What should I do about my crush?

[Anonymous]

I've liked this one guy for about three months now, and he's just the most amazing person I've ever met. He was the first major crush I've ever had, and I would get sweaty palms, butterflies, pounding heart, etc. Now I'm more comfortable around him, as we are friends. The problem is I fall into and out of depression. I don't know if it's normal, but when I develop a crush on someone, I get really depressed. I guess it's because I know that I won't ever have a chance. It makes me feel really bad. My self esteem takes a nose dive, and I'm even ashamed to show my face to him because I think I look ugly. Even emotionally, I think he is such a wonderful person and so much better than me, and I think I'm just an emotionally unstable nut case(since I fall in and out of this constant depression), and I'm just a weird, socially awkward person with a terrible personality. I've never really had that many friends anyway, and I'm not very good at making new ones. Also, I often get so upset I break down and start crying. I don't intend to tell him or ask him out because he already knows and isn't interested.

What I want to know is why does he make me feel so bad about myself even though he doesn't do anything? Is this normal? What should I do? Am I in love?

[KatyGR]

Oh, darlin'. Your question just tossed me right back into the hell of adolescence and high school and mad insecurity and unrequited crushes. And I'm in my late 20's, lol - - I've been done with that scene for about 10 years, yet your description hit home to me. Rest assured that it DOES get better.

It sounds to me like the sweaty palms, butterflies, etc. are normal. You like someone and your body kind of goes into overdrive when you're around him - that's how it goes. This stuff lessens as you get older and as you get more experience with men. A lot of girls - most, in fact - have severe body issues as teenagers, evidenced by the extreme amount of eating disorders, self-mutilation, and general disdain for their appearances. Of course, those things are serious and need psychiatric help, but the commonality of those problems indicates that you're not alone.

But it doesn't make it okay. Have you considered going to see a counselor? Not at your school, but I was in an art therapy group for a couple months in 9th grade. (Basically, I'd go and do an art project with other girls and two therapists, and then after the art, we would talk about things. The projects made for a good way to ease into having to share whatever I was going through.) I had severe self-esteem problems and had actually decided that suicide was the answer. My mom forced me to go to this group, and later to individual therapy, and I think it literally saved my life. Of course, you're not this far down the road, but depression is common. So if you haven't already talked to a doctor or counselor or teacher - some adult who you trust and who you think would point you in the right direction - try that. Its hard to be a teenaged girl, and when you're not the belle of the ball it's harder. (I know.)

Believe it or not, you're likely to look back on pictures taken now and think you are cute, precious, lovely. Chances are very good that you're average looking, at least.

A couple of things really helped me when I was in your shoes. I read "Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher, PhD. She talks about the problems teenage girls face and gives a ton of case studies. It helped me to know that I was absolutely not alone, but more importantly, that splendid women like Eleanor Roosevelt were rejected by their peers in adolescence. But in that space of rejection, they were able to become the uniquely wonderful world-changing women they are. Girls who are popular face incredible peer pressure to conform lest they become outcasts, but girls who don't have this pressure are free to become their truest selves. It ain't fun, but there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

Another thing that helped me was focusing on college. Grades, scholarships, visiting campuses - keep yourself focused on how your unique talents can best change the world, and how you're going to do it. For me, high school was a sea of loneliness but college was fantastic.

Best of luck, hon.

[KatyGR]

Another thing that helped a lot was getting a part-time job. Mine was bagging groceries, but anything will do. It gets you around other kids your age who don't go to school with you, gives you another circle to excel in.

[Reeses-pieces777]

you don't necessarily have bipolar if you are depressed ( ijust wanted to make this clear because TF was kinda mentioning it but over all his answer is very cute and accurate). But I think to prevent depression you should try to be positive. and focus on the positive things in life.

Why do you have a tendency to be depressed when you have a crush on someone? You shouldn't be so harsh on yourself. In terms of low self esteem, the first step is recognizing that you have an issue with that. you can work on things that you find flaw in but don't be so hard on yourself about the matter.

you should focus on the things that are good about you-everyone has good qualities-make that light in your life become larger and metaphorically speaking, it is the positive thing sin your life. I had this issue for a while way back when I broke up with my previous ex. but it was easier for me to get over him since he was a jerk

personality is something you can work on as well. what are the things that make you awkward? if it helps, write them down. make new friends who will help you out and help you out. it isn't impossible to do and make sure you dont' put yourself down - since I see your tendency to be low on yourself - encourage yourself with each step and progress no matter how small it may seem.

also it's healthy to cry. there's nothing wrong with it, but dont' let that depression take over your life. and btw, does he actively put you down? is that way you feel bad? or is it more a self esteem issue? if it's a self esteem issue, dont' blame him for it. look at yourself and fix what you dont' like and move forward. dissing yourself isn't going to change things. for me, when I'm down, I get back up quick and move forward. I guess in highschool I used to be quiet but I'm a lot more outgoing too so things can change. so be positive and look forward to a better you. take care

[Cool-Relax]

I'm going to be really honest here, and it's not because I'm a mean person, it's because it frustrates me to see people feel so badly about themselves.

You're causing your own pain. You just assume that things won't work out and you don't stand a chance. If you tell yourself that, you're taking yourself out of the game before it's even started. Stop being so hard on yourself. If you and this guy are friends, he obviously sees something in you, you just need to see that yourself.

Also, how does he know you like him if you didn't tell him? Unless it comes from you, he doesn't know for sure. We have a tendency to think people just sense when we like them, but they don't always know. And you can't assume that he's not interested unless he came right out and said it. By keeping your feelings to yourself, you could just be missing out.

You really should stop selling yourself short. For someone who doesn't make friends easily, it's a pretty big deal that you are friends with this guy. Despite the way you see yourself and how unhappy you may be, you went outside of your comfort zone to do that. If you could just build on that, you would feel a lot better about yourself.

[Asker]

To answer your question, yes, I told him. He didn't really say much about it, and if he did like me, he would have said something.

Thanks for your answer. It was very helpful.

[Cool-Relax]

Regardless of how he feels, try to look at it positively. It took a lot of courage for you to open up about your feelings. You've done something that a lot of people are afraid to do. You put yourself down by saying that you're socially awkward and a lot of other things, but I think you're a better person than you give yourself credit for.

[Gone_But_Not_Lost]

I am so glad you put your two cents into this.

[Gone_But_Not_Lost]

Aww, hon. I understand you so much better than you might realize. I feel the same way. I think I look terrible, I have serious self esteem problems, I constantly have trouble dealing with it too. For most my life I have slipped in and out of depression. Bipolar y'know? I have dealt with rejection a lot in life and I know it hurts. it kinda weighs you down sometimes right? If only you knew how bad it could get. I'm having trouble figuring out where to start with this tough...

I guess I can start with telling you that although he turned you down it might not be the end of it. I mean he might come around for all we know. He might not, though. I can also tell you that even though he he isn't interested it isn't the end of the world either. I know how cliché that all sounds but it's true. You'll likely move on. You'll toughen up. You'll find a new crush, maybe even a good boyfriend. Who knows?

As for your depression, there is a lot to deal with there. If you're depressed purely because of circumstance then you just need to isolate what's getting you down and work it out. If it's purely mental then it might be a chemical imbalance that is causing it. In some cases medication and/or therapy might help. As can good friends or a supportive family, or something. Heck sometimes all it takes is one good day. No matter what the cause of your depression it might be hard to work it out.

As for your parting questions.

"Why does he make me feel so bad about myself even though he doesn't do anything?"

It sucks being rejected by the one your crushing on. I guess that maybe you're just feeling crappy because you're still jonesing for him. You like him and he rejected you and he went on about his day. It's gotta hurt.

"Is this normal?"

Unfortunately yes. Just because he doesn't feel the same way about you doesn't mean you stop feeling it. I can totally see why you're hurt.

"Am I in love?"

Hard to say. I mean you're probably not. Love can be a lot more painful. Wonderful too. But to me this sounds like a crush for now.

"What should I do?"

Depending on what you mean. if you want to get over him, well I'd say go on about your day as well. Just live your life. You'll probably get over him. Most people get over a crush. In the mean time try to have fun. If you don't think you can get over him I suppose you can keep trying to win him over. There are ways of doing that. You can still hang with him. Like a friend. Get to know him. Talk to him. From time to time let on small bits of how you feel about him. if he's you're crush you must think he's pretty awesome. Occasionally talk about why he's awesome. Above all else, be yourself. Maybe more. There may be a chance he'll catch on to how awesome you probably are, and tell you how he feels. You never know. It migth just work.

Well I'm running out of space here. Let me tell ya'...

Good luck.

[xxangel1990xx]

Wow, excellent answer.

[Gone_But_Not_Lost]

I'm checking back on some of my old answers. Doing a follow up.

Was this answer at all helpful to you?

[BiggestDreamer]

Well, you're pretty easy to relate with.

Here's what you do: Do things that you are proud of. If you just said, "But I don't have any special talent," stop right there. Girl, you need some of that cocky confidence to get you through this. And if you honestly can't think of anything, think of something you want to be able to do, and shoot for that goal with all your heart and spirit.

Turn this depression around to something that makes you stronger! You can definitely use this as a turning point in your life. Just know what you want to be, and figure out how you’re going to get there. Who knows? Maybe when you take this hard step forward, people will see you in a different light.

Think you're ugly? Don't resort to plastic surgery, but there are ways to clean your face-up. If zits are a problem use some cleansers (from experience, they don't work 100%, but they do help). Look at the mirror with a smile and don't nitpick at parts which could be better. I'm sure you're a goddess to someone out there.

To directly answer your questions...I can't answer it myself. I felt terrible when I found out my crush already had a boyfriend. She never did anything wrong, and I wasn't really trying for her. Essentially, it comes down to feeling like he betrayed you, but somehow, everything is your fault. If I were to give my opinion on that, yeah, it's normal. It just comes down to thinking of what bothers you the most, and how you're going to fix 'em.

[xmistery]

Yes, I have that same problem. I liked this one guy and I was scared that things were going to fast and when he asked me out I said no (lying of course) and then 2 weeks later he got a girlfriend and I was devastated. I figured if I stayed friends with him things would be okay. But it wasn't I was depressed and happy and sad all in the same time. I would go to work happy as ever and whenever I saw his eyes, his expression or even him in general my self esteem ran to Texas. And 9 months later she broke up with him after having a pregnancy scare and just leaving him behind. That's when I told him I loved him and he didn't say anything and now he won't answer my texts and even talk to me. I miss him and he knows its hurting me 2 but yet does nothing. I have the same problem and it is normal. "But if you love something set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be, and if it doesn't it was just a waste of time" and that quote makes me cry all the time thinking of when and where he or someone who will actually care for me come alone. So if you truly love him just wait and see.

[Tracie]

love would not make you depressed to the point that you start to doubt yourself. quite the opposite will happen when you are in love. being in love causes feelings of elation, makes you feel high, like you can conquer the world and all of life's problems. as a teenager I had some self esteem issues. it is a normal part of growing up. to me it just seems like you have poor self esteem. wanna know what I did to help my esteem? I looked in the mirror and smiled at myself after I woke up and while smiling I would compliment myself. when you project a positive self image, other people will pick up on that vibe and think that you are a wonderful person. before you can love anyone else, you have to love your self. even if this helps just remember that not all people in the world will like you, there are lots of haters out there, and haters make you FAMOUS!

[romeo_is_dead]

"I fall into and out of depression"
"I'm ashamed to show my face to him because I think I look ugly"
"I think he is such a wonderful person and so much better than me"
"I'm just a weird, socially awkward person with a terrible personality"

"Why does he make me feel so bad about myself even though he doesn't do anything?"

Baby girl... you've got to love yourself and believe in yourself. You're externalizing and projecting internal issues... please consider talk to a guidance counselor about this, as it really sounds like this is beyond the scope of what can be handled by an internet message board.

[smith2267]

You are an oddball. Play the hand you were dealt. Quirky can be charming.

You are already friends--friends are more valuable than lovers, anyway. So go for broke, let him know how you feel, in your quirky, you sort of way. What is the worst that could happen? You will still be friends afterward, even if he doesn't take you up on it.

He likes something about you, or you wouldn't be friends, now would you?

[Anonymous]

Not sure its love but let him know.