My abuser asked me why I’m always tense around him and why I always avoid him. Should I even bother telling him why?

[Anonymous]

When I was a kid a family member used to touch me inappropriately and would make inappropriate comments about my body. Even now as an adult, I still see him staring at me whenever I see him during family events. His overall presence just causes me to tense up and I’m always cautious around him. Whenever he does talk to me I’m always cold while my responses are usually short and a bit rude. I also avoid eye contact with him (which he said is rude).

Just now, he came up to me out of the blue and pressed me about my rudeness. He said that I have no manners and that I’m ungrateful bcs he has helped me a ton and I’ve only ever said “thank you” while acting like an ungrateful brat. I know I could’ve been nicer to him bcs he’s family after all but I can’t get over the past. I know for a fact that if I were to tell him what he did in the past that has made me uncomfortable to be around him, he’ll either deflect or dismiss my feelings. So should I even bother?

[bobalife]

I’m sorry that happened to you… first thing is making sure you practice safety from this person. Secondly never show nor express the reaction they want from you.. fear. Only show you are firm and you respect yourself infront of them even if you’re uncomfortable. Thirdly don’t let them take advantage of you in any way anymore. It’s okay to declined and say no. Keep your distance and confide in someone you trust rather it’s family, friends, or support groups in your community.
It doesn’t matter who they are, it’s never okay to be a victim of an abuser. It does not justify their actions towards you. What they did is something that was against your consent, will, and feeling comfortable

[Asker]

Thank you so much for the tips, they’re really helpful and logical! The thing is, he approached me seemingly genuinely concerned but I know if I mention how he used to touch me inappropriately he’ll just brush it off as him being “affectionate”. I have said to him that I do not want to be forced to hug him anymore and he surprisingly respected that. But it I have to explain why I’m uncomfortable around him, I know he will just brush it off… It has happened before, I’ve told him that I don’t feel comfortable with him being so touchy with me but he justified it as him just showing some affection. I could accept physical touch as a form of affection from family members but he had a history of touching me in inappropriate places even after I said no so now any form of touch from him I see as just him violating my boundaries

[bobalife]

You’re welcome, I’m glad it was helpful :) I know it’s very hard being in this position esp when it’s someone who’s so close because it’s a family member. More often, believe it or not, this occurred with families (or peers) sadly :/ definitely continue to keep your boundaries, your boundaries are yours to respect & protect you and stay firm no matter what. You don’t need to specifically say you’re uncomfortable. You can just be more assertive by saying “no, I don’t want it” & walk away or something to not give a fuck Forreals. He needs to see that you are your own person and it doesn’t affect you.

he’s probably backing off because he noticed you’re being more strong and able to defend yourself whereas before he might feel more “power control” which is what they usually want. What help is changing your narrative of being a victim and knowing you are a survivor and will keep fighting for your own safety and autonomy.

Continue to be on your toes and keep your distance while expressing verbally and non verbally that you prefer no hugs nor being touched. Do your best to NOT be alone with them. Always be around others at all times if possible or avoid being in the same space if possible to continue to keep that physical distance.

Move out of your family house if possible

[Asker]

You’re so right in that I have to be more assertive. In the past I was too worried that I might hurt his feelings so I never complained about the hugs or the inappropriate comments. I will definitely have to learn to be more outspoken! I feel guilty about setting boundaries sometimes 😅 it’s definitely bcs I’m a people pleaser (working on it)

I have been trying my best to not be alone with him for sure. I just moved back into my hometown so I’ve been spending more time than I’d like with my family lol In my culture tho, you only ever move out of the family home once you’re married 😬

[bobalife]

Don’t feel bad when it’s against your own safety and comfortability. Doesn’t matter who it is when you have been sexually assaulted and people crossed your boundaries….

I get it, I’m a people pleaser too. But this is not the same area… this is about managing your own safety and no longer being in a victim mindset/pattern. If you don’t be assertive, he thinks it will be okay to have it keep going…. It will work better with practice to be assertive and standing up for yourself.

I understand the cultural aspect as it is mostly the same for mines, but you need to put yourself first. If you’re not gonna out him for doing you wrong, then you gotta find ways to keep your living environment safe from him. Hope you reconsider this.

[Anonymous]

I would distance myself as much as I can from him. This is toxic.

[Asker]

I wish I could… but since he’s a close family member, I’m stuck with him. I’m not planning on cutting off my family which is why I feel so stuck. I’m considering moving to a different city at least

[dudegreat91]

Most definitely. Tell the guy that he disgusts you, otherwise he'll keep on taking liberty.

[Asker]

True, I gotta be more harsh and assertive

[dudegreat91]

All the best

[Staximus]

Tell that scum bag to stay away from you

[Asker]

I wish I could, he’s a close family member so unless I cut ties with my whole family then I’m pretty much stuck…