Why is my ex acting like this? And how do I move on without being mean?

[Anonymous]

I am a teenager who is so confused. I fell in love for the first time a year ago. This boy had a player reputation and he had some drug issues. I tried to stay away but couldnt. We dated for 7 months and got extremely close. We were very close emotinally. He had a lot of issues with his home life and he always told me that I was the one good thing in his life that he could count on. He had problems with drugs that caused him to blow me off, stand me up for dates and jsut basically drop off the radar for a while. I tried to love him through that and let him make his own choices about his using. He had to quit for himself not me. After about 4 months of dating little things strted to happen. He would break plans with me to hang wtih his guy friends and other girls. He would sext other gilrs...etc. I tried to address these things when they happend without being mean or a bitch about them. I was at all his sport events and was a pretty laid back non clingy girlfriend. things got a little better, then towards the end he started lieing to me and breaking plans. After the breaking of plans and lies, he would follow with how much he loved me and how amazing I was. I fell for it all the time...I mean I loved him! I found out that he was hanging and texting with one of my best friends. She was going after him and he wasn't really stopping her. I finally made the painfull decision to walk away. I wasn't mean or ugly, I just simply said that it was obvious he wanted his freedom. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I really loved him, but couldn't handle being treated badly anymore. I have tried to be nice and supportive and be his friend. He now wants me back and says that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He is telliing me all of this while having a girlfriend. He has a freaking girlfriend and tells me he loves me like everyday. I told him that I wanted to be his friend and he said OK we will be best friends. He will text me before and after hanging out with his gilrfriend telling me he loved me. Last night he got really ugly and started acting mean after sending me a text telling me he loves me and I'm amazing! please help me becuase I do not understand why he is acting this way. He always text in the mornings telling me to have a good day. Of course today he didn't. I have chosen not tot text him, because I feel like he is playing games with me and I honestly don't know how to handle it anymore. I am trying to be nice and be his friend, because I hate being mean...but I feel like I'm being manipulated.

[beautifuldirtyrich]

Sweetie I'm going to be completely honest with you. I am going to talk to you like I would my own little sister.

I have been in your situation exactly. And do you know what I did? I stuck around. I tried to see it through. No matter what he did or how mean he was or what he said, he even slept with my best friend and I would take him back time and time again, just thinking and hoping that if I would just stay long enough that eventually he would see the light. He would get clean, not be with any other girls and we would live happily ever after!

There is only one word that I can say about what I did and what I thought...are you ready?

WRONG!

First and foremost, he has a drug problem. People with drug problems will always put their addiction first. No matter what. And you yourself made the statement that "he won't quit until HE wants too." Honey most of the time the few people who do get clean and come to live drug free lifestyles, do it because they got tired of living that hard life. And honey that kind of tired doesn't come when your young. At least not often. If you stay and he isn't ready? You will only get hurt and treated the same way, over and over. Probably worse each time.

Second, you have to get this " I don't want to mean :'(" mindset out of your head. Taking up for yourself and not tolerating someone elses inconsiderate actions is not in any way shape or form being mean. If your boyfriend is talking to other girls and standing you up on a regular basis you have every right to confront him in a harsh manner (really in any manner at all, bitchy or not.) because if all you do is say "oh why did you do that?", "you have really hurt my feelings!", "Oh OK, you promise you won't do it again? Well I believe you" you are making yourself look weak. People (especially men) misjudge kindness for weakness, and a lot of the time have no respect for it. Now I'm not telling you to go out and act all Rambo on someone but ...Honestly? If you don't take up for yourself who will? (But kudos for having the sense and enough judgement to walk away. I know how hard it was)

Third, another big piece of advice to follow now and for years to come "WHEN YOUR MAN REPEATEDLY TALKS TO OTHER WOMEN, LEAVE HIM!" Not only is he a drug addict but he is a player too. I believe you said you knew this before hand? If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck? Its a damn duck!

You made the comment how you fell for his "oh I love you, your the best," bullsh*t right? Well honey it was just that bullsh*t. He probably said that same excuse to all of the other girls that he was talking to at the same time he was you. And then you said " but I love him!" Baby I hate to tell you this but you don't know what love is. Not real love. Not yet anyways. Now I understand that you probably genuinely care about this boy and its breaking your heart. But sweetie let it go. Y is he acting like that? Because your letting him. Move on for you. Because he's not going to change.

[Asker]

thank you for you comments! and yes I am too nice for my own good. He has clearly taken advantage of my kindess and is clearly trying to manipulate me again! this may sound crazy but I feel sorry for his current girlfriend. She has no clue what all he says to me, and she herself has a lof of emotional problems. They are actually quite a pair. Thank you for the advice:)

[rosekitten]

I'm sure you can find someone better, being in love is an amazing thing, and you shouldn't get hurt constantly in a relationship, you should be able to work and compromise.

I had a dad with a drug problem, and he molested on me while he was high.

This guy has a drug problem, and let me tell you, men that do, have no sense of what life really is. My dad is 42, and is banned from seeing me for the rest of his life.

He would always cheat on my mom, and treat her like crap, taking her money, etc.

I suggest you find someone that won't hurt you, he's going to hurt you, and lie to you. In the end, his addiction will overpower, unless if he seriously truly wants to quit, and actually does, then something might change. However, my dad would be able to quit for 2 or 4 months at a time, then have the same problem.

This problem has cost him his life.

It's easier to move on to someone who doesn't do drugs, because you can find more peace.

If he does crack or meth, this is the worst.

If it's marijuana, he can quit far easier.

Celebrities and several millions of people can't quit.

[Asker]

thank you for sharing your expereince with me. Yeah addiction is so painfull to the people who are addicted and the ones that love them. Its a really helpless feeling to love someone who is addicted.

I am realizing that all the love in the world cannot make someone want to change. The only thing that can help is if they hit some sort of bottom with it. Thank you again and good luck

[rconnelly]

Hi, I'm really sorry that this guy's messed you about like this. I really hope he wasn't your first boyfriend and that you can eventually get over it.

This guy is basically scum! You are far too good for him. His drug problem will always cause him to make bad decisions and will just continue blowing you off! And the fact that he is talking and seeing other girls shows that he doesn't really love you at all, and you need to make sure you don't listen to it (which I know is hard because it's what you want to hear). I'm in love with my girlfriend right now and I would never do anything that would hurt her like he's hurt you.

You need to try and cut all contacts with him because if you don't you will never be able to move on.

Hope this helps, and I hope you find someone better like you deserve!

[Redheadedlady]

Totally agree!