Why do women hold on to men who are not good for them?

[ManOnFire]

I do talk about this on GaG from time to time, but I ask this seriously. What is the psychology behind it? Why do so many women find it hard to let go of men who are users or cheaters, even after they find out what the guy is? I have known so many women over the years with this problem.

I even know one right now in real life. This woman has found out now what a pathetic piece of shit this guy is she was sleeping with, yet she finds it incredibly hard to give him up and she literally has to remind herself of the reasons why he is clearly garbage, just to stay strong and not text him. At one point she was even in her feelings and drinking because he left her on Read more than once! Which he did on purpose.

For me, I don't care what connection I had with some woman or how I thought the world of her before, when I find out what a serpentine piece of shit she is I let go and don't look back. But why is it that so many women become enslaved to obsession with no good guys?

[PJH359]

I have hands on experience in this area so here goes. My best friend is twelve years older than me and he married a beautiful woman who was my age at the time. In other words when she and I were 18 he was 30. So I’ve known her for 30 years in that capacity of being my buddy’s wife. I think they may have made it 7 or 8 years and they were done…and it wasn’t a pretty divorce either. So anyway, obviously I saw him just about everyday for something or another. But Sue, maybe once a year and limited to pleasantries. To my absolute devastation, he passed away last summer. I’m still beside myself but that’s an entirely different story.
Sue called out of the blue and gave me that news. When I saw her at the memorial she looked really beautiful and there was definitely a mutual attraction there. So I dated her for the duration of that year.
We wanted to keep things quiet and at the same time “open” to see others if desired. I was mostly exclusive to Sue but I had a couple of girls that I would see on the side. She on the other hand had a boyfriend that she just couldn’t stay away from. This guy was one of the most abusive alcoholic non-employed losers I had ever seen in my life. He would beat her on a regular basis and have the bruises and scars to prove it. I would ask her all the time why she bothers with this guy and she never had a real good answer. She would just sigh and say I can’t help it I love him. I never pushed the issue because I really didn’t care. But it intrigued me why so many women turn down men like myself who will treat her like a Lady and instead opt for the abusive man who will never change and always be a monster. So based on a couple of things I read it stems from their childhood most of the time. They had some kind of a negative relationship with a family member a father, a brother, an uncle that was abusive and a lot of times the punisher was always the rewarder. Think of getting locked in a closet by somebody and then being let out 15 minutes later by that same person. When they lock you in there they are the abuser. When they let you out they are a savior. So according to the few articles I’ve read, these types of women will almost always choose destructive relationships because they thrive on the “making up” part of the whole ordeal.
I have since stopped seeing her and of course she has conveniently ended up right back with him. The way I see it now is if that’s what she really wants then that’s what she deserves. Thank you

[ManOnFire]

Wow, really sad.

[Anonymous]

The guy usually has an emotional leverage on the woman and abuses it.

One thing is for sure. The guy is never as much into her as vice versa. He’s a “challenge” and his emotions are unclear. That in itself is unfortunately very attractive to women.

Now it is human nature to assume that “if it’s hard to get its higher value”. Men too can get turned off if the girl is overly attentive, available and openly loves him too much. I’ve been in that scenario once and remember slapping myself in the mirror over it. But the vast majority of the time I encountered women who are the exact opposite. I think these women assume that being a “challenge” to men makes them more desirable. But many go way too far with that crap

Anyway men have generally been conditioned to be “nice” to women both by old school chivalry and toxic shame/guilt by feminism. So most semi-attractive to very attractive women are used to guy’s kissing their asses. So when a manipulative asshole comes along who doesn’t really care for her via “I don’t give a shit” behavior. This self destructive behavior is befuddling and backward.

Anyway I don’t have a problem with women dating assholes. If you want to be stupid be my guest. But what I have a very big problem are women who chase toxic men, get burned and then cry victim to everybody about it (and blame men in general). Male bashing feminism is deeply motivated by embittered women who can’t take responsibility for their poor dating choices. It’s always easier just to blame the entire gender for your problems.

[ManOnFire]

This makes a lot of sense.

[Jennyjenjen_420]

I believe it’s because women (some men do this too) hold out false hope that their partner will change one day. Women (some men too) create fantasies in their head about their partner and then they get disappointed when their partner don’t meet that expectation or fantasy. Because of that fantasy land it brings out that hope. I can blame men too but why when a woman has just as much power to end a relationship as the man. I can only speak on behalf of women as I am a woman and have been guilty of this a time or two. A lot of women run on emotions rather than logic and it’s not a good idea but some (not all) women are wired that way and cannot always control it. I’ve had to learn how to take things at face value and not try to see the future fantasy land that I wish to create one day in a man who may not want the same things in life as I do. Instead I’ve learned to look for men who have the same goals as I. I also have to remember actions speak louder than words. This is just my take on the subject.

[melanieeeB]

I think mostly it's cause of insecurities and some also have some attachment issues and haven't worked on that and maybe also other personal problems too.

If you're confident in yourself and learned what is healthy, you don't stay and put up with all that bullshit.

[ManOnFire]

I think the same thing.

[Gopnik]

Personally i believe its a mix between what you said and past trauma's and or bad relationships with their dads, dads are usually the ones the set boundaries showing to their kids whats wrong and where to set the line, parenting is like ying and yang, lose one and the other takes over in all its good and bad ways.

[love_conquers_lust]

Wouldn’t really know. Some of the replies in this thread are messed up. I only have a theory. Looks like these perpetual boys are found by these perpetual girls who seek to “break them in” to men, then apparently they sometimes lose attraction to them if that happens. They both come from problematic upbringings and they find one another and engage in a battle of wills. Like society’s self defense mechanism to rectify them. And a giant middle finger from women to men like that for abusing them in the first place.

I’m guessing wiser and intelligent women will sniff them out before they can do any damage. The more innocent and naive ones will probably be blindsided by them but eventually drop them like a bad habit. Whatever the case, those boys needed discipline from their fathers long ago. There will probably always be a small segment of the population that goes through this cycle until we eliminate single parent households or recreate two parent households artificially. Which probably means engineering a way around higher mortality rates for men.

[BullShark]

I feel for you my dude, and I must say that I myself have experienced women in the past who are this way as well, and one of whom I'm still in touch with occasionally to this day. Long story short, she's a great person to know, really sweet and caring at heart, and I had feelings for her for the longest time too, but she still has feelings for her abusive ex, knowing full well that he's a piece of shit person and damaged her mentally and emotionally.

I never really got to know the answer myself as to why she was like this or what she saw in the guy because he had literally zero redeemable qualities to him. A few other female friends whom I know had an answer to this which I'll share with you now. They told me that there are a multiple number of reasons why a woman would choose to be this way. One of them and the most obvious one is that said women are attracted to assholes because of all the cheesy high school romances they've seen where the female lead catches feelings for the popular and hot badboy who isn't really bad but had a messed up upbringing or some shit and that her love changes him for the better and turns him into the best boyfriend ever. Now that I read it out loud, it sounds like one of the most hilarious most outlandish shit you'll ever hear, but it's true to an extent.

On a more darker note, another reason why girls hold on to such men might also be because he brainwashed them into thinking that they're unattractive and not good enough, and that they're the only ones who would love and accept them, which is just straight up toxic and abusive behavior but a lot of psychopaths do this to keep the girl tied to them. They damage their personality so much so that they feel uneasy when they're without them and they don't see themselves as attractive to other men even if there may be tonnes of guys out there who would love and cherish them for them.

[Pegases]

It boils down to how differently we are wired. Men are most attracted to a woman's physical beauty, and women are most attracted to a mans confidence. Men are often manipulated by beautiful women until they've been red pilled so to speak, and learn to qualify a woman based on her character, rather than exclusively her looks or sex appeal. And women are often manipulated by confident men, until they learn to qualify a man based on his character, rather than his confidence or status. It really boils down to people not being very good at the vetting process. Lastly, women are often tough for men to understand because women operate on emotion, while men operate on logic. We try understanding them through our logical lens, but to understand them, you have to switch the lens, and it will start to make more sense.

[Anonymous]

Women are overly emotional. This is good for bonding but bad when you're a woman who is very bad at choosing quality guys. Most of these women have very little idea of what constitutes a "good man".

Here's a video that helps explain why we choose bad partners. It may not fix the problem. But understanding the problem is the first step. And most people don't even realize that they're the problem.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Hvysy11716g

[ManOnFire]

I am gonna have sit down and watch this, looks interesting.

[Anonymous]

she's just ‘in love’, blind, can’t see/understand what her friends say. Hold onto every breadcrumb he gives (even if what he gives is garbage). its emotional not rational so very hard to understand.
i know the feeling even being hit is better than being left (that’s the extreme ofc), cause in a way that means that he ‘cares’, she would tell you that he cares in his own way. She’d tell you he has issues etc and find excuses for his behavior and blame herself for not being good enough for him. Ultimately it’s a deep lack of self worth somewhere (even if they look confident in other areas of life) and probably steams for fears of abandonment. The upside is that it’s an opportunity/an attempt to readdress/fix past traumas.

The guys treating them like shit are no better and they do have issues too.

[Anonymous]

That's most likely due to having created a SOULTIE. A SOUL TIE is usually someone you have built good memories with (whether it was real or not), shared oxytocin and vassopressin with, and also he probably made promises to her , etc, etc. Also, women are more likely to be desparate for relationships than do men are. I think men are more lone wolves so to speak. Women, women WANT and usually cannot wait to start a family with the beautiful husband, the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog/cat, etc. Some of them don't know when to wake up unfortunately.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for the compliment.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Various factors can be involved in such situation.

#1: She's totally dependent on him financially and is stuck with him.

#2: She desperately fears loneliness.

#3: She believes she can change him for the better in time.

#4: She has low esteem and doesn't believe she deserves better.

#5: She's a idiot.

[ManOnFire]

I feel like 5 is the most correct lol.

[globetrotter22]

Again I don’t hold it against women for making stupid decisions. But when it comes down to it:

1) Women generally have more options then men when all else is equal. They pass up better respectful men because they want the “challenge” of the asshole

2). The writing is usually on the wall that this won’t end well. But women cling on longer than men do because they enjoy the hope and challenge of “changing him”

3) When they ultimately get screwed over most (but not all) can’t take responsibility for their stupid decisions. Instead they blame all men

4) Assholes get rewarded for their behavior and keep doing it. Genuine guys increasingly become frustrated, angry and often misogynistic. They got punished and rejected for doing what women “say” they want.

5) Women get embittered from suffering abuse that could of been avoided if they made better dating decisions. Some of them go to blame all men vía feminism.

Now it doesn’t always work out like that above. Not all women are stupid but honestly too many of them equate abusive asshole men with masculinity.

[ManOnFire]

@globetrotter22 Perfectly put!

[Rose_84]

I don't sympathize with the ones who don't treat their close female friends with same amount of care.

Some bitches sabotage their own sisters but will get abused, used and STILL run behind that guy.

[ManOnFire]

Yep, and it's sick and sad.

[wolfcat87]

We know that the grass is not always greener, and the devil you know is often times better than the devil you don't know. Personally, as long as he's helping me meet life goals, I would still put up with a man who is "no good for me". Whether that's financially, as a partner in business or in bed, as a co-parent, etc. It all amounts to someone who is still contributing something good to my life. Why jump ship unless we already have something better lined up? On the other hand, there are some women with far less confidence and mental issues. There are also women who are just so biologically hardwired to bond too tightly to one person, and it's physically excruciating for them to be away from that person. Women have our reasons, and those reasons are not all the same. Also, what you think is good for a woman might not fit her priorities in life. My brother said it best when he said, "We don't all want to be like you or live the life you live."

[dolemite89]

Cuz women run more off of emotions and how a guy makes them “feel”. They tend to choose bad boys that are exciting and toxic when they’re young then try to settle down with some one more stable and boring to provide “security” as they get older 😂

[ManOnFire]

I wonder how long the trend will last. I feel like this is largely a western woman thing but I don't really know.

[John_Doesnt]

Some cultures raise women wrong and many parents raise women wrong. It's mainly women who were spanked or hit or smacked that grow up to date abusive men. When they see their father use violence they assume it's okay for men to use violence on women to solve their problems. It's barbaric, but many people still raise their kids that way.

[Anonymous]

Lmao I feel like im legit going through this rn. Im missing my ex from time to time, who lead me on and treated me like shit, despite the fact that Im with a really great guy that adores me.

I personally think what I miss, is the chase. The guy Im with currently did not play 'hard to get', which made it feel like he was less worthy (which he isn't), or that he was desperate. It took me awhile to trust this, as I was used to dating guys that treated me like garbage. The chase, or the idea of obtaining something that was 'unattainable', was exciting and fun, but it also lead to a relationship filled with distrust and anxiety.

I read an article that described this as the "misattribution of arousal", a study conducted by Schachter and Singer (1962). Its a really interesting read if you're into psychology. :)

[Rockstarrrrr]

I swear I never understood how people take shit from their S. O and keep going... I find it so pathetic and just weak... always been a head scratcher for me... Generally Women get more attached when they're in love... it seems like once they really like you.. Nothing else matters... they can shut down their brain sometimes... So they hang on the very last hope before they let go...

[Lookingforthetruth]

"Why do so many women find it hard to let go of men who are users or cheaters, even after they find out what the guy is? I have known so many women over the years with this problem."

It has to do with hypergamy which runs female basic action in dating. A man who is a user, cheater etc often have a singular thing in common.

They don't put women on a pedestal and give out their attention freely. Just like women can use their sex appeal to get what they want from men, a male's power comes from his time, money and attention he delegates towards a woman.

Contrast this with simps, beta males, manginas and so forth. They all end up doing badly in dating and getting a girl who walks all over them or treats them like shit because they put women on a pedestal.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/bX9uEzms0W0

Women don't like being with men they suspect or know to be beneath them.

[Lookingforthetruth]

They will disrespect the shit out of you, cheat on you and leave you if she thinks you are beneath her. This is why common dating behavior such as monkey branching occurs; when a woman is looking to trade up. Shit test are also done by women for to keep checking that you are the high value male that she considers you to be and you won't bend over and take her shit. Sadly, too many men get comfortable in relationship and just want peace and fail these shit test leading to dead room marriages and/or divorces.

[jasco]

Feelings is what causes both men and women to not want to do something. Yea logically its right to do something but emotional responses tend to have a bigger pull even more so when it comes to loving someone. You love that person and usually when we do so, we tend to look at the best instead of both the best and the worst

[Reaper1985]

many girls think they can change a bad guy into a good one. typically it fails or once they do they no longer desire him.

[ManOnFire]

Right! There is a literal quote from Marlene Dietrich that says "Most women set out to change a man, and once they have changed him they do not like him."

[MTC29]

I've heard a lot of thirtysomething women say (to the effect) that "I don't want to be alone."

That in many cases they allow themselves to be treated like shit remains a mystery to me.

[mobiusforniner]

Because the prospect of being loved is better than not being loved at all. A woman would remain in a situation against all logic and reason simply because it makes her feel loved, even if she can find better, it doesn't matter

[Adam_INTJ]

The devil you know is better than the devil you don't.

Also, when a breakup requires moving out and finding another place to live, it's very difficult to decide to do.

Is an annoying boyfriend worse than not having a place to live for a month? And moving your stuff out?

The breakup is a hard sell in that situation.

[ManOnFire]

I guess the easy answer would be they should've chosen better to begin with.

[melaniee789456123]

I'm sure this might be confusing or make no sense, but regardless of a woman holding on to a man, a man holding onto a woman, or practically anyone of any gender or identity holding onto an individual, I think it's due to emotional attatchment.