Have you ever experienced mutual "Limerence"?

[Anonymous]

Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the ultimate, near-obsessive form of romantic love. Limerence is sometimes also referred to as infatuation, or is colloquially known as a crush. In common speech, infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolating from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived.

Basically, it is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love; addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense passion or admiration for someone. Limerence can be difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it, and it is thus often dismissed by nonlimerents as ridiculous fantasy or a construct of romantic fiction.

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Usually if I have a liking for somebody I like them for years and years and usually (more so then not) I end up in some type of relation with the person I like. I never ever experience "kind of like" - I'm either totally into a person or not at all and it's so very rare for me to really, really and truly like a guy. I think maybe over the years I have been Limerent for 5 guys in total but out of those 5 guys I don't think they ever felt mutual limerence - I think my feelings were always much stronger for them.

My latest Limerent 0bject has been the last 2.5 years. I didn't even "like him" at first but he started to stare at me and those stares turned into daily mutual eye contact and little smiles and then that turned into a strange tension between us where we'd stand nearby each other, stare but keep silent and that turned into fidgeting and blushing (on his part) and sideways glances and lingering nearby to hear my conversations, etc. Well he's been my limerent object for like I said, 2.5 years but I believe he's also prone to Limerence and I believe I was his object of desire before he was mine.

The problem with Limerence is the fact that it's such a strong attraction it's really hard to define, ignore and also the risk is so high that you rarely come forward and say that you like the person in fear of rejection and since the "game" is what keeps the high going and the romantic "if only" well the risk is hard to take. Also my Limerent 0bject has been married for like 8 years which makes this game so much more tantalizing but also the risk is the ultimate risk!

I think for the first time in my life I've met somebody I have mutual Limerence with. When we stare at each other we never look away - we just stand and stare with doe eyes - no words - and lately he has been coming around more and opening up by actually speaking a bit more than just "hello and how are you"...

Have you ever experienced this strange thing?

If you aren't familiar with Limerence please don't respond unless you have an intelligent answer!

[Anonymous]

I agree with whoever posted that first comment about using fancy words to describe irrational crushes on people you clearly have no chance with (and even if you do it's wrong as hell). Everyone in their life will have crushes that they never do anything about for long periods of time and it builds tension and chances are it's all in your mind. Just because you use big words instead of saying "Hey I really f***ing like this guy but I'm too stuborn and stuck up to go talk to him and see if he feels the same way." You may not see this because you're so awe-struck by how you think you feel about this man but he is married and you have no place getting involved in that. I don't care whether Dorothy Tennov says Limerence is different than a crush... Frankly, hardly anyone will care that you or her say it's different. If there is such a strong connection, make something of it. If it's about the risk, risk it and do something about it. Love at first sight is just lust, so if you're really attracted to him by his physical atributes, chances are its a really strong lusty crush on a married man who won't be leaving his wife of eight years.

[rhi12]

i personally can relate to your story. I have had limerent objects, past crushes but recently I have a mutual attraction, not sure about limerence on his part. He, too is married which makes the situation that much more difficult! I can't stop thinking about him, and try to look for any clue that he reciprocates my feelings. However, he is married so its a little tricky. Also, someone in my office told him that I have a crush on him so he knows I like him. He makes the longest eye contact with me and so tense/anxious/nervous when I'm aroung him...

[femmefatale]

I know exactly what you mean! I'm a psych major and it wasn't until I had taken a course on interpersonal relationships that I was able to put a name to this intense feeling I would have toward a person. It isn't the same thing as a crush. It is much more consuming and, when not reciprocated, emotionally draining. That person becomes your epicenter. Everything they say or do gives you this unequivocal high. And that fear of rejection is almost crippling. Thanks for posting this! It always helps to find people who experience similar things to yourself :)

[Asker]

Only a few of you really got this question and yes it's kinda awful and paralyzing at times. Thanks for the comment!!!

[wakinyanska]

Like you, I wasn't attracted to her at all. She was afraid of me. How do I know? Cause I read her body language and she told me later. But it changed one day, we were having a good time with each other and I saw how blue her eyes were. I never noticed that before. By that time she was engaged. But ever since that day I couldn't stop thinking about her. I know its mutual because my friend tells me that she asks about me all the time. Our game is on a continuing high and we can't control ourselves. I know I can never be with her(she's married) but our thing(mutual limerence) keeps me from killing myself.

[JPARRIS]

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I've felt that way before, and its pretty cool that you found what describes that feeling.

[Asker]

It's pretty rare and it drives me crazy but in a great way.

[JPARRIS]

When you do feel that way, do you not attempt to pursue any kind of relationship when you do? In other words, what do you do about it?

[Asker]

Yes I do usually try but I've never had it where the person is married and also I believe they too are feeling the same vibe. So, I haven't made a move other than flirting back with him - like if he stares into my eyes I stare back.

[Teddy999]

Yea Im feeling this now well for the past few years this amazing deep intense feeling for someone and recently though his body language (constant eye contact, smiling, head tilting) I think he feels the same as I do, im not sure. He is now acting very nervous around me. We dont talk to each other apart from saying hello and he always runs of when sees me. Before he became very nervous around me we share this amazing eye contact and it didn't feel awkward.

[janeDoe99]

I wish😪. Every time I like someone, it usually turns into limerence and I never let them know that I like them, much less to the extent that I do. So, of course, I never know if they like me, which they probably don’t). Such is the case with my current LO. Every time I think he has glanced at me I’m on top of the world, but times like now I look back on it and realize it was likely coincidental. Odds are it’s not mutual.

[girlwonder]

All you have to ask is: "Have you ever been madly in love or infatuated with someone?"

Anyway, I think quite a few people have. It's life.

[Asker]

Neither term really fits the bill.

This is something a bit different.

This is where you feel as if you don't deserve TRUE L0VE so you keep your feelings hidden and you can physically become sick when seeing that person. This is when you get a "high" off anything this person does and you interpret and overanalyze everything the person says to you - usually looking for a positive reaction to keep the game (in your mind) going. It's rare the other person ever even knows about your secret longing!

[Anonymous]

so basically you're using big words to describe something everyone has experienced at one point or another in their life?

aka, saying a limerent object instead of a crush doesn't make you seem more intelligent, just more snobby. it's easy to quote text book terms btw...

[Asker]

Limerent is different than a crush!

[loveAXOXO]

Easy to quote but evidently difficult for most people to understand. Limerence and simply having a crush are two very distinct things.

[ILoveCefalu]

I've experienced limerence once before.

[Brando]

No. Have you?

[Asker]

Yup, right the hell now.

[Brando]

Explain

[Asker]

Nobody will EVER want me, as much as I want them. Nobody will feel as much for me, as I do for them.

Each relationship has testified this and I've drawn the conclusion that I am too much. "Too much" in the least desirable way possible.

When I was 15, my first partner said that (what I believed was) the loving, prolonged eye-contact we exchanged, made him feel "trapped." My second partner said something similar pertaining to the level of closeness I desired to have with him.

[Brando]

Perhaps you're coming off as too eager for attachment? And if you've only ever had two relationships, then its not really a big selection to base a judgment on. My advice is to not worry about labels or definitions such as Limerence. In your head, you will be constantly telling yourself to overcome this issue of not having mutual attraction with someone. It's an extra obstacle you don't need. I was the same way with my depression and feelings of social anxiety.

[Asker]

I think that's really good advice and I too have suffered depression and anxiety. I wonder why so many Limerent types do? Hm, interesting really.