This is weird, I feel like I just need to spill my guts more than anything.
I've been healing from a breakup for the past 6 years, which ended due to a major breakdown of communication and was plagued by distrust, accusations, fear of abandonment, that it was mainly me taking and not giving anything back etc. I admit that sometimes I can seem inconsiderate and could have done more to reassure her; but as she became more spiteful she reached out to someone she knew, sent some provocative images and subtly made sure that I found out about it later.
This destroyed me and my confidence which then led to me breaking up with her a couple of months later. She pleaded for me to stay but I was distraught. I needed to get away, so I left home, travelled abroad. We agreed to delete each other on social media, but we could view each others profiles. I tried contacting her after a year but she very promptly shut me down when she found out I was still abroad, saying there would never be a good time. This sent me into a spiral of heavy drinking and sex with as many girls as possible trying to do anything to forget and move on.
I did get better and managed to practice a lot of restraint by not even peeping her social media for about 4 years; but I never wanted to block her because I didn't want her to think that she was right, that I truly didn't care for her and just wanted out. She failed to understand that I left her out hurt but not a day passes that I don't think about her.
I've been home now for a while. The other day I stumbled upon some old photos, gave in and ended up looking her up on Facebook, BLOCKED. I'm sure she just wants to move on or something, so this shouldn't upset me but it really does. I feel hopeless. I thought I was getting better. I've been balling my eyes out the past couple of days. This was the worst breakup I've ever experienced and all the emotions have come flooding back, she killed it but I can't help but want her back. I don't know what to do.
