How are some ways you like to calm down?

[Anonymous]

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I like to challenge my negative thoughts patterns as soon as they occur. It can sometimes take me up to 10 minutes to succeed when I'm really upset. Yet most of the time, it only takes me a minute or so.

I just explore ways to interpret the event that upset me differently until I find the interpretation that seems the most realistic, positive, and practical all at the same time.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Sometimes humorous interpretations help too. Like if I remember a memory that upsets me, like an embarrassing one, I start to feel bad about it but then I think to myself, "Oh, I was such a silly goof back then! What a dumbass!" and smile and laugh about it.

[Asker]

I meant when you're anxious/stressed out not angry lol

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Same thing for me like if I was having a stressful day at work, in the past I used to have negative thoughts like, "This is bullshit! This is so stressful and awful!" Then I'd feel stressed and awful. So once I learned how to reframe my thoughts this way, I learned when I caught myself thinking this way to instead think like, "Wow, this is a very challenging day!" After that, I didn't get much stress because words like "challenging" actually motivate me and encourage me compared to words like "stressful, awful".

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Also I used to be afraid of getting rejected when asking girls out on a date. So the way I got over that fear of rejection was to change my ideas of rejection from bad to good. It's a good thing to be rejected! Because we now know that we're not the girl's type. That's valuable information we gain. So whether a girl accepts us or rejects us, it's a win-win situation, not a win-lose situation. After I learned to reframe my thinking, I completely lost any fear of rejection.

Same idea with applying for new jobs. Rejection is a good thing, not a bad thing.

[StarWarGirl]

Wao... That's really an interesting way.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

@StarWarGirl Cheers! It's something I started to do after studying about Stoicism, like this:


Also my wife is Buddhist and there's a great deal of overlap there:


We also reinforce each other's positive thinking that way. When one of us is starting to think in a negative way, the other corrects it and points out a more positive way to look at the same thing.

[StarWarGirl]

But isn't it tough to? Even thinking about trying it I am finding it tough. How much time did it took for you to get used to this method so that you could able to do it with ease?

[StarWarGirl]

My life right now is like full surrounded in negativity only. At least accepting that I'm in tough surrounding is a little bit comforting but same time it also makes me anxious to think like this. I want to change this but right now when I'm trying to think like you that "wao it's very challenging" it's frustrating me. Because I'm totally already frustrated with my situation fighting and fighting.

But ok I would try. I would try again.

Thankyou for giving me a silver line of hope.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

@StarWarGirl The beginning was the toughest for me and like an uphill battle. It starts to get easier and easier with time. The first thing I had to learn to do was pause in the moments when I'm stressed, upset, or angry since my strong temptation was to move, to take action, to speak.

So the first and ultimate lesson I had to make was pause. "This is bullsh... [PAUSE]" Once I got the hang of that, I initially just started asking if the actions I was tempted to do (complain, shout, get angry, etc) were productive and helpful or the opposite. They were usually the opposite. Then I just asked what's actually productive? The positive thoughts started to follow.

It's probably very subjective but my biggest source of stress and anger was the feeling of something being unfair. It didn't even have to be me being treated unfairly; if I saw someone else being treated unfairly, I'd get just as upset or sometimes more.

So one of the toughest pills for me to swallow (and maybe not all need to swallow this pill) was to make peace with the idea that life isn't fair. Or another way to think about it is, who can even tell what's fair in the first place? We can't predict the future, and we're not omnipotent gods able to know everyone's past and everyone's future and say what is or isn't fair. So, for the most part, I think perfect fairness is at least an elusive concept even if there is such a thing.

When I made peace with that, I stopped getting upset over what I perceived to be unfair treatment. Instead if I saw something counter-productive happening, I asked how to make the situation "better" for me or others, not "fair". "How do I improve this situation?" Not, "How do I make it fair?"

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

@StarWarGirl There are all sorts of things like this and I can probably ramble your ear off. I'm also not sure if it even applies to other people as much or if this was just my personally relevant way of working through my most negative tendencies and patterns. Yet the first and foremost thing I just needed to do was pause.

I'm not one for meditation. I tried it before and I just wanted to doze off. 😂 So I prefer to just do this on the fly as these thoughts appear. Meditation seems to work for some people though.

[StarWarGirl]

Hmm I think I should also start fighting with my thoughts myself. Yes to think like victim is comforting and cozy sometimes but it's like termite.

I'm trying. I'll will try again. Thankyou. Reading your comment I know now it's possible. So now I have reason to fight with my negative thoughts. So thanks.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

@StarWarGirl Hope they start working for you! One of the ultimate things that was mind-blowing to me even though it seems like common sense to me now (but it wasn't until I was close to my mid-20s) is that how we think ultimately governs how we feel. I used to think I was helpless but to feel but I feel since it didn't even occur to me that I could change the whole pattern of how I thought.

Yet once I realized it was possible, I started to be able to change my entire life and way of looking at everything. Initially it was just a baby step here and there. Over the years I started to make bigger strides. I'm still admittedly a work in progress; it's a lifelong journey as I see it. But once you start the journey, things can start to become better. Again, it's all in the way we think.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

[*] I used to think I was helpless but to feel [what] I feel [...]

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

@StarWarGirl This is a little introduction to Stoic philosophy if you ever have the time and interest. It also mentions briefly how Stoicism was the inspiration behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Studying CBT or even seeing a pro trained in it might be the quickest way to reframe our negative thought patterns (unfortunately psychotherapy isn't popular in Japan so I learned to become my own self-therapist since I'm allergic to the idea of taking mood stabilizers), yet Stoicism can give a more complete philosophical framework:
https://youtu.be/o0MzQZ_eFEY

[dustybiker2]

One of the main reasons I ride motorcycles. Best therapy on the planet (as far as I've found, yet) It requires total concentration, so you don't have room to think of your grow-up responsibilities. Mental vacay.

[bobalife]

taking a pause, deep breathing, arts, music, walks in nature, or some space.