My boyfriend is racist and I'm black. How do I cope?

[Picopa]

I feel so bad. I know my boyfriend has a racist side if he hangs around these people. My boyfriend just sent me a picture of him and his friends playing a drinking game. I asked if those were the friends that I couldn't meet because they're racist. He was very nonchalant about it and simply replied, "yep."

I have very low self esteem, I don't have any friends, I enjoy having him around. I know this is bad for me and that most people wouldn't put up with it, but is there any way I can cope?

It's similar to a homosexual couple dating when one partner hasn't come out yet. They find a way to manage.

Updates

+1 y

He said he would introduce me after we talked about it. I'll see if he "forgets" or if "they're busy." I still feel like I shouldn't have had to ask. I'll update!

[Anonymous]

You definetely have low self esteem if you're dating some racist guy. You are not even his real girlfriend, you're just some girl he sneaks around with on the low. He doesn't respect you as a person, you're just there for his needs. DROP THIS LOSER. He's not even worth the time of day of having a proper breakup with. He gives no f***s about you. The only way you can cope is by dumping him. Have some pride, dignity and self respect

And don't listen to the idiots telling you it's no big deal. I bet if they had a daughter who was secretly dating some black guy who didn't want his people knowing about them messing with some white girl, they wouldn't tell her "Hey hang in there Becky, it's OK. You're being pushy by expecting to be introduced to his friends and acknowledged in public. It's totally fine for you to be good enough to hang out/mess around with in private but he can't have you around his friends because they hate white people like you" Uhh no. It's not good enough and acceptable for someone THEY care about, but here they are telling you to accept it. They should be ashamed of themselves for even giving you that advice.

He's a racist just like they are. That's why they're such good friends. OK one random racist out of a group of friends, may be a one off thing. But if the entire f***ing group is racist then what do you think he is? Plenty of racists can get their dicks hard to a colored girl but that doesn't mean that they respect your humanity. Thomas Jefferson had a long term affair with his 14 year old slave but guess what, she was still a f***ing slave!

Imma need you to do better

[Picopa]

Thank you very much.

[toricakes]

Agreed

[kangaru]

+1

[Nastya]

You took the words right out of my mouth.

[sarahbeara2010]

Well, I wouldn't say that he is racist...if he seriously was, then he wouldn't be dating you or even coming around you at all. It seems to me like it's the friends who are racist...and as far as I'm concerned, the only right thing for him to do would be to stop caring about what his insensitive little buddies think and to start being proud of his girlfriend. If he can't do that, then you need to move on and find someone who will be willing to show you off to the world...regardless of what the world thinks.

[Sweetescpe13]

Sweetie that's not right :( You DESERVE someone who will show you off! Who cares if you're a beautiful black woman! You don't need to be white to have approval of your boyfriend's friends. That's stupid and he seems like not very much of a man himself. You deserve someone better..

[Distant]

It shouldn't really matter to you because your boyfriend is still dating you. Although, him hiding you from his friends could be considered offensive, in which case you should think about leaving him. Just because he hangs around with racist people doesn't mean he has a "racist side" though. I have some racist friends but that doesn't stop me from befriending others or dating them.

[Picopa]

But, don't your racist friends make racist comments and then you just laugh it off? You're not just going to defend black people when there's no one else around. Isn't that racism?

[Distant]

Racism is believing that one race is superior to another which I do not believe. If my friends make a racist joke, I just shake my head like "That's ludicrous!" but don't partake in the laughter. Just because I don't take action against it, doesn't mean I agree with it.

[Picopa]

I'm not so sure he's the same way. He grew up with these guys.

[Distant]

He may not be the same way but growing up with them doesn't necessarily mean anything. I also grew up with these friends of mine and do not let them influence my opinion of others. Especially, based on something as trivial as race.

[Picopa]

Would you date a black girl and hide her from your friends? Not asking if you're attracted to them or not.

[Distant]

If I'm attracted to a girl, I'd date her. That's why I mentioned it.

[Anonymous]

Do online dating, you'll find a million guys that will worship u, regardless of what you look like. You have no future with this guy, you deserve so much better.

[Picopa]

I'm in the south an I like white guys. There's no help for me. I met him and my pervious boyfriend online. I had a checklist of things I wanted in a guy. I got them all, but bow this racism thin keeps happening. I have to make it a point to add that now. I just met a new guy who has no family because they died. I guess I could try him. Of course he has no car and only a part time job.

[jenni_ms]

You can be in the south and like white guys and still have one who ISN'T racist. I think it's unhealthy to limit yourself to only one race of people and single out the rest as being unattractive, especially if your own race is included in that group. No wonder your self-esteem is low, you don't like your own race so you find yourself unattractive. Appreciate yourself more, I'm sure you're beautiful regardless of how this guy is treating you.

[AndyWes]

Lol, the only guys that "worship" girls are losers that girls don't want.

[Opinion Owner]

And guys on gag

[pickledxtofu]

You cope by breaking up with him, working on yourself, gaining some self-esteem and finding someone who will not bring you into such a bad situation.

[Picopa]

That's what I can't understand. Why would he do this to me? Like I said, I just found out about it. If I had known when I first met him, I wouldn't have continued to see him. I hate dealing with this crap. My boss is racist and I spend 40 hours a week with her! I hate the south

[pickledxtofu]

I live in the south and my boyfriend is white (i'm biracial). We don't have this issue. His friends and parents like me. Likewise, my parents and friends like him. I love him (obviously) and he loves me. I wouldn't put up with a guy who brings me into a situation like this because it's dehumanizing and embarrassing.

[Picopa]

I'm glad it's working for you.

[pickledxtofu]

It would work for you if you would gain some self esteem and find someone who won't treat you like this. You're allowing yourself to be treated like this. You only have yourself to blame

[Picopa]

Okay

[kangaru]

I think what others pointed out does make sense, if he is really racist he wouldn't be with you. But Then by 'hiding' you from his friends either he doesn't want to feel the peer pressure of why he is dating someone outside his race or he simply weak to defend. Tbh, I wouldn't like it if I were in your shoes, it just tell me he couldn't handle his friends or defend me. This is so unfortuante as we cannot choose who and what we are born into.

[SunshineLelek]

How do you cope? You don't. You leave with your dignity before the situation punctures it.

[SunshineLelek]

Leave him or you only have yourself to blame

[Picopa]

Okay

[randomhobo]

How is he racist exactly? He is dating you so I hardly think he is racist, he is simply friends with some people who are: and he thinks its best you don't meet so you won't get your feelings hurt and no argument will start.

If anything I'd say he's looking out for your feelings by saying its best to not meet them, he could of just been ad***and let you get your feelings hurt by them instead.

[Anonymous]

I hate to break it to you, but if he was racist, he wouldn't date a black girl. If it bothers you that much that some of his friends are "racist" (you didn't clarify if they're racist that they make race jokes, or if they're tattooed KKK members. Bit of a difference) then break up with him.

[gotc147]

"My boyfriend is racist and I'm black".

Think about this for a minute, why would a racist willingly enter an intimate relationship with a black girl?

[Picopa]

I don't know, you tell me: a dare, to have sex with a black girl, to see how "dumb" black people really are?

[gotc147]

Have you had sex with him already?

[Picopa]

Yes! Why?

[gotc147]

Why is still with you then?

If he were a true racist, he wouldn't touch you with a 10 foot pole.

My point is, he is not racist.

[Picopa]

He's racist. I have no idea why he's "with" me (whatever that means).

[gotc147]

No he is not. Racism in the REAL meaning means seeing people of another race as inferior and therefore having the right to control them.

Racism the way people think about it today is bigotry, meaning they dislike other people because of their race.

Either way, either a racism or a bigot is not going to be in a relationship with a black person.

[Picopa]

Beyond that, does it actually sound like a "relationship" to you? I mean, what can we actually do together? I can't go to Thanksgiving dinner at his place, I can't go to friends cookouts. What CAN actually happen?

[gotc147]

So now we're talking about his friends and family, can't speak for them so much.

[Picopa]

Yeah, I'm just a "phase" according to them. I wouldn't want to be around them anyway, but just knowing that really hurts me. I wasn't raised in this country. So, when I came here there was a HUGE culture shock. Jews aren't treated this way.

[gotc147]

Time will tell if you're a "phase".

Heed my advice: Find someone you be happy with, this guy is not a racist but his friends and family might be or might be bigots, obviously you're unhappy and have little to loose by ending it.

[Picopa]

Thanks. I wish there were separate best answers for a guy and girl.

[SunshineLelek]

So what...she may have phrased it wrong, but there's still a problem with the relationship if he has racist friends and won't introduce her to them because he KNOWS they'll disrespect her. Would he defend her? Wether he's racist or not, him being friends with racists who probably joke about his girlfriend in the most degrading way, is a HUGE issue.

[Picopa]

Exactly! That's what I was trying to say.

[Anonymous]

You cope by breaking up with him and finding someone who respects you and doesn't keep you away from his friends. There is no need for you to have to put up with that.

[Anonymous]

Simply never be with anyone that is ashamed to be with you.

[SunshineLelek]

+1

[Picopa]

If only it were so simple. How could I know thy when I first met him?

[Opinion Owner]

By asking people lots of questions and not going too fast. Be more careful next time. It IS that simple.

[SunshineLelek]

lol, read this answer and started to upvote you then noticed my comment.

[kangaru]

+1

[SaltandVinegar]

why would you want to cope? find someone who will introduce you to his friends

[Anonymous]

What has he done that is racist though? He's dating you. What? Because he won't introduce you to his friends? Good! I wonder if his friends are racist or he just doesn't want you inviting yourself or having the obligation of inviting you when he goes out with them. Pushy...

[Picopa]

I've been with him for 4 months. He met my friends before we even started dating. He talks about them all the time, so one day I asked why I hadn't met them. He told me they're racist and he doesn't want to lose either of us or start a fight or something.

[Opinion Owner]

So?

[Picopa]

So, it bothers me. My last bf's parents banned me from their house because they were racist. I'm starting to wonder if it's something that I'm secretly drawn to. I know I hated it then, but I only just found out about this. I want to stay with him, but I might not be able to.

[Opinion Owner]

^^ 5 pushy holes lol

I find it odd that you accuse everyone in your life of racism. This boyfriend, your past boyfriends, parents, you boss, etc and not just on this question. You have the luxury of such things though, so whatever.

[SunshineLelek]

Ignore this answer, QA. He's obviously not here to help but just to criticize you for calling your boyfriend racist.

[Anonymous]

Why are minority women the only ones I hear in this situation? I'm pretty sure if this was a guy in this situation, he would never condone this and he would end the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I think he has you on the side as a hook up, leave him

[Anonymous]

Leave him and find yourself a suitable black man

[Cottoncandydreams]

lol

[Anonymous]

lol some women don't have respect or self esteem.