What does it mean when a guy talks about a future with you, but still says things like "it's my life!"?

[concearnedlady]

When my boyfriend goes out with friends he never lets me know until he is walking out the door. it bothers me and makes feel like he doesn't respect me. I made a comment to him if he could maybe give me more notice so I could make plans. He took this as an order and said, "it is my life and I won't take orders." I definitely wasn't giving him orders! If that was the case why wouldn't I tell him to ask to go out?

[Sami86]

In my opinion, he talks about a future with you because he's very much into you if not in love with you. However he says things like "its my life" because he wants to maintain his independence. He's having issues with how to combine the two views. So when you ask him for a fair notice in advance to make your own plans, he probably felt like you're taking that independence away from him. I don't think he's disrespecting you on purpose because he doesn't see it that way; his actions just happen to be disrespectful even though he has no intention of hurting you. I hope this helps clarify things a bit.

[concearnedlady]

Yeah that helps alot! When I brought it up to him, he did not see it as disrespectful either. I can totally understand that because he has been that way his whole life. Thanks for you comments!

[CuriousEddie]

I agree with you... it would simply be courteous of him to tell you when he is going out. And I think it is right that he shows a lack of respect for you -- he is essentially telling you that he views his time as more valuable than yours.

With an attitude like that, I'd wonder if he acts this way in other areas with you. Does he ask your opinion on things? Does he listen to your concerns and show that he values and appreciates you in other areas?

I know this doesn't sound like much, but his flippant reply makes me wonder...

[concearnedlady]

He actually does show respect and concearn in other areas of our relationship. He asks my advice on issues. I do attend school and that is something respects but sometimes he doesn't respect the time that I have to put into school. I relate that to the fact he has never been to college and really doesn't understand how demanding it can be though.

But back to the original he does usually respect me in other areas. It seems like he just wants to hold on to some of his single life!!

[CuriousEddie]

That's good! I was really kinda worried that he was completely disrespectful in other ways, too.

It is interesting that you mention college, though. Sometimes it can cause problems when half of a couple goes to college and the other person doesn't... and it can seem to be worse for guys, particularly since it can lead to increased wages for the college-educated person.

But I don't want to sound like I'm looking for problems... it may be only that independent streak, like you mentioned.

[concearnedlady]

Yeah thanks for your comments. He actually wants me to go and is the main reason I went back! So it could all be harmless then huh?

[CuriousEddie]

Just curious... I came across this old Q&A... are you two still together?