How to not think of yourself as pretty?

[Anonymous]

As a child I was told often that I was cute, even beautiful. I tick some boxes assigned to physical beauty in my country such as taller than average height, bright light skin, dark hair, big eyes, naturally long eyebrows and eyelashes. In my teen years I was often referred to as "that pretty girl", "that pretty friend of yours" etc. Then when I went to college things drastically changed, I was immediately deemed average, unattractive and even ugly. The beauty standard at my college was visible curves and a sexually appealing appearance. I'm not sexually attractive, I kinda have a baby face and not too prominent curves. Besides I didn't know how to take care of myself. Once a classmate at college told me that I needed to pray to god for my sins because otherwise why would I look that bad. 3 years of being there and my confidence was completely shattered, I feared going in front of unknown people fearing they would hate me just looking at my ugliness.

After leaving college I had a skin infection which led me to a dermatologist and that changed my life. I started a minimal skincare routine, I learned to manage my curly hair better, I also gained a few pounds. Currently I'm working as a junior researcher at a very reputed university in my country and nobody calls me ugly here, people are actually very nice. Now, I feel like I'm pretty again. However, this thought unsettles me from time to time. What if I'm becoming a narcissistic, self-obsessed person? Labelling myself as pretty makes me appear different than many people in my eyes and that's not a nice thing. As someone who has experienced being both pretty and ugly, I can definitely say that being treated as ugly is way worse and I never comment on people's appearance. However I have rejected people who approached me with romantic interest because I felt like they were not good-looking enough for me (didn't tell them this thing of course). How do I humble myself?

[lightbulb27]

how about grow up and stop being so shallow?

Go to martial arts class and get beat up all the time...

[Asker]

I know basic martial art, learned it to defend myself. Getting beaten up isn't an option I was looking for. I don't know why you think I'm shallow, I don't see myself as shallow, I just fear having even 1% energy of my bullies.

[lightbulb27]

I got beatup in martial arts sometimes, that's why I suggest that. it's humblig.
those last statements are striking and add value. I think I see what happened. You were taught a value young, but were you taught about the value of character inside? I look much more to that, although of course, we all like what looks good. I think you have some learning to do on your own, to see the value and character inside the person, rather than the external. this is the analogy of the "paper tiger" in martial arts... somewhat. There is inner beauty which comes out.
bullies can really damage your self worth and esteem, especially if you are oriented to only how you look. There's reasons girls value looks... but we teach our kids to value other qualities in themselves and others.
Then your blemishes don't matter as much, we all have blemishes. I have scars, my wife has this and that. you get to know someone, they are not so perfect... noone is. Most people online and stars are doctored up, they don't look as good up close.
I do suggest going to God/Christ and learning to take ownerhsip of your heart, your worth, your value as a human being.
Frankly, we are all a bunch of bacteria and cells... life is very temporary. Start working on the eternal, and learn to see the value in others beyond looks.
can you do that?

[Asker]

Thanks, but I'm not Christian. I think you misread me. I was never concerned about appearance, this post screams so to you probably because this post specifically targets that and doesn't really reveal more about me. When my mentioned my younger years I was trying to reflect that I wasn't suffering from insecurity back then, appearance related issues didn't bother me. Going to college and getting constantly picked on changed that. You're assuming that I've nothing to care about except looks when I've already mentioned that I'm a researcher, if anything I care about the most, it's my thesis. I had to qualify tons of tough exams with less than 1% success rate to reach this point. Of course I had to care about passing them. My whole point was that as someone who has been bullied for looks, I dislike myself when I can see I'm not attracted to certain people who are romantically interested in me because of how they look. For example I didn't like someone because he had a lot of belly fat in his 20s. Although I don't say this thing to their face, I fear I'm acting like my bullies deep down. I don't care about looks even slightest bit when it's not a romantic setup.

[Asker]

*when I mentioned

[lightbulb27]

but it makes sense as follows
A) you learned a value based upon looks reinforced in early life
B) you were hurt emotionally in school after a physical alteration and people making hurtful comments about it. It's hurtful because you learned this is an important value. "Bullying" is painful and once in a repressed state, can stay there until that "wound" is reframed and energy released (my opinion).

When romantic issue, we all have judgements we make. The reasons for those judgements can go back before our lifetime... was passed onto us by family or picked up in childhood. We all end up with preferences.

Anyone can become a Christian or put effort into learning anything if you so choose. If you want to change, then you will have to put in effort to re-evaluate your own value system. I lived this myself. My wife is chinese and I never was attracted to Asian... there were none in my childhood and the few I met I didn't care for. I learned to like her moreso for her values and character than looks. I'd rather have those things then looks. There are certain looks I like because I felt love when I saw that, so I associated to those looks. You have to make tradeoffs... because noone is perfect in looks or character.
I, like you, would not select a woman that was obese, but chubby be ok. I would not choose a smoker, I can't stand being around it, but one woman looked good enough I liked her, but I'm glad I didn't go there. Choices and decisions... and I understand myself enough to make good decision.

You are in a stage of life where you are evaluating "why do I think or feel this way" and "what do I do about it". That is introspection, you have to look inside of yourself, how you were programmed and determine how you live. It is difficult to see ourselves let alone make changes, but it is possible with effort.
It's your life, you choose.

[lightbulb27]

since you are hungup on religion, then study the sub conscious mind... watch videos and such. It's hard to see ourselves as I noted, but that is what is making these decisions... what is embedded inside you... passed onto you from ancestors and learned in early childhood. Also look at child development stages to see what you learned at different ages.

[Asker]

Do you mean Freud, Jung, Lacan? I have read them. I also know about the phases of child development, I have also studied I, I had papers on them.

[Asker]

I understand what you mean and thank you for this long reply. I'm not a Christian because I belong to a different religion and my religion tells me to follow my own reason and make sense of the world with my own intelligence. My religion actually allows one to practice it as a lifestyle and philosophy and remain an atheist.

[lightbulb27]

You be you, as I said, you make your choices. since you are asking me, I give you the best answer and wisdom I have. I don't know everything. What I have found is life gets revealed to you.. when your eyes are awake to see what was always there, you learn something new. I could have read all those books and more but not seen my own issues... until I suffered in enough pain to learn. Suffering is how we learn, it is the deeper emotional self that is seeing and interacting. Not the logical self. I was referring to Erickson and Clark chart on child development, is useful to find wounds and correct them when you can align a behavior to a wound in life. To me, any wound is that not from love or mis perceived due to lack of context. A child doesn't understand all they encounter to put it into perspective... as well their personality may distort what happened.

This reminds me of this writing from Apostle Paul. I find the theme correct. can have all the knowledge of everything... but it is useless without love. It is the thing we sought from day one, what we want during, and when we exit. That is where the heart and mind should be...
1 Corinthians 13

the intelligent book smart academics are some of the most challenging of people... for they have turned off their emotions and cannot relate.
hows this, we both don't eat for a day, dress in rags and stand on the street corner asking for help. You'll find some feelings to relate to the less fortunate and generate some humility. Reach out to someone in need... you'll find some humility. They won't care about your looks...

I'm about finding solutions to get to the next step of life. For this is only a step, you know that... many challenges life ahead.

[lightbulb27]

Face them with courage and you'll persevere.

[BobbieBoy666]

Even though I'm bald and old I still concerted myself petty

[lightbulb27]

You aren't bald, your hair just slid down your back due to gravity!
It means you've become wiser...
It's all how you look at it, eh?:-)

[BobbieBoy666]

@lightbulb27 💕💕😇Than you. 💕

[Anonymous]

U sound stunning . Why would u humble yourself for these ugly whores

[Asker]

I fear having even 1% of their energy because I know how hurtful it is.

[Opinion Owner]

Fear? lol. Crush those ugly nigga bitches

[AI Opinion]

It's understandable to feel uneasy about how being perceived affects your self-image. Embracing self-love doesn't have to mean being self-obsessed. Remember, beauty is subjective, and how you treat others is what truly defines you. Focus on the qualities that make you a kind and compassionate person. Try to appreciate your uniqueness without comparing yourself to others. Everyone has insecurities, and recognizing the beauty in diversity helps put into perspective how fleeting and personal beauty standards can be. Continue to nurture self-awareness and empathy—it’s a lifelong journey. 🌟

[Anonymous]

I never think of myself as pretty.