Should I choose my family or my partner?

[Anonymous]

I met my partner on a dating app back in Nov 2023. We dated long distance (7 hours) until I moved closer to his city in March. We lived together from March to June, and he proposed to me in May. We didn't have many issues. I didn't tell my family about him because I'm South Asian and he's Hispanic, so that would've caused issues (forcing me to go back home).

My school dismissed me in May, so my sister came to move me back unannounced. She told my family he had a human trafficking house because it was in a smaller town with 2 dogs and owned 3 guns. She thought he was dangerous because he showed aggressive behavior, like throwing my suitcase across the room when she was grabbing my belongings to go. But, he and I didn't want to leave, we told her that, she didn't listen, he got mad, and threw the suitcase.

My sister begged me to come home since that was her only job, and my mom wasn't doing good. We all left the next day so he could meet my family, which didn't go well because they thought he was only hyperfocused on taking me back to his house rather than respecting their wish to have a family gathering before I moved back in. I decided to stay home because I saw how my mom needed me, which made my partner mad, and he threatened to end the relationship in front of them, making my family more uncomfortable.

My mom was planning the party yesterday but isn't doing it anymore because my sister started crying again about how crazy he and his home are. He doesn't want to do the party; he's telling me to come to him and forget about them since they're only worried about their happiness and not ours.

I truly don't know what to do. I thought my stay at home would've allowed me not to choose between him and my family, and after their party, everyone could move on with life. Now, my mom is figuring out if police can arrest him since she overheard our conversation about me possibly leaving before the party. I don't want to add more stress/problems to our lives. help.

Choose family

Choose partner

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw girl, this is a really tough spot to be in. Family is so important but so is your happiness. A few thoughts:

- Your partner threatening to leave if you don't abandon your family was NOT okay. Big red flag there.

- Throwing your suitcase also not cool - violence should never be condoned.

- Your family sounds protective but also overreacting some. This whole "party" thing seems like forced control/drama.

- You moving away so fast also caused ripples on both sides I'm sure. Major life changes take adjusting.

My advice would be don't choose either side fully right now. You need space to think clearly without pressure.

Tell your partner you care about him but his behavior crossed lines, and enforce clear boundaries - no threats or anger if you set your own timeline.

Reassure your family you love them too but also need independence. Compromise - have an honest talk versus forced events like parties.

Stay with a friend if you need neutral ground. With calmer heads, everyone's true motives/care for you can show better.

Big choices like this take patience. Focus on open communication, not people pulling you different ways. You've got this sis!

[Anonymous]

That man is a walking red flag. Anger issues, trying to isolate you from your family, threateniing to end the relationship to get his way. And you’re considering choosing this man, who you’ve only met some months ago by the way, over your own family. Leave him and run. He’s a bad person and a bad partner who’ll mess your life up even more than he already has. Things are only going to get worse with time and when it does you’ll be there all alone because you chose him over your family. I can’t say this enough LEAVE HIM. BLOCK HIM. NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN. And before you date new people learn more about warning signs and up your standards.

[Asker]

well my family has also been toxic to me throughout my life. whenever i was with him, things felt less stressful. but i understand what you're saying that he might be a bad person

[Taniisokay]

Men come and goes but family stay with you. What's wrong staying with your family? He is not your husband. The fuck. And he threatened you? Girl bye if you gone choose his ass over your family.

[Asker]

Well, I didn't mind staying with family for the time being before their party, but the plan afterwards was for me to go back with him for us to get married. But my family hasn't been 100% honest about their planning of this thing, and they are now taking it away because they don't feel comfortable about him. My partner feels uncomfortable about my family because he sees them as dishonest and doesn't want to do it anymore since they haven't decided on a set date. He threatened to end the relationship because he was expecting me to choose him since we had discussed a plan beforehand to ensure we were on the same page, so he felt betrayed.

[Taniisokay]

I said what I said. ANYWAY do you. Pick your boyfriend then.

[HelpfulWoman]

... being angry doesn't warrant throwing a suitcase around.
put it this way, do you hate your family? if not, then choose them. they'll be around after this shit show ends.

[Asker]

it's a love hate relationship with my family, i know they care about me but they've been toxic my whole life. they never truly cared about my happiness, only how it benefits them.

[Anonymous]

Normally I would say partner but in this case, choose family. Too many red flags with this man.

[MisterWack]

Stay away, choose family always!

[Asker]

@Taniisokay I haven't made a choice yet hence why I'm asking and trying to see the options I have. Yes i know my partner made mistakes, he's not perfect. No one is. My family has been toxic my whole life and never gave me an ounce of privacy. The only reason I could move out was for school or else they would've forced me to stay home. Even after I decided to stay with them and my partner left to go to his home, they hid my car keys and wallet. To this day, they don't let me drive anywhere by myself. If I do, my mom makes a scene and pretends to hyperventilate.

[MisterWack]

I honestly only read the “She told my family he had a human trafficking house because it was in a smaller town with 2 dogs and owned 3 guns. She thought he was dangerous because he showed aggressive behavior, like throwing my suitcase across the room when she was grabbing my belongings to go.” Part which made me choose the family option…. Though if your family is ACTUALLY toxic then I’m not sure. Basically I have a relative who gets into issues and labels people as “toxic” just for disagreeing so I don't know the circumstance so be true to yourself to make the right call.