I'm sharing this for other men, and women as well, so that you know what can go wrong, and that you know there is hope for your life when you fall into the wrong trap. It's conveyed from a male viewpoint, but certainly, can happen to women.
Spiders
Spiders are cunning smart hunters. They lay an intricate web in hopes of catching an unsuspecting prey to devour and fill their bottomless void. Once caught in the sticky goo, the prey is quickly overwhelmed...soon to be wrapped and consumed .... to lose their life giving to the other. It can't feel good...or can it? Lets be clear...this is not a reciprocated love relationship!
That's spiders, and as well how some emotionally damaged people function. They may look ok outside, but inside is the makeup of a hurt, confused, and controlling creature. You must be very careful in your quest of a mate so you don't fall into the web, as I did. Dumb bugs get killed and lose their lives. They may even think they are living fully...poisoned by life to think they are living it fully giving to the fulfillment of the other, at expense of themselves. Such would be the nature of those who have high empathy. But it's not love if it isn't given in return and there's a way out of the web. But first...
Looking for love
I went out looking for love in my 30's and 40's, a missing part of life for me I had ignored. Being very inexperienced and as well walking around with my yet undiscovered emotional issues, I was easy prey. I carried a damaged self image from verbal/emotional abuse, low esteem, and curses I put upon myself early in life to not have a family...out of fear. I had a great family, but as a sensitive kid, I'd taken a lot of abuse...which caused issues relating to girls and in fear in general. I don't recall getting support to date or marry and such. I put a curse on myself in H.S. when I heard about a man that lost his whole family in a car accident and resolved to never feel that pain. My mother said more than once..."don't have kids". She was a good mom in so many ways and was lucky to have her as mom, but she lived in fear for a reason, I never discovered. Non of her kids had offspring. I absorbed her fear. I knew nothing of dating or even my own inner makeup by the time I was 30. It seemed everyone was taken in my circles and I had no skills to date and thus, I had no success with women beyond a single date. Times in life I felt a strong connection, I'd run in fear. Those girls got left in the dust. My doubt, self image and fear were controlling me. Emotions rule...remember that.
At some point I saw the void in my life and there's no denying the drive in life to find a mate. I started going to church dances to meet someone. I met Mrs L. and she gave up after 6 months as I gave no affection...my fear of intimacy? She said "no", moved onto another guy and onto another and got married. But to note, she clearly disconnected from me and didn't hear from her again. That's a quality woman!
An innocent dance class...
Along came Mrs. C whom I met at another church dance. She contacted me for our first date. Within a single date, she held onto me for nearly an hour in the cold when I was saying goodbye...she wouldn't let go. Something was amis...it felt awkward [she was on meditation from divorcing...didn't know that], it be assault if a man did that to a woman. But I was clueless in every way...and unfortunately, went onto the next date. I was enmeshed in her life doing what I do best, helping...giving, being nice...and keeping my distance emotionally. Trying to win her love, being pulled in, pushed away. More than once she drew me to her and then push me away, would not reciprocate. It was confusing. I got to know her kids, I loved kids, they filled a void in my life. That little people would jump and cling to me was a joy I hadn't experienced. Didn't take long though to realize I wasn't what she wanted, in that way. It was just awkwards trying to be intimate. Something was messed up. She concluded to end dating at some point but kept me in her life as "friend" or whatever. I was so close to the kids, I cared about her, I wanted to fix her I think. I was dumb enough not to run at that point. big mistake.
I was "friendzoned", but it felt so good to give to her, to them, to see happiness. I spent freely on my big salary as if they were mine, jump at the chance to baby sit the kids or have play dates, take them places, they'd stay over and I'd stay over with them...more like a dog than a man. A play friend, a helper, but with no investment of my own. It felt good to me in a sense...because I was distance, but not committed. What man would do this? I treated them as my own family, an imaginary family, without the benefits of a real relationship and building my own. Eventually, she started dating other men seriously, I was still attached and was viewed as "it's just "X"". I met her boyfriends, I was happy for them. I was not aware of my blindness because it felt good, but odd and empty as well. The longer it went on, the less I felt of worth.
I was no lightbulb, that's for sure. I was being myself...who I was conditioned to be...my "yellow brick road" ended here in an empty field with no palace. But what's important to note is...it felt good in many ways! Joy was present, and was glad to give. I was deceived in myself and by her, in a relationship that just left me devoured down more and more to crumbs. She should have cut this off long ago, a healthy person would have, and I should have run if I had the self worth and vision. But letting go and accepting the loss was hard for me..I couldn't even see it, I couldn't even feel that, I don't like change. I had a fantasy family, and the consequence was, I lost the chance to make my own.
A Lost Decade
Once enmeshed, it's hard to get out and time flies by. Ten years in I would just accept time from them as I'd get it. A remote uncle I called myself...to make sense of it. Girls that came along got the cold shoulder as my emotions did not allow me to attach to them. There was no sex life, love was a fantasy. The kids were confused and didn't understand what I was to them. I didn't take drugs, I was a "normal" person.
There are two sides to a "relationship"...no matter what relationship we are talking about. The you...and the them. You need to be strong in who you are, on your purpose and goals. Know yourself, strengths, your weaknesses and work on the past issues/traumas may be influencing you...we all have them. Be aware of other people and their motives. If someone is on "meds", if it isn't what is good for you...you need to get out.
Clearly, it isn't all about the other person. I was afraid of rejection, I had my deep seated issues, I own. I accept responsibility for my flaws in allowing me to walk into the trap and not escape. But as well, she laid out a trap in this, she has her own emotional issues and other ways to control and keep me in her life, while taking of my own.
Lessons learned, don't keep X's around and dangling emotional relationships, they are poisonous. She took advantage of my weakness and played me by my love language..exactly what I wanted in my subconscious mind. I was none the wiser. Something can seem fun and loving, but is not, as it takes me nowhere towards my goal of finding a mate and having a family. I was a dumb, lost bug...doing what I thought I was supposed to do. She was manipulative, cunning, calculating...and it worked for her, with me and each one after that didn't escape.
The heart of the man
I burned up a relationship in 4 years, partly caused by the spider remaining in my heart. Even after that, the spider wasn't out of my life as I sought the connection and sense of love. No woman accepts X's around and it caused issues in my current relationship.
Be clear that women attach emotionally to men...to their hearts...love! If there is infection in those emotions, there is going to be pain which is multiplied and given back.
I suspect the spider knew exactly what she was doing as she'd work to screw me and ruin relationships, or just frankly, didn't care. Selfishness. My new girlfriend was wise to see the spider in my past, it was obvious to her, but I was very slow to remove the loving tentacle webs that were enmeshed into my heart. How does one undo from a sticky web of emotions that are lies...but feel good because of my childhood trauma? Ugh! I ignored the advice of friends and therapists to disassociate from the spider.
Words of wisdom: keep the emotions pure in your relationships. They are real, these are matters of the heart. Pay attention to signs along the way.
How to move on:
This could be a full book but in short: Identify, understand, suffer the loss, block, move on.
First be aware of the truth of the situation which may have to be discovered and torn off like a bandage. It is hard to see truth. Those inner emotions may be lying to you. The other person may not have your best interests in mind...do they love you...want the best for you...or do they love themselves? What are their issues? Are they reciprocating? Is this what you really want in life...recheck why you want that! Those were things I could have done with a therapist, but didn't.
It's so easy to fall prey to our wounded self image and do what the world programmed us to be... fear...control, rather than the dreams of our hearts that would give us a fulfilled life. This is why I so value the love of Christ...it gives life back, it's freeing. That's the whole point.
Conclusion
I'm still learning about myself...and growing, changing. I hope this article has helped someone to see their world in a different angle, to free them to have a better, more fulfilled life.
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What amazes me is that you're able to articulate these experiences. Despite all of this in yourvlife you seem to have found your self worth ( even though we're always a work in progress). Knowing you aren't central problem allows you to spot toxicity in others and save you and hopefully them as well from a lot of pain and wasted time.
I had great parents. And 4 great sisters. So i have very good models in my life of what a quality woman is.
I think this causes me trouble because my sisters are such strong women they clearly get the final say of what goes on in their marriages. But it would never appear that way to the untrained eye. It always looks like their husbands are in charge lol. I've also see what supporters they are of their husbands over the years. It's no wonder that none have been divorced and the shortest one in terms of being married has been 16 years.
This is why when i look out into the world i can spot a bad woman. Or at least a woman who hasn't realized her current toxicity.
Thank you. That's good feedback on how early life training and experience gives us the tools. I wasn't toxic, but I was screwed up. I guess it's like walking through the war zone, an emotional one... those who are trained well can do so safely, those who are not, are going to get hurt a lot, and then there are those who are just lucky/unlucky. well trained people make their own luck. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you. I do think there is a bad side to it. While it saves me heartache. I also think it prevents me from forming many relationships. Because as you can attest some people are damaged not completely broken. But if i see too many signs i refuse to give them a chance. And since women don't chase it makes it pretty easy to walk away. I guess i come across as that male version of a woman that waits for her perfect guy only to realize late in life no relationship is without bumps in the road. I don't care how compatible two people are.
two heads to a coin.. yes. I do think there are tradeoffs, you can grow in some relationships that are challenging but suffer as well in the process. you can be comfortable but stuck in some old emotions that don't serve you, limit you. I guess the biggest thing is to always look at ourselves and see if what we are doing is what we really want... and why. but that sounds selfish. so you are the unmarried son out of the group with 4 married, older sisters? are you the youngest and more introverted?
Nailed it.
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