I made out with someone else and I have a boyfriend. I was drunk?

[Anonymous]

I feel so bad and guilty I really feel like he deserves to know. I’m scared to tell him because I’m worried he’ll think I’m some slag who can’t be trusted and break up with me which he would have every right to know. We have been together for 2-3 years and I love him so much. I was at a party with my girl friends and we all got so drunk. Long story short two of my girl friends started kissing and I laughed and looked at my mate. Then the other girls got involved and we were the only ones who hadn’t kissed another girl she said “fuck it” and leaned in and we started making out. I stopped and felt horrible I sobered up and left. I guess my excuse is I was drunk and she’s my mate and it was only as a laugh. But what should I do? Should I tell him? Would he break up with me?

Updates

+1 y

I’m also straight so have never felt an attraction to her and never will

[Miristheiss]

Of course you should tell him. You've done an intimate act with someone other than him. You broke the exclusive part of what makes you two a couple. He deserves to know what you are capable of, know that you are capable of getting drunk and lowering your inhibitions and betraying him when he isn't around and he deserves to decide to stay with you or end things based on the truth and not with deceit and lies with crucial things being hid from him.

[misterbater]

Bad advice

[Miristheiss]

@misterbater
You proceed from a mistaken premise. Your premise is do just do whatever it takes to keep the relationship together with zero bumps in the road or waves. You proceed from the lazy, selfish, immature notion that any type of adversity, any type of discomfort or pain or loss should be avoided no matter what. If the truth my bring pain, or it causes this relationship to end then therefore the truth is the "bad" advice, hiding things may keep things smooth and keep this duped guy around because he doesn't know.

Lying and hiding things from your mate with the sole agenda of keeping life smooth for her and keeping her guy is only selfishness. If she truly loved him she'd be willing to lose him rather than to dishonor him by lying to him and keeping things from him.

Saving this relationship at all costs isn't my premise. Being honest with each other and making life decisions based on truth rather than lies and letting the chips fall where they may is my premise.

[Asker]

I know and I will tell him I have too much respect for him to not. I feel awful. She leaned in, I was shocked, realised what was going on and pulled away. When I’m drunk I get slow and it takes me a while to realise what’s going on.

[misterbater]

My premise is ten years from now while she's returning home after dropping off their kids to grandmas both of them laughing when she tells him this versus him getting uncomfortable and mad and relationship spiralling into a disaster.

[misterbater]

What the hell were you drunk on. I've been drink like hell but my head and cognition was still clear, as clear as capable to solve a second order differential or recite the periodic table. Being drunk is no excuse for cheating. It never has been it never will be.

[Asker]

@misterbater okay maybe I was more than drunk but it will never happen again

[ChocolateCheesecake]

@misterbater exactly

[Asker]

@ChocolateCheesecake as I said in my reply to you “Hoenstly I took this thing and it makes everything go really slow and takes you a while to realise what’s going on. She leaned in, I was shocked, realised what was going on and pulled away. I will never take that drug again because it’s dangerous and I’ve realised how easily someone could take advantage of you whilst your on it. Not saying she was but other people could.”

[ecfresh]

Yes tell him. Honesty is the best policy. He likely will not break up with you. But more importantly he will work with you to identify why you did this and help you from doing it again. If you keep this a secret not only will it tear you up from guilt but you are likely to do something similar again in the future and again hurt someone you love as a result. Confess today and stop the pattern.

[Asker]

Believe me I’ll never do it again. She leaned in I was shocked and then realised what was going on and pulled away. I feel awful and hope he doesn’t see me differently

[ecfresh]

Wrong answer. You admitted to being drunk and like it or not when people are drunk their decision making goes haywire and they will make bad choices. You cannot guarantee that it will never happen again unless you never have another drink of alcohol. Again there is something inside you that allowed the kiss to happen and that is what I meant by a pattern. Just talk to your man, if he does see you differently it may humanize you even more and he should understand everyone makes mistakes. Likely he will want to be around more if there are chances you will get drunk in the short term to help keep you accountable. Because this only happened once and if you admit it to him freely instead of him finding out another way he should be able to process the information and realize you still love him and want to be with him.

[Asker]

But I know 100% it won’t happen again because I’m straight and didn’t even want it to happen. I pulled out as soon as I could but when I’m drunk I take a while to realise what’s going on

[ecfresh]

A friend of mine is a girl and when she gets drunk she will make out with practically anyone. Guy or girl, I have seen it happen lots of times. She is 100% straight, but at some point into the alcohol she clicks and then all bets are off. You may never kiss another girl but if you get drunk enough you may kiss a guy. When you talk to your boyfriend it would be good to go through some scenarios where you kissed a random guy when drunk or he kissed a random girl when drunk and figure out how the other person wants to handle those situations. In my case I have had to literally pick up my friend and drag her away from a random guy she had just met that night because he was about to go have sex with her... and her boyfriend thanked me later on for doing that.

Hopefully it was just a one time thing. It will make it easier on your boyfriend to process it and forgive you. You will mess up again and he will mess up (not kissing another person specifically) and you will both learn how to confess and seek forgiveness in your relationship. I just wanted to provide some more context as your boyfriend might also wonder when the next time you are drunk will be and who you will accidently be kissing.

[Asker]

But you don’t understand. I mean I wasn’t just drinking... and what I was doing I will never do again because it lead to me being slow and doing that

[ecfresh]

Ok so you took drugs and you drank. News flash lots of people do that. Some never do it again, but most will do it again. How do you know you boyfriend has never done that? Still the same advice applies, because if you don't tell him you will always have this deep secret and it will eat you up so much that you may eventually resent him for no good reason. Just talk to him about it, after 2-3 years of a loving relationship if he cannot handle this and actually does decide to break up with you then in the long run you saved yourself time being with someone who isn't going to stick with you when times get tough anyway.

[Asker]

I’ve told him

[ecfresh]

What did he say when you told him?

[Asker]

He understood and he was laughing at me for overthinking it. He’s been on the drug I was on and he said the same thing happened to him. He didn’t kiss someone but everything was moving really slow and he didn’t like it and went home. So he knows I didn’t actually want to kiss her and knows I’m completely straight and hated it.

[ecfresh]

.. And now you get to overthink what will happen the next time he takes that drug. Life goes on.

[Asker]

No he said he hasn’t done it since that time ans never will

[rafflesia]

thats not owning up to what you did, an yees tell you boyfriend be responsible, if you if get dumped that to bad it was your decision to do that when u are in a relationship you can't lie , relationships you neeed to be honest, have lots of trust and being yourself,
lying in your relationship can cause it to crumble fast

[Asker]

But it wasn’t my decision. I was off my head and more than drinking. I took this thing that makes everything feel slow and it takes a while for you to realise what’s going on. She leaned in, I was shocked, realised what was going on and pulled away

[SarahsSummer]

you need to tell him. Given that you are straight and he knows you are straight, I'd doubt he'd be as concerned with distrusting you over a girl as opposed to a making out with a guy.

[boggboss]

That's your consider not telling him shows u have no respect for him as u know he won't like hearing it and would hide it so that u can stay with him knowing you did him wrong and to blame it on you being drunk such a lame excuse and that is what it is a excuse if u didn't wanna do it u wouldn't off

[Asker]

I pulled away but I just didn’t know what to do. And I know it’s a shit excuse and so generic but I do have respect for him but I also have so much love for him and wouldn’t want to ruin that. I am definitely gonna tell him but I’ll admit I’m being hesitant because what we have is so special and the fact I’ve potentially ruined that kills me.

[boggboss]

If it was that special u wouldn't of kissed your friend saying it's generic is not the point I made u can 've drunk but knowing what u was gonna do was wrong is still there have u ever laid in front off traffic when drunk no because u know it would be dangerous blaming drukness is a weak excuse your hesitation is because u don't want him to leave you not because u love him

[Asker]

I don’t want him to leave me because I love him and like I said. She leaned in, I was shocked, realised what was going on and pulled away. I didn’t make the decision to kiss her and pulled away as soon as I realised what was happening. The reason why im mentioning I was drunk is because I’m quite slow when I’m drunk. I take a while to realise what’s going on but the moment I did I stopped it.

[boggboss]

If she kissed you and you didn't make out as u first stated nothing wrong was done🤨

[Asker]

But we technically did as it took me a while to realise what was going on

[boggboss]

What is a while?

[Asker]

Only about 3 seconds but I saw made out because she used tongue

[boggboss]

The way I see it if u feel u did somthing wrong then that's on you actions simple

[TonyBologna25]

Being drunk isn’t an excuse. I’ve literally been black out drunk and have never even come close to cheating. You gave into temptation and broke your commitment to your boyfriend. You cheated and your ass should be dumped. The right thing to do is to still tell him.

[Asker]

I know I feel awful. She leaned in and there was nothing I could do I was shocked and when I realised what was happening I pulled away. I’ve never felt attracted to her in that way and never will as I’m straights

[TonyBologna25]

There was something you could have done when she leaned in. You could have said no, and left the situation. Take responsibility for your actions, fess up, and move on from your mistakes. Trying to rationalize this or making excuses won’t benefit you or him.

[Asker]

I get that but I’m also really slow when I’m drunk and take a while to realise what’s actually going on or about to happen

[Anonymous]

This is the age of social media. If you think someone doesn't have either a video or an image of you kissing that girl then you are being naive. Either you tell him, or he will find out.

[Asker]

I’ve already told him but shit what if it gets out and his mum sees or his mates. What would they think?

[Opinion Owner]

The bigger picture here is the environment you placed yourself in, and the people you invited into your space. If you were in a better environment, there would be nothing to worry about.

[Anpu23]

The question I would ask, is who do you want him to hear it from. You or someone at the party? Further if he had done it to you, would you leave him?

[Asker]

I don’t know I wouldn’t even want to think about that

[Anpu23]

I think that is your answer, tell him, and prepare for the worst. It's up to him really at this point.

[Anon-ymous1]

Okay, so... so what.
Honestly if he's a guy that would get super angry or break up with you over that, then he's lame and kind of a dumbass, in my opinion.

[Asker]

Imagine if it was with a guy though

[Anon-ymous1]

Yeah... and... so what. He's an insecure ninny if that's that big a deal to him.

[Asker]

So you would let your girlfriend kiss other men?

[TonyBologna25]

Lmao let me get this straight.. you’d be cool with your girl making out with other people drunk? If other guys aren’t cool with that kind of behavior, they’re by default insecure?

[Anon-ymous1]

I wouldn't "let" her. If she did, I wouldn't be like happy about it or something, but it also wouldn't bother me that much-- she's mine, and she's made that very clear to me. What the fuck do I care if she kisses some dude at a bar or whatever when she's been drinking? I'm not the only guy on the planet that she's going to find attractive, because that would be a stupid thing to expect, and drinking lowers inhibitions. I'd simply ask her: Do you like me any less? Do you feel any differently about me? No? Okay, so... why would I care. It's like a few moments of time compared to the years we've been together. Why would a few moments be more important than a few years. It's a retarded way to think, and people get all mad about that stuff merely because people are emotionally insecure and not very bright.

[TonyBologna25]

You don’t see that as someone disrespecting you and betraying your trust?

[Anon-ymous1]

@TonyBologna25 I see it exactly as ^ I just worded it. This isn't hard.

[TonyBologna25]

You're saying this on the assumption that people don't have emotions. Insecurity onset after infidelity is a normal and rational reaction.

[Anon-ymous1]

@TonyBologna25 ... What are you talking about. "You're saying this on the assumption that people don't have emotions." Uh... what? I never said anything like that. "Insecurity onset after infidelity is a normal and rational reaction." 1) So fucking man up instead of being a ninny about it, and 2) how about you actually talk things over with her instead of just getting mad like a little kid?

[TonyBologna25]

Yeah, sure, you can man up and move past it... but it's still a blow to ones confidence. If someone you're emotionally invested into seeks physical intimacy elsewhere while promising to stay committed to you only, then it's going to onset some insecurity and make it harder to trust that person.

[Anon-ymous1]

@TonyBologna25 She/he gets drunk and kisses a stranger at a bar or a party. We're not talking about years'-long affairs carried out under the nose. "A blow to one's confidence" can be repaired, and if your confidence is that low, perhaps we should look INWARD rather than outward to find the cause of that.

[TonyBologna25]

That's a very human and normal reaction to betraying someones trust and commitment. You're pretty much saying if you feel anything after being cheated on, you're a ninny. I'm saying that only someone who doesn't experience emotions could actually follow through with that. Or-- someone who wasn't emotionally invested into that other person. How you deal with that insecurity is what defines you as a person.

[TonyBologna25]

A monogamous relationship is an agreement and a commitment with loyalty and trust. Breaking that commitment even when feeling tempted is obviously going to hinder any dynamic of trust they once had. You're denying this? Of course that would make anyone feel insecure.

[Anon-ymous1]

@TonyBologna25 Sigh. Whatever man. Good luck.

[TonyBologna25]

I was cheated on by my fiance, and it was forsure a betrayal of a trust. Bottom line is that we had an agreement, and she didn't respect it or me. She devalued my feelings and what we had for a selfish temporary moment of lust. I left her because she didn't respect me. She begged for me back, and I didn't take it. Met a girl 100x better and I'm engaged again. I made the right move, because she actually respects me and our relationship. Just because it made me feel like shit at first, does that mean I'm a pussy? I don't think so. I manned up and made a decision to leave her ass. If she wants to hookup with strangers, then she can go ahead and do it, but just leave me out of it.

[TonyBologna25]

I still get random sluts hitting me up from when I was in college. Do they look good? Fuck yeah they do. Would I fuck them if I was single? Fuck yeah I would. I don't do it though. I don't do it because I value my woman and her feelings and our relationship a lot more than that. I respect her way too much to do that. People do have self control and it monogamy is possible.

[Asker]

Look I know you two are having your own little argument. But just to clear things up I wasn’t just drunk. And one of the things I took makes you have a slow reaction timing. She leaned in, I was shocked, realised what was going on and pulled away. I will never take it again because someone could really take advantage of you whilst your on it

[Anon-ymous1]

There's no argument. And I stopped having it. There's nothing to say in response to what he's saying other than "whatever man," which I already said.

[DrHonesty]

Make it up with some extra naughty fetish themed sexual favours and let him flog you or spank you until you feel like your punishment is complete. Should fix everything up good.

[ChocolateCheesecake]

I don't get it, and I don't believe when people say they didn't know what they were doing.

[Asker]

Hoenstly I took this thing and it makes everything go really slow and takes you a while to realise what’s going on. She leaned in, I was shocked, realised what was going on and pulled away. I will never take that drug again because it’s dangerous and I’ve realised how easily someone could take advantage of you whilst your on it. Not saying she was but other people could.

[Anonymous]

"I’m worried he’ll think I’m some slag who can’t be trusted"

No point in being worried about the inevitable

[Asker]

I hoenstly feel awful

[Northern_star]

being drunk is no excuse, u know that. tell him, however bad the consequences might be its still better for u that to bear that cross.

[MarketData]

If you value your relationship don't tell him anything.

[MarketData]

Wait, you kissed another girl? That doesn't even count! lol

[Asker]

It does I still kissed someone other than him

[Anpu23]

Until someone else at the party tels him. This wasn't a private setting, people saw, and they will talk.

[Anonymous]

I doubt he would break up with you for that but probably best just not to tell him

[Asker]

I can’t not tell him I feel horrible

[Opinion Owner]

Well then just tell him

[Asker]

Yeah but it’s gonna be fucking hard

[Opinion Owner]

What what you did wasn't that bad my girlfriend's done worse and I forgave her for it

[misterbater]

You can use my advice sister - DON'T TELL HIM !!!

[misterbater]

Oh wait it was a girl. Yeah... no I wouldn't break up for that. But still, don't tell him.

[Anpu23]

Until someone else at the party tels him.

[Tim-loves-it]

So.. dont tell him.