Does she still love and care about me?

[Anonymous]

My ex girlfriend of 9 years broke up with me 8 months ago because I had chosen to focus more on med school. She couldn't understand the pressures I had and how much more of a commitment I had to make towards academics but I always reassured her that I still loved her and that I can only do what I can considering my situation. I also told her that I would understand if she did not want to be with me since it might not be fair for her to keep putting more into the relationship while I could not do as much because of school. (keep in mind, she also was doing her first year of med school and we lived 2.5 hours away from each other based on plane ride). After 2 months had passed from the break up she asked me if I wanted her back and I told her that I was too heartbroken by what she did since I REALLY didn't expect her to break up with me - I thought she would've considered all the things we had been through in 9 years and also have the consideration of my academic commitment as she was in med school too and should understand. I told her to try to move on and that I would try to get through my schooling and grieving on my own. She contacted me one last time a month after that, and asked me again, if I wanted her back - she still loved me and thought she made a mistake. I told her that I needed more time to think things through and that I still loved her but was still hurt. She asked how much time, and I told her I didn't know. The next day after that, I called her and told her I was ready to get back with her because I thought hard about it. She was confused and told me that she thought I was adament about not wanting to get back so quick. She then told me she would think about it and would give me her answer. A week passed and she told me that she had moved on and could not be with me because I caused her so much grief and pain by ignoring her and choosing to focus on school and my career.

I have been confused since because of the rapid turn around with her decision when she was literally asking me back one day and the next day not so excited about my decision to take her back. She has been ignoring my calls, texts and emails, but sometimes will rarely respond to my texts and would tell me that she "wants her space and asks that I respect that and that she is still very angry with me". This has been going on for 2 to 3 months now. Even though she is ignoring me, she knows I still talk to her cousin (we are friends and it was her cousin who actually introduced us to each other) but asks her cousin about me and how I am doing.

Does she still care about me even though she ignores me and rarely responds? If she wonders about me, why not ask me directly rather than go to her cousin. I can't understand how 9 years can be ignored and think that she doesn't love me or have feelings for me anymore. She isn't giving me answers. I still love the girl and want to be with her. How do I get her back? Any expert opinions? Thanks group, I appreciate your help.

Updates

+1 y

any opinions from the ladies' perspective? I'm sorry my story isn't saucy haha

Updates

+1 y

I've moved on from her. Thank you guys for all you're advice and words of encouragement. I'm focusing on my career and looking forward. With that being said, anyone wanna marry a future doctor? ha ha j/k :p

[SoShimie]

Well truth to be told, I think maybe the "fire" or passion or whateer may be gone from herheart or whatnot... BUT on te bright side maybe this will work..

If you haven't seen her recently, maybe that's why? I mean, they say that love grows in absence or whatever that random BS is but really, when I don't see someone for a while, the emotions I had toward them fade because I don't SEE them.

sure, I'll talk to them, but it isn't the same as talking to them face-to-face.

when you have time, try and pay her a surprise visit and take her out for a night and it might change her mind.

just choose ONE day not to think about your grades or school and focus COMPLETELY on her.

make her feel like she's the only one, the only thing you think of. it'll make her feel special.

and also, remind yourself and HER as well its NINE years you two have spent together.

but NEVER forget that woman ALWAYS need love and attention.

i understand academics is important too, it's really important to me as well. but if you really want to keep her, grab her and hold on tight, academics, you can try again and make up for it somewhat, but once a girl is gone, she's gone.

SHOW HER HOW MUCH YOU CARE.

dont just text and call and email, the receiver can find it quite annoying if you just pester them. eventually, they'll just stop reading whatever you sent and just delete them. believe me, I know.

i hope this helps and I hope your 9 year relationship will turn out to be even longer[:

[DishLady]

DO NOT get back together with this girl. She's a gold-digger who will dump you again at the earliest opportunity. Looks like the realization that "MD=$" kicked in at some point; she's trying to play on your feelings of anxiety.

Anxiety is very common among med students and only increases as you strive to pass all your licensing exams, get through residency, secure a fellowship, open your own practice, move up in the ranks, etc., etc. A **LOT** of girls will be playing you for what they will perceive to be a life of comfort, only to be disillusioned by your absenteeism at social functions, your preoccupation with certain patients, etc. You're becoming a public servant -- like a cop or firefighter -- and will be paged for emergencies and so forth. Wait till you finish med school to find a girl who likes you for you and isn't trying to bait a star on the rise.

Sorry if that's too direct. Several people in my family are doctors and -- whether guys or gals -- have all had to face this issue. You've chosen a challenging profession and deserve to be happy in life. Just keep your eyes open where relationships are concerned...

[DishLady]

"Down" vote -- I know, and I don't like the answer either. Sometimes the truth is just not all sunshine and rainbows.

[EveAlley]

Just read your question and I'm glad you figured out whats best for you. I'm in an 8 year relationship and my boyfriend is in med school. I could really use some insight, could you pm me?

Thanks :-)

[ryanrhino]

It's great that you want to work things out, man, and I applaud you for that on behalf of all of the committed guys out here!

She is allowed to have conflicting emotions, right? It sounds like you both care for each other, in spite of all of the pain. She is not ignoring the 9 years and nor are you. There are tough times when you get to know someone so deeply. You will always love each other in some form.

However, with that being said, you are doing right in focusing on what makes you happy...or at least what WILL make you happy.

Have you considered writing her a letter? I mean a long letter that takes a week to write? What would you do to show your affection for her before? Don't look desperate, but treat her with respect and how you want to be treated.

She's having mood swings because of conversations she's having with different people. She's heeding their advice, but it's not meant to hurt you.

There is so much pain, yet so much joy between the two of you.

You'll figure this one out. Just do the honorable things and you won't regret what you will do going forward.

I wish you both the best.

[Asker]

Thanks for your support I really appeciate it. I actually wrote her a long email but she hasn't responded. I've been trying over and over every month but no response in return except for the rare text about havng space and being angry. I don't feel desperate, I just know that I'm deeply in love and she's my best friend whom I don't want to lose regardless of what happens. Of course, I want her back though. Things ended over phone across states, but if I saw her I feel things would change.

[ryanrhino]

It's awesome that you said you still think she is your best friend! That is the main indicator I look for when truly understanding how much one loves his or her partner. It is difficult to be patient, but make sure you're doing things that make you happy. Of course, you're going to want to be there for her, which makes you happy, but be sure to find things to occupy your time, like being with friends, playing games, watching movies, listening to music and reconnecting with those closes to you

[Asker]

I do feel she is my best friend. We went through high school together and through college as well. If you think about it, she has shared practically over 1/3 of my lifetime. So my entire family and friends know her. Her friends are my friends and my friends are hers. We did almost everything together and so whatever I do, she's still in my mind. I'm productive still, and I'm still successful. Just not happy because I don't have my best friend to share success with. I agree w/you, patience is key.

[NicholasHalden]

She still has feelings but that feeling will disappear. Try progressing onward away from her.

[Asker]

I've tried dating over and over but it just won't work. I've been keeping busy with school, (trust me, school keeps me VERY busy and keeps my mind off a lot), going out with friends and overall being productive, but I can't seem to get her out of my mind still. I wonder about her a lot, and I know I care and that she does too. You say she has feelings still, but what makes you think that it will disappear? You think there is anyway we can save what we had? Thanks for your honest advice.

[NicholasHalden]

Feelings in all end actually disappear with time. My formal girlfriend and I were madly in love and we had the same sentimental feelings but as she grew away from me, she distanced herself and told me she just "Still had feelings for me but not the relationship type" and most girls do have that feeling for their formal and current boyfriends. I wonder about my ex a lot and I still love her but she has no sentiments to my emotions. We, men, hold onto compassion for them but they progress further.

[valvade]

DO NOT get back together with this girl.. She is TROUBLE