Why am I so ungrateful, distant , irritable with my aunt?

[Anonymous]

My aunt isn’t perfect but neither am I but she does a lot for me. She’s helping me pay my student loans, she’s allowing me to stay with her with low rent she’s encouraging and a lot of other things. (Positive) she’s like a mom and I think that’s the part that I can’t accept.

I feel negative emotions towards her and I can’t understand why… sometimes I feel like it’s because I wanted that same love from my mother and I didn’t get it. Other times I feel extremely smothered and she wants to do everything for me.

It’s like I can’t have any independence with certain things but I’m also trying to save up for a house… I only have 20k saved.

I also help my grandfather and years prior I was my grandmother’s caregiver until she passed while in school… I had no help or freedom

I just don’t want to repeat wasting my 20s… I feel like I have.. I’m depressed, angry and a lot of times I just want space and freedom.

I appreciate her dearly and I hate how I’ve been acting towards her because I really don’t mean to… I’m just not happy

[rosemilk]

it's probably the "smothered" feeling you mentioned. no one likes feeling or being smothered when they're an adult who probably just wants to be independent but can't because of financial reasons or how awful the world is doing right now. cost of living is simply ridiculous right now. i feel for you, seriously.

set up some boundaries. the moment you feel smothered or she's trying to do everything for you that you can do yourself and didn't even ask for help, LET HER KNOW. she may react hurt or she may understand. i don't know her. but you need to let her know or the resentment will grow and she doesn't even know why because you don't say anything.

[Asker]

My aunt is amazing and I know she’s coming from a great place… not many aunts pay for your loans either… I feel awful

I just know sometimes she’s confrontational and gets crazy but I have to learn how to communicate

I should be more grateful I’m just very depressed and it’s hard to deal with it while having to put on another mask … I do it at work now I have to do it here…

I just wanted to work pay rent keep my things clean etc contribute but be left alone…

I just wish I had a space to create and feel independent but I’m scared I’ll become more depressed

[rosemilk]

don't beat yourself up over it too hard. these are normal feelings anyone would feel. depression totally warps everything, i understand. just make sure you take off the mask for a few moments every day so you can relax and see how you can better cope or deal with things. treat yourself every once in awhile. i understand wanting to be alone and if it'll help you, you should find a nice way to say hey i need some alone time to recharge, please allow me to disappear for a few hours

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Maybe it's because you feel infantilized by her helping and not letting you do a lot on your own. Maybe you could have a discussion with her about wanting to do more for yourself and seeing if you can make it on your own. Tell her you're always glad for her help but you need to find out if you can make it without falling on your face.

[jahaims]

Go to therapy