A girl lied about her name & looks to me for many months online-she doesn't know I know yet. How do I tell her?

[rocketman5988]

To make a very long story short, I met a girl online last fall 2010. We didn't talk much, and drifted apart. Spring of 2011 we started to talk more and more, and despite my efforts to not let it, I began to like her. We talk more, and eventually became very close through the summer of 2011. I've been trying to meet her for months, and each time, it hasn't worked out. At the moment now, we are have many problems and trying to work things out, but not talking for a few days.

That's all she knows. After doing a lot of digging, I found out she has been lying about her name and how she looks. I am 100% confident in this, because I've found multiple profiles on other sites with info/pictures matching each other. (about 75% of the stuff she's told me is true about her life). Where she goes to school and lives and home life seems 80% accurate, but there's been some big things she's lied about going on a year now.

I normally would not go this far, and hope to not be thought of as a stalker; but when your life is emotional hell and you have doubts, you search for the truth.



Bottom line is that honestly, I am not attracted to the person I see now at all. The last problem, is that she is planning on coming to see me in a few weeks. I am asking advise on how to tell her I know about her lies without destroying her life?

Maybe it's mean, but I kindof want to tell her closest girl-friend (also found her profile), so she has someone who knows the truth to help her through this 'break-up', as well as almost a 2nd conscious, to help her from lying again to people. -I have websites, pictures, and profiles all proving she's been lying. I live 3 hours away from her and could drive up to see her in a few days, but it is apparently her birthday and will be out with her friends drinking most of the time. Any genuine advice, please respond quickly as I don't know what to do next.

Updates

+1 y

PS- We (were) on 'I love you' terms, and technically dating, fairly seriously. (I know about the stupidity of getting that far without meeting first, but I let it happen and that's my fault.

Updates

+1 y

some of my friends here think I should let her travell the way here then just stick it to her the second I see her and walk away. but I'm not the type of mean person to just do that to get revenge. and I don't want her to do something stupid and hurt herself, and feel bad/responsible. And BTW, I appreciate everyone's comments.

Updates

+1 y

** I told her tonight. I gently confronted her with finding things like a Facebook of a girl with a different name. After a minute, she told me it was true. It was hard for her to tell me stuff, I just kept asking if x,y, & z were true or not. It was all as I expected. She impersonated a friend's friend a year or so ago "as a kinda joke" at first. She said she was sorry 100 times and was very apologetic & self-condemning . I told her I don't know what to do next, I don't think I can talk to her anymore.

[Darkfairie17]

I wouldn't stick it to her after she has spent the time driving up. I would confront her about the lies though. Tell her how it makes you feel. No relationship can flourish when it is built on lies. I have met many people online and know all about the scary parts of it. I have seen people who have lied about who they were, one guy told me he was a zoologist and had a fake picture up of himself. He was a strange guy always asking me to go on video with him, but I refused. One day he went on to show me what he looked like. He looked nothing like the picture. He told me that it was an old pic, but it was nothing like he would ever look like at all. So I stopped talking to him.

You just have to confront her, and tell her how it made you feel. Tell her that you can't go out with her anymore and don't think it's a good idea to meet. I realize it sucks to have to end things, but you obviously feel very strongly about this. Tell her why you feel it won't work out because of the lies, lying is not a good sign and for her to do it before you two are even in a relationship should be a big red flag to you. Multiple profiles, and false information, I'm sure she must have some reason why that is happening. She could even have other guys she is talking to. I know that hurts and we do not know that for sure, but that is the only reason I could think that someone would make multiple profiles on a site. Move on to someone who will be truthful to you and value your honesty.

[rocketman5988]

Thank you for your genuineness. Read above to see what happened.

[Anonymous]

So she was going to meet you in a few weeks despite the fact that she used fake pictures? Are you sure she didn't lie about wanting to meet up? I bet something would have gotten in the way, some emergency, that would have prevented the meet. Or perhaps she was planning to tell you the truth about everything before you met, although I think this is doubtful.

See, I talked to a guy for six years online. We were extremely close. One day I had this gut feeling, I don't know what prompted it. So I started to research. I found out he had lied about his name. This was someone I talked to every single day, for six years. He also lied about some of his online activity. I do understand when people don't disclose their full name online. I never tell people my last name, or my exact location. But I think that after six years I would've deserved to know the real first name, at least. Needless to say, it made me feel oh so horrible. And as you mentioned in one of your comments, he did in fact turn the tables and acted as if I had done something wrong by researching the truth. I think he mainly just wanted to avoid talking about his lies, so it seemed easier to blame me for finding the truth and caring about it.

[rocketman5988]

I don't thing anything would have gotten in the way this time because she was coming to see me without anyone she knows around us to know the truth. it never worked out before I imagine because she didn't want me to meet her around her family or friends.

A your ago a girl lied to me for 10 months and ended up having borderline personality disorder and was bipolar. She impersonated her friend's friend because she was insecure about her looks.

[Opinion Owner]

I might be thick here (and I saw your update so this is sort of redundant but I'm curious): she used a picture of another girl, so how would she have met you without you knowing the truth automatically? I mean it's not like you're blind. Am I missing something?

[Skygirljenn]

Are looks that important to you? That you can't overlook what she actually looks like. Not to say it isn't weird that she put a fake picture up posing as her, that is not right. But maybe she did it for other reasons, maybe she is insecure. If that is the only thing that was not true, give her a chance to explain. But 9 times out of 10, she's not going to meet you anyways, because then her jig will be up. Advice, push and push to see her, she will end up breaking it off with you, once she feels the pressure. Is is a drastic difference from what the picture looks like, to what she really looks like? just curious. Because if it is, she could never have furthered the relationship without being found out. Also she may have wanted to get you to fall in love with her not knowing what she looked like truly and then thought you might just overlook it when you actually met, because you love her. You have to look at all points of view.

[toulouse]

i think he probably took all those points into consideration.. that's usually why people put fake information. to attract, then hope the person likes them so much they won't care. or because they just want the attention, and don't plan on meeting the other person. I think he's just put off by the is quite certain is decepetion-regrdless of reason- and not attracted to what he believes to be the real woman.

[rocketman5988]

it's not that looks are so important is that he lied to me for so long about it. despite me telling her multiple times when we first met online that it didn't matter how to she looked but never lie to me. The fact that she let it go this far and this deep is what hurts the most, because she had to know it would end terribly and knew she was hurting me the whole time but was selfish enough to keep going. It's hard not to hate her.

[PeterCobra]

had a buddy get caught up in "dating" a girl online. buddy she took him through the ringer. she lied about everything. he was so mad everyday about something to do with her then he would be all lovey dovey with her the next day. I asked him once "how the hell can you be so mad (or in love) with a girl you have never even seen in person?" he told me I wouldn't understand. I said I sure wouldn't cause I'm way to hip to the game to fall for all that nonsense. she turned out to be 100lbs heavier than the girl in her pics. different hair color. different town. different job. the whole thing a hoax. for 7 months. I couldn't help but laugh in front of him. I tried not to, honestly. but how does a person fall for things like this? anyway good luck man but I would just send her a very short message stating the simple facts and that its over and not to contact you and waste anymore of your time and then delete her. if you are gonna keep a liar around, there are plenty of those in your local area that you can actaully touch in real life.

[huntusa]

I think you shouldn't worry too much about her lies.Reason why I am saying this is because when you meet someone online then it's hard to trust and fall for someones sweet talk. Lot's women get raped,murdered & sold for prostitution by these sweet talks.I can totally understand her concern because she is a girl.

Fact that, she has been in touch with you all this time and she is coming to see you in itself tells that she is into you otherwise there is no reason to play games online. Trust me if she has to do that she can find lots of guys online to play games.

Real meaning to a relationship starts only when you meet her in person.Talk to her and then take one step at a time.

Bottom line is that don't let it go just yet.

[toulouse]

its tough but

i think you should wait till she comes

then ud be justified in feeling betrayed and every right to break it off

if you tell her now:

1 You will ook like a stalker

2 what iIF you are wrong..

thatd suck bg time

3. its still kindest to let her know in person.. I don't know I think it will make her feel she was wrong -not you

if you et her know over text it will feel like your wrong. but if she realizes she deceived you.. she may stop doing it.

plus you not confronting her is dishonest. its less credible to say she is dishonest when you are as well.

[TheWhiteFreshPrince]

I agree with her.

[toulouse]

'look'

[rocketman5988]

I think agree with you partially... it's a shame ill look like a stalker, though it took 10 months before I really looked and after what I found, I feel she'd turn the tables on me for being 'creepy' or something, when I'm only trying to find truth. I never would search online like I did if I wasn't convinced she was lying. -How am I to deal with an emotional train wreck if I let her visit assuming I don't know, and she wants to work it out and forgive her and have sex and still be together?

[toulouse]

thats HER problem- that's the point. she will have to take what SHE did seriously.

" hey by the way I've been stalking you and I know you are a fake." YOU look like a creep and a coward.

if I were you, id let her come,. then tell her I don't have sex with people who lie to me. I do not get involved with people I can not trust. it would be true.

her emotions are her responsibility-not yours.You're afraid hiding behind her. If you don't want to see her -dont.

But I think its the ethical thing to do.

[rocketman5988]

How am I to pretend like everything is OK for the next 2 weeks till she sees me? (though she'll likely back out prior). Won't me faking it stoop me to her level and I'd be deceiving her, and putting 2 weeks of effort into this train that's already going nowhere?

[toulouse]

in your position, id meet up. if you feel more deceptive that way, that's your choice. just be honest with yourself, why you are doing what you are doing.

worrying she will guilt you into being with her is bullsh*t.

you decide who you want to be with ,. end of story. she can't MAKE you do anything. if she gets emotional, and you stay with her. you're being even MORE emotional-being controlled by her emotions.. your emotions you're talking about either way.

I think you want to just tell her. its 'ok' :)

[singleandconfused]

wow! I jut saw a movie about that! I can't believe people really do that! Tell her. It just shows year cautious. Online dating can be dangerous. She wouldn't want to be with someone naive who just falls for lies right? How would he protect her? I'm being a bit sarcastic...because unless she has a good reason... For my own safety I would lie about my name. I wouldn't even tell you the right city, or car I drive or anything or school or job. Because stalkers are real, and so are murders and rapist. So it is understandable if it is little things. But I would tell you I was going to disclose that info. If you're weird I say bye. Just tell her you watched the movie I watched. I just had to research for 10 whole minutes to find it...its called Catfish.

[toulouse]

he doesn't want her anyways- if she lied. but what if he's wrong?

[Misty_04]

I was totally going to mention that movie. He should watch it.

[rocketman5988]

Here's the thing, I am not wrong. I found her Facebook and twitter and another blog type site with her picture/real name on it. Everything she's ever told me matches the comments... her likes & dislikes, places on her body she has scars, names of her family, where they live. I'm 110% its true. So most of what she said was true, but her name, and most importantly, her looks are a lie. She let me fall in love & expect a future with a fake girl, looking nothing at all like the real girl.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she may have just started something that turned out more serious than she planned. So the pictures she sent you were of a diff girl, and she is ugly? Or was the the same picture just not the right name? I feel bad, because you fell 'in love' with her personality as well. You would have never gotten to know her had she shown you the real picture from the get go. That must suck for ugly people. But I know attractive people have problems. She honestly answered you, does that count for anything? I think she should have had enough confidence to at least send you a picture of the real her at least a few weeks in though...so maybe she has issues. This sounds dumb...but its up to you whether you want to pursue this. its a toss up for me.

[RaphaelRossi]

well, let her come, and talk to her, face-to-face, don't tell her you knew about the lies! just pretend to be suprised whenever she comes to talk to you, and then tell her, you don't appreciate her lying to you, point it out that if you were "dating" she shouldn't really have lied to you...and then use that as an excuse to see her again...

just say "how can I trust you when you lied to me about who you were?! I feel like I don't know you, and I can't handle this at this time, I am sorry but, we'd be better off without seeing each other again"...and BAM, done...

Remember, you could be mistaken and be waiting for a MONSTER and find yourself having coffee with a hottie! Please give it a try!

Looking forward to hear how that went

[ilovecookies]

so, was she that bad looking? was the difference very drastic?

In all seriousness though, I would be fully honest and tell her what you think and know and what you want to come out of it. I wouldn't even want to see her in person, that's even more troublesome...

[rocketman5988]

I am not attracted to her really at all. The difference was very drastic.

[ilovecookies]

break it off, tell her the truth. You can't do anything if you're not attracted to her, it just doesn't work that way, dw, not your fault :)

[ilovecookies]

@update: I have trust issues, I wouldn't be able to see her or speak to her anymore. Would not forgive someone I love to lie to me for so long. It means she either doesn't trust me and can't tell me the truth, or she's hiding something big, or she's just a plain liar. Regardless, someone who doesn't love herself enough is an ugly person for me.

[serialflirt]

well you should expect people online to do this... I mean for all you know "she" could be a 75 year old married man. It really easy too lie about your life on the internet, so just delete her from your life and don't obsess over it. find a real girl!

[MeuAmor]

Ever seen the movie "Catfish"?

It's what you're basically going through.

[rocketman5988]

I haven't seen it yet, but a few people have mentioned it on this question, so I'm going to watch it within the next week.

[Anonymous]

why not wait till she comes meet you? I mean, why would she want to meet you if she was lying about herself. Then the lie would be out. Just wait and see and then decide what you are going to do.

[rocketman5988]

If I wait till she comes to see me, she will try to emotionally guilt me into staying with her. Crying, hysterics, etc. She'll turn it to me being shallow for looks. Truth is you fall in love with a person, not just a personality, not just looks... both. I can't be with someone who trusted me enough to know her family member's names, address, college she's attending, etc, but not HER name or her real face.

[rocksongwriter]

I don't know her real name, suppose it's Jane smith, then be like...

"Sorry, I can't date you anymore...Jane Smith."

[Anonymous]

Annnnnnnnnnnd this is why people shouldn't date online.

[rocketman5988]

I know, you are right. Unfortunately this was a slow progression, which went from friends to more than friends despite my efforts. Sometimes you just fall for a person. -This is it though. I'm done online... my profiles are already deleted.

[probabilist]

Im with toulouse, meet her and tell her she's a whack bit*h

[Anonymous]

LOL! People get out and GET A PHUCKING LIFE, SERVES YOU RIGHT!

[rocketman5988]

Thanks for the caring advise.

[Opinion Owner]

Sorry but you will learn the hard way it looks like, my advice although harsh is coming from a caring place.

[AmberAmazes]

What ever you do telling her friends is the wrong route and totally unneeded and childish.

[kaitlovesyou]

ask her why she lied she's still the same person uv fell inlove with

[Anonymous]

if she's coming to see you then she probably didn't lie,