How can I recognize fake apologies from my friend?

[Lalalove11]

My friend betrayed me and is scrambling in her apologies because she can tell I'm serious.

She keeps saying it wasn't her intention to hurt me. Of course it wasn't her intention , the impact still matters. She also uses excuses about how she was going through deep stuff and couldn't be honest with herself. I don't feel she cares about how it makes me feel as she is just too self absorbed even in the apology. She said she hopes I can reflect more deeply on the situation.

She said my actions were never out of a lack of care or to take advantage of you.. I'm but that's what you ultimately did.

Updates

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Edit to the end of the question: 'um.. but that's what you ultimately did?' as in she ultimately did act in a way that took advantage. So why are you saying your actions weren't to take advantage?

[HollyK21]

After reading this post and your responses to the other comments (I only skimmed so there’s the potential i missed something), my takeaway from this situation is that if you continue on in this friendship you should try keeping her romantic life separate in conversation and don’t discuss it at all. I had to set this boundary with my best friend of over 15 years because her boy craziness became too much and I just couldn’t hear anymore.



I know that friends are supposed to be able to talk about everything, and of course you want your friend to be able to come to you and vent, but everyone has a limit. If you’re feeling used or like she doesn’t respect when you don’t want to talk about her romantic escapades then a relationship between you just won’t work.

[Lalalove11]

This is solid advice actually, thank you.
The friendship isn't going to be the same for sure. It could be possible but.. hard to imagine her never discussing boys. It definitely became too much as it was every day.. along with constant complaining
Tbh it felt very draining and I'm just re-considering the entire friendship while taking a break

[HollyK21]

No problem love, having went through a similar situation I get where you’re coming from. I can’t tell you what to do next, but maybe this friendship has reached the end of the road. I say this because in aspects where you could show her some grace, so much has happened in the past that you can’t do it and you can’t receive her apologies as sincere.

For example, you mentioned in another comment how she did apologize but you feel like it’s a bunch of excuses, self centered and lacking empathy for what she put you through. From an outside perspective, I personally don’t know what more you’d want her to do or say in this specific situation. You had no parts in her relationships other than being who she constantly vented to, so realistically what more can she apologize for other than that, you know? I think you’d be much more forgiving if this wasn’t yet another offense; which is why I think your friendship is probably at the point of no return.

Trust me, I’m not dishing out any advice I wouldn’t take myself, I haven’t been friends with the woman I mentioned for almost 3 years now. When it’s time for your roads to part, it’s hard but sometimes you’ve just got to do it.

[Lalalove11]

Yes precisely. If it was the first time and there weren't other issues I'd certainly forgive. There were other issues I won't get into now but it seems she's projected a lot and had signs of low empathy here and there. It's hard to keep giving someone empathy when it feels like they don't return it. She's going back to therapy but I am still going to take a break because I feel when she's stressed, she becomes very self centred and I don't want to get sucked into her world again. It feels like I'm not there anymore, just a sounding board for her

[HollyK21]

Sometimes there’s too much water that it can’t be under the bridge. I definitely understand not wanting to feel like a wall for her to bounce her thoughts off of, I ultimately got over that too. It’s ok to take a break from her.

[FreyaRed]

I grow up under influence of psychopathic mother and I learned with 6 or 7 that people emotions and attitude isn't constant. They can love you but they can hate you 20 minute later.
Start a talk on mature level and tell her very politically that you don't care about her current emotions towards your person but impact this happening had on you. Her apologies have very minor influence on your future decision how trusting you might be, if trust is necessary again to make a decision. Then claim this topic as closed for you and you don't want talk about it anymore, in term of mutual friendship of course. XD

From my personal perspective, someone who cheater or betrayed you once will do it again, don't give those people anything of value.

[Lalalove11]

I'm sorry you grew up experiencing that. It must have been tough, I imagine you're good at spotting those types of people who fit under anti social personality disorders.
I said all of that to her in response to the 'apology'. The impact, and how it was important for me to to feel seen. Then she doubled down by saying 'it wasn't my intention', 'thanks for telling me your truth'. (what 😂 lmao my truth?), and that 'my actions were never out of a lack of care or to take advantage' and also, 'I hope you can reflect more deeply on this'

But.. her actions were uncaring, she knows she crossed a clear boundary. How can we be friends if we aren't open about who we are in a relationship with? And take advantage in the process...
I have gotten to a point where I value myself too much to consider her a friend anymore. She even said she would kiss a guy while she was in a relationship with that girl. She said she can be sneaky.

It took me much discernment and a break from her to see that it is a fake apology from what I can tell. And I'm really trying to objective.

[blueonblack22]

The way you can tell a fake apology from a real one is if someone just apologizes because there is something still it for them (friendship, relationship, etc) or if they do it because they seriously feel bad for what they did to someone else.

It’s usually a mixture of the two. But when someone really apologizes they do it knowing the person may never forgive them and they will likely still lose out on all previous benefits they once enjoyed.

However they want to let the other person know where they stand as a matter of general principle.

[Staximus]

Your friend is a gaslighting narcissistic shit bag and trying to make it seem like what she did wasn't her own fault. She's not your friend, don't talk to her anymore and stop answering her calls and texts.. Better yet just tell her to fuck off and not contact you anymore. You don't need those kind of people in your life.

[WhitneySnow]

Maybe. But I think it depends on what her friend actually did.

[Lalalove11]

Okay so I replied to Whitney snow so you can see what my friend did. You'll see why I felt betrayed and taken advantage of. I told her my boundaries and she chose to pull the wool over my eyes for a while. Until I found out.

[lowkanymous]

i understand where her apology is coming from, she is trying to make it know that she wasn't personally trying to hurt you. many times that happens in relationships, and no offense but it seems like you're taking this personally. instead of being upset with her i would accept her apology and tell her how you feel instead.

[Lalalove11]

No. I made my choice :/ it feels very unempathetic to hurt someone and all you can say is I didn't intend to hurt you. A sincere apology takes the time to understand the one who is hurt, not centre their apology around the feelings of themselves, ie. The one who did the hurting. There have been other issues I didn't mention but yeah, you're right I'm a sensitive person as well. I just need to value myself more

[lowkanymous]

what choice did you make? to be pissed at her instead of forgiving her for making a mistake? staying mad at her isn't gonna help you at all and it definitely isn't gonna help your friendship. if you don't wanna stay friends with her, you don't need to hate her. you can still accept her apology so you aren't on bad terms without continuing the friendship. also how about you tell her you think her apology is self centered? she probably honestly doesn't know and she won't learn unless someone corrects her.

[Lalalove11]

Of course I can and will forgive her. That doesn't mean I'll let her use me again. You can forgive a person and keep a distance. But I'm choosing not to be used anymore by her. I said to her it's important for me to feel seen and heard, because I don't feel seen. but she still centred it back to her. It's been an on going theme in the friendship.

[Flower7]

If you can’t accept her apology, consider ending the friendship.

[Lalalove11]

It doesn't feel like a sincere apology

[SleepingHazard]

If something bothers you and you point it out, she apologizes and then continue doing it. That's a fake apology.

[Lalalove11]

Right. Cos I replied saying it's not about the intention and that I want to feel seen by her. Then she doubled down.. By repeatedly saying it's not your intention, which feels like a cop out.

[slatyb]

Drop her. She never will acknowledge fault or apologize ever due this or anything else.

[Lalalove11]

Right. And I made it clear the impact. Then she doubled down by saying it wasn't her intention. I'm done extremely draining friendship

[slatyb]

Be glad you aren't married to her. I was.

[Sandiwich]

I had a friend like that, and I distanced myself from her and gained new friends that showed me friendship shouldn’t be like that. She always made excuses and I just got fed up after 2 years of it happening all the time.

[Lalalove11]

Damn, you're ten years younger than me and far more mature 🥲I have a lot to learn.

[WhitneySnow]

How did she betray you?

[Lalalove11]

I'll try to keep short. She is bisexual. She had a girlfriend , long distance. She would talk to me about crushes and guys she's into while in a relationship.
I told her I can't anymore it's uncomfortable. It felt wrong like emotional cheating.

She then said she broke up with girlfriend. That was a lie, they were on and off for three months. She continued talking about guys she's into, asking me to read tarot on them any chance she could get. She crossed a boundary and basically lied to me. She knows I wouldn't encourage this emotional cheating. She wanted to break up with that girlfriend a year ago and it was just horrible to see her do that to her girlfriend. So I felt used and betrayed and taken advantage of. Like I was put in a situation that compromises my morality, but I was completely unaware of the fact she was still with her girlfriend

[WhitneySnow]

I see. It sounds like she did put you in a difficult position, but can you see it from her side? Maybe her feelings for her girlfriend were very hot and cold. She wasn’t sure how she felt.

[WhitneySnow]

I do see why you’re upset though. She shouldn’t have put you in that position.

[Lalalove11]

Yes I can. Just trust me there have been other things in this friendship that made me realise it's unhealthy. She wasn't sure how she felt about her girlfriend... For well over a year. It doesn't make what she did okay. Sorry... It's just I'm nearly 25 and have been betrayed many times. You get to a point of being tired of hearing people's excuses

[WhitneySnow]

She should have been more respectful of your moral beliefs. Are you going to cut ties with her?

[Lalalove11]

I considered her a very close and good friend. I don't think a good friend would do this. . Her apology is also very focused on how she is feeling. I've had an ear full of it. I don't feel like she sees how hurt I am.

[Lalalove11]

She disrespected me , her girlfriend, she isn't seeming to take full accountability.. her apology has some concerning bits. I'm not sure.

[WhitneySnow]

I agree with you. I think you should talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Make her understand how hurt you are that she didn’t respect your values.

[Lalalove11]

I did, I spelled it out. What happened is she doubled down and sent a message today. She still went back to centering it around her struggles.. it is just so self centred to do that I think. But that has been ongoing in our friendship, the self centredness. nd saying it wasn't her intention to hurt. It's just so frustrating to still not feel seen for how much someone has hurt you. Anyway. Thanks so much for listening.

[WhitneySnow]

You’re welcome

[ChicoFromThe305]

Has she done it more than once?