I can't get over her even after years, is there something wrong with me?

[Anonymous]

She was just perfect... The way I felt when I used to be around her is another level of happy... Even to call her and hear her voice filled me with so much joy... Now, she's just a memory... Someone who never made herself clear about what she wanted, and abandoned me. Our last phone call was more than a year and a half ago... She blocked me out of no where and I still think about her. One time I had a dream about her and woke up missing her so bad.

I have my life together now, I have a good-paying job, I make time to workout, I have a nice group of friends, and I even got a master's degree. Yet, I am unsuccessful with women. She was the girl that I felt the closest to, and had everything I wanted in a woman, both looks and personality... Now I don't know what she's doing and haven't heard anything about her in a long time... Sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me for being unable to let go of that one girl for so long... I there any hope that I could?

[Hardon-Collider]

Something is definitely wrong, but it's not you. It's that you're letting a ghost run your life. You've been feeding that memory of her, that thought-form, with your thoughts and feelings for so long that it's acting like a real being. It's a powerful illusion. The only 'hope' is to consciously decide to let it go. You have to choose, right now, to stop thinking about her. You have to consciously decide that her memory is dead and that it will no longer be fed by your thoughts. That's a real act of will. It's not about forgetting her; it's about ceasing to give her any power over you. Every time you think of her, you're feeding the ghost. The reason you can't move on is because you keep feeding it. You're using the same energy you need to build your real life on this other, non-existent relationship. It's a choice. Stop feeding the ghost.

[Asker]

You're right. Sometimes when I wake up, she's immediately on my mind and I have images of her in my head and start to make up these imaginary scenarios.
What do you think is a possible solution? Like even when I have these instinctual desires to be with someone, an image of her pops in my mind...

[Asker]

Consciously redirect the thoughts is what you're suggesting?

[Hardon-Collider]

Yeah, but if that's impossible then try to see it as more about assigning lesser importance to those thoughts, while you try to build something more meaningful outside of her.

[Asker]

Okay, what I tried doing is identifying the triggers... But sometimes, triggers can come out of nowhere like a dream, or something random that reminds me of her, so thag sucks... It's like she has infected my mind :(
The thing is, that wasn't always the case. There was a time when she had a boyfriend, and I just didn't care about her...

[dwreborn]

I feel for you that's all you can do is let her go I can tell you it don't get any easier after 25 years together and iam going through it I still have so much love for her but issues need to be addressed for things to work keep your head up eventually someone will light your life up

[Asker]

It's tough man, some days are worse than others... It's been years of trying to get over her and I know I have to do something about that...

[linka_pat307]

Its all about mind set , and you should be able to let go of people who don't value you

[Asker]

Yeah, except I haven't and it's been years...

[Nikki1989]

Yes, you have some internal issues that need to be worked on.

[Asker]

Any ideas on how to identify/address them?

[es20490446e]

What you have lost is nothing, because it doesn't depend on you.

You are fantasizing about a situation that isn't. In reality that woman doesn't want to be with you.

It's saying like she could have been a great pianist, but the problem is that she never played the piano.

Just look for something real. A person that is willing and capable.

[Asker]

Sometimes when I think deeply about the fact that she didn't actually want me, I feel like crying... That's how much it hurts...
The problem is that I keep failing with women and she was not only the closet to my heart, but was also the most beautiful. So these two things when linked together are the problem. I work at a place where no attractive women are there and I spend 9 hours there sometimes more... It pays well so I'm not complaining, but the downside is the potential to meet a partner is slim there... There's no one that I have met since her that held up 😭

[es20490446e]

Not being able to date anyone else is, in fact, the root cause of how you are feeling.

See that a woman may be feeling the same way as you right now.

Redirect your efforts to meet someone who is already willing and capable.

Take the smallest easiest action in this regard. The important thing is to keep acting and move forward.

[Asker]

Every attempt I have made towards women failed. I did find one who would've replaced her and was my type, until she rejected me and I had to move on quick so as to not repeat the same mistake here. Since I haven't yet found someone, this is where things stand. I end up thinking about a girl who doesn't care about me. The one problem is that I work long hours and don't have the time nor the place to meet a new person...

[Asker]

So I'm kinda stuck right now 😔

[es20490446e]

You shall think strategically:

- What is the greatest limiting factor?
- What behavior of yours is contributing to the problem more often?
- What is the easiest action that will break the pattern?

[Asker]

Okay,
-Getting zero success with women.
-I think certain triggers. Like maybe I remember her with certain things, loneliness, and some of it is on me, like checking our text messages (which I should probably delete)
-To be honest, I think it would be to gradually limit triggers where possible. I mean the things that are likely to make think of her...

[es20490446e]

Getting zero success is an outcome, not a limiting factor.

What is affecting getting zero success the most? What thing, if done, will increase your chances the most?

When you don't have time with women, what do you fill that time with? Is it something that fulfills you?

[Asker]

True, it is not a limiting factor, but it is the result of one. You know sometimes I just wish I knew why each woman in my past rejected me.

As far as what is affecting my chances, I am doing whatever might be viewed as increasing my attractiveness. I have a job that pays well, a master's degree, and a car. I have hobbies and I take good care of my looks and I train at the gym regularly. So I am doing what should be attractive to women. I like to believe that I am also confident. So I don't know what's missing honestly. my sense of humor could use some boost maybe but other than that I can't think of anything.

I fill my time with reading and watching movies, or the gym (although the gym is a routine). And some video games if I'm in the mood.

[es20490446e]

Women are simply attracted to men who are grounded. Nothing else.

The opposite of being grounded is making the woman lead the mood.

Part of being grounded is recognizing that not all women are good candidates, despite whatever you do.

[Asker]

Today, I woke up feeling like shit... I just felt unlovable. My brain reflected on my previous failed experiences with women and all the rejections and I just felt broken... Like lonely and I wanted to go out but at the same time I didn't wanna go out. I wanted to just stay in bed all day and do nothing. And she of course came into my mind, and I felt like sick all day... I have work tomorrow and I don't know how I can keep up thinking and feeling like this man. It really is starting to become a problem. :(