Had a falling out with my sister last September and I have no desire to talk to her. After months my niece reaches out and I ignore her. Is it okay?

[Anonymous]

My niece is 12 and lives part time with my sister out of state and part time with her dad here in our city. The falling out was in September of 2021 and not once did my niece bother telling her dad to bring her to come visit or anything. I haven’t heard a word from her since September. Yesterday my sister came to visit my mom and my niece came but I was in my room working and didn’t come out. While they were outside my niece came in and tried knocking on my door crying asking me to open the door but I ignored it. I understand it’s not her fault what happened with my sister and I but in a way I no longer want any type of connection with my sister. As for my niece, she had since September to ask her dad to bring her to visit and she didn’t do it (she’s asked him in the past and he listens) so yesterday when she randomly came knocking I felt like it was too late in a way. My other sister says it’s for the best to keep my distance because last year I hit an all time low due to that drama and quite honestly don’t wish to open that chapter anymore.

[ohshee]

No it's not okay your niece has done nothing to you I think you you should really evaluate the whole situation again and you know what it doesn't matter if you're wrong or right what matters is the person that can say that who cares what happened are you big enough person to accept the honest truth or a big enough person to accept the honest truth from somebody else that won't admit it that's what learning is all about that's why you and your sister had this falling out because one of you cannot be human enough to admit that you're wrong it's okay to admit that you're wrong if you were the one there's nothing wrong with that it makes you a bigger better person when you can do that don't take it out on your niece my nieces and my nephew's we are so tight because they can come to me and talk to me about anything they can't talk to their parents about you're taking it out on the wrong people so that tells me you should take a better look at yourself I'm not saying that you're wrong or you're right it's somewhere somebody has to give him become a bigger better person that's what life is about experiencing the things that happen to us and then also what happens when this does happen how do you handle it that's what life is all about how are you going to handle this to make it right whether you're right or wrong it does not matter it's how you handle the whole situation

[Drumlin2001]

Sounds like a very had way to treat an innocent child. Not sure what the issue is but it sounds like you're handling it badly

[Asker]

I felt that way too. How should I have handled it and how should I process the fact that she nor her father reached out to me since September of last year? They could’ve of easily contacted me or she could’ve came over but nothing was said or done.

[Drumlin2001]

She's a kid. Her mother no doubt is in her ear. She's in a bad situation. She's not to blame. I'm sure you could have reached out somehow to her if you had really wanted.
She's coming of age, she'll have her own mind. You should reach out and apologise to her. Right now you've pushed her back into camp mom. You need to act or you may never recover things with her

[Asker]

Yeah, I agree. My sister has definitely been in her ear. In fact, the day of the falling out right in front of me out of the nowhere, knowing it had nothing to do with my niece, she told me I would never see her again. Later on the next day I heard her brainwashing her against me. I guess at that point I gave up and let it be. In my mind she’s my sister’s daughter and I need to respect that and not step on my sister’s toes reaching out to her daughter without her consent.

[Drumlin2001]

That's understandable to a point, but you can't then be blaming your neice and former brother in-law. From their perspective you made no effort so how are they to know you want them to reach out.

[Asker]

You’re right. You are absolutely right.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

Not sure what happened between you two but for you to distance yourself and ignore your niece seems a bit extreme. It’s difficult for children growing up to understand why their family members aren’t talking/ignoring each other completely. I don’t think your niece really deserves the fallback for the issues you and your sister have with each other.


It’s okay to distance yourself from your sister, for whatever reason you believe is best. However, later on it might be regretted, because regardless of what happened, you two are still sisters… Nothing can change that. I think it’s up to you to decide if you want to completely cut off everything relating to your sister, but I will go back and mention your niece once again. She doesn’t deserve that. She didn’t do anything wrong, I assume, so don’t punish her for that.

[Asker]

You’re right. How should I feel about her not reaching out to me since September? She and her dad have easy access to me and nothing was said or done…. that hurt me more but I kept silent.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

I understand. I think it might be a situation where it’s like “I wanna protect my ego, so I won’t message first. She can message first” so maybe they’re waiting for you to reach out?

It might be best to go slow and try to ease into contact. Like spending time with your niece, and maybe having her hang out more often, then spell ease into talking with her dad and then with your sister?

[Emilyis]

Your niece wants to see you. she misses her aunt. what is between you and your sister is between the both of you, not your niece. Let the niece in. she needs a hug.

[abc3643]

NO!

KIDS ARE INNOCENT IN YOUR DRAMA - THEY SHOULD NOT SUFFER FOR IT.

This is definitely an "AITA" question, and the answer is YES.

She's 12, not an adult!

As for your sister, be as shitty with each other as you want.
My sister and I are estranged.
But you don't punish kids for it and, worse, teaching them by example to become assholes themselves.

So...

Be civil and loving to your niece, but act like an adult. At "18-24", I realize that's probably difficult.
You don't have to discuss the situation with your sister/her mother, but you do need to be otherwise loving and supportive.

REMEMBER:

YOUR SOLE PURPOSE ON THIS PLANET IS TO:
1. CREATE THE NEXT GENERATION.
2. RAISE THEM TO ADULTHOOD.
3. ... AND PART OF THAT IS TO TEACH THEM HOW TO TEACH THE NEXT GENERATION AFTER THEM.
4. HELP RAISE AND PROTECT ALL SUBSEQUENT GENERATIONS.

[Asker]

Yeah, that’s true but how should I feel about my niece and her father not reaching out to me since December? They both have easy access to me and nothing was said or done since September. She could’ve easily told him…I want to go visit my aunt, like she’s done before, but it didn’t happen. To be honest, this hurt me more than the actual falling out with my sister.

[abc3643]

THIS:
"How should I feel about my niece and her father not reaching out to me since December?"

is an example of immaturity. (My wife is 64 and she does it too.)

SHE'S 12. She is innocent, no matter what. That's the difference between being a child and being an adult: adults are responsible for the decisions they make; children are not.

As for her father...
1. It is NONE of his business.
2. He's being smart and staying out of the drama between you and your sister.
3. If he talks to you during this time of family dysfunction, he risks more drama in his life including possibly legal crap. Thus, he's being Switzerland and officially neutral.

If you were an adult for a while, you'd know and innately understand what I just wrote and thus not ask the question "How should I feel about my niece and her father not reaching out to me since December?"

[Asker]

Wouldn’t I be out of line reaching out to my niece against my sister’s wishes?

[abc3643]

Yes... and no.

If the sister doesn't want it, then, in principle, you have to abide by that for legal reasons otherwise she might get a restraining order against you.

At the same time, the girl needs to know that you are not upset with her, miss her and wish you could be with her, but, that, for right now, that can't happen. When the girl asks why, you tell her that she ask to ask her mother the answer to that question.

[abc3643]

You can talk to the father about that.

[Honesttguy]

What are you 12 or something? Oh he didn't talk to me so im not gonna talk to them what the actually mentslly fuk is that? Toxiiiic
I have went on for years not communicating with some of my family members and when i do there no drama like u have, we are all matured enough to keep going forward and not cry like babies

[Guy13]

Taking it out on niece is immature. It’s evident that you and sister share in the blame.

[Asker]

Taking it out on my niece would be blaming her…which I’m not because I love my niece. What did hurt me is that after months she chooses to reach out now when I’ve moved on. I needed her to reach out last year when I spent months broken because of what happened. It just seemed odd that she chose now and not before.

[Ringstretch]

You may regret falling out in years to come, much better to work out the problem

[Asker]

You think so?

[Ringstretch]

Been in that situation

[Asker]

What happened in your situation?

[moviedude714]

Do you think you and her will patch things up?

[Asker]

To be honest…no. Lines were crossed that I doubt I’ll ever forget. I’m not hurt, more so…. that day helped me see things for what they were and now that I know, I’d rather keep my distance than be around someone that secretly trying to hurt me.

[moviedude714]

So you feel the bridge is burned for eternity?

[Asker]

I don’t have any interest in associating with her anymore. I have trust issues as it is already and after what happened I was able to see things for what they were…I’m taking it for what it is. Nobody that cares for me will maliciously try to hurt me.

[moviedude714]

I take it as the bridge is burned for eternity

[carminewantsreal]

Shouldn't hold any beef but that's just me