I don't "click" with my boyfriend's family ... Now what?

[Anonymous]

I'm facing relocating due to my boyfriend moving closer to his family. One problem is that I don't really "click" with them. He spends 90% of his free time with his parents and/or sisters, and they also all go on extended vacations together each year.

Is it possible to make this work if we were to get married? I worry about "drowning" in his family and their preferences.

[cazza3]

Well it depends on a lot of things. How long are you together? How well do you know his family? What exactly do you mean by click? Do you get along but have little in common or are you coming from a completely different perspective than they are e.g they're religious you're not. When it comes to families it can be tough especially when he's close to them. My fiance is very close to his family, whereas I was brought up to be independent and so couldn't understand their relationship. I have become very close to his family eventhough at the start I thought we had nothing in common. Some aspects still get on my nerves like the spoiling of his youngest sister like she's 12 when's she's actually 27. We actually had a massive argument over it because I felt as though his family were always going to be his number one priority and I don't play second fiddle to no one

You will have to stick with your guns and let him know what you're comfortable with. Its fantastic that he has such a great relationship with them but he has to realize in order for your relationship to blossom it needs room to breathe.

[Asker]

For example, they think my career is stupid and that I should get into a different career path so I can move up to be close to their son. They like to gamble and play cards nonstop, which is one of my least favorite activities. I read a lot, which my boyfriend has already said is "too much." Stuff like that.

[cazza3]

What you do for a living is none of their business and your boyfriend should be the one to tell them that. As for the card playing and reading its really immaterial. So they like to gamble and you don't, so what just sit back and let it go, laugh a little. You don't have to have every little thing in common just a bit of respect for each other and a willingness to give "it" a go. Maybe you come across as a little condescending as though you don't approve of their gambling and nobody likes that.

[kdizzleforizzle91]

As I've never been in this situation, my only suggestion is to just be nice and respectful. Try to bond with each of his relatives over something, no matter how small it is. Even if you can only form a nice bond with one person, that's still a good start. Just remember to show repect and be nice, and everything else should follow eventually.

[Asker]

We get long OK, just that we dont' "click" and have a hard time enjoying each others' company. It always seems like work for me to get along with his family, as I don't know any of the things they're talking about and vice versa.

[kdizzleforizzle91]

If you don't understand what they're talking about, then ask your boyfriend to explain when you're alone. After all, he's part of his faily and would understand what they're talking about.

[Asker]

Reality tv, manicures, gossip ... stuff like that. I don't know if my boyfriend can help :(

[kdizzleforizzle91]

Personally, I hate "reality" tv. So I don't think I'd care if I could talk about that with someone. I'm sure there are other things you could talk about. Maybe music or movies...sports? Or you could try to bring up another topic and see if you can all share an opinion about it.

[surfer475]

no offense he needs to grow up and depart his relationship life with his family life. Family is important but if he want to start a family of his own some day he needs to put you first. don't change just to fit into his family if they don't like you tough luck he chose you not another whore

[NotSoBad]

This is a good question. I'm a family guy and I enjoy spending time with my family. I've noticed some girls I date can't be left alone in the same room with my family. To me that is a big redflag. If a girl can't be comfortable around my family alone then it isn't going to work. On holidays if I left the room she would follow me. It was like having a child who was insecure.

If you really love this guy you can try. Put yourself out there and don't be afraid to be yourself. You don't have to impress anyone. You just have to be a good person. And remember don't take things his family says or does personally. Sometimes, people need to be around others long enough just to understand them.

The family will not drown you. You will drown yourself if you hold back.

[Asker]

I think one of the reasons I'm so afraid is that, my whole life, I had planned on being in a location where both of our families are near, so we could split time with them. This would put us so his family would be in our lives daily, whereas mine would be monthly or less. That worries me, as we are so different. I do not enjoy any of the activities that are central to their lives, not sure how to accomodate them without ALWAYS having to do stuff I don't enjoy. Ideas?

[NotSoBad]

Can you give me some examples of the activities they enjoy that you dont? What types of activities do you enjoy? Maybe you can introduce them to things you like to do.

[Asker]

They like going to casinos and race tracks, gambling, playing cards, etc. They aren't crazy addicts or anything, just like to gamble. They play cards for money almost nonstop. I tend to like a bunch of different stuff, but none of it is "thrill" related. Playing cards is probably one of my top 10 least favorite activities, as I get tired of always having to be competitive and stressed out.

[ryanontario]

i don't know but he might not spend as much time with them if you were married but it is important to get along with boyfriends family . its sort of a tough one to figure out , we can understand why its an issue for you

[DevilishCharmer]

I'm not proud of it but partly why I ended a 6-year relationship was because I didn't click with her family. They were nice people, we always enjoyed pleasant conversations and polite jokes but a little boring and for some unknown reason I just didn't enjoy being around them much. It's ok in small doses early on, but there's a possibility these could be the grandparents to your kids. No kid deserves boring grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Try to get to know his family. Figure out why you and his family don't get along. Try to fix it and maybe they would invite you on an extended vacation. And about his free time, if you honestly feel like he doesn't spend enough time with you, tell him you feel a little left out and he'll probably understand.

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice. This was a pretty old question and we actually ended breaking up after almost 2 years over differences in the way we think partners should treat each other. I don't mind spending time with a guy's family... Just his in particular was very critical and talked to each other in very derogatory ways. Which he did to me too, once they honeymoon period wore off...

[Anonymous]

just be as nice as possible it will make him think more positive about you and if you are not negitive then his family has nothing to not like about you. if they still don't like you after that then let him know in a kind way how you feel. becasue remeber its always family first and if you don't approuch this the smart way you might lose this man

[Asker]

I am not trying to desperately cling to him, more to evaluate whether we are a good fit. I don't know if I can give up the rest of my life to spending all of my free time with him family. We get along fine, just dont' enjoy the same things at ALL.

[Anonymous]

If you're OK with them that's fine. You don't have to be best friends. As long as there's no tension, it's no problem. Not all families are perfect.

[Asker]

I agree in most cases, but he spends 90% of his free time with them. I'm not exaggerating.