Girl showing initiative: cool or desperate?

[Anonymous]

I hear a lot of split views from guys and girls regarding who should show that first "initiative." So what is your take, guys? If a girl shows initiative or interest in you, do you take it as hot or desperate? And what would be some ways a girl can show interest that are not creepy/desperate, like where would you draw the line? If she makes it so easy for you though by showing interest, wouldn't you lose interest because you are not "chasing" her anymore? Any and all opinions welcome :)

PS. I am asking because there is this guy I like who seemed interested in me, and so I tried to show initiative/interest, and I honestly think that made him less interested and pull back because he didn't really have to "fight for me" anymore.

[kholland65]

90% of guys in the 21st century, don't mind a girl who takes initiative and of those 90%, most think its a breath of fresh air. It's a lot of work being the hunter all the time in the dating game, having a girl makes the moves gives us a break and makes us feel good that someone likes us enough to make the first move.

There is still a right and wrong way to do it. Obviously if you are texting and calling him 100x a day, wanting to know his every move, not giving him an inch of space for more than 5sec when you guys just met, etc. is going to creep him out. Basically use common sense. For most guys, its takes some really excessive behavior to make you seem creepy. Just to give you an example, a girl who is a friend of mine has recently begun liking another buddy of mine. Even though he isn't completely repulsed by her, he is turned off by her clingyness. She texts him like 500x times a day (not kidding), hangs out with him every moment of the day, attempts to sleep in his bed every single night, even when he has to wake up at 4am for work, and she constantly pesters him about why he doesn't like her. So yes, she has crossed the line in to the creeper territory. Again, let me remind you, they are not currently dating.

There is one thing I didn't cover. And that is the 10% of guys who don't like a girl who takes initiative. Those guys are the "players". Players like a game, no surprise there. They think its fun gaming a girl so when she presents no challenge, its not fun for him. To a player, the fun is in the game, not actually getting or being with the girl. This is why they lose interest in women fast, because being in a relationship isn't what's fun for them, its chasing girls. However, the numbers seem slanted because these are typically the guys that seem the most attractive, enough so, that they warrant aggressive behavior on the part of the girl. She ultimately gets her feelings hurt when after making her move, he runs away, perpetuating the idea that guys do not like it when a girl takes initiative, when in actuality this is further from the truth.

Times have changed. Guys will not judge a girl if she takes initiative. As long as she is classy about it and doesn't get overally sexual, as long as she doesn't completely smother him, and as long as she isn't also chasing after 5 other guys, then its fine.

[Asker]

thank you so much for such a detailed and well-written reply! It definitely shed some light on a few things for me, so thank you for that! :)

[OpenClose]

I was going to take the time to write a long, detailed answer. But then I saw this and said "f*** it"

[OpenClose]

There seems to be quite a big deal about taking on gender roles when initiating a relationship. But really, if you're trying to show off your masculine or feminine nature, I'd say hold off on those gender roles until AFTER interest has been clearly stated.

In most cases, I don't think people care about the roles at first, or I don't think they should care. The most important part is just stating your interest and finding out of the recipient is also interested. You have to establish a connection before you can even get any communication going!

So yeah, please feel free to make a move, and encourage others to do the same. When everyone is making moves on each other, things will get more chill. Guys won't feel so obligated and stressed to make a move, and women will be far less swarmed with unwanted attention.

In basically all of my relationships, the girl initiated something. Usually it was a friend of theirs coming up to me asking "so what do you think of such and such". But in other cases, girls have pretty blatantly hit on me.

And trust me, it IS appreciated. You have to make a strong effort for me to be creeped out by it. And I never find it "unfeminine". I think those are just rumors, or they are coming from men who just want to date for status. Either way, it's total BS, and you should feel free to give it a try.

[Asker]

thanks for the tips, appreciate the detailed reply :)

[heartTime]

I'm in a very similar situation right now.. I noticed that a guy showed interest..like staring at me and keeping eye contact. So I took the initiative and said 'hi' to him the next day I saw him... he said 'hi' back but was very cold. Then I started to ignore him and he began to stare again :D

So I would suggest you ignore him for one or 2 days and see how he acts now. If he still doesn't show interest forget him, but if he stares at you and tries to keep eye contact you can take the initiative and talk to him :) Good luck ! I'll keep my fingers crossed :)

[Asker]

haha thanks, good luck to you too! :)

[tswayd]

I think it is possible for girls to approach guys but I think in order for you to pull it off successfully you can't make it seem awkward or desperate. I think in order for it to work splendidly you have to be heartfelt and mature about it. A good example I can think of right now is when the lady asked out John Nash to dinner in the movie "A Beautiful Mind". It was sweet and moving, even romantic. It wasn't clingy or anxious but sincere, heartfelt, and feminine. This movie I saw while I'm here in Beijing shows a woman pursuing a man. It's called Painted Skin Two in English and it also shows how a beautiful woman can succesfully pursue a male. It is very romantic and I like it. So my bottom line is go for it and I suggest being mature and feminine about it.

[Asker]

thanks for the reply, I need to watch those movies :) hehe

[tswayd]

thanks I recommend them. I'm Chinese but I've lived in America all my life. Now that I'm visiting for an extended time I had no idea China had all these beautiful actresses. Hope you find someone and you both will be very happy.

[Symorg]

Show initiative. Do it. Boys want to play games, men want to know a woman is interested.

[Asker]

Awesome post, thanks! I guess I have been dealing with silly boys so far, need to find me a real man ;)

[aditya03]

its neither hot nor desperate

its just normal

why can't a girl take initiative?

some guys have this thing that girls shouldn't take initiative

some dont

[Anonymous]

It's very cool to show initiative, shows she doesn't care about "rules" and goes for what she wants.