My girlfriend's dad hits her?

[Anonymous]

Recently my girlfriend told me that her dad hits her. She still lives at home while attending college but is planning on moving out soon. Obviously she is an adult but she does not know how to handle this. She won't tell anyone because she is afraid of her dad going to prison. I have my own place where she is safe.

Moving away does not solve the problem. Her decision to not tell anyone seems overwhelming to me. I've seen the bumps and bruises. That's not love, that is an illness and weakness possessed by her father. She doesn't want me telling anyone. I refuse to make that promise to her.

Any advice on how to approach this? Anyone ever hear the song "Alyssa Lies." I don't want that scenario to play out.

[hisangel]

Abuse works so well because it destroys the belief in the victim that they deserve better. Especially a child who has grown up being abused. They have been taught their whole life that the abuser has every right and they have no rights. It can also do a great job of making that person believe that certain people have value and certain people don't. In other words, the person doing the beating has great value cause they are the one who has the power, rights, and privileges. The one being beat (your girlfriend) has no rights and no value. It's not even like a "low self esteem" thing. Her belief that she has no value is like someone saying she has brown eyes. It's probably a given to her.

Now if your girlfriend thinks she has no value and she thinks her father does, how easy is it going to be for her to throw him in jail? She doesn't think she has any right too. And that isn't something that changes over night. It will take a lifetime. And it is a painful process. If you convince her she has worth then she develops anger cause if she has worth why wasn't it stop? When she realizes she was a victim she develops shame. When she realizes it was wrong of him she develops humiliation that everyone knew. When she realizes her father isn't a good guy she develops loss. That's why people that go through this can get into drugs and drinking so easily. To heal, you have to go through so much pain. You have to rip open a wound and dig out all the dirt. It's not just her father going to prison that will solve that.

Your heart is in the right place but the law requires her to be on board with it. And right now she doesn't sound like she is there.

This is just my opinion but I think the best thing you can do for her is show her the value she has to you. When you say things like "You are so special I can't believe anyone would do this to you." "You are so loving to him how could he do this?" and things like that, it's going to wake up a voice in her that has died. It's going to make her start to see that she has value. And the voice that has been buried that is telling her her fathers actions are wrong will start to get a little louder in her. And that's what gets him put in jail. Her belief that she doesn't deserve to be hit. No convincing on your part can make her do that. She needs her own worth to put him in jail.

But just a tip for you. If you can value her you can devalue her. If she starts to believe that you think she is worth something, it's going to be a bumpy ride cause anything you do can set her off cause she just got devalued. But you need to understand that you can't be her savior. You can't put all her happiness on your shoulders. Be good to her but don't drown in co-dependency. Which you have a very high chance of drowning in with a child of an abuser. She wants a savior and you want to be it. But it can cause a lot of ups and downs that can be tiring.

[Anonymous]

This situation is extremely complicated. As much as you want to say something to someone it could make it much worse for her. Giving her somewhere safe to go is helpful, but she will need some sort of counseling to move forward. I have dealt with this a lot in my family, and there never seems to be a rational solution. My father's father was extremely physically abusive to my father and aunt while they were growing up. It took my father years of therapy and drugs to realize that it was okay to be mad at his father for beating them. My aunt however still refers to her father has "having a temper", mind you he once broke her collar bone because she wanted to go out with a boy he didn't approve of. My father's father died when my dad was in his early twenties, otherwise the abuse would have continued their whole lives. It doesn't help her to send her father to jail, but it does help to get her out of the situation. No matter how horrible a person is if they are your parent it is hard to want to put them in that position. When my dad hit my brothers and sisters I wanted it to stop, but I never wanted him to go to jail. You will never understand how she feels about the situation and you cannot convince her to turn against her father without pushing her away. If you feel she is truly in danger help her move out and go somewhere safe. Her decision to not tell anyone is her own. The more you pressure her the more she will feel pushed away by you. Don't push it. The outcome could be much worse than the situation because he may not stay in jail for long. If she isn't willing to testify against him, which most likely she is not then things will not change for her. She will be in a worse place emotionally and her dad could become worse. It isn't as cut and dry as it may seem from the outside. It's not as easy as she tells a cop and her dad is arrested and gets what he deserves. My dad has been in jail more than once, and never for more than one night. The system is flawed and it isn't as simple as you might think. Encourage her to visit a school counselor and get some help.

My father stopped hitting his kids and wife after years of therapy. Now he locks himself in his room and cries when he would have typically hit, or he punches holes in walls. Most abusers never realize their behavior is wrong and therefore never stop. Your girlfriends dad will never stop, but that doesn't mean she can't leave.

[thexgf]

wow . that's sad ): I guess you should encourage her to talk to someone about it just in case it gets out of hand :S I mean how would you feel if she ended up in hospital and you barely recognized her ? you don't want to lose her trust by telling anyone either, but encourage her to talk to someone about it, someone that'll know how to handle the situation. If she gets angry at you, tell her you're doing this because you care. If she refuses to talk to someone and the beatings get serious, SPEAK UP before its too late.

[sumina7]

It is a very sad and difficult situation.

Nobody in her family is helping her. It is a very typical of an abusive situation.

All you can do is offer your place and your support in case she decides to stand up for herself. At the same time, the longer you know about it but do not do anything the more you become like a co-dependent.

Read a book called "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward.

[AkilJoseph]

Bro.thats hard if it was the other way around I'd tell her dad to deal with the guy.Get her outa there keep her safe with you and try to brain storm because chances are he's gonna come after her.

[chika]

The best thing is just be with her on all times let her know your with her at any cost don't pressure her because it looks like she gets pressured already the best thing for her is to move out with you because once she is not in his house he can not do anything to her also its better for her she won't have to live with him so he won't have to hit her.if you guys do end up living together try not visiting him so much so he can see that he made so many mistakes that now she won't even visit him

[Anonymous]

She's an adult, she needs to move out. I don't know what's stopping her. Financial reasons is NOT an excuse. If necessary she can find a job to support herself. It's a horrible situation and obviously he's been hitting her since she was a child. I'm surprised she didn't move out the day she turned 18. Seems like she's too scared or not motivated enough to stand on her own 2 feet. You need to help her out of this situation. Let her live with you until she's settled into her own place.

[Sydnor]

Her dad SHOULD be arrested. It's called domestic violence (and physical abuse), and it's against the law.

[KoJoVic]

any updates?