Have you ever felt scared for yourself and of yourself together?

[SunnyRS]

Yesterday something happened that left me feeling this way.
I was at my sister's house and her mother in law was crying because of her health issues, she was in pain. Everyone was consoling her but I felt nothing, not even sympathy towards her.
That scared me. I mean I knew that my emotions were becoming numb after my parents death but I felt nothing yesterday.
I felt something was wrong with me.
Have you ever felt that?

[handsomelad70]

At 12, when I was taking mandated (for boys) Industrial Arts. I was holding an awl , heard the "N" word and lunged at the other lad's throat before the instructor pulled me off the kid. I then knew I could kill undr the right circumstances. (I was five feet,93 pounds at 12 compared to a powerfully-built 5'81/2",200 pounds as of this morning.)

[SunnyRS]

Good thing you stopped yourself.
Or were you stopped by the teacher?

[handsomelad70]

Teacher.

[SunnyRS]

Oh ok

[leahzrc]

I have had similar scenarios. In my head I usually think things could be worse and that people are overreacting. Probably because I was raised to stop crying and feeling sorry for myself. It made me think everyone else deserves the same treatment.

[leahzrc]

When noone consoles you as a child it is hard to console everyone else

[SunnyRS]

You have got a point there.
But doesn't that scare you for yourself that what are you becoming?

[leahzrc]

I am a little worried but I prayed to God to forgive me for my evil thoughts and for all the evil that sees me that I no longer see it. I prayed to God to be innocent again. That is a step in the right direction if you ask me

[SunnyRS]

Well, since I don't believe in God that is a bit difficult for me.

[leahzrc]

I didn't either. He shows a sign to those who seek him.

[SunnyRS]

I stopped seeking him a long time ago

[leahzrc]

I can't tell you what happened to me. I promised God I would deny everything just for them to leave me alone. He wants you to sacrifice your old beliefs. He actually is quite demanding but I without him I would be passed the point of no return.

[SunnyRS]

I understand your faith and won't say anything against it as this belief makes you strong.
I also would not ask what happened to you or with you that you would think you can't back from.
But God isn't a concept that I can rely on.

[leahzrc]

He is the creator and Jesus is his only son. He wants me to believe Jesus will save me