Why do I act like this and can anyone else relate?

Question

I keep pushing good people away and isolating myself a lot. I feel really low most of the time. I just try to hide it from my friends because I don't want to be a burden... the problem is I get so frustrated and angry that I accidentally take it out on my friends (that isn't right). I told them what's going on, and they said I was threatening suicide... the truth is I'm really not doing well at all, my performance in work has dropped, I have no interest in anything anymore and haven't been eating right either... I barely have any energy, sleeping more or too little, and I'm really scared of myself because I don't know what I might do to myself.

I feel like nobody wants to be around me because of it, and I'm really lonely. Also, nobody will listen to me without judgement.

I just feel really alone in my struggles, and I don't feel good enough for anybody.

nolabels · Accepted Answer

You sound much like I feel right now, too, and have been for the past 4+ months.
It gets a little better, sometimes, and also much worse, too.
I could include details, but that'd be me unloading on you.
Other than saying that my family is experiencing severe turmoil, medically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, you name it, life is really hard lately.
No kidding, serious, right now, things are really bad, turmoil.
I won't burden you.

I'm for the most part past the point now in my journey of unloading on people, but it's still horribly lonely and gut-wrenching, sometimes feeling as if the bottom just totally dropped out of my life.
Unloading on people didn't work to fix things, but I think it was an important necessary part of my journey.
I've spent a lot of time unloading on people, wearing them out, of course, with me now no longer feeling welcome around them, as you mention.
People have limits on how much they're capable of shouldering other people's burdens.
People are not super-infused with magical abilities of eliminating problems for others.
That's just the way it is.

I've gone through quite a journey, wearing people out, then apologizing to them for doing so, but finding that although they may have allowed me to unload upon them, with me thinking that they could help me, they weren't the right people who were capable of truly helping me.

That seemingly mindless unloading did serve a purpose, though, preparing me for the next phase of my journey, which was to find someone who shared their crap right back at me, with us communing together in our agony, spilling our guts together.
At that point, I realized that it wasn't my unloading that was therapeutic, it was communing in agony with another human that let me know that I was not alone.

I also had an epiphany in those moments of sharing with another human, that neither of us were capable of taking 100% of those burdens from each other.
It took something supernatural to remove our suffering.

I don't know you, to know if you'll now be turned off by what I have to say next, but I'm saying it here and now.
If you're now done reading my post as a result, I get it.
I wish you the best.

I'd been what I call "agonizingly agnostic" for my entire life, struggling to believe in a Creator being, beyond our understanding, but was never able to make that leap of faith.
I'd seen people of faith throughout my life, who had endured many life difficulties, but still had faith that somehow comforted them.
I'd always been drawn to those people, becoming friends with them, with many of them attempting to help me have faith, to no avail.
Why was faith so easy for them, I wondered, with much envy., but seemingly so impossible for me.

Around 5 years ago, I searched my Bible voraciously for close to a year, hoping to find something that would help me believe.
Finally, I saw this verse that I'll share here:
1 John 4:19 - "We love because he first loved us."
I was floored.
Selfless love, to me, can be nothing less than divine.
There are those who may attempt to explain selfless love as being nothing more than that of a chemical or neuro transmitted nature.
No, I say, selfless love can be nothing less than divine.
So, I finally made a connection of faith.
Tenuous, but there.

Fast forward to 4 months ago, when I twice experienced sudden cardiac arrest and an accompanying STEMI, 'widow maker" heart attack, from which I was twice yanked back to this world.
During the times that I was gone, I was just gone, there was no white light, no seeing loved ones, just nothing.
I could go into a very detailed story of how horrible the resuscitation processes were, but I'll just repeat that it was horrible being brought back, and it has fundamentally changed me as a person.
I mean, it FUN-DA-MENTALLY changed who I am.

It also destroyed my recently found faith.

Where was my white light, my loved ones?
WTH was up with that?

So lonely, so afraid, ever since.

Realistic07 · Accepted Answer

By its nature, what you’re describing is depression. Understand we all fall to depression at some point or another in some format or another and it’s OK. we often push people away because we ourselves are not happy with who we are often times this concept of introspection leads us to some negative thoughts and sometimes actions.

It’s important to recognize that you are just human just as all of us are. We all need help sometimes and it’s OK to talk to people about it, including friends. One of the things that you’ve noticed is that depression is crippling starts to affect other aspects of your life work, School, home life.

But these things are manageable, but I would suggest always try and take time for yourself. What I mean by that is not necessarily do nothing with that time. Be proactive try and go out and find activities that you most enjoy doing. In addition, seek counseling it’s important, we all need someone to talk to and counseling is a great way to do that without feeling like you’re being barraged.

The one thing you most Need to realize is something that many people spend an entire lifetime to discover. No one person is an island. We are complicated, Difficult, and nuance in ways that are almost like a puzzle piece always trying to come together. Giving yourself a break, taking care of yourself and the ways that You need to take care of yourself eventually the haze of depression can fade.

Remember, it’s not always about feeling good or being happy but it is always about trying your best even if it’s just for yourself.
If you don’t like something about yourself within reason, try and change it, and if you can’t try and learn to accept it.

Often times we push people away to simply because we can’t do one of those two things ourselves or accept ourselves for who we are and that can be a very daunting task at times, but not the journey of self discovery is the same as to live in the darkness. Bring yourself a little light and understand that there are people there willing to support your journey. Just try and give them a chance.

That is my opinion I do that it brings you some sort of solace or assistance.

bobalife · Accepted Answer

Aw I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through a really rough time… sending hugs ❤️❤️❤️ there could be many things, but it sounds like you may have an attachment style of avoidance or disorganization which is usually develop as a child regarding our relationships with our parents and so we would need to learn how to rewire ourselves to be more of a secure attachment. It’s a struggle for me as well, I do tend to push people away. Not sure what’s going on, but I think it will be helpful to do things that will make you feel lighter, distracted of what’s stressing you out, or self-soothing during stressful times i. e. listening to music, meditating with breathing exercises, being out to enjoy nature with a walk or just sitting down, artsy, listening to helpful podcasts, playing sports, etc that are things you enjoyed at least once a day or tried 2-3 times a week.

Maybe it’s time to create a little vision board or a list of goals (short term & long term) for yourself to help with keeping yourself motivated. Examples of short term goals (taking walks 3 times at evening weekly, getting enough rest, exercise in the morning 3 times weekly, drink more water and not over/under eat)

Journaling what’s going on during your day and feelings may be helpful to expressed yourself without feeling judged by others and more safe with your thoughts/feeling rather it’s free writing or with prompts for guidance and reflective writing

Take time to reflect on your purpose and intentions with work to remember why you chose this job and where did you plan to go from there. Not sure if you’re feeling compassionate fatigue but this might help to rekindle those intentions and passion :)

Talking to friends is helpful at times, but it’s also important to try to take care of your own well-being on your own time. Maybe when you feel ready, you can talk to them again. If you feel like you’re getting more angry in conversation, you can let them know that you are starting to feel angry and wanna take some space so you won’t say anything you’ll regret and check back in after an hour or however time you need. Maybe ask yourself, am I telling myself I am a burden or did anyone say I am burden? To help distinguish negative self-talk and what’s actually happening.

If you are feeling like you’re having thoughts and temptation to harm yourself, it’s not easy, but I encourage you to contact your mental health support line to have someone to be able to listen with giving you a safe space to talk about what’s going on, help you navigate your emotions and how to take care of your challenges during those moments❤️

avery58 · Accepted Answer

Sounds like you're going through a case of severe depression. Perhaps you were let down by people close to you in the past and you haven't been able to heal from it so you self sabotage new relationships with seemingly good people as you're scared of trusting them and being let down again. You should try therapy, it might be able to help you find better ways to cope with loss and find the courage to carefully put yourself out there again. If you ever need someone to talk to or listen to you feel free to message me.

D_D_D · Answer

@DellBell sorry to hear that😔 I can relate.. I'm going through a depressing phase too, I never had easy life, I've been fighting and struggling since I can remember.. especially now as a soldier it seems like everything I touch is falling apart.. every time I think I hit rock bottom I reach lower, never felt so down and stuck my entire life and I'm about to go through more in order to get over all that and put it behind me (but I'm not gonna elaborate on that) anyway.. I know what it's like when everyone judging you and they think they know what you're going through but in reality only you know what you're really going through inside and you don't feel like you can share it cuz you know they won't understand and that they can't really help and eventually you deal with this all by yourself, I know that feeling, but I always remind myself that everything passes.. eventually we'll get through these shitty phases and we'll put it behind us because we went through a lot that means we're stronger people and can deal with a lot more. So if you wanna talk about this feel free to DM me anytime.. you're an interesting and strong person I'll be happy to talk with you if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone.. Oh.. and smile, you're special🙂 we're the strong kind💪☺️

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

I can relate, but from the other side of the table.

I'm someone my friends all turn to when they are depressed. Most of the time it's not advice they want, but just for someone to listen to them vent out their hurt, frustration and anger, and above all else not someone who is going to blab what they tell me to others, or (as you said,) pass judgement on them

I've read through what you discussed with @rebelinsteel, and I concur with his advice. Seeking professional help is definitely the best option (If possible)

OfMiceandMen · Answer

I think you need to fight the urge to push people away right now. If you have a friend that you can rely on, you need them right now.

Some people will shy away because they don't want to say something that'll make things worse for you.

You need to reach out for help with someone who is trained in depression. Although, your friends can help support you, they can't help you determine what's triggering things for you.

There's no shame in asking for help, you just have to ask the right people.

RebelinSteel · Answer

Sorry to read that, have you had something trigger this depression and lack of interest in anything?
I would personally book yourself an appointment with a counsellor and talk over things. I am guilty of pushing people away, I’m naturally fun but go through phases of shutting people out, invariably I get dragged out by family or friends to get me sorted.

you do need to talk this through with a counsellor, and or family,

false_prophet · Answer

Yup. I’m self destructive. I feel these things are most often a defense mechanicsm from past experiences. Took my ex 6 years to convince me to see a therapist. Went for the first time at 26yo almost two years after we broke up lmao. She still been on my ass about it.😂

Best thing I can’t tell you is, don’t feel like something’s wrong with you. Mfs are untrustworthy. Even people you’ve known for years. But, you also gotta remember that there ARE people who are honest and loyal. Just few and far between, from personal experience. It’s ok to protect your heart, but leave some gaps in that armor ;)

———-
Just a funny side note, did this shit to my ex, but we still talk now. Dated for 4 years, friends since we were 15. Only she’s more stubborn than I am and essentially nagged her way back into my life 💀

SkatPak392 · Answer

I suffered the same thing, um. for as long as I can remember, I was never accepted in peer circles. I was bullied by other black kids in the neighborhood at school and next door before they moved away.

I had white friends but I felt like I never fit in with them because I'm too black. I never fit in with the black kids because I was too white, and always got my ass beat because of it..

I wasn't accepted at home.. my brother bullied me, and my mother and her boyfriend beat me. My sisters enjoyed me being the whipping post for the family.

Today I'm a completely broken man approaching 40 who's never been in any relationship. whatever relation, I do try to have it fizzles out before anything can happen, so I finally gave up and. resigned myself to being alone.

SeriouslyNotSerious · Answer

I feel for you.. 😔 If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to rant on my inbox. 📩

Sunnysunny123 · Answer

It seems like depression try going to a psychologist, they do not give you medication i say try this first beecause not always medicine is necessary to overcome something. If this is not working for you go for a psychiatrist and get pills.

It is very common do not be scared, this is probably just a period in your life that will end and it will be all good again. Also sometimes is the energy of others too so sometimes it's better to be alone amd enjoy your alone time.

dustybiker2 · Answer

You need a professional to vent to and help guide the feelings to safer places when they roar. Everyone has baggage but some peoples baggage is too great even for friends to help with. This is why people become therapists, so they can help.

loveslongnails · Answer

You're clinically depressed from the sounds of it. There's probably a physio-chemical component and a mental one as well. Seeking some expert help would be a great idea, like yesterday.

lorenzomichael · Answer

That’s bullshit all of it. There is something that you like. try smoking a little weed have a drink or two lighten up be more social. Because there’s a lot of cool people and a lot of cool shit to see and do in this world. And you don’t have to please anybody just be cool with everybody and stop being so negative.

nawtee_me · Answer

I know my mother went through something similar when she was in her thirties. Her was due to women issues though. My ex-wife also went through something similar but hers was due to thyroid problems that caused a hormonal imbalance.
I would say talk to your doctor about it if you haven’t already. I hope you feel better soon. If you want to talk message me.

OhLongJohnsoning · Answer

Pretty common. You avoid getting hurt, by avoiding getting hurt

It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

Remember in the show george lopez, when ernie found out he eats to avoid being hurt by women, thus, making him fat

He's intentionally doing it, so he doesn't have to be hurt, which is funny because all he's doing is getting hurt more and more

That's called a self fulfilling prophecy.

AlfApAşA · Answer

Over time, you will get rid of this state of depression. Many people experience such situations, and those who come to the brink of suicide but do not commit suicide, say after a year that they are glad they did not commit suicide and that they did a great favor to themselves. Finally, unless you are experiencing a serious crisis, do not go to a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist and use those terrible drugs produced in the factory. 💀

Daniela1982 · Answer

You definitely show the signs of clinical depression. I advise some counseling with a psychologist.

Mellyna · Answer

I don't know you, to know if you'll now be turned off by what I have to say next, but I'm saying it here and now.

Finchie40 · Answer

It sounds like you are suffering anxiety and depression, You are best to go see your doctor and get yourself on some anti depressants

chrissykerdock · Answer

you need to give lots of fellatio and your depression will lift

HusamRocks · Answer

See a doctor, a psychologist because u need serious help Don't be afraid u r gonna be more than alright 👍🏻

KrakenAttackin · Answer

You need to have a candid discussion with your Doctor. S/he will likely prescribe a medication for anxiety/depression. Ask for a referral for a therapist. The combination could really make a difference.

Lynx122 · Answer

Well you're depressed it seems. But when it comes to friendships it's definitely not easy.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Do you currently have a therapist or counsel that you can speak to about these issues? Maybe a sibling or trusted family member?

Agape93 · Answer

Hon, talk to him   @LordOfThePines  Psych major. He might be able to help

ChicoFromThe305 · Answer

Okay so you can start by saying what's picking at you

DerekC321 · Answer

I do that exact same thing, things start well and then seem like work

jahaims · Answer

Unresolved trauma. You are reacting with trauma responses

Iron_Man · Answer

I can completely understand you, you suffer from depression

andy530 · Answer

It sounds like you’re suffering from depression. I would talk to your dr or therapist if you can

Alicoooooo777 · Answer

It can't be you in the photo, oh my god, I'm struck

Sasquach · Answer

Sounds like depression. It's common dw

MacDaddyRico · Answer

Have you seen a doctor about depression?

DreamLife7 · Answer

You have a mental illness and you're insecure

Why do I act like this and can anyone else relate?

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