Why do I always fall for the toxic girls?

[Anonymous]

Honestly my friends are practically planning an intervention at this point.

I get with a good girl and within a month I’m bored and distant

But if she’s toxic, messed up, borderline personality, all that stuff she keeps me awake at night

The one haunting me now is a textbook example. Beautifully, fit, blonde, blue eyes. And completely insane.

Still I can’t get a good night’s sleep because she’s not there

[Anonymous]

Because toxic behavior where it switches between good times and bad times and they go back and forth between giving you love, affection, attention etc to being cold, assholes or whatever, that intermittent pattern, creates a chemical reaction in the brain that creates an addiction for it. You literally get addicted to the good parts because it’s so rewarding compared to the rest, and when it’s taken away during the bad parts you freak out, like you’re in withdrawl and can only think about you next fix (the good time/behavior from the person you’re addicted to). Trauma bonds happen this way too.

Then things like low self-esteem, attachment style and fear of abandonment can also play a role in being drawn to toxic people and situations.

[Asker]

It’s funny how I didn’t even mention the hot and cold dynamic and yet you figured it out so spot on

I don’t think I have low self esteem
But I do have a bit of abandoned issues

There’s always a fear in the back of my mind that I will somehow end up all alone

[Bitter_Sweet94]

Because the chaos feels familiar.

Not healthy, just familiar.

Toxic people usually come with intensity attention, drama, highs and lows.

It tricks your brain into thinking it’s passion.

But real connection feels calmer.

More steady.

Less addictive.

You don’t fall for toxic girls because they’re better, you fall for them because a part of you hasn’t learned to feel safe with peaceful women yet.

[Asker]

Impressive how you managed to use the question to deduce that I in fact have a chaotic mind that’s never truly known inner peace

[Bitter_Sweet94]

Not a deduction, just a pattern that shows up a lot.

People who’re used to emotional turbulence tend to mistake calm for disinterest.

It doesn’t mean you’re broken, it just means your nervous system learned to survive chaos instead of rest.

If anything, the fact that you can recognize it now is a sign you’re already moving toward something healthier.

[slatyb]

Get professional counseling to figure it out. I have a guess -- you didn't get much love growing up, so when someone appreciates you, it feels strange and you think that they aren't seeing the real you. Been there, done that.

[Asker]

It’s not a bad guess
I did get familial love
But I was never “loved” properly by someone not related to me

So I grew up thinking I’m just unlovable

Maybe that’s why it’s so unfamiliar when someone actually cares about me

[slatyb]

Counseling could help. Don't do what I did -- reject every woman who admired me and cared, and then marry a narcissist.

[Asker]

Thanks for the cautionary tale
It’s not lost on me, truly

[jtg13]

Unhealed wound. The lesson will repeat until you pass the test. They're teaching you something about yourself but have yet to recognize what.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

That’s a conversation best had with a therapist. A majority of our kinks and things we find attractive come from some collection of psychological trauma. You gotta dig deep to figure it out, you could just be subconsciously looking for a do-over with the first girl that hurt you.

[Asker]

An insanely deep insight!
You’re good.

I do think it’s a subconscious do over for the two girls I fell for in my teen years and both ended up with someone else after giving me all the signals in the world

[Anonymous]

I had that for a while and would work for me is... in your mind take away sex completely... And just look at her for who she is... Probably just a girl who spends all her time on makeup and in the gym. Probably pretty boring ass shit too. Literally to spend a day observing her... let her do all the talking and you might get some insight.. be a boring gray rock. Yes and no answers.

[DishLady]

Probably bc they're the ones who set the better man trap. Simple.

[Asker]

And yet they’re never available….
Makes the trap kindof pointless

[DishLady]

The trap is only set to see if they'll catch something. It's not a guarantee they're looking.

[Asker]

I hate how true that is

And yet in my case I just want to flip the script and get her hooked anyway

Maybe I’m just as toxic

[DishLady]

I think that some people get hurt enough that they choose that route. I'm telling you now not to do it. I just broke things off with a friend who, frankly, is too jaded and toxic for his own good. One you start down that path there's no coming out of it. You'll miss a lot along the way.

[Asker]

Thanks, the warning is not lost on me

I will try to steer clear

And ideally meet someone else d

I just know that my better judgement tends to fly out the window when she stares at me with her devilish blue eyes

It’s not an easy one. She’s actually all kinds of gorgeous

[DishLady]

Oooh, Leave the gorgeous gal alone. Go travel and do something for a while. Don't get all caught up.

[Asker]

Can’t.
She’s a coworker
She’ll be sitting in front of me in her office skirt and heels tomorrow and I can’t do anything about that

And worst part is she has some kind of boyfriend but the flirting she does with me is far too forward even if she was single

[DishLady]

Hussy….

[RxR0954]

Probably excitement from the rush during the highs and the lows

[Staximus]

If your mom's a psycho then you grew up thinking a psycho woman is normal, so subconsciously you seek that out

[Asker]

Why is everyone immediately bringing my mom into this?
No my mom is not a psycho
She’s a good woman, a good parent, and still married to my dad
She also isn’t “too good” or too clingy either

I can’t make this excuse my upbringing was very stable

[Staximus]

Because that is usually the number one cause of a guy seeking out a toxic or psycho woman

[MJVillarama]

You’re wired for drama and intensity, which is why “good” girls feel boring. Awareness is the first step to changing the pattern.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your mom was like the women you’re attracted to?

[Asker]

Nope
My mom is a good woman, heart of gold, strong morals, still married and loyal to my dad who’s also the same way

I can’t even blame it on bad parenting 😂

[Opinion Owner]

But is she dominant in your parents relationship?

[Asker]

Not really.
I’m her eldest and favorite who can do no wrong

If anything my younger brother should be having issues not me

I don’t think it’s family related

I think it’s more to do with my track record and how it’s impacting me

[Anonymous]

It happened to me a few times... I guess it's because I like dominant girls, and toxic girls are more likely to be dominant in bed.

[Asker]

I don’t like dominant girls
If anything the more submissive the girl is the more I get turned on

But I get the logic of your reasoning

[Opinion Owner]

I see, well, then you know what I mean ;)

[AngryCarl2]

That's a good question. How was your relationship with your mother?

[Anonymous]

Because you want sex. Bad girls and broken girls are easy to fuck. Good girls won’t do it and you hate them

[Opinion Owner]

Same thing goes to girls. They think bad guys could make more $$ and spend it to her. It’s all mistaken

[Asker]

It’s not even that

The good girls in question love sex just as much
If not more sometimes

I have enough sex in my life

But whenever I want something real and long lasting I can only picture a certain kind of woman there and she’s not a “good girl”

[LiamJHayden]

You crave the excitement.

[Asker]

I suppose that is true

But other people manage to get excitement and stability at the same time

Me I go from one train wreck to the next

[snermcger]

Crazy women are better in bed.

[In_Trance]

The law of attraction says like attracts like

[Anonymous]

You just want to get your dick wet 💦💧💧💦

[Raydergman26]

No not at times

[Anonymous]

How old is she?

[Anonymous]

The sex is great!

[Asker]

Otherworldly unfortunately

[Opinion Owner]

Toxic sex is the best