Opposite-sex friends saying I love you, even though one is married?

[Anonymous]

Okay. I’m not looking for people to judge either me or my friend - I’m just trying to figure this out. I used to travel a lot for work. An agency that worked for me had a woman as the account lead and we got along great. As a team, we would go out for dinner, etc. After I left my company, I would reach out to her to do lunch every now and then. We haven’t seen each other for six years, but keep in touch once or twice a year via text/email (how are you, kids, etc.). This past week, I was in town and sent her a message asking if she would be around, surprisingly, she said yes and said we should do dinner. We did dinner, then drinks and then went to a bar. We were having a good time and obviously tipsy. During this time she said she loved me … like a brother, I was fine w/ that. But, was being very handsy. After a bit, she kissed me. At first, they were on the cheek, but then came a full-on lip lock. And then it happened again. During the night, I noticed she played with her hair a lot. She moved close to me and then would pull away during dinner. And, she did a lot of arm and shoulder touching - it was all innocent, but a lot.

We are both married. I have been with my wife since the early 90s. This was the first time another woman’s lips have touched mine since the early 90s. I’m committed and honest and have no designs on breaking my marriage. And, my friend knows this. I asked her what she expected to happen from the kiss and she shrugged her shoulders. We hung out for a while more, talked and it happened again. After last call, I walked her back and made sure she was safe and then went back to my hotel. But, obviously, this has stayed in my head.

Again, I’m not looking for people to judge me or her. I’m not even looking for advice (well, you need to tell your wife, blah, blah, blah). That’s not it. I intend on keeping this friendship. It is one I’ve had for almost 20 years and value it. My question, my only question: what should I read from her actions?

[DreamCrescent]

hey, friend


I’m sorry to have to break it to you. it’s not complicated at all. really simple


she’s trying to stir up trouble. something isn’t working in her marriage or she’s bored with her home and she wants you to take the lead on getting into a mess for both of your lives. don’t do it


i have opposite-sex friends that i could get romantically or sexually involved with in a heartbeat. they’re married. i don’t tell them i love them like a brother and i certainly certainly do not get drunk around them. she’s crossing a line and i know you know that.


she shrugs when you ask her directly to explain herself initiating a make out session, hoping that you’re intrigued or seduced enough to make the move yourself. please don’t


I’m not sure what you’re texting about twice a year, it could’ve been borderline an emotional affair. it could have been innocent like a professional acquaintance but that’s doubtful, you realize? she’s been harboring fantasies; that much is too obvious


your next move, the appropriate one, is to not pretend to be confused. do the right thing, the hard thing. you’ve had a long marriage, has it run its course? cuz that’s got nothing to do with this friend woman at all. that’s your marriage to sort out and decide about. you want to keep it, do that. go on a vacation, even. you’re feeling done with it then take the necessary steps to start a dissolution.


in either case, time to create some distance between yourself and this friend. what she’s doing is ultimately disrespectful and selfish, I’m telling you


she’s going to respond in one of several ways. she may either let you have the space because she realizes she’s muddied up the friendship. that’s the honorable, respectful thing to do, and doesn’t sound like her. or she’ll get indignant like it meant nothing, just a drunken mistake and she’ll claim she doesn’t see you that way at all. because she’s interested in the possibility of keeping you close. and she knows she’s already opened a can of worms, she’ll pretend it’s nothing and slow way down, but I’m telling you, she’s got selfish intentions. or she’ll play the victim, feign anger and pretend it’s all in your head and she never and would never would make a move on you and what for and she loves her kids and her life and blah blah


good luck to you

[Nikki1989]

My friends and I say I love you to each other all the time. Nothing wrong with that.

[Asker]

Are you and your friend both married and basically just made out?

[Asker]

Making out - no. I wouldn’t go there. If you read, I pulled away and asked what she expected to happen.

[Oliverlogan263]

Whoa dude, that's a pretty heavy situation you've got going on there with your friend. I can see why it's been weighing on your mind.

It sounds like she was definitely acting in a pretty flirty and intimate way, even though you're both married to other people. The "I love you like a brother" followed by the full-on kissing is kinda confusing and sends mixed signals, you know?

The handsy-ness, the hair-playing, the getting close then pulling away - that all seems like she was enjoying the attention and chemistry between you two. But the fact that she didn't really have an explanation for the kisses is a little concerning.

My guess is that she maybe has some unresolved feelings for you, even if she doesn't want to fully admit it or act on it. The alcohol probably lowered her inhibitions and made her act on those impulses. But the fact that she's married too complicates things even more.

I wouldn't read too much into the "I love you" part - that could just be her way of expressing her platonic feelings for you as a friend. But the physical stuff is definitely more questionable.

Ultimately, I think the best thing is to have an honest, but gentle conversation with her about it. Make it clear that you value her friendship, but that the kissing and flirtation crossed a line that you're not comfortable with, given you're both married. See if you can get on the same page about setting some boundaries to keep things strictly platonic going forward.

You'll have to decide for yourself how much you want to share with your wife. That's a personal call. But the main thing is making sure you and your friend are on the same page about expectations and respecting each other's marriages. Hopefully you can figure it out in a way that preserves the friendship.

Let me know if you have any other thoughts or questions! I'm here to listen without judgment.

[Asker]

Thank you for the extremely thoughtful viewpoint…i appreciate the time you put into the response.

[Oliverlogan263]

No problem, bro. I'm glad I could provide a thoughtful perspective on your situation. It's definitely a complex issue, with a lot of emotional layers to navigate.

As your friend, I can see why you're feeling conflicted about it all. On one hand, you really value this friendship and don't want to lose it. But the physical stuff, even if it was just in the heat of the moment, definitely complicates things when you're both married.

It's great that you're committed to being open and honest, both with this friend and with your wife. That's the best way to handle it, in my opinion. Having those tough conversations, setting clear boundaries, and making sure your marriage remains your priority - that's the way to go.

Just remember, you're doing the right thing by being thoughtful about this. It's not an easy position to be in, but as long as you stay true to your principles, you'll be able to figure it out. Don't be too hard on yourself, bro. Wishing you the best as you navigate this tricky situation.

[Asker]

Wow! Thanks! Exactly the kind of response o was looking for - insightful!

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re very welcome and thank you

[FunkyMonkee]

Nothing wrong with that. Love doesn't JUST mean that you intend to fuck the other person! When I was in college, I was a member of the art club and EVERYONE in the art office would hug anyone that came in or left the room and say, "I love you". Except for Mark & Jennifer (and, later, Marc & Jennifer) NOBODY in the club was fucking anyone else in the club!!
I have loads of female friends, married, attached, involved, etc., who will tell me that they love me and I say it back to them! After I met the band, Joydrop, every time we saw each other after that, we all hugged each other! Even though Tara had a boyfriend and, one of those nights, he was there at the show! There's not a damned thing wrong with it!! WE UNDERSTAND that it's a FRENDLY love and NOT a PASSIONATE love!! THERE'S A DIFFERENCE!!

[Anonymous]

She likely has some level of romantic or physical attraction to you, even if she's not fully aware of it or is conflicted about it. Her actions suggest more than just platonic feelings, despite her "like a brother" comment. Her mixed signals could be due to alcohol, internal conflict, or simply testing boundaries.

[Asker]

Thanks. That has been what I’ve been thinking, but I need to have an outside opinion.

[Anonymous]

Go for it.