My boyfriend is confusing me...please help!

[Anonymous]

We have been together 5 years, sometimes we have rough patches which everyone goes through. Right now we are a bit rocky. He confessed that I am "smothering" him which I was not aware of. We live together, have for a few years and when were not together we usually text. So he said to just back off a bit. So I said OK, of course I don't want to be the girlfriend who smothers their boyfriend. I had no intentions of doing so. So I decided that I shouldn't text him through the day, say goodbye in the morning and wait till the evening to say what I wanna say...well now he is the one constantly texting me now. I'm trying to give him space, and he's not letting me do so lol what is going on?

[toulouse]

I have a question.

How does one person get to the point of being able to do something very bothersome to the other person-mored than once- when there is good, clear, respectful, communication? They cant.

He didn't say anything to you all along& suddenly he insults you, for doing what has to this point been normal.unless you're leaving something out.

Now he's smothering u, by his own definition, but he sees that as perfectly acceptable, because he the only opinion here that counts.

I think, you should point out he's a hypcrite & he's clearly got other issues going on & he's using you as a scaegoat. or he's a clingy little baby whos uncomfortable with that, so he's projecting.

hes the one complaining insulting & not being consistent. why should you cater to him, & what do you mean, let I'm test her. are you in furst grade or something.

At the very least, just be honest with him, & yourself.

ASK, him specifically what he means when he says he wants space.

Have a discussion, come to an agreement. Then stick to it.

If he has a problem with that he can communicate that. With you. Concretely. Using words.

hes purposefully leaving everything abstract, so that he can arbitrarily make you new rules whenever he wants, with absolutely no consequence. As of now, he's breaking the conditions, he made you agree to. So form an actual mutual agreement.

He needs to be held accountable for what he does., Right now, he's reserving the right, to not communicate. get mad whenever he wants, then not even follow through on his own assertions.

Youre letting him manipulate you.

This stuff gets worse the more you let it slide. I'd set it straight _now_.

And tell him, if he has a problem to communicate it to you, respectfully., You don't tell someone you're with to 'back off' What is he 6 years old?

You are not 'a girlfriend who is clingy, or not clingy.

You are a particular person, in a particular relationship with a particular person. With whom you may or may not have problems with.

Every relationship is different& has its own needs. You don't exist solely, as a girlfriend. You're a complete person. Talk to him as such. Not as his appendage. Seriously have an actual discussion.

If someone randomly, told me to back off a bit ( for doing something _we_ always do) didn't bother to explain it. I would back way the f*** off. To ex gfville.

[Asker]

I am a talker, I feel like he is my best friend so I go to him with everything. He said to me that we live together and see and talk all the time, and that sometimes he wants to talk to other people instead of just me. As soon as I leave home, were texting and he's basically saying that while we are apart for a work day, then we should distance ourselves more. I guess when it comes down to it, he's getting sick of me. Maybe us spacing it out will make him more excited to see me like before.

[toulouse]

Do you have other people to talk to?

I think boyfriend. girlfriend. whoever if your only have one person & one of you is a talk alot, & the other talks less, its going to be stressful.

ive been in situations where the guy was always wanting to talk & it was a lot of pressure I wasn't sick of him, it was just too much.

I think texting is not good for actual talking. don't text. just talk at home. and when he texts tell him you think you guys should limit texting to passing info,& talk only when your in person.

[Asker]

I think that's his point, he wants to wait till were in person to speak. Which is fine, but once I started giving him his "space" and not texting him anymore...he was/is msging me. So I was just confused on his actions.

[toulouse]

Well, I still think he's trying to control you. That's why I'm saying _tell_ him you guyd should reserve texting for emergencies. So it is clear, you are BOTH making a decision, its not him telling you what to do.His texting is giving you a very good opportunity.

He told you what he wanted., you're OK with it. So set it up & stick to it.

Why he's texting you. as a test, perhaps. its important you guys have a plan, that way he has to tell you when he deviates from it. instead of you having to 'guess'.

[R3alGuy]

Ahhh...I remember this.

First; Be cautious but be smart. When I went through this situation I told my girlfriend (ex) that I needed space, even though I LOVEED her, I ADORED her, and I we texted/called each other everyday non-stop and had no problem, but it got to the point where my guy friends were joking on me about always contacting her, and not wanting to 'be with the guys' because I wanted to be with her. SO listening to them I was like "Yeah your right, Imma MAN I need why space!" And told her that, she was obviously confused and was just like okay. I'm thinking she was going to beg not to, and want me to still talk to her, which would of been a good way for me to be even more dominant, but she just said OKAY. I'm like woah! Lol. So she gave me the space, and the times I wasn't talking to her I'm thinking, what if she's talking to someone else :( Or another guy is making a move on her while were 'giving space.' I was freaking out and contacted her even more, mentally not wanting to but emotionally I did.

So my advice, to be the best girlfriend, let him know you'll miss him, and be cute about it, reminding him once you finally do talk that you were thinking about him. And when he contacts you, let him know your doing something, but don't ignore him, then after a couple of hours or so contact him first and then he'll be happy to see you contacting him. It brings you guys closer and still allows him to 'gain his manhood' You have to work with him because the start of this is going to be hard for him. But once both of you get accustomed everything will work out! Don't be confused. Just ask if any further questions!

[Asker]

Great advice! When he does text me, I don't ignore. I just thought it was funny how he wanted his space through the day but then ended up doing what he doesn't want me to do lol So I guess I'll just continue to back off a bit, and let him come to me

[R3alGuy]

No problem! Here to help! And yeah it is funny, when I went through this I felt like such an idiot for asking for space. And that's what you do it'll work :)

[mrallen]

I've done that before, lol. I once felt like I needed space and asked my ex for that, and when she did, I realized that I was used to us being in touch all the time. I wouldn't point it out to him--just let him realize it on his own and let him keep testing you. The thing that may have made him feel like that is that sometimes guys feel conversations go too long. If something seems to have resolved itself, there doesn't always need to be a continuous last word, innumerable "ok"s and "so what's up"s. Keep letting him initiate the conversations for a bit and do what you've been doing, and I'm sure he'll feel like he has his space back.