Why do people treat me differently when I am with my friend vs when I am alone?

[Anonymous]

We're new to the university. I met this friend last week during the admission process and since we come from the same place we started hanging out together a lot. When we were together, people were not talking to us, they avoided us. She said it was because we looked like country girls and most kids here are from urban areas. She said it was especially my dressing sense and hairstyle. However we had different classes these days and I noticed that people treat me differently when she's nowhere nearby. They're much nicer and sweeter. She had the exact opposite experience. The person she said was mean to her yesterday, I met them today and they talked to me nicely. Not trying to disrespect her although I sometimes don't like her bossy attitude but what can be the reason? Please, don't find this to be offensive.

[Anonymous]

You ever consider that maybe your “friend” really isn’t that friendly at all? She’s already making a judgement on everyone at your school that they don’t talk to you because of the way you dress, or the way the two of you dress. Maybe she has an RBF, she seems unapproachable. If we’re talking about men, maybe they’re shy to talk to you because now they’re being judged by two people rather than one. Plus let’s face it the uglier chick usually tries to keep men from talking to her cute friends cause she’s the odd ball, she feels left out.
Ok I just read the last of your post. It’s cause she’s bossy that’s why they treat her like that. Not so much you but because you’re a her they don’t approach or act the same. Sounds like they already know how she is? Has she been going to school there before you or are both of you new to the school? If she’s already been going to school there chances are people know of her and her attitude. I’d suggest finding another friend. She sounds like the type that would stab you in the back or try to make you feel guilty for talking to all these other people possibly dating one of these people. She’s miserable. You’ll be miserable too if you continue to hang w her.

[HollyK21]

So you met her last week and had one experience, then this week has another. In my opinion it’s just too soon to determine whether or not you’re being treated differently on her behalf (or being treated differently at all), mainly because you don’t know her as a person in order to make that assertion.


For all you know your experience has been different/better when she’s not around because you’re more like yourself when you aren’t trying to align with her. On the other hand it could just be a better week in general. Many people seemed distant to me at school almost every year during week one because we were all so preoccupied getting our bearings/adjusting. By week two you can relax a bit more, actually absorb your surroundings and interact more with people. That could be the case as well but again, too soon to know.

[Asker]

Yeah you're right. Actually, I always had trouble making friends in the past because I'm pretty introverted and I have that countryside thing about me (it's not a pleasant thing in my country). So I worked a lot on fixing my rbf and tried to be more open to conversations. My friend again suggested that I was unapproachable because people thought ill of my background (country side equals illiteracy according to certain people). However, although she was from the same area she dresses quite in more modern clothes so she said that was in her defense. However, the first day I went alone I was approached by a group of senior students and they were really kind and helpful to me. Later when we were together people avoided us. Again, she ranted a lot about a person who was very mean to her. I met them today accidentally and they were nice to me. I always saw myself as intimidating and unapproachable. This is hence very unexpected.

[Asker]

Also another fact, you're probably right about me being myself when I'm alone. She is around 3 years older than me which makes her dominate me a lot and I don't feel normal around her.

[HollyK21]

I don’t think age has anything to do with dominance lol I’m older than several of my friends yet the quietest and least dominant of them all. It’s about your personality, and if you are admittedly a pretty introverted, soft-spoken woman who’s still struggling to “emerge” in society then you’re going to feel a bit stifled by anyone with a presence even remotely louder than yours, regardless of their age or gender.

When you speak on her “suggestion that you’re unapproachable”, in my opinion (and my benefit of the doubt styled hope lol) it wasn’t meant to be taken so literally. I think it was meant to be a source of humor she thought you could find mutually funny since you’re both foreign girls.

Anyway, I get that right now you’re trying to make heads or tails of who she is as not only a woman but as a friend, I think we all subconsciously judge those we’re getting close to. However, I don’t think it’s wise to center so much of your college experience around her.

[Asker]

I have never behaved badly with younger people either. But I thought that about her because she keeps on calling me a fool every time I make a mistake. I don't understand the situation anymore, I think I made a weird friend. We're residential students, two days ago she told me to go out of the campus with her for shopping. I had a wound on my feet which made it hard to walk (had to walk 1 km) and it was evening (I felt uncomfortable with the idea of going out in an alien city after sunset). So, I suggested that we go out on Sunday morning and she got mad. She hasn't talked to me in these two days. She has my clothes and I need them. She didn't reply my texts. I'm trying to figure her out. I think I'll have to keep some distance from her.