Why is making real friends as an adult so difficult?

[Anonymous]

I've been trying to invite all my acquaintances to come to the bar with me, join sport clubs, dating events. but no one wants to come with me. Some of them say they are interested and will reach out later to schedule a time but they never do. I just dont get it. It just feels like people just dont want to connect. have you had this experience?

[OneViewpoint]

It seems like women have a harder time with this than men do. But I guess it's also a matter of how social you are. As a kid K-12 you are surrounded by other kids all day every day. It's relatively easy to make friends. And that becomes our "normal". Then we head off to university, sometimes far from home and all those K-12 friends are gone. But no big deal, college is pretty much the same deal. You're still surrounded by lots of people your own age who are in the same situation.

Then you graduate. All your college friends scatter to the four winds. Some go back home. Some find jobs 1,000 miles away. Some join the military. Work consumes what used to be social time. Some friends get married some don't. The married people and the single people tend to split into 2 groups who do married and single stuff. The circle of possible friends gets smaller, always smaller. The married friends start having kids. More time consumed that used to be available for friends. Etc. etc. etc.

Work friends change jobs or quit work to raise kids on a random basis. Jobs may move you around if you are trying to have a real career.

It's just the way becoming an adult works. Yeah it can get lonelier. And not everyone has the energy for it or needs the connections. And you have to put more work into it.

You're doing all the right things. Inviting people out, joining groups, seeking out events. But in the end it takes time to bond and become real friends. I moved around constantly until about age 40-50. Born into a military family. 7 schools K-12. My own military career. A Fortune 100 career. A private Equity Career. Now my own consulting business. The best advice I can give you is to put down roots somewhere and start to develop a circle of friends. You'll never get there doing what I did.

[melnc]

It’s not about hard or easy. People just changed. We’ve got more ways to connect but less actual connection. Nobody stays patient. Nobody invests. Everyone’s replaceable. Relationships feel shallow now, not because we can't do better, but because most people don't even care to try. On top of that, most folks have swapped real life relationships for a smartphone. Social media made us less social... you can see someone available online 24/7, but in real life? They're nowhere to be found. It's backwards. You're literally watching people exist on a screen while they ghost you in person. It’s gotten straight up insane.

[Asker]

I agree. So accurate

[melnc]

Thanks for the MHO

[Anonymous]

I have the opposite issue, I feel like I'm constantly turning down invites just because there is not enough time in the day to deal with the people who are already in my life. And it's not that many people. My core group is fewer than 10 people and my real close core group is around 3.

[EmmaMary]

Would I be right in thinking that you're not married, no family, not even have a boyfriend... Just have so much time on your hands to do as you please.

A lot of people in your age bracket are at least settled, have stability, responsibilities and other varied interests.

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHO.

[molonski2]

I think the older you get it does become more difficult as people have more going on , it's certainly not like when you were a teenager and you can't keep them away..

House parties are an example..

[Asker]

thats partially true. But not entirely. I feel like many adults without children HAVE the time to make friends but they just don't care enough to care about it. For example, if an adult has time to do go join a club on a weekend afternoon, they rather make the excuse that they can't go cuz they forgot to do the laundry the day before. Laundry could've been done earlier to avoid this issue

[choco-latte]

Because adults live busier lives than children and teenagers. They have work, schedules, studies, their own families, etc. They don’t have as much time on their hands as they did when they were younger.

[RachyRach]

People stop having the time to do these things sadly.

[jahaims]

You are emotionally immature if you can't make friends

[Anonymous]

I have. That’s why I’m glad I’m still in college.

[MasterKS]

beacuse hardly 1% adult people are real friend.

[leviopperman]

you're probably ugly