A word to the nice guys, from a former nice guy

[Anonymous]

Before actually delivering my message to the nice guys, I would like to clarify exactly who I am referring to, so that my target audience can understand my message better. Here are two categories the nice guys fall under.

Pseudo-nice Guys

These are only so-called nice guys who stay polite and offer everything to come off as nice, with the underlying intention of getting female attention, admiration, relationships and sex. Of course, they think only they know their true intentions, and sometimes even they themselves aren't actually aware, but their stench gives it away to any female they interact with.

Genuinely Nice Guys

These guys are genuinely of good nature. They mean what they say, say what they mean, and don't have any hidden agendas. Unlike the pseudo-nice guys, they may offer something to a girl without expecting it to yield something in return. They're usually open, honest, vulnerable and go all-in once they fall head over heels for someone.

And finally, here's a word of advice to you. Stop being nice! It's been known time and again that girls do not want that. Most girls start dating during their teenage years, and the first guy they start off with is usually a playboy of some sort, a "bad boy" if you will. This boy has most likely "been around the campus" as they say, is popular, and being his "eye candy" might yield some additional perks. But what the girl really wants while approaching a guy like this, is the excitement she might get from unveiling his mysterious elements. Also, there's that desire to bag him as the girl who got him to stop "going around the campus" and stick only to her. From her own perspective, once she has done that, she has proven her value to be equal to his, to herself and to everyone else.

However, it never really goes down like that. Usually the girl ends up being "used" and unceremoniously ditched once the guy gets what he wants from her. That process usually happens a lot of times, usually all the way through her teenage years and most of her young adulthood, before she finally realizes that those guys aren't right for her. It is at that point that she starts wanting the nice guys (genuinely nice, not pseudo-nice).

Now here's something that these guys need to understand. You are worth a lot more than this. There's nothing special about being the "secure and stable" option. If you accept her now, you're lowering your own value. She went out and had her fun with awful guys before finally coming to you for marriage, stability, social security, and all of these other perks that those awful guys wouldn't offer her.

I had a rough life because of this mistake. When I was a teenager, I started out as a pseudo-nice guy, which means I was actually a jerk on the inside. I wasn't aware of it. I offered my shoulder to way too many girls who had their heart broken by jerks. But thankfully, I didn't end up getting a relationship with any of them, even though at that point I was too innocent to know that it's a good thing. I spent my teenage years entirely single, and as a result, gradually transitioned into a genuinely nice guy once I realized that being a fake social equivalent of Mother Teresa (a very charitable person) isn't exactly a deal sealer with the ladies. I spent my young adulthood as an open book, pursuing girls I liked without any hidden agendas. The problem was, it didn't change anything. Girls still didn't like me, at least not enough to give me their number, or go on a date with me. They liked me enough to have a drink with me that I paid for, sure. They liked me enough for me to drive them home, except she went inside her house alone, and I drove back to my home after that.

I ended up getting into my first relationship at the end of my 20s, with a woman who had a lot of experience. She was the same age as me, but she had been through a lot of crushes, FWBs, one-night stands, threesomes and so on during the years when I was trying to simply escape loneliness. Society said "past doesn't matter, she's with you now", so I believed it. I wound up giving her everything, and getting married to her. I was happy as ever when it began, because I had no idea about what I know now. But slowly, what we had started to fade. She didn't do anything wrong within the confines of our relationship and marriage. I just started to realize that I wasn't special. She didn't choose me, she settled for me. Every time I came home from work, I saw her asleep already, without me. No excitement, no happiness, no affection. We talked about, but things didn't change.

I filed for divorce a few years back, and have been all alone since then. Maybe this whole post was just a rant, maybe my life has turned me into a jerk. But I don't care. If there's one thing to learn from my mistakes, it's that you don't wanna be nice, and you certainly don't want to be with someone who ends up "realizing" that you're the right choice. People don't deserve it. You are beautiful and amazing, and if you get anything less than what you want, you shouldn't settle or try to rationalize it. If the world says it's "unrealistic", let them. It's still a lot more real than their cliched teachings about "acceptance" and whatnot.

If you read the whole thing, I am sorry for wasting your time. What I'm going through is beyond comprehension, and all I want, is for others to not go through that.

[Passinggas]

Human nature in general is wretched and I know that I possess the same evil traits that all I encounter. I look at all that I interact with from a third person point of view to understand why they are the way they are to avoid anger or bitterness. That I do for either gender.

I also do that for women but now I know I have special interest in this and I have to study myself as well as I get into it with her. I see her for the primal creature she is as well as myself and I never forget the selfish self interest of human nature and the female version of that.

In that light, you have to remain at an emotional distance, say arms length, and be ready to walk at the drop of a hat regardless of how long or how committed the relationship is. The only way a woman will continue to value you is if she feels that you can do better and might. She needs to always feel the need to keep you happy or else you might leave. You are a mover and stay hot.

You can never become comfortable with a woman because that marks instability in that she will be bored and start to hunt again as least mentally if not cheating. So, I don’t think you have to “Stop being nice!” necessarily but rather just be aware of what you are dealing with in human nature and the female version of it.

“If you read the whole thing, I am sorry for wasting your time.” ditto

[Passinggas]

at***

[wesdev]

You are a jerk who tested being pseudonice and now a jerk again. You said your wife has not done anything wrong within your marriage. You knew about her when you married. Now you are jealous of her she enjoyed and u have not. You shouldn't have married her if you thought that way. But you married her. Now be a man keep your word and live your life. You may have got more money to spend on girls now but she settled on you for a reason. Leaving her and trying to live a college fantasy is stupid.
You missed your chances in your youth that's your fault. Now dont spoil the life that you've got.

[wesdev]

You mentioned she's sleeping. Does she sleep all the time? Is she in any depression?

[devilman666]

Fuck off, divorce is legal, women divorce men often, the majority of divorces are initiated by women. Let's face it, divorce is not a life long commitment anymore.

[wesdev]

Yup. I guess it's better for both of you. Njoy

[myTake Owner]

Truth be told, I was heavily drunk and depressed while I was writing this, so let me boil down how I felt in one sentence. I felt like she had her experiences with all the bad boys in the world, and once she had her fun and was betrayed way too many times, she chose to simply sit on my shoulders and relax while I did all the work to keep her happy, keep her alive, without having any of the perks those jerks did.
I know, it's unfair to her, and it's highly judgmental. But it is what it is. I never claimed to be an amazing person. I just never had any friends, or family looking out for me. I had no guidance. I didn't know how to go about pursuing relationships. Society tends to put a lot of stuff in the minds of innocent youngsters. For all the talk of men and women being very different, I've grown old to find there isn't any actual difference between the two genders. All of my approaches were superficial, because I had no one to show me the reality of things. And by the time I figured out how to be genuine, not only was it already too late, I was also way over my head about not having had a single romantic experience of my own. At that point, I was so beyond my threshold of pain, I would've sacrificed everything I had to make it happen. But now that I've been across the pond and seen that everyone receives different treatment, I realize that my "mountain of gold" was actually just a small pile of doozy.

She has moved on, and I'm happy for her. I just wish I could turn back time and be a "bad boy" with all the girls around me, just go around nailing all of them and establishing a score board in the boy's league, or whatever it is that bad boys do these days. Maybe life would've been much different and much better that way.

[wesdev]

Its nice you took the time to explain. Sorry to judge you by your drunken words. And sorry that you're not with her anymore. I hope you've not made a similar drunken rant directly to her. Women can have strange confusing reactions to our actions.
by the way, I saw that you felt your getting old. Don't think that way. I heard somebody say there are people who achieved so much in their youth and died or lost everything in an early age. And there are people who never accomplished anything in their lives but even above 50 years old have suddenly become very productive and had fun. Now you Must work towards not enjoying these days in this age so that you don't regret after 10 years. All the best.

[wesdev]

I mean work towards being productive innovative and enjoy these days.

[sejla]

I doubt you are a jerk. You are probably just a bit beat up. It is sort of the after math of getting divorced. I was listening to a song on Pandora Women In Rock from Alanis Morissette called You Oughta Know. A pretty bitter break up song about her time with her ex actor boyfriend. I thought wow I'm sure she isn't like that now. A lot of us go through the angry, sad or whatever period of time.

For me part of it was knowing I tried too hard or helped to hard and at the end it didn't really amount to much since the other person didn't seem to appreciate it. I went through a period of time I didn't want to be the nice person. I thought I was only the nice person to my ex but I realized it was a bad habit in all my relationship. Nice became a dirty word for me.

Then I started to set boundaries. Now I do what I want to do and when I want to do it. That way i can be nice or kind when it is the right time for both people I back slide sometimes but then I get over it. I would prefer a nice guy over any other type of guy. I don't do drama any more. I like to know that who the man I see in front of me is the same guy I'll see in private too.

[myTake Owner]

From your perspective, you simply made mistakes and learned from them. Others might not see it the same way. In the case of my marriage, I was just a lonely fool who thought I was lucky I got into a relationship at all, thought it was a miracle and I should just secure it. I don't think I would've entered that relationship at all if a better girl was on the table. That doesn't mean she was awful, she was terrific. But I was never okay with her past on the inside. I only accepted it because the norm is pushed on very hard. It's easy to say "I'm okay with your past, all that matters is the present" on the outside, but not everyone can be actually okay with it. Society should do more to rationalize the fact that it is okay to not be able to deal with your partner's past, instead of simply promoting all of it as a norm, or worse, lying.

For whatever it's worth, my rant was written in a state of heavy drunkenness and depression. Maybe the fact is that not everyone is meant to live a life full of actual romantic and physical intimacy that is fulfilling. Maybe I should just accept that I'm one of those, and try seeking success elsewhere. I'm already an old man, a decade from retirement.
If there's one thing I could've wished for, it's to turn back time and be a "bad boy", just going about having fun, no matter who gets hurt. At least it wouldn't have been me then.

Also, I see you're trying to empathize with me. Thanks for trying to see things from my point of view. I hope you don't go through anything similar to this. I turned bitter and vindictive because of this. Any part of me that was ever full of innocence and wonder about having my own love story, is gone. I am in no shape to give advice, but if I were, I'd say "value yourself over anyone else".

[stardust101]

You sound bitter that you didn’t get the opportunity to play the field like all the other bad boys had. Listen, if there’s one thing I know, bad boys might get the girls, but they can’t keep them. When bad boys marry, they end up being an EX husband. You could have kept your wife, but your insecurity of assuming she “settled” for you instead of choosing you is your own problem. How do you know she settled? Did you talk to her about this? We all have a past that we can either choose to let go of or let the past define us. Her past doesn’t sound so great, but neither does yours.

[myTake Owner]

@stardust101 She had all kinds of passionate sex with them, threesomes even, and didn't want any of that with me. Pretty clear to me that I was only ever a stable rock for her, not the ultimate prize that I wanted to be.

[stardust101]

Perhaps you were what she needed and she knew it and perhaps she didn’t want to live her old lifestyle with you. Her old lifestyle sounds pathetic

[myTake Owner]

@stardust101 Yeah right, because it's all about her and what she wants, and I should just be serving her rather than pursuing what I want. It's people like you that spin-off every mistake made by promiscuous women as something that isn't a big deal. Maybe her old lifestyle was pathetic, but either way, I wanted to live a life like that. She already did, without me, and she didn't see me in the same light as she saw those other guys. Heck, she would join her best friends in bed, or invite her best friends into her bed, but in my case, she would hesitate to get into the bed herself, let alone invite someone else too.

No guy deserves to be the final resting place. That is what I was. She already went out and did everything with everyone. And I was left wanting all of it, still do. The only difference is that my needs and wants allegedly do not matter, because pseudo-feminism.

[stardust101]

I just said her old lifestyle sounds pathetic, I don’t condone her promiscuous behavior. You feel used, yet you’re pissed that you couldn’t use her in ways she used everyone else.

[myTake Owner]

@stardust101 Sex is a two-way experience, and I just wanted to be important enough for her to go the extra mile to make me feel good, like she did for those dudes, none of whom slapped a ring on it, which was something I was stupid enough to do. It's alright though, the ring's off now.

[TayTay21]

What most younger people don't realize is that most people are trash. Judging your life by what everyone else is doing is like worrying what prison inmates think of your life path. Who cares. Live your life for you, and spend your efforts trying to find good people who will enhance your life.

[swarvy]

Spot on. Been betrayed so many times by friends, family, girlfriends by the age of 31 that I've pretty much given up thinking that people have any heart or integrity. Don't let the opinions of shitty people get you down but be careful of being too altruistic.

[IronTaigaV69]

"Being betrayed so many times" that's EXACTLY why people my age shouldn't be getting into relationships. I'm 16 if that's important

[hellionthesagereborn]

You can be nice and get a girl, however what is required is being strong too. That is you need to be willing to be alone (I understand what your saying I've had a similar situation (ex was older then me, I thought she wanted me then I realized later that what she wanted was security and I offered it, I could have been swapped out with any one else and she would have not made a difference to her).

However I have learned from this and I refuse to fall for those kinds of women, I keep my eyes peeled for red flags and while I have been single quite some time now, I have avoided women like this. I still hope that I can find a good one (though its insanely difficult in this day and age, not all women want assholes but the majority do (just look at the responses, the women who just insult and get angry, those are the ones who are exactly as you stated, those however who argued with you and did so politely while showing empathy for the situation, those are the good ones. Find those types of girls not the other.).

I would also say you need to know who YOU are first, you cannot use them to define you, if you do that the bad ones will exploit that. So you need to be confident in yourself, realize that you have value, be good but be strong too i. e. know your worth, appreciate yourself and be willing to walk away from a woman who is not of equivalent value. Never worship them, never be beholden to them you have to be the one in charge or they will never respect you as a man (and most women will argue against this because again, many want to exploit you (just like the men who tell women that their is nothing wrong with sleeping around, they only do it because they hope to get easy sex with no investment, these women will tell you to be nice and women want nice guys because they want you to be their as their safety net.). Do these things and eventually you will find some one.

I'm sorry that you had to get dragged through the mud because of this (people these days are not honest and it really screws over those who are trying to figure things out and are too trusting not to question these claims).

[myTake Owner]

This is a rational and helpful response. Why use so many brackets though? :P
Anyway, I learned my lesson the hard way. Sure, it's too late, but it does not matter. I am just one of the many on this boat, and if others can avoid the same fate as me, then I've made my fair share of difference. That is what this myTake is all about. Thank you for contributing to it.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Don't know, just what I do, its kind of an off topic or when pointing out something that is a bit of a tangent but I feel is pertinent. Just something I do. As for the rest, your welcome.

[Anonymous]

Read this and don't think my eyes could have rolled back any further.
Nice girls actually do want nice guys. Not our fault you can`t find nice girls or the fact that you get rejected by someone you want. Nor is our fault that you haven't had any experience in your teen years. Stop taking your anger of not having anyone apart from one bad person you've had out on other people. Also stop saying we don't want nice guys. For gods sake... Im a nice girl and this really makes me mad. I`m known as a really nice girl and I am. My ex of three years cheated on me for a whole year. Took him back because he wanted to fix things and then continued to lie. Even after that experience I`m still nice and kind to people. Just because he broke my heart and put me through hell doesn't mean he next person I come across will. there's shitty guys and girls in this world. By making yourself mean and rude will only make people not want to be around you because come on who wants to date someone that's mean and rude and doesn't care about anything? Be stronger than that! move on and live your life. Be happy because who knows how long we're here for. there's people out there who are actually suffering in this world. Got no home, no family because they're either dead or have left them, got no education, got no nice clothing but I bet they would really appreciate those things if they had them! So be positive and be thankful for the life you have! there's already so much negativity in this world. So with that being said just move on. Accept the fact that there's shitty men and women in the world but that there's also genuinely good people out there too. Yes its hard to find someone nice and someone that actually wants you but you'll make it harder if you isolate yourself, detach from emotions, be rude and so on. Yes you're upset and you have the right to be as its how you feel and its how everyone is allowed to feel but don't give up on love and on finding someone nice and someone that actually wants you. Im a nice girl and I stay away from guys that are mean because that's not the kind of guy I want to take home to meet my parent's. I also wouldn't chase a guy. So if a guy seems like he doesn't care, doesn't put any effort in and so on then I won't chase him. I'll rather want to be with someone that put in 100% effort just like how I will.
I read the comments from the `most helpful` people you picked and I want to say Im surprised but im not. You picked people with similar thinking to you so it shows you aren't open minded.

[myTake Owner]

Wow, you're pissed. To start with, I didn't pick any of the "most helpful" responses, GAG auto-picked them. I honestly have no idea how that works, but that's what happened.
Secondly, you bring literally nothing to this discussion other than self-pity and aggression. I am genuinely sorry that your ex cheated on you, but I don't see how that gives you the right to paint an unflattering picture of me. I'm just a depressed drunk trying to vent, and to make sure that anyone who's on the same path as me avoids this dark fate. And as for your attempts to help, I do appreciate those, but I've grown old. No one wanted me before she did, and no one wants me now. My problem is still valid, even if I have a house, nice clothing, and no cancer to deal with. Just because I don't show grace for not being in a worse situation doesn't mean I'm making myself out to be the biggest victim on the planet.

[zeineboyy]

Ya but all the nice good girls are taken or fat

[Opinion Owner]

@zeineboyy you're so shallow. Men like you need a wake up call.

[myTake Owner]

@zeineboyy Don't agree with your stereotypical POV, but yeah, it's a common occurrence that good girls, attractive girls, quality girls are mostly already in a relationship. Sucks for people like us, but it's their decision to be in that relationship.

[zeineboyy]

Maybe.. shed right I am a little shallow? but it's not like I go for the super hot girls anyway id be happy with a dorky nerdy girl.

[xCherryKizz]

Firstly u are not wasting my time and im honored i came across ur post. Not sure if im gonna ever be of help but i wanna tell u this.

Love can comein any forms and most times people mistake it as infatuation. Or maybe like u said safe and secure maybe isny enough to last ur whole marriage, maybe friends yes but spouse no.

Maybe this is why I've always never had a good opinion on marriage. It complicatea money matters, people get bored easily (if ur partner doesn't take turns to engage u, im a pretty fun person in my opinion and i prefer people who are creative otherwise ima get bored) , people marry easily thinking it is their permanent happinesd then div later knowing it isn't. If u r truly in love and wint mind sacrificing for ur partner, love them past their cute and nice days, you won't last.

My point is never give up who you are, ur personality, ur attitude. The right person will come along. I dont believe there are good guys tbh, everyone have their angry and jerk times. And i know romance do die out no matter how much u love that person, but dont try to find ways and appreciate each other. My boyfriend would always tellme from time to time how great it is that we have the same sense of humor, or that he is thankful that i forgave him and vice versa.

Stay strong bro you'll find it when she comes along. Join social events, have fun, dont try too hard in finding the right one, worst come to worst u have urself at the end of the day. Id prefer being single than with someone i dont really love for the rest of my life

[myTake Owner]

Thank you for empathizing with my issue. Your willingness to make me feel better and ease my conscience is more than what I thought I could get, more than I deserved to get, in response for my rant. A lot of things in there are way out of line, but venting it out helped me achieve temporary peace. And your response certainly helped me get some more of that.

Members like you make the GAG community mean something. This isn't just about asking or answering questions. Everyone in this community should look out for one another. You have set a good example, one which I will try to follow. Thank you.

[ObscuredBeyond]

I haven't stopped being who I am deep down. I'm simply better guarded today. I need more evidence that she's worth my time, before I start "selling the farm," so to speak. The gal has to genuinely intrigue me before I give more of my heart away. I no longer feel pressure to meet one just to prove I can. Already been there, done that. And watched it all go to Hell. And once I proved I can, those saying I couldn't finally shut up. Turns out, I didn't really want to be tied down that badly. I just didn't want my whole worth to be measured entirely by my prowess with women. And now, I've transcended all that. I keep my hand figuratively reaching for a fly swatter, just in case I ever need it. I'm friendly, but heavily guarded. After a few MeToo liars in my life were discredited after heated battles, most of my problems with women disappeared. Those women failed to destroy an innocent man, and now, no man trusts them. I'm jaded now, yes. But it takes a special kind of stupid from a woman to provoke my cruel side.

[skyboy64]

Me 2 man me 2 , And I am 55 years old never been married, never had sex. I don't know how to anyway because they wouldn't show me how to do it. So why bother getting a girlfriend pregnant if she doesn't want you and me too. i been lie to by a gay guy poses as a straight girl. on computer cell phone so I can't trust anyone because of fake people taking advantage of me.

[ObscuredBeyond]

@skyboy64 : That is terrible. So is the fact that the powers that be have a gays can do no wrong mindset, and enforce it on is ever more aggressively. Which is why next year's elections will matter more than ever. The Demoncraps, if they win the White House, will legalize pedophilia and will outlaw homeschooling. We'll all be slaves of an out of control racket/ sexual death cult, and be worse off than China. And the Chinese government right now is as bad or worse than the Mafia.

[JimmyQ]

Seems to me that you are still trying to be the "nice guy", but in reality there is no such thing. We all fail ourselves at times as well as those who depend on us. That's what it means to be human.

I have no idea where you got your expectations of marriage from, but speaking strictly from experience, you are way off base.

I hate to tell you this, but you may be unlovable. What I mean is that you cannot get something out of a love relationship that you don't put into it yourself. She will only be a reflection of your efforts.

There is a certain time when people begin to drift apart. It generally has to do with a lack of interest in the physical aspects of the relationship. People get fat, or develop alcoholism, or become workaholics because they no longer enjoy the intimacy that once fueled the romance so they seek other ways to satisfy themselves apart from their spouse.

It is your job as the spiritual leader of the household to keep your wife healthy. I don't know how hard you may have tried to do this or maybe you never realized it is your job. By definition the word "Husband" means keeper of the garden. In Holy Matrimony she gave you consent to be the keeper of her garden.

I can sense your rage and totally understand how you feel betrayed, but you did accept the job. I understand that she is not the person you may have been mislead to believe, but you did buy into the whole two cars and a white picket fence dream and now you're running away like a spoiled little child, and to what? Just looking for a retread, a re-do, another broken-down soul?

I also note that there are no children mentioned. I'm not trying to be hard on anyone here, but to me children are the # 1 reason for marriage.

It seems that you both would benefit greatly from some serious counseling. It all starts with bare naked honesty and I'm afraid that is something "nice guys" are incapable of.

[myTake Owner]

Spirituality isn't welcome in my life, never was. Not that I was ever anti-religion, I just view it in the same light as cults and refuse to acknowledge it as something worth discussing.
Stripping all of that from your opinion, there are certain parts that are accurate, certain that aren't, and some which are pretty helpful. It's kind of an amazing thing that you want to shed light on what makes couples drift apart. Not that any of that was groundbreaking knowledge or had anything to do with my situation, but it may be helpful to someone else.

As for the inaccurate parts, we got divorced years ago, I haven't seen her or been in contact with her since, so there's no need for "counseling", even if it were possible. I genuinely put my heart and soul into the relationship, thinking "don't worry, she loves you, she just needs time to recuperate from her past relationships where she put her heart and soul into it, and the guy just broke her heart". I believed she was in need of recovery, and that once she would reach it, our relationship would be almost as if she too had never been in a relationship before, at least from an emotional aspect. I thought I was going to have my love and efforts reciprocated, but that never happened.

I won't blame the whole thing on her. I certainly don't hate her. I just wish I had made different choices. I wouldn't have been happy being an asshole, but maybe that would've gotten me what I wanted. It doesn't matter now. I am too late. I never thought about kids, neither of us did. But then again, maybe it's natural for thoughts as serious as those to occur in a marriage where there's no spark. If there ever was a part of me that wanted kids, it's dead now.

[JimmyQ]

Everything is spiritual, with you or without you. Your immediate failure to understand that most basis principle is the cause of all of your other failures.

I state fact while you attempt to cover up your shortcomings. This is nothing new.

You are obviously still reliving the play by play in your head. May as well get it straight. You did this. Own your failure and try not to repeat it, lie to yourself and everyone else, take the class again.

Your choice.

[myTake Owner]

Science has been backing up facts since over 100 years, when "spirituality" has been taking shots in the dark since over 10,000. If you believe in spirituality so much, go ahead and live in the woods, give up your clothes and food to those who really need it and would be grateful for it. Don't impose your entitled views on others. We have minds of our own.

There's no denying that I failed. You're pointing that out like it's a new observation. Great, you saw that I failed. Are you expecting a medal for it? Are you expecting me to announce "JimmyQ admits I failed, he is smart, he is good boy"? You can go ahead and pat yourself on the back thinking you've imparted your invaluable wisdom on to a "godless creature" like me, but that won't change anything that's real, anything that counts, anything that is outside the bubble of your delusions.

I'm not covering up my shortcomings one bit. While you're busy playing "holier than thou", I'm dealing with actual problems which you probably can't even begin to fathom. It's shameful that people of your community have to deal with your callousness and irrationality on a daily basis. I feel sorry for you and everyone around you.

[JimmyQ]

Your opening statement reads volumes to me and translates as such: "I'm (meaning you) a fool and I have a keyboard. Now I'm (you again) gonna waste my time trying to explain how stupid I (you again) am."

Sorry, I'm not your patsy. I'm not even gonna waste time answering your ill thought, low iq comments.

[myTake Owner]

Lol, you typed my response to you for me. Thanks for that. Now get off your mommy's computer and go to bed. :P

[Anonymous]

Love how I see girls trying to reject your idea of them just simply liking "bad boys". Being a nice guy ages a go, I can agree with what you said my guy. Those who are heartless now, once cared too much. The days that break you are the days that make you. I was one of the nicest person you would meet. I helped everyone no question asked. Male and females. Went out of my to help. I definitely went the extra mile for the girl I liked. I helped her with rides to and from places. Took her out to eat regular (basically daily). Would basically drop everything to help her in any sort of way. Contrary to what lots of females said, "some guys is that they think that we owe them something if they're nice to us" thats far from the truth. We do these things to show you we are the kind of people to treasure you. To do just about anything for you. To show you we care. When I saw that most of you females saw it as a weakness. I lost all sense of patience. When you get turned down by someone you damn near worship the ground they walked on it breaks you. By then when you have nothing to lose you become into something darker. You stop caring, you stop showing weakness. You go out of your way to avoid any feelings towards anyone. Its a lonely path. But with time you find that the worse you treat a girl. Ignore her, show little interest. She will fall for you even harder.

[530d___]

“Ignore her, show little interest. She will fall for you even harder.”
And then you want to wonder why you don't find a nice girl. Is it our fault you can't find someone who wants you? No! You say it's a lonely path but you are making yourself lonely. Open your eyes.

[myTake Owner]

You have clearly been through a lot yourself. Thanks for venting on your behalf on this myTake, which also started out as a complete rant. I believe sharing makes the sorrow lighter.

The truth is hard for most girls and women to swallow. And this is going to sound mean and objectifying, but it's not. "No one will pay a million dollars for someone else's trash". If you go to a store, and see everyone else enjoying a bottle of milk for $3, would you be willing to pay more than that when everyone else got the same bottle for $3? The answer is no. That is just what I did. She gave everything to other guys for free, and gave me way less than that in exchange for financial stability.

This whole debacle makes me wonder if anything in life is worth taking all of this pain for. I wish I could go back in time to tell my young and stupid self what I know now. Maybe life would've been very different, in a good way. But it doesn't work like that. I made mistakes, now I have to live with them, suffer the consequences permanently. And that is okay. At least I got to vent it out.

[Opinion Owner]

@530d___ I used to care too much. Wasted all my time trying to help. Trying to listen. I was a nice guy. But when you finally accept that no girl likes the "nice guy" you break a certain way. You stop caring.

[530d___]

So many girls like nice guys. You clearly haven't found nice girls that want nice guys...

[foriWish]

I read a little (not going to lie) and I call bullshit on the little I read. I like nice guys and I am a girl so stop lying to nice guys that we don't like them. I did not date bad boys in my teen years and am now NOT using good guys to settle. You talk and talk but guys are just like women in that prospective to sleep around in their teens years and half of young adult life with users, the only difference is guys can still get a good young woman when they are much older unlike women since it's all about looks and being young.

Point is, both genders does that. There are nice girls out there and nice guys. There are also Pseudo-nice Guys AND Pseudo-nice Girls out there. Period

[Rangers]

If girls liked nice guys, they wouldn't all be single while all assholes have 4 girlfriends at once at a time.

[foriWish]

@Rangers obviously that isn't every case. Also, you're not a nice guy so I have no idea why you're making that point

[Anonymous]

*Yawn* You through whining?

Let me make something clear. What sort of girls do you think actively pursue bad boys? The school jock? It an't hard. Use that head of yours for more than a hat rack.

There's been a hundred and one spoof movies - Scary Movie is still popular enough for even a 10 year old to have watched it - about the dimwitted cheerleaders and shallow popular girls tripping over themselves to be "eye candy" of some jackass. The girls that make their rounds around the school a dozen times. The girls teachers roll their eyes about and shuffle through the years because they couldn't be bothered to waste time teaching them.

And ultimately the girls who often fail to have meaningful relationships because they're so shallow & insecure they'd screw the grounds keeper were he attractive. No decent guy wants to show off the town bike to their parents yet alone marry her like you did. Just as no decent girl wants to bring home a jackass like something undesirable the cat dragged home.

But keep spouting being a nice guy doesn't work. Birds of a feather flock together. The jerks can keep the tramps & leave the nice guys for nice decent gals.

[myTake Owner]

So much ill will in one response. I've gotta hand it to you though, your sentiment is honest and transparent. So I'll spare you the witty comebacks and leave you with a thumbs up.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like to me you were ever a "nice guy". Genuinely nice guys as you put it, don't go around shouting it from a mountain top. Another problem with some guys is that they think that we owe them something if they're nice to us. You may not want to hear this but we don't owe you anything. Being nice is something you should just do and not expect anything in return. Women, and men are very different in that aspect. When we're nice to someone, doesn't mean we're interested in you. In fact, there's a pretty good chance we're not because we act that way towards everyone.

[myTake Owner]

You might've intended for your post to hurt me, or offend me, but on contraire, it's the single most honest response I've read to my myTake. I won't deny, when I was really young and stupid, I did feel like it was wrong or unfair that my niceness wasn't being "rewarded", even if I myself was not aware of it. But I went past that phase, and stopped expecting rewards for anything. I realized that my niceness was just a facade, and when I did, I improved and became genuinely nice.

This myTake isn't me "shouting it from a mountain top". It's just a bunch of words from a man who made a lot of mistakes, grew old, became bitter and vindictive, lost a lot and didn't truly achieve what he wanted in life. And those words are in service of looking after those who might end up on the same path as me. I don't expect a nobel prize for it, because it's not a noble, or selfless act either. I found temporary peace after making this post in a super drunken and depressed state. There's something in that messed up rant for everyone. I consider this myTake to be successful, thanks to this site's contributors, like yourself.

[Anonymous]

Wow. One relationship with a woman and you're an expert on them. You must be fabulously wealthy, what with your ability to learn all there is to know about things simply by experiencing them once. Have you decided which private island you're going to retire to?

[myTake Owner]

Anonymously making fun of a drunken divorced man who's old, bitter and vindictive. Touche.
I am no expert. I wrote the myTake while I was heavily drunk and depressed. Truth is I'm not much better now, but I needed an outlet, and it helped me. I remember baking a small little cheesecake for myself right after writing that myTake. It was small, unprofessionally done, no hearts on it, and no one to serve it to me with a kiss. But it was just for me. I had that cheesecake, and in the midst of my absolute bitterness, was a moment when that sweet cake made me feel something I hadn't felt in a long time... hope.
I would say people like you are the reason why there isn't much of that going around, but then again, I'm not you.

[MikeAndMolly]

Lots of fucked up ideas here.

I suspect you know that these ideas are fucked up and, really, not actually that true, but I get that you need to rant and vent about them.

People, as in humans, tend to like nice people. We want companions, love, and trust.

All that sexist stuff about typical girls and typical guys and the typical set up to the mindset of the modern woman...

I mean, you're a rational guy, right? So you know that the lack of survey data, the lack of really any evidence to back up these claims whatsoever completely invalidates them.

I'm sorry you've been through some shit.

Hope you find happiness and can revisit these ideas later on and realize how fucked up your mind was back then.

Good luck.

[myTake Owner]

I am already aware that the rant was messed up. I am a lot more articulate than that, but I was drunk out of my gourds. At that particular point, I just felt like she would never have come to me if she wouldn't have had those million experiences with the millions of bad boys she previous dated and/or hooked up with and got hurt by (millions being entirely metaphorical). And to top that, it's not like I had anything special to offer her. There are plenty of other guys out there who can provide her with a stable, married life, with food being served to her on a plate every single day, and a comfortable bed being provided to sleep on. One of them could've been that. I just thought that it was my only way to ever have any romantic intimacy, and I should take what I get.

Yes, it is obviously unfair to both her and I. But in hindsight, both she and I deserved better. I wouldn't make myself out to be the victim, and her to be a manipulator or perpetrator who took advantage of me. I just grew old chasing a spark with her, which she already had with plenty of guys before meeting me, and maybe she just didn't want that with me, which is fine. If only I had a thought process back in the day as clear as I have at this present moment, I would've seen that coming and never gotten into that relationship in the first place. But I was blinded by the thought of being alone forever. And here I am now, alone forever.

[QueenTanya]

Just because you were a so-called "nice guy" and had one bad experience with one woman, doesn't mean every other nice guy is gonna automatically have a bad experience like you. You can't blame all women for your faults and insecurities. You didn't have your "fun" in high school/college and you regret it so you went the extra mile to bring it out on your ex-wife and to write this rant. The truth is, you can't help but compare yourself to her past ex-boyfriends which you believe must have been a "bad boy." That's why you didn't feel special. Believe me, you aren't the only heart-broken, insecure, dude - there are more like you out there. So at least you'll have the comfort of being in the majority, right? This whole rant of yours reeks of a YOU problem. If I were to list it all, you'd be sitting here reading it all day.

[Bellaboo01]

I don't think being a nice guy is what gets people into that situation. I don't like to say all nice guys are the same either. That's just not true. Nice is one quality, one that should be easy and everyone should be nice. Shouldn't it be the other qualities that you have that make different to other people. In sorry you had a bad experience. However I don't think it happened because you are a nice guy. Getting a divorce was probably the right thing to do. If you were unsatisfied and weren't getting what you wanted then it wasn't meant to be. Clearly you want a women who is affectionate and excited to see you. Which there are definitely women out there that would be. That's just my opinion what do I know?

[leftygriffy]

Al contrair!!! Being a nice guy is exactly what took him to his divorce!!! You do good gestures of love and all you get for it is neglect!!! women dont want a nice guy till they are more matured and probably with child from a asshole... blaming all men for the dumbass they picked and turning down legit nice guys cuz they were too safe

[Bellaboo01]

I disagree we aren't all the same it's unfair to group us into one.

[leftygriffy]

I do apologize but it's rare to see a women not in this category in real life!!! Online they all say they want a nice guy that listens and shows affection and gives little love details and once they have him and all he wants is to love and be loved!!! He gets taken for granted!!! And if more than one guy is saying it then that's kinda just proving a point.

[leftygriffy]

And I'm not saying women are evil or jerks or none of that shit lol I'm just saying they all say they want a nice guy and once they have him they get bored

[Bellaboo01]

I do agree a lot of girls say that but not all do and when they say they want a nice guy they might not mine just a nice guy. There are lots of nice guys. But if you lined them up they would all look and be different people. I think when women say that they are being vague and should be more specific about what they want. No one should be taken for granted and I'm sorry to ang guys or girls that have been.

[CarpetDenim]

I’m dating a genuinely nice guy. He’s never been with another person before me, romantically or sexually, and I love that exclusivity I have. I dated one guy before him and he was also an inexperienced and genuinely nice guy, but it never went anywhere on a physical level with him. I would never be attracted to a “bad boy.” Promiscuity is my number one turn off, and plenty of women feel the same way I do. Just because you had a bad experience being “nice” does not mean every other guy will too.

[myTake Owner]

I don't claim to be a prophet, predicting the future of every guy who reads this. This is just me looking out for those who have a chance of following the same path as me, which let's face it, is a lot of people. I realize that not everyone is doomed to what I'm going through. If that was the norm, I don't think I would've been posting this myTake at all. So to conclude, yes, I'm well-aware that plenty of nice guys do get a happy ending, one of them being your boyfriend. I'm happy for you, and wish nothing but the best for you two.

[jabariw18]

I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm 28 years old and struggle to even scratch the surface of dating because of stupid, superficial expectations by most girls out there. The only women who ever want anything to do with me have already slept around and have kids and see me as the stable option for her and her children. Even those are few and far between, presumably because I'm black. I don't mean to pull the race card but people don't usually look at blacks as a stable option unless they actually take the time to get to know me on a personal level.

[myTake Owner]

I'm pretty sure both you and I don't hold an aggressive stance against girls who have slept around and have kids. It's perfectly fine that they wanted to sleep around and have kids, or that they made mistakes and learned from them.

The problem is, society expects us to ignore what we want and support them. It's not wrong for me to wanna be with a virgin. But I dare not say it out loud in real life, for they will start calling me names and say that I'm a misogynist. All decisions have consequences. I am all for empowerment, and self-love, and I believe everyone has the right to do what they wanna do with their body and their life. But I also have the right to feel how I feel. Just because I would never date a girl with kids (not like they're interested in me in the first place), does not mean I hate them, or am rallying against them. They can easily find someone else to be with, and plenty of other people would be interested in actively pursuing relationships with them. But it's just not me. Why do people have to always spin it around to make me the villain?

Anyway, I get the whole race card thing. Dark-skinned men are usually associated with the hood, gangs, drugs, all of that. It's weird how society still sees the whole race thing, but I refuse to be a part of that. All I can say, is that no matter what your race, you're still a person with needs and wants. I made the mistake of overlooking my own needs and wants out of fear that I won't get another chance, and this is where I ended up because of it. If you don't wanna end up here, you should value yourself above anyone and everyone else. You are the prize. If they don't have what it takes to make you happy, then they don't deserve to be a part of your life, I don't care if they were a saint of a human being before having a million kids. And if you still end up alone, at least you won't feel used like a doormat, like how I feel.

[jabariw18]

The problem I have is that nobody even seems to want to give me a chance in the first place except the rare occasions when I get a DM from the fat mama with 3 kids already. I know I"m not the most attractive dude but I see nothing short of shallowness and prejudgment in this case. Everyone I know always tells me I'm handsome and kind and smart etc but girls never wanna take a shot at me ever. Real life is perpetual friendzone and online is like I'm invisible to anyone I try to talk to. They take one glance at my pic and instantly know they aren't interested. I get more DMS from cam girls and transgenders than anyone else, followed by fat mamas and then MAYBE a decent looking girl who will probably not last more than 0-2 messages before ghosting.

[myTake Owner]

If there's one thing I've learned over my years with 0% success rate, it's that the internet is absolutely not your friend when it comes to finding dates. It is easy for anyone to press the "block" button on you after assuming that you have nothing to offer based on your physical appearance. I am pretty sure that's what you do to the "fat mamas with 3 kids" as well. The truth is, if you want to be the best you can be, and have a chance to show what you have to offer, there is no better way than offline. They can't just hit the "block" button offline. They can still tell you to walk away, or they themselves can walk away. But, people tend to not wanna do that in real life, because that might make them feel uncomfortable, or put them in a confrontational situation.

I'd say you'd better log off, go out there, chase what you want, and don't be an ass to those who don't qualify as what you want. It is perfectly fine to politely decline and reject, a lot of which will also definitely come your way. But I would not condone using terminology like "fat mamas with 3 kids" and "cam girls and transgenders" offline. Not that those are insults, it's just that when it's tonally derogatory, it tends to make you come off like a judgmental human being who thinks they're better than everyone else. It's best to stay humble and level-headed.

[LightEnd]

I feel for you man. If you did not have any children with her then you escaped by the hair on your chiny chin chin.

Find something other than women to fulfill you. Unfortunately, women no longer care about providing value in a relationship. Sure there are some. But trying to slog through the wasteland to find one is a dangerous expedition in which you may fall into a sink hole like I did.

If you still have access to all of the money you make and dont have to give it all away. Find something in life that is a worthy goal and persue it. Best of luck to you man.

[myTake Owner]

I only last half of our joint financial net-worth. No alimony checks, mainly because we never got to the phase of wanting kids, or starting a family. I mean we never even got around to talking about it, or thinking about it, even though all of her friends look like they have gotten into exciting marriages, and have multiple kids. Either way, it is a good thing we never got around to it. I don't think I can live with having a child who is 50% her. Don't get me wrong, she is an amazing person at heart. But we just never really had..."it". I never really felt like I was at the center of her life, or she was at the center of mine. She meant a lot to me, but it wasn't a perfect relationship, and we were definitely not two-pieces of a puzzle that fit. Only couples like those should have kids, at least for the sake of the kids.
I don't think I'll ever have kids. I'm too old now. Part of me wishes I could've had that. But deep down, I know that if I really wanted to be a dad, that's only one phone call to a foster-care away. I'd rather not have a kid at all, than adopt one, or make one through arrangements like sperm-donation, or have one with a woman I don't have a larger-than-life connection with.

[LightEnd]

It's funny listening to these people that have no clue. Like the woman below who said "next" lol. These women think they are so special and dont realize they offer nothing. It blows my mind. Like they think they are some sort of rare treasure. Hilarious

[LightEnd]

It's kind of like this is all that is left.

Hi, I'm a 30 something single mom with 1 or 2 baby daddies. They aren't in my life anymore because they are worthless men who dont know how to serve and appreciate me for how special I am. It's ok too because they support me (I mean my kids) I am a strong independent woman but most of what I have, I have gotten from men. But they owe it to me because I am a female and I cannot get these things on my own. Although I have been in many relationships I never did anything wrong, I was the perfect partner, all my men where just pieces of shit who didn't know how to serve my needs. Nevermind that I didn't offer them any actual love and affection, support or interest in them as a human being, they should just have been happy that I graced them with my presence and let them have some sex occasionally.

Girlpower!

[myTake Owner]

I try not to jab back at their arrogance. Not everyone is inherently evil. Even my ex-wife wasn't evil, and I doubt she had a clear hidden agenda of marrying me for stability. But I realize that is what happened, even if she herself didn't realize it. Society tends to mold certain phenomenon into existence without a lot of people realizing it, and insulting people for it is not going to solve that, or create awareness. Awareness comes from sharing, and if you're someone in pain like me, sharing can be very therapeutic. I didn't expect my post to be read by so many, or to be taken so seriously, but I guess I can safely say everyone got something from this. I got a some temporary peace and acknowledgement, some empathy, some constructive and destructive criticism, and certain people who read this might've learnt something from my mistakes too. If that is not positive, I don't know what is.

[LightEnd]

It isn't an insult to point out the truth. People just tend to take it as such. When you say the truth, people get mad. Just the way it is. I'm at a point where I dont care if I'm liked or not. I think that is why were "nice guys" we want people to like us. Now i dont care who likes me or not. It's pointless

[myTake Owner]

And that means you've reached resolution. Most people live out their days before finding resolution. I'm really old, and even I've not found it yet. I'm happy for you, and if anything, more people should make an effort to find resolution, and help others find it.

[LightEnd]

This is what wormen do when given choice and sexual freedom. They have fun with all the Chads and Tyrones, then settle for a "good guy" but are unfulfilled because you were never there first choice. You should feel lucky that you weren't 2 or 3 kids deep. Focus on yourself and dont get yourself in a jam because you so desperately want to be loved by a woman. They do not love the same way we do. They love you for your status, your resources and what you can do for them, all the while, expecting it and not appreciating it.

[LightEnd]

I just want to say there ARE women out there who are not like this but, they are hard to find and it's hard to tell what your gonna get because they know how to act right when they are trying to get you locked down.

[Anonymous]

I’m terribly sorry to hear what you been through, I’m 20 and never had a girlfriend, not that I couldn’t get one because I have good looks and I’m in hell of good shape but I don’t want leftovers- someone who got fucked by all the guys around town, that’s a no, no, not only that but from hearing so many stories I don’t feel like I can trust them. I understand how you feel and I would feel the same, I’m not a nice guy, I actually don’t do anything unless it benefits me and I live my life my way, because I highly value myself, fuck what society says, society= humans, their not god. Remember you are not alone there are plenty of other men who have been through the same thing you have, just remember if you ride through the storm it eventually clears and things get better, don’t and I mean it please don’t do self harm with alcohol, I know your in pain I suffered from severe severe depression and everyday was hard. I hope things get better for you brother.

[myTake Owner]

Referring to them as "leftovers" is indeed demeaning, but I wouldn't argue with the sentiment behind that word. It's highly shameful that people like you and me have to share a world with people who just want to rack up their numbers at the cost of other people's lives and happiness. Regardless, it's good to know that I'm not alone, and that someone relates. Thank you for your response. I am sure things are going to be okay for you.

[Opinion Owner]

Yea thanks for the advice, you have saved me and many others from pain. Just curious, how did she take the divorce?

[myTake Owner]

Didn't flinch, didn't bat an eyelash, just went along with it. Maybe a part of me was hoping that she would fight to save what we have and try to convince me to stay, but there was no resistance on her part. It just proves that I wasn't important to her.

[Opinion Owner]

Yea you were definitely right for divorcing her

[R_Cakes91]

I don’t want a “nice guy” I want a good guy. Someone whom I know is a good person. Don’t blame the entire species of women for your lack of success. Believe if or not, really nice women also have a hard time dating. You get used for dates, women often get used for sex. And so the vicious circle goes around.

Just try to be a good person, treat everyone with respect and as equals. Good luck.

[Lemia]

Exactly also why hide behind annoymous if you have something to say come out and say it.

[markkick]

good point also , goes both ways

[EmperorOfRussia]

I commend you for rejecting to be in a relationship of convenience, it took courage from you and you ended up doing the right thing with your life. Praise on you for refusing to accept a mediocre life in a mediocre marriage with a mediocre woman! Never accept to be in relationship of convenience. Ever!

[myTake Owner]

That is exactly the lesson I learned from my experience. I was merely scared of being alone, thinking that I wouldn't get another chance again. Maybe it's true, maybe not, but fear had a big part in my decision to get married, even if I wasn't aware of it at the time.
Regardless, all of that is over with, and at least I have half my money left. :P

[Browneye57]

So much whining... so little time. [rolls eyes]
At least you're ripe for red pill knowledge. And no, you NEVER put a woman on a pedestal. EVER.

The only way to keep a woman true over the years is to be so fucking awesome and rich they can't afford to leave. Otherwise, they all get bored, and will fuck around on you if you don't pay attention. It's called 'hypergamy', and it says any woman will dump a perfectly good guy if she's bored, or if she thinks she can get a better one.

Women love opportunistically.
Guys love idealistically.