I have a child, do I tell him?

[Anonymous]

I'm going on a first date with a guy after being single for a long time.

I don't think its really anything serious with this guy and I haven't yet told him that I have a 12 year old child as it hasn't come up in conversation.

Whats the etiquette with these things? its not serious so does he even need to know? (I wouldn't lie if asked) should it make a difference?

Guys, would you care about dating someone who has a child if its not serious?

[fiddle_dee_bea]

It's hard to decide when to introduce your child. I think it really depends on how the conversation are going. If it's really light and you think it won't be serious, I would wait. If it's getting more serious or if he asks, then, I would tell. I don't think you're hiding information. On the other hand, can the guy accuse you of lying because you didn't tell? If he's interested in you, he should be interested in all of you.

[Asker]

Yeah that's kinda what I think, and based on past experience I am inclined to wait and then if it comes up then tell-but then that looks like I was hiding the fact. So far the convo has just been lighthearted-we haven't really asked or told each other anything personal at all. But if we go on a second date I think may slip it in then, then we'll be forced to have "the talk". I dunno...

[greeneyedgal1]

Personally, I think it's better to be honest regardless of whether or not it will be serious or not. Let's say you had plans with him and you had to cancel because your child was sick or you had an emergency involving your child. These things have a way of surfacing. Besides, if he has an issue with you having a child then maybe it's better you find out now as opposed to later on.

The decision is yours.

[Asker]

Yes honesty is always good and as I've said I would never LIE. But as I said to kermit when I've told guys in the past its as if they think I want a step father for my child or something and they have tended to be put off even though I may only have wanted to date casually.

heres how convo has gone in the past

"....i went to see that film with my son"

"oh. Right...you have ...a kid. um, so are you married?....how old is it..hmm..o..k.."

then an awkward silence. but yes you are right. Thanks

[basilleaf]

What if you wait awhile to tell him, then you REALLY like him and he bails? Better do it when you're less invested. Basically your child becomes his child too if you're going to continue to date.

[Asker]

I see what you're saying but I just want to date casually right now. So from that point of view no, my child does not become his child at all, that's my whole point. I wouldn't have a new man a without first working on the relationship they themselve have with the guy. Lets face it, many relationship don't last outside of 6 months so he wouldn't be meeting my child before I'm sure about him and we decided we were gonna be serious anyway. But I agree, ill tell him

[Asker]

*wouldnt have a new man around my child

[KERMlT]

Figure out if he is worth a second date. You can ask him if he has any children, what his thoughts are of children, does he want a family in the future, etc. That leads it into the subject. It's not a bomb you are trying to pass off to him.

[Asker]

Yes, that's what friend said about the second date. That sounds like a great way to bring the subject up as I didn't want it to sound like a disclaimer lol (which is has in the past).

And I've noticed that telling a guy you have a child seems to result in the guy presuming he is being told because you want a step father your child- this then forces a premature conversation about the parameters of the relationship. Thanks for your answer

[KERMlT]

Well, if the guy freaks out then he probably wasn't the right one anyway. Some sites like OkCupid allow questions to be answered, some you can make mandatory before someone can contact you. You can also see what the person answered if they announce it publicly. My ex had a 4 year old daughter. Didn't stop me from dating her.

[John_Mathews]

yes