Loners, what's on your mind?

[Anonymous]

There's this guy who seems very quiet and shy. He claims he's a loner and scares people away. What is that supposed to mean? That when he gets needy, people take it the wrong way and abandon him, or is he mentally ill or something? I want to know what's on his mind, but he closes up and backs away.

He asked to hang out, and I said, "Let me think about it", and before I gave him my answer, he changed his mind. Why is he acting this way? It makes me feel like I'm being played and I want to stop trying, while another side of me wants to give him a chance.

Updates

+1 y

I was about to set up a meeting, but was immediately turned off when he purposely tried to push my buttons. He said that I made him feel less than (which no one can make you feel anything, only you can) and said he wanted to put me down for it. He may or may not be a loner because of his lack of social skills, but that sure is mean. Two wrongs don't make a right. I like when people are able to admit to not being fond of themselves, and not consistently put the blame on others.

[DoggyDude]

Its impossible to know whether he's been clever / cunning or just being himself until you spend enough time together (the reason it is always possible to be a player... just to be clear I hate players).

Just decide what you think of him based on what you know now, good or bad. If its good, then give him that chance. Get to know him, but be quietly cautious. Don't take him at face value on any level, just take in what he says and enjoy doing things together. If you find your not liking him, move on before he falls for you. If you find your really digging him, back off a bit until your sure who he is. If he goes on about how he scares people away, explain gently that he will scare you away as a friend if he doesn't stop obsessing about such things and just enjoy your company.

Only do that if you like him.

Attractive loners are rare, so rare they are pretty much mythical. If he is highly handsome and a loner, its unlikely you have found the speck of gold. Though the possibility is always tantilising enough for a player to utilise.

If he's pretty plain and not all that special, he's probably a true loner.

A true loner will keep away from people and do their own geeky thing. Usually though, a true loner won't harp on about how they push people away. They will usually sub-vocalise it in the way they act, like saying "do you want to go out with me".. then before you've had chance to think assume your going to say no and say.. "not that you would want to" or some other "make it sound like I didn't really ask" kind of thing.

Hes telling you he's scaring people away. That makes me personally suspicious. If your afraid to scare people away, you don't tell them your afraid of that. Though he might just be young.

Everyone whos a decient person is afraid of getting hurt or hurting someone else. Its just natural if you care. Loners try to avoid pain by avoiding people. All they are thinking is "what shall I do" and avoiding choices which involve risk of rejection.

So in summary, only thing which sperates a loner from an extrovert is a willingness to take risks (or a feeling that there is no risk).

[Asker]

Exactly. I think he wants me to pity him, but I'm interested already. I came up to him first. I don't believe what he says. I'm afraid of him falling hard for me. I'm keeping him at arms length. Yes, I find him very sexy to the point I can picture being physical with him (kiss, hug) but I don't want to find out he's a jerk and was using me (he thinks he's ugly). I just remembered I told him I scare people away so he must've wanted to be honest with me, too. Thanks for that. I learned a lot!

[DoggyDude]

Well, I hope he's one of the good ones whos genuinely shy and looking for someone to love :).

[Asker]

Me too. I'll definitely keep you guys posted!

[DoggyDude]

Sad outcome but glad he showed his colours early. Good people show through time =).

[Asker]

Yeah, I was hoping he'd turn out differently. Oh well, more fish in the sea =)

[DoggyDude]

Yeh ^^ :). Also, its good you found about things early on before your feelings got involved, there's nothing worse than falling for someone whos really bad for you.

[Asker]

Yeah, been there done that so I'm being extra careful now =) He reminded me of my recent ex with all these wonderful words he would say, but in reality were just bull. He made himself look too perfect and there's something fishy about that.

[DoggyDude]

Agreed. Strangely there's a perfection in having just the right amount of flaws (and in a good way).

[Anonymous]

He probably thinks you're playing games with him. By choice I have no girlfriend or friends, but if I wanted them I could easily have them. Some people stay alone because they're afraid of rejection or the real world. Or because they like being alone or are just quiet by nature. Some people are afraid of connecting with others, and still more don't know how.

I stay away from people because I know what I am. People are only hurt by being associated with me, because I'm just not good at relating to others. So the people that do foolishly try to care about me end up being hurt by that darkness in me. The religious people I lived with thought it was demonic. It's why my parents split up, and it's why some crazy woman molested me when I was young. It's why even my own parents said they don't know how to love me. Some people just don't have those qualities to be loved.

So it would be inconsiderate to hurt other people by burdening them further. There's something to be said for suffering in silence. And once you realize your own pain can be explained, that you truly deserve it, that it's just weakness and a disgusting sense of self-pity well that's how you get through life.

[Asker]

I'm sorry that happened. It makes me mad hearing how screwed up people can mess with our lives like that, take our innocence away. How people think they have the right to violate others AND laugh is beyond me. I, myself, am a survivor of abuse. It took a lot to not see the world as a wicked place. Most parents don't know what's it's like to be exemplary. Forgive them because they were wrong. I had an ex who was a loner. I loved him, but he preferred to be alone or hang with the bad crowd.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't blame them for what happened. I'd have to conclude that it's everyone's fault but mine that people see something irredeemable in me. Which is the logic of a child.

[Asker]

I don't think you should blame yourself since as a child, you didn't know any better.

[karla1527]

There's nothing much I can say that hasn't already been said already. But as a personal experience, loners are quite self-centered, usually with low self-esteem and little or none desire to human contact or company. They live mostly inside of their mind, with TONS of stuff wandering around his head, could be foolish or deep stuff, depends from person to person.

I often find myself having the most interesting and fun conversations with people on my mind lol, but never able to recreate them physically, way too afraid of rejection. Which leads me to the last part, once a loner is rejected, it is really hard for them to "trust" that person again, rejection is like kryptonyte to us, that's almost why we don't hang out with much people or people at all. He must've had an internal fight in order to ask you out, and you rejecting him makes all his efforts less than Sh*t.

I can say that once I'm rejected, I shelter even more agains that person, and trust ain't gonna happen again, but that's just me...

[Asker]

Thank you for your answer. I will keep that in mind. I hate rejection, too, and sometimes withdraw but other times, I keep hoping that things will be OK if I go with the flow and try not to push for anything to happen. There was a time when I cancelled on my first date with my ex because I was worried if he would like me, and if he did, would I like him? It was too much of that in my head, and luckily he kept trying with me and one day I caved in. So I'll give it time and see what happens.

[toulouse]

did you ask him what he meant by I scare people away- you could start with that.

[Asker]

He said it was because of his looks. He finds himself ugly =(

[toulouse]

ohh is he?

[Asker]

From what he said, girls don't think he's cute, but I'm not every other girl and I did! I even told him.

[toulouse]

ok that's nice. what did he say when he changed his mind? his exact words?

[Asker]

"It seems like you don't want to."

[Asker]

"It seems like you didn't want to." I told him I didn't say that but he avoided it completely.

[SirNetra]

Its possible he is attempting to follow some dating advice and is trying not to seem desperate in order to keep you attracted or something along those lines. I mean us loners are usually not exactly all that great at social interaction let alone attracting you women. There is advice floating around that promotes such behavior in certain ways as a means of hooking a woman. He might not actually be bitter like that, it could be just a thing where he is attempt follow such advice, obviously though I don't know him so couldn't say for sure.

[Asker]

Thanks anyway. After he purposely pushed my buttons, we haven't talked. It hurt because we talked twice a week for a month, and I was getting accustomed to it. This happened 2 months ago. I also realized I was attracted to him because he reminded me of my ex (facial-wise and word-wise) :-\ so I wouldn't be appreciating him because in my mind, I would picture my ex.

[Anonymous]

"Let me think about it" probably sound more like "uhh not really but I want to be nice when I reject you" to him. I'm not sure how you feel like you are being played, but I'm not in your shoes. Pick one of those sides that you mentioned and go forth with it. Either leave or move forward with the relationship whether it be dating or just friends. He's a loner because he doesn't feel like he can relate most others and he probably doesn't trust them to get in close.

[Asker]

I know, I felt bad because I wanted to see him. I'm a bit of a loner, too, so it's hard to think there are well-intentioned people out there. Played in the sense that he mentions something and takes it back like he is unsure of himself and because he is not the first guy that has reacted this way. It's like if someone were to say they like you one minute and take it back the next. Like someone who could show they don't care or act unaffected by it. Thanks for your answer.

[Thiezz]

He's not a loner, he's just shy and a little bitter.

When you asked to think about it, he figured you weren't really interested and gave up. It seems to me he's not so much a player as he is suffering from low self-esteem. Try and find someone a little more sane if you want to date.

[Asker]

Yeah, bitter is the word, but don't players have low self-esteem, too? I will. Thanks for the advice.

[MyNameIsJonas]

The fact that you said " let me think about it " would lead him to believe your like everyone else. People who shy away from society feel misunderstood or have had bad experiences in society.

[Asker]

I've had bad experiences, also. My best friend slept with a guy I was seeing, and never told me. She was secretive yet wanted to know everything about me. Also, I had a feeling my last boyfriend was hiding something. He didn't introduce me to his friend until a year later, and I found out his friend was gay. He didn't tell me until I confronted him! I have no problem with gay people but it was off-putting when he checked out my ex. I didn't know what to think; what my ex was doing with him alone.

[MyNameIsJonas]

Hmm. Listen have a real talk with this person. Level with him and ask if you can both take each other at face value. No games. If you both agree I think it be a lot more productive for the both of you.

[Asker]

Thanks, I hate revealing touchy subjects like this to a guy so soon because he can use it against me, but I'll try.

[MikeK]

Exactly - NO GAMES! These "loners" are usually genuine, good people who are f***ing sick of the social games people play against one another. Do like the answerer said and level with him.

[Asker]

Ok MikeK, I hope you're right.

[hmmmblablabla]

Maybe he got picked on a lot when he was younger so he feels like he should keep to him self so that no one bothers him. He mite think that your going to hurt his feelings somehow.

[Shaun]

How are you being played? He asked you out, you stalled, he withdrew.

[Asker]

Just because I stalled didn't mean I didn't want to. He backed out without giving me a chance to speak for myself. Doe this mean I have to ask him out now?

[Shaun]

I'd say yes, it's your turn to show interest.