Autism and forgiveness?

Question

Hi there everyone, I have an older brother who is Autistic and from what he tells me and the rest of our family has a lot of trouble forgiving others because of his Autism. I believe he means it's because from what I understand people with autism tent to obsess over things and or is hard for them to get certain things out of their mind. But I'm not entirely sure, it can sometimes be a little bit difficult to communicate smoothly with him. I was just wondering if this is common with other people who have autism and if anyone has any good suggestions that may be helpful on how for an autistic person to forgive others. Thank you so much!

Lynx122 · Accepted Answer

Hmm. I wouldn't call it obsessing. You have to understand he experiences the world differently. Autistic people need to be able to rest and put their mind at ease so they can take on the challenges of the day. If you have someone around that doesn't understand you or maybe has strict expectations of how you should be behaving that can be very stressful.

All humans are built to remember threatening situations and learn not to test our luck too much. But for a autistic person what seems like an average interaction to you can feel very stressful. And we will remember these interactions. Most people don't change a lot so if a person is confrontational and not respectful we will not accept that person in our life because they're causing too much trouble for us. That's how I handled it.

These experiences can cut very deep. As an autistic person in a foreign world that is not adjusted to how we function, we already feel out of place and off balance, at least when we're growing up. So we don't have the same protective shield of confidence. When someone comes and dumps on us it's a more intense and hurtful experience than you would expect.

We need to take care of ourselves and our mental health first and then we can deal with responsibilities and socializing. If someone is disrupting our self care then we will not be able to do much of anything until we resolve the situation.

What he's saying is he does not feel understood, safe and his needs are not being respected. He can't be himself but he's expected to be how you are. Maybe he does not fully know his own needs yet or how to communicate it but he does feel the negative impact of other peoples behavior.

The best way, is to show him through your behavior that he is accepted the way he is and you will make an effort to try and accomodate him. That's all you can do. Each person matures emotionally at their own pace so I don't know where he is standing or how long it will take to overcome his negative experiences. That's up to him.

I personally like to develop emotionally and socially but some autistic people just want their peace and focus on other things. It's different for everyone :)

Avicenna · Accepted Answer

This is a good question. In addition to any anecdotal information you get here, you may want to look at other sources, like the Psychology Today website.

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Accepted Answer

I think that depends on how he understands forgiveness as a social concept. For a long time, I also believed it was impossible to forgive the people who hurt me because I thought “forgiveness” meant “do nothing about it because being mean to them in response to them being mean to you makes you bad and you get no real sense of justice.” Now I know that forgiveness is mostly just deciding not to think about it and also it means that I’m allowed and justified in saying that I don’t want that person in my life anymore and they can live their lives while they stay out of mine.

jahaims · Answer

It's called ruminating. Yes, that is common with autism. They can also have delayed emotional processing and strong morality. In combination it makes it hard for them.