Is it ok to fake apologies (even if you don't feel it) just for your own sake?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has found out I used to bully others in HS. Others told him and he was bothered that I never apologized to them.

I've reached out to a couple of the bullied and ''apologized''. However, I didn't mean any of it on that lengthy statement. It's not the first time I've faked apologies and fooled everyone. I'm an expert at expressing what I don't feel.

Is that ok for your own sake? Lets just say I do it out of self-preservation in society.

Yes

No

Updates

+1 y

Over the years, I've become an expert at sounding convincing.

Updates

+1 y

I can even fake tears too.

[Кураж]

Nobody gives sincere apologies.
If people thought they were wrong in doing something, they simply wouldn't have done it in the first place.
They "apologize" because they don't like the consequence of that choice they made and humiliate themselves in order to appease the other party, and the other party accepts that humiliation as a price for having been wronged.

It's entirely a cynical custom we manufactured in order to put up with each other.

[Asker]

Exactly. If I bullied someone it's for a reason. I never liked them in the first place and from an early age already established some type of hierarchy among people.
But society pushes you to apologize. Even teachers or our own parents make us do it when we're little kids. I've never felt guilt nor remorse in my life, never.

[crossdressingrihno]

Honestly I don't see the issue with faking apologies

Then again I grew up in a household where I had to why about almost absolutely everything just to have some semblance of freedom

[Asker]

yeah I've become great at faking them. Long ago, me and another girl were going to get suspended for fighting unless we apologized. I faked both an apology and tears. I can't believe the assistant principal fell for that LOL.

[Asker]

Over the years, I've gotten better at it

[crossdressingrihno]

Although something seems off about this post

[Asker]

What do you find off?

[crossdressingrihno]

You seem almost entirely emotionally disconnected from the situation

[crossdressingrihno]

I could be wrong

[Asker]

True. It's like I can be watching a movie, understand the summary but still can't feel anything. That's what it's like to me.

[Asker]

I'll give you another example so you get the idea of what's it like being me:
Imagine going to a family funeral and seeing everyone emotional and crying, giving their last words. Then you're right there imitating them all but not really feeling anything. All you feel is an ''Oh well someone die, that's a normal process, we all die at some point, whatever''. Then the next day or so, you're into partying.

[crossdressingrihno]

Maybe you're a sociopath?

[crossdressingrihno]

Since a sociopath is someone who is largely incapable of empathy or remorse

[Asker]

I'll find out on Monday when I go to my appointment with a psychologist. That way if it's true, I can still manage it and channel my disorder in healthier ways that will allow me to continue blending in society.
But on an online exam, I once scored a 24/40 on the Hare Psychopathy checklist.

[Asker]

Ironically I was never abused nor had a dysfunctional household; none that I can think of. I grew up with normal parents and simply knew I was different from others since my early years.

[Anonymous]

I don't know there’s a high chance that your boyfriend might still not be able to let it go even if you did end up apologizing. He’ll find out eventually if you’re insincere no matter how convincing you are. So I say if you don’t feel remorseful then don’t bother apologizing, just stand your ground.

[Asker]

If I stand my ground and admit to lacking guilt or remorse (I always knew this since my early years; I was different from others), then I'll probably not fit in society nor be accepted in a relationship.

[Opinion Owner]

But then you’re just lying to yourself for the sake of fitting in, wouldn’t it be better if you could just fully be yourself and find someone who shares your mindset? Or if not, maybe try seeking professional help if it becomes too much for you. Bullying is fucked up but a lot of people can’t really see how fucked up it is unless the tables flipped and they’re now the one getting bullied. I’m not gonna judge you for not feeling remorseful, but maybe try looking at it from the perspective of the person you bullied. At least understand the pain and shame that they went through.

[SweedyPie]

Sad sad sad. I think you might need to seek professional help. Not joking or bashing you, I'm serious. What I find the most disturbing is the lack of actual remorse

[Asker]

I've always been aware of my difference since my childhood years. I always knew I could never really feel true guilt nor remorse. If I ever felt bad about something, I would forget about it in a couple minutes.
My first appointment with a psychologist have been set for Monday. I've once taken a psychological online exam out of curiosity once. The highest score is 40 and my score was a 24/40, apparently I have a mild-moderate case of APD (anti-social personality disorder) but yeah I'll visit a psychologist still. If that's the case, then I'm wired differently from others.

[SweedyPie]

Are you being honest or are you telling me what you think I want to hear?

[Asker]

I'm actually curious about what the psychologist has to say. In case it's true, I can still manage it but channel it in more positive ways.

[SweedyPie]

Okay, well if you are being honest, I wish you the best

[UniquelyBasic]

Then why apologize? I couldn't care less if you apologize in the first place but dont do it if you dont mean what you say.

[Asker]

- To keep my relationship
- For them to stop talking about me
- To see how far I can go with the mimicking remorse

[sheikalana]

That's not okay. If you don't feel sorry you shouldn't fake it just say why you don't feel sorry. If you want to apologize to someone it has to be genuine.

[Asker]

Then I guess that's the last time I'll ever deliver a fake apology. I never felt remorse in my life and likely never will.

[exitseven]

I could see doing this but what you are describing is just being dishonest. You are not sorry you bulllied people and you probably would do it again. Your boyfriend should dump you.

[Asker]

The thing is if people knew the real me; that can't feel any guilt nor remorse (I can't feel that since my early years) and just wouldn't care if I hurt someone's feelings; I would have no one. So it's like I'm trapped. I have to continue imitating those emotions to function in society and to be accepted in a relationship.

[Sour-rose]

I would think not because I ain't gonna say sorry now a days if I don't even mean it, even a bit. But that's just me

[Asker]

I only do that to blend into society. Otherwise it's like no one would like the real me.

[genericname85]

i would say in very minor conflicts where the outcome is inconsequential.

[Asker]

It's the opposite with me. If I have more to lose, then I'll apologize to fit in and like stated self-preservation. It's interesting how society works out; as long as they hear you're sorry and supposedly know what you did wrong that's all it matters.
This is a piece of cake... apologizing without feeling anything at all.

[genericname85]

i'm more idealistic. fore me the conviction i'm right is more important than avoiding the inconvenience of a conflict.

[whereismyjohnny]

That's an asshole move.

[Asker]

But what else I can do? It's a lose-lose situation either way. If I don't apologize then I'm a jerk because I'm not owning up to anything. But if I do apologize (even if it's fake, insincere), then I'm still a jerk.
Honestly what else can I do if I don't feel bad about it at all? I already know I'll never be able to feel what most people feel, which is the typical feelings or guilt, remorse, etc. I can't ever feel that. So wouldn't at least trying to mimic be healthy to fit in to society? After all not many people are like me.

[whereismyjohnny]

Maybe stand behind your words? If you are not sorry, then don't apologize.

[In_Trance]

Is that what you'd want people to give to you?

[Asker]

I don't really care to be honest. I hate the fact that society sometimes makes you express what you don't feel and never did. By the way I can usually detect if someone is similar to me and I don't mind.

[Waldoe]

you sound like a sociopath... Not Good

[Asker]

I actually scored on 24/40 on the Hare Psychopathy checklist once online. I was curious and decided to do it. Supposedly it said moderate level. I'm not on the extreme level but it's not too mild either.
I already set up an appointment with a psychologist on Monday. I'm going to see what they have to do. I'll finally know if that's really true. I suspect it is and always been since my childhood years. I always knew I was different from other kids at an early age.

[Asker]

I've learned to live with my difference. In the end, it's really not my fault if I'm wired differently.

[Waldoe]

I am glad that you are aware of your differences, happiness may be possible for you, it will be a lifelong struggle, I am inclined to want to give you a hug, but that's my issue, that's how I get hurt.

[Asker]

There is one thing I forgot to point out that I find weird. I'm actually gentle with animals, even more with cats. I have nothing against them. So yeah ironically even with my difference, I've never harmed an animal ever.
I'm guessing that just like autism (from mild to severe retardation), sociopathy works on a bell curve too and most with this disorder probably aren't too extreme either.

[penteractgaming]

Thats sociopathy.

[Asker]

Then it wouldn't be my fault. I'm wired differently and will never be like other people. I thought this affects more men than women. But I guess I could be wrong. Maybe more women like me are out there wired like me.