Is my best friend sending romantic signals while in a long-term relationship?

[ipickupcats]

tldr: Best friend of ~9 years said she loves me when I visited her in Florida around Christmas. She's in a 4+ year LTR but messages me "I miss you" occasionally now. I don't know what to do.

My bsf Jenny and I met working at HotTopic. We're anime nerds, gamers, with the same style. About 5 years ago I moved across the country, so we stopped talking as much and kept chatting over Snapchat.

I've never thought of her romantically. I struggle with mental health and have never dated anyone. She has dating experience and guys chasing her. She's amazing, but we seem incompatible.

When I visited, she had just gotten back with her partner. They'd been fighting: he wants kids, she wants marriage but believes she can't have kids due to health issues. He's insecure, and I can't imagine her saying I love you to me in front of him, platonic or not.

She first said I love you as I was leaving her work. I didn't respond. Maybe she was trying to cheer me up. The next day they made dinner, we watched a movie, and I built her a computer. While we were all stoned, she started talking about a date we never went on and having sex with a guy wearing a black collared shirt (I was wearing one), which also never happened, in front of her partner.

The next day she told me she'd spent 3 hours reassuring her partner she wasn't leaving him after I left. I was overwhelmed and wanted to go home. On my last day she texted that she'd called in sick, so I left after wishing her well. We didn't talk for 3 months until she messaged that she missed me.

Last month I told her why I struggle to respond to affection, which I'm working on in therapy. I told her I love her, but she responded, "I want all my friends to feel loved." I'm more confused now. I've never had friends say I love you or lie to their partner about us having sex. I've never been in a relationship to know how to talk about this. I'm happy alone, and I'd be happy spending time with her, but I can't handle the confusion.

[Laws-Of-Existence]

She's fighting with her partner. Enough said.

That doesn't mean that you should dumbfuckingly shut her down nor dick her down. You are doing good by asking this.

When people have chronic mental meltdowns (all who fight at home do) they're no more sensible than chronic weed eaters. They're under chronic stress and shit. Health problems multiply the relationship stress, her brain doesn't work at her baseline at any day of the week.

There's no such flip of switch "romantic signals" vs "platonic friends" going on. It's neither of those. She is in fact fantasizing about you but that doesn't mean she wants to marry you either. Her brain is currently a clusterfuck. If she fucks you, she might end up accusing you of raping her. If you spend platonic time with her she likely will end up wanting to and trying to fuck you. Doesn't mean you are compatible as partners. But probably more compatible than her current one, it's a mystery why he hasn't ditched her if he wants children. ㅤ

[melnc]

Just don't feed into it. act like nothing happened. she's confused as hell herself and she's using you as her emotional safe zone.


what i mean is her relationship with her partner is a mess and it's messing with her head. she's basically living in two different worlds right now.


yeah the whole situation is confusing af but you don't owe her an explanation. you don't gotta spell out your intentions or explain yourself.


she's not actually into you like that. she's just emotionally all over the place.

[SueShe]

Your best (and only) option is to remain neutral and not to actively pursue this matter with her. People always say "I love you" without even giving a thought about those 3 words.

Leaving in the morning for work, the "I love you" habit kicks in. Coming in the evening to the family or spous, the "I love you" again is spoken without even thinking of the meaning of those words that are spoken by sheer habit just like "bless you" when someone sneezes. Nobody has ever given a second though about what "bless you" actually means.

Ignore those romantic signals for as long as she is in a LDR relation and that she is not officially separated from her boyfriend.

[Nikki1989]

If you are wise, you will keep your distance.

[Staximus]

“I don’t know what to do” “I struggle with mental health” “I was overwhelmed” “ I struggle to respond to affection” “ I can’t handle the confusion" Honestly you sound mentally weak as fuck and need to learn how to think and act like a man. Not like a helpless little bitch boy.

[Iron_Man]

This is a real tough one. I don’t know what she means by I love you. Maybe it’s like a brother

[Anonymous]

She was stoned when she said a lot of it. Don't analyse it. Just don't get involved with her.

[Mark_Est]

Men and women can't be friends. It isn't normal.