After I had my son and got a divorce, my best friend from high school couldn't get pregnant so she would get drunk and call me in the middle of the night and beg me to have a baby for her. I was a single Mom and had a full time job - I couldn't carry a baby for her. Because I said no our friendship ended.
Thank God that technology advances invented IVF and she had two boys! They are grown men now and very successful.
No, I wouldn't. I can't imagine asking a friend to go through that for me, and I wouldn't think too much of a friend who asked it of me. Surrogacy is very hard on surrogate mothers, and they are often misled about the complications and difficulties involved in that kind of pregnancy. No way, not for any amount of compensation. Health is too precious and so are relationships.
@monorprise I'm afraid I don't see it as my responsibility to bear a child for someone who is not my husband. :) It's a loss and a grief to the couple, and it's something they will need to let go of or pursue another option. If someone puts the sole burden of their happiness on whether or not their friend will bear a child on their behalf, I think that's selfish and presumptive of them. They are willing to risk my health and life for their own ends, not to mention the pain of me feeling a life growing inside of me and being compelled to give it to someone else. No, the cost is far too great.
Now, if they choose to find a willing surrogate, that's their choice. But I would not personally do it, and I feel no guilt for refusing to do so.
@TheRealPepperPotts So you don't feel an obligation to carry forth a life that would in a way always be connected to you for anyone but your husband.
Do you believe wife's have an obligation to do that for their husbands, or can she just unilaterally refuse to bare children or more children without compromising the marriage?
The question is at what point and where does a woman have a responsibility to actually carry out the task of bring life into this world? A task she alone can carry out and without which there is no future for anyone?
Clearly with a far below replacement birthrate we in the industrialized world are doing something catastrophically wrong with regard to the choices most women are making in this regard.
@monorprise A husband, if that is the agreement and under what is reasonable based on financial, health and age considerations. I have no agreement otherwise, with any other person, no obligation, and no responsibility.
It is not my job to bear children for other people, period. It is not my responsibility to jeopardize the well-being of my own family for people who can a) potentially use IVF b) adopt or c) sponsor a single parent to give them a chance to raise their children successfully.
@HawkPerception I know it. :) Keep in mind that my opinion is in no way anti-childbirth, I simply believe there is context that exists for having children. Surrogacy, for me, is not an appropriate context, although if someone arranges that with someone else, it's none of my business and it's their concern. But I would not do it.
@monorprise I don't disagree entirely. I do think that there is more to a marriage than childbearing, but that is another conversation. My personal stance is that it's not my obligation to be a childbearer for more than one man (or woman, for that matter, since her egg would be implanted). But I think that is fairly sensible and clear. After all, surrogacy is kind of a sanitized version of having sex with another man. It's just using science, a lot of money, and another woman's egg and hoping it takes without complications in my womb. In the olden days, if I were a slave or servant, I might have been obligated to have sex for reproductive purposes whether I wanted to or not to ensure the survival of the man's seed. These days, I have a choice, thankfully.
As for that, I do wonder how much a man loves a woman who is reproductively barren if his sole interest in her is childbirth. I can imagine the heartbreak of being unable to have biological children. But I have friends who are in that situation, and it is not a dealbreaker for them as far as marriage goes, and they have found other ways. Surrogacy has never once come up. I wouldn't judge a couple for doing that, like I said. My view is simply that I'm not their candidate for that action.
@TheRealPepperPotts Thank you for your response, I understand your point of view on the merits of providing such services for anyone not your husband.
Althou I am not sure I agree entirely on the morality of the question unless we directly associate the utilization of such services with sex and thus her moral obligation to provide it to her husband baring either medical reason as documented by a 3rd party or his consensual release.
Hence the reason to focus on that relationships which I am still unclear on where you stand.
Do you believe childbearing or at least the attempt thereof is a part of sex and as such a standard moral obligation of the wife baring a medical excuse as verified by a 3rd party?
@monorprise I'm super pleased at the civility of this exchange. Thanks for that. :)
I think it depends on the couple and their desire for their relationship. I think it's assumed that those conversations about childbearing or not would be had prior to a lifelong commitment. I have no expectations for the relationships of others regarding whether or not they choose to have a child together.
For me personally, I assumed I would have children when I was married. I can't say I viewed it as a moral obligation, more like a goal we shared. Would I have felt obligated or desperate to do so if either of us were unable to produce children? No. Would I have felt that I was worth less to my spouse if I were infertile? I would hope I wouldn't tie my entire value as a person to my ability to have children. I wouldn't feel my spouse failed me if his sperm wasn't viable; I would hope he would not reject me in a similar predicament. Marriage is filled with complications. It's the choosing of the other over and over again, despite tragedy and disappointment that matters, not having two or twenty children.
That's my view on how marriage should work, anyway. For better, for worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer, until death parts them. Childless or child-filled.
My best friend of nearly 20 years asked me when we were younger if I would ever be a surrogate for him if and when the time came for him to start a family. 14-year-old me agreed because that's what best friends do.
33-year-old me would still make good kn that promise. Not only because we're still best friends bus because I know he would be an amazing dad. Because I know the love he is capable of showing. Because he deserved to start a family and if he is willing to trust me as the person I help make that a possibility I'd be both honored and delighted.
Why would you or him pay thousands of dollars to be inseminated when you could just do it for free? It's like my lesbian friend who wanted 2 kids. She just picked some dude and let him get her pregnant. He could just get you pregnant, gay or not. There are plenty of gay dudes that wanted kids in the past and got some dumbass pregnant to make it happen.
@Staximus right. Autocorrect... I would opt for medical facility because that's in my opinion the best route. End of the day I love my best friend dearly, my whole family does. My dad used to refer to him as his son. If he asked for me to carry his child I would say yes without even thinking. And I would ask that it be done in a medical environment.
I would strongly oppose my OH doing this. She has various health issues and had two difficult pregnancies and births. It wouldn't be appropriate in her circumstances
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