Guys, My sister is a single mom, is there hope for her?

[Anonymous]

Over the weekend we had a family lunch and my sister who is a single mom, came with my niece. We haven't seen her in about a year so it was nice. I took the opportunity to ask her how things were going. She seems pretty happy raising my Niece on her own but I asked her if she misses being in a relationship and she said " Well yes, all the time but men nowadays don't want single moms, so Ill have to accept my fate"
I feel horrible for her because the father turned to substance abuse when she fell pregnant and it was not safe to raise her child in that home. So now she's alone and has been for years. she's gone on dates but says guys get scared when she mentions she has a kid.

I dont want her alone forever and she's an amazing mom and person...

Are guys really against dating single moms or is it just a specific age group that doesn't accept someone else's kid?

[Finchie40]

There is hope for her , just harder for her to find , mainly because most guys’ do not want to help raise a child that is not his , She is probably best to find a single Dad that has kids as well, that understands what it’s like to be a single parent , when I became a single Dad , I didn’t really have any issues dating a girl that didn’t have kids , and it didn’t bother me , if she already had a kid , because I was in the same shoes as her , but sadly , I have heard it’s harder for a single mother to find a guy that doesn’t mind her having a kid or kids already. Mainly because most guys’ are territorial over a girl he gives his heart to , most guys’ hate the fact that she was impregnated by another guy , it’s a big turn off to him. I know it’s silly , but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles, but she has hope , because there are guys’ out there that don’t mind , they are just harder to find.

[HighValue]

As a good quality man, I have no desire to date a single mother ever. She can find a lower quality man that has limited options, but she realistically shouldn't expect any good quality man to want her.

People need to realize that dating IS a competition, and they ARE competing with others, so the more negatives someone has, the less desirable they are, and the more positives they have, the more desirable they are. People should compare themselves to others to determine their desirability. Figure out how common or rare it is for someone to be a better catch than they are.

[Asker]

One of the qualities men look for when searching for a partner is a woman's ability to nurture right? What easier way to see what type of mother she will be if she is already one. I get there are situations where 1 women has 5 baby daddies, thats just sick to me, but if a mother has 1 or 2 kids with the same person and it had nothing to do with her "opening" her legs then surely she couldn't be thrown into the same category as the low value women?

[DextroShade]

That doesn't outweigh the negatives, especially if she had the kids out of wedlock or initiated a divorce and wrecked her own home. They only time a single mother gets any grace from me is if she is a widow, and even then it had better be because the father died in war or an accident and not from a drug overdose or some thug shit.

[Asker]

@DextroShade Okay, so if women are so harshly held accountable for another mans mistakes then it only fair we hold men responsible for a women's... If she divorces you and takes all your money then thats your fault for not choosing better?

Look i understand why men find value in virgin women but its just not realistic because the same pressures men feel, women are feeling too... maybe not at the same degree but unless a women was raised in a home where she was "locked away" like in the old days, she is exposed to the same temptations but held so much more accountable by men... The root problem is that we live in a broken family world where raising children the right way has become "lazy".

[HighValue]

Since dating and relationships ARE a competition, why would someone with options purposely choose the worse option available to them?
I certainly wouldn't purposely choose more stress, more of a financial burden, more responsibility for something I didn't cause, and to have a mate that has less time available for me in the beginning of the relationship when time availability is more important.

She should consider dating a single father in my opinion.

[TheSpaceGnome]

"men nowadays don't want single moms"

Accurate.

I don't even want kids of my own, let alone someone elses. If I did want kids, I'd still not be wanting someone else's.

I also refuse any woman who's not a virgin, I'm not interested in a woman who humps before thinking clearly, its too high a disease risk, and I'll never know if she actually loves me if accepting sex is not a marker for that to her.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Also, if she fell for the type of guy that does drugs in the first place, then she is mentally incompatible.

[Asker]

He didn't do drugs when she met him! They were engaged 2 years in and fell pregnant , 7 months in she found out he was using drugs, she called off the wedding but wanted to help him "like a good wife". He started using because of work stresses

[TheSpaceGnome]

That just means she had sex with him without knowing him well, to me thats a red flag.

[Asker]

Lol, most marriages today have cheating partners and are living miserably but because of children or the fear of not finding love again they would rather stay together and pretend to be happy. There are red flags in everyone, can either ignore them and pretend they dont exist and see how it goes or leave the person. My gran always said "rather the devil you know, than the one you dont"

[TheSpaceGnome]

Your reply proves the red flag issue.

I've never cheated, I never will cheat, I know exactly what type of woman I want to make me happy, and I'm never going to settle for less so I'm never going to be miserable with anyone.

I'm never going to have children (either me or her will get steralized), because I'm not interested in that aspect of life (would rather have exotic pets).

I'm still a virgin, and i'm saving myself for a perfect match.

I'm an atheist, but in your metaphorical context, "angels" exist, I'm one of them, and I'm I'm only accepting another. So your "devils" can go fuck off, I'm not interested in any of them.

Better to never have sex than have sex with the wrong person
Better to never get married than marry the wrong person.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Your bar is set too low in life, so you will never be happy.

[DarkLegacy]

It is to do with biology, no normal man wants to bring up someone else's kids. How old is she anyway because she may have hit the wall and that will make it harder. She could serve a purpose as a pump and dump or stop gap girlfriend i suppose.

Us men have to consider everything when it comes to dating, if she has kids that is a relationship where we are never going to be put first, and it will cost us financially.

What about the father, i mean why is she not with him. If it is for toxic reasons that increases the likelihood of us saying no. The idea is to not be with some woman who chases bad guys and have a kid with them and then tries to find a good guy or doormat to provide a stable home for her and kid.

We also have to consider the child rebelling against us and being undermined with regards to discipline. And what if we want kids and she does not. Women can not expect us to be the one to always make sacrifices

[handsomelad70]

WTF? How rude !!!

[DarkLegacy]

@handsomelad70 Nothing wrong with what I've just said

[Asker]

Okay so I did mention the father turned to substance abuse while she was pregnant (pressures of work seemed to be the driving force) he started being abusive, cheating etc and after trying to stick it out she left when my niece was about 3. He was never like that, he was a real gentleman and our dad even approved. No one saw it coming.
I understand men dont want to raise another mans kid but at the same time, how is his issues and problems a reflection on her? She use to do everything for him, cooked, cleaned, worked and they were happy for the most part. She lives far from us because of her job. I just dont think its fair that she is shunned from society and finding a man that truly loves her because the father made crappy choices.

[Asker]

isn't*

[elaphe]

Wow, it is a response like that that makes me ashamed to be male. "Pump and dump," really?

[handsomelad70]

Maybe not, but it isn't 100% true or even close.

[DarkLegacy]

@elaphe @handsomelad70 There is no need to simp on my opinions thanks

[DarkLegacy]

@Asker I rest my case

[DarkLegacy]

@Asker I stand corrected, i did not read that bit in the question description

[genericname85]

well there is hope for sure. you just gotta understand that a single mom is NEVER a preferred choice over a girl who has no children. unless for some reason he can't have kids and still wants them. but then again with men obsessed with having a kid, you're running the risk of getting with a pedophile xD

[Asker]

So you saying a mother ranks lower on the value scale than a women that has had 30+ partners and 10 abortions and has no direction but has a rocking body and has no kids?

[genericname85]

so you're sayingg men will prefer litteral hitler over a woman who has one child?

you can always find an example that's even worse. and i would say that a woman who actually did have 10 abortions wouldn't tell the guy so he wouldn't even know. but having a child that is alive is hard to hide. so i guess for that reason men would still not gonna pick the single mom. simply cause they can't see the corpses in the other girls cellar.

[Asker]

hmmm, guess thats true.

[Likes2drive]

Most guys don’t want to deal with someone else’s kids if they are young but if the kids are in their late teens then they usually don’t care because the kids do their own things and don’t need a babysitter every time they go out on a date. Basically no guy wants to get involved in that unless he has kids of his own, she probably has to find a single dad or wait until her daughter doesn’t need a babysitter

[Asker]

That sucks, so she has to waste her valuable years waiting while he is off having a blast with no responsibilities? Sounds pretty unfair to me

[Likes2drive]

Unfortunately she got pregnant by an irresponsible drug addict who is just going to do whatever he wants. If she meets a guy that doesn’t mind she has a child and probably wants one of his own then she might have a chance

[Asker]

She didn't get pregnant by a drug addict, he only started using later down the line. Anyway, I understand what you are saying, just sucks for her, but im sure the right guy will come along and see more than a single mom in her..

[Likes2drive]

Hopefully and if she’s pretty she will have a good chance

[elaphe]

I wouldn't say that it is "hopeless" but it does add "baggage" to the relationship. It wouldn't preclude me from dating a woman, but it wouldn't be my first choice It would limit us as to what we could do and when we could do it. I would want to be first in her life, and if she neglected her child for me, it wouldn't be a good "vibe."

[Asker]

So you want a mother to be a good mother but not feel like she's doing too much of a good job because you dont want to feel like you come second but also find it not a good vibe if she neglected her kid... did you know a good mother always puts herself last? Everyone around her gets preference over her... Moms sacrifice their bodies, well being, mental health, and time only for the father to run off with some hot, childless, 20 year old, bimbo that strokes his ego...

[elaphe]

You asked the question, and I gave you the answer. Most guys agree with me. If the woman were a real catch, then I would date her. But all things being equal, I would choose the childless woman. There is also the superficial aspect of the changes a woman's body go through during pregnancy, which a lot of men may not like as well as the body of a nulliparous woman. The fact that the father ran off with a "bimbo" has nothing to do with what a mind would find attractive.

[Asker]

I get that... I find in todays age, mens expectations have be come a lot higher than womens. I get that the quality of women have decreased and so has men just think what we choose to value has become unrealistic. There is obviously a line to be drawn to what one would tolerate. In the past men got bored of the "all natural beauty" and chased after the fake boobs and big bums, so those women changed to fake boobs and big bums and now men want the all natural look again because its become rare and a man wants the rare jewel, but now they also want virgins where as in the past collecting virginities from a women meant "you are the man". Personally, I think its all messed up... no person is going to fit perfectly into the box we want.

[elaphe]

Of course, no one is perfect. I prefer "the girl-next-door" look. I don't like fake boobs.

[DextroShade]

Childless men don't want to be responsible for some other dude's kid; this is a primal instinct and it is why male lions kill the cubs when they take over a pride.

Here's the compromise: she finds a single dad and creates a blended family with him so she can help him parent his kid. That way it isn't a one-sided drain on a man's time, attention, and resources.

[handsomelad70]

So men should kill their partner's children who aren't their biological children? Thought we'd advanced past lion stage of development !!!

[DextroShade]

@handsomelad70 not saying they should, but the instinctual revulsion at cuckoldry has been around for millions of years.

[handsomelad70]

I know. I'll be a million July 6.

[Zenpanda]

It's not really an age thing, but chances are lowest below 30.
Beyond that it's really on an individual basis.

[Anonymous]

For a number of reasons, single moms are a difficult sale.

If she has a nice personality, a sensible head on her shoulders, genuinely wants a relationship, makes space for a partner, doesn't have a crazy ex, there's always a chance. Maybe a single dad.

But she didn't choose a winner the first time, and if her attitude is off, she may be better with a couple of cats.

[JacobJordan]

She is likely going to be alone unless she settles for someone she doesn't really like. There are some sad individuals that would be "thrilled" to raise a child if meant they had a relationship.

[handsomelad70]

Your sister can marry or, remaining single, can further her education a get a better job to provide for her kids and herself, or both, of course.

[Asker]

She would love to get married but no guy wants to because she is seen as used and has "baggage". Also she is already working a 9 hour day job and has to raise my niece alone which is already hard. Our family is very much traditional so she enjoys raising kids and being a mom so if she goes and studies she is taking time away from being a mother...

[Unit1]

She can find some single father to be in a relationship with. I know some, who were single fathers and single mothers and they entered in relationships and marriages.

[Berethor]

Single moms bring too much baggage, maybe she would find some desperate man.

[Asker]

Too much baggage? She wouldn't be left with the baggage if he didn't make the bad choices he made in the first place... So he can go off and live his merry life, having a blast and she's alone forever trying to support the child he left her with?

[Berethor]

Well it clear that the bad choice was mostly hers, as she should not chosen him.

[Asker]

How was she to know? He was a great guy when they met, even our father approved. He was doing well in his job and they got engaged and then she fell pregnant. He turned to alcohol and drugs because of work pressures and she tried to help him by getting him professional help. He was okay for a few months until he started abusing her. My niece was 3 years old when she left him... So please explain how its her fault again? No one carries a sign around their necks of who they will turn out to be later...

[Berethor]

Usually there is red flags, anyway it not my job to clean other man's mess, no thanks.

[Asker]

So we are supposed to be psychic too... omw! Now i know why men and women fear having kids and getting married now... Men are afraid the women will divorce and leave with all his money and the women fear the man will walk out and leave her to raise their family alone. This is the issue with society...

[Asker]

Im against abortion but damn if men are going to just walk out and leave the women used up and alone then in a sick way i can understand why some of those women feel its better. Its so sad...

[Berethor]

Women was always supposed to be much more careful whan choosing, as they are the ones left with the kid if something goes wrong, and in the past a woman could not take the man's money in most cases. I agree that abortion is better in some cases, like in case of rape.

[Asker]

But if we are careful and do our 'investigations' then we are considered crazy, if we decide a guy is too creepy and cut ties, then we are bitches, if we want to go through their phones or ask questions then we are insecure... Men have also become well adapted to our ways and can hide and lie for months or even years before getting caught... Now women find a loophole in society where they use a man for his money and sell themselves cheap... Its all messed up tbh.

[Berethor]

Yea, but how cheap can single mom sell herself? single moms value tend to be low.

[Asker]

I guess that depends where you are looking. Right now in the US and UK (western countries) this is true unfortunately. They have about different baby daddies for each of their kids and still sleep around... I think thats gross... but not all mothers act this way.

[Berethor]

Even if it not different baby daddies, being a single mom lower woman value by a lot.

[Zbrody1997]

It’s not impossible but almost no man wants a single mom. It screams red flags.

[Asker]

Red flags on her? How so? He was the one who made the bad choices so her and her kid have to suffer while he goes off and enjoys his life with other women, and she's stuck working a 9 hour job and raising a child alone... ?

[Zbrody1997]

Red flags because you opened your legs to a guy who should have wore a condom until you were sure he was locked down he also was obviously low quality and single mom is a bad look it makes it seem like you don’t hold high respect for long term relationships. That’s the vibe I get anyways.

[Asker]

Your vibe radar is waaaaay off then. they were engaged after 2 years, fell pregnant and she decided to hold out on the wedding because she found he was using drugs 7 months into her pregnancy.. She stayed by his side to help him through the drugs and supported him ( like they tell us women to do) and then finds out he is cheating. We all met him and he was a great guy, my father even approved. Maybe she was too busy being a good "wife" to see his flaws or maybe he was just really good at hiding them..

[gorydetails]

Guys don't want to raise someone else's kids.

[Asker]

and a mother doesn't want to be left raising that guys kids on her own either, but she has no choice, and then men get upset that mothers raising kids in the wrong way and messing up society. Why are the men not being good fathers and husbands?

[gorydetails]

Very rarely they have no choice. You women need to start picking better

[Asker]

Pick better? Men dont walk around with signs saying " Im a cheater" "Im an abuser"... you say pick better but how is one supposed to know if 2 years into your relationship he decides to cheat or has some addiction or starts hitting you... you can't, its impossible to know for sure.

[gorydetails]

There will be signs.

[Revolutioner_83]

it is hard to find a man with a kid but it is not impossible. She should continue to try

[Asker]

So her only hope is finding a guy with a kid? all these answers just make me not want to get married or have kids.. The idea of a guy screwing up any opportunity of finding real love and a good father for my kid... I guess just as much as the guy fears being screwed by women, we also have fears of being screwed over by men. World is doomed

[jahaims]

She might be able to trick a simp or a cuck.

[Asker]

Trick? Why does she need to trick someone in order for someone to love her and her child? That doesn't make sense.

[jahaims]

No one with sense wants a partner that makes poor decisions and has unnecessary baggage.

[Asker]

hmmmm, so his poor decisions and baggage just gets dumped onto her and he gets off scott free? So its her fault that he turned to drugs because of his work stresses and its her fault he cheated, its her fault that she gave him everything a man wants a more and its her fault for trying to save her relationship by taking him to his NA and AA meetings and doing what a women is meant to do (stay by his side and support him) yeah its her fault right, that while he was in rehab she had to raise their kid alone and without financial support... Her fault...