Why am I attracted to "damaged" girls?

[TAstro73]

It's not that I know that they are damaged when we start talking/ seeing one another. I'm attracted to them for personality traits they have that I find attractive, and endearing, as well as because they share similar core values with me. But a month or two in, the girls I tend to go for start telling me about ways in which they are damaged (usually involving anxiety, low self-esteem, or depression [past relationships] etc). These traits are not apparent during our initial interactions at all.

I don't see it as a bad thing. I went through my own boat-load of satan shit in life, and it's nice to have someone by your side who is able to relate to it, and maybe even understand to a degree.

But I'm curious as to if anyone has input as to why I (or other people) may be attracted to these sorts of people before we know that there is "damage", or what it is?

P. s. I've heard of this White Knight Syndrome thing, and I really don't think it applies to my case (or the case of many other guys online) as I'm not aware that these potential partners are damaged when I start to go out with them. But I do stick with them because I personally don't see them as damaged, just as my partner who is going through a rough time. And as their partner, I do what I can to support them going through a rough time.

Also, I'm not trying to use damaged as a derogatory term, just to convey my question better. Obviously I dated, and even loved whole-heartedly one of the people I'm talking about. I have nothing but respect for these ex-partners, and wish them nothing but the best.

[btbc92]

Well for starters, stop being a jerk off and calling them damaged women. A lot of women are damaged because a lot of us Trust a lot of you men and then you let us down. We gave you a hearts, for those I gave their virginity they did, you don't want to get married, you fool around, you don't keep your promises, and then you make false promises, made a list continue to go on? You say that you are attracted to them even though you say they're damaged. But I believe that what it is that you are attracted to is the natural state of their heart. A lot of women that are damaged or not necessarily bad people. They're actually good women but they've been tricked and destroyed and now they ended up having a lot of darkness in their hearts. You're attracted to whatever little light that they have left, while it's hiding behind anxiety, the low self-esteem, or depression. Anybody can go through those things. But you also attract those who share the same qualities in issues. So if they have depression not out of 10 times you two may have some type of depression that you don't even know about. Everybody has low self-esteem, but it depends on what they have low self-esteem about. Just like a lot of people suffering anxiety, but not everybody suffers anxiety the same way. You love the good in them. But you are not willing to tolerate and help them go through with what they are struggling with. You are not willing to show them different or better than other men have did for them.

The thing is is that you got to get yourself to a healthier level, and not just rush into dating random people you do not fully know and understand and is willing to work with. The only reason why you maintain relationships with such women even though they didn't work out, is because you felt obligated to stay with them. And that was the wrong thing for you to do. The wise thing that you should have done was to immediately dropped contact oh, and make sure they seek help. Because a lot of them go around dating people and they're constantly getting more damaged because they didn't bother changing their lifestyle or their way handling things. You got to push these people into getting the truth. And you do not go dating these girls into you are absolutely certain you know who they are from the inside out. And if they are not giving you the truth, for whatever reason they are not telling you that is not rational no logical. You are not obligated to date them I don't care how cute they look. And this is coming from a person who suffered through unnecessary hell. Also please don't believe in that white knight syndrome garbage. There is nothing wrong for a man to try to be in a woman's life and help a goat do the struggles together. In fact that is what a man is supposed to do the same way a woman is supposed to be a pillar in a man's life. the problem is a lot of these women are a lot more stronger than they give him some credit for.

[btbc92]

It's just that the men that leave them are the ones that are really weak.

[Logical_Idolist]

But he's right to call them damaged.

[btbc92]

No, he is not. Because many of them aren't damaged. Just broken. Yet, he doesn't want to really understand why they're like that. And that's how so many of them become bitter and resentful. That's how I ended up becoming. All because they couldn't get what they wanted. Too many people are cruel instead of respecting and doing right by others. When you try to do right by telling others do it The Godly Way, by waiting till marriage to have sex and stop with the premarital sex, people want to talk about how is too religious. But didn't complain about people being damaged. It's hypocrisy. This is not the proper way to handle situations like this.

[Logical_Idolist]

You seem to be focused on the relationship aspect. And damaged is broken. And that's your personal experience. And you are generalizing wayyy too much. Although I agree with some of your response, the majority is something I think is incorrect.

[Logical_Idolist]

And you calling him a jerk off was quite hypocritical of you. I think the question is nice and it shows he's a good person.

[btbc92]

No. There is a amnor difference between damaged and broken. Many of them do not ask to be fixed, they want to be understood and respected. They ask for patience, kindness, and gentleness. Instead you got people who want to push them, break their walls down, used, abused them, and then walk out of their lives once they see that they've been beaten down for far too long. Instead of making it easier, they making it worse. And once the damage is done then they run away. And sadly, that's how a lot of those girls become controlling, and abusive. That's how many of them become guarded women.

[Logical_Idolist]

Oh believe me. I understand completely. And the more you explain, the more I agree with you. But at the same time, these people may not know how to understand. They may not know what that person needs.

[btbc92]

I know, because I am to a broken individual. I called him a jerk off because he's calling women damaged and that is not the proper term to be calling somebody. But not every person is exactly the same. And I am not talkin from a relationship aspect as far as dating. I am talking about on broad spectrum of bonds and relationships, be it familial, platonic, romantic, sexual, Etc. These are all relationships, that we form from the time of a birth to the time of our death. And how you choose to make those choices and decisions in your life will affect other people's Fates and Future. That is what made me not want to date and is a celibate woman now. Because I don't need to deal with people who are so selfish to have no care, no empathy or sense of morals, that I too end up losing my identity as a woman. A person that truly loves you and wants to be there in your life, would just be there in your life and it would not do anything to hurt you deliberately, nor try to use you because of your kind and Keen nature. Many people that are broken never asked to be broken. And people who end up damaged are damaged because they went from broken to completely destroyed. I have seen what systems have done to the psychological mind of others. Many end up in a mental house. Because that's exactly what it almost did to my late mother who ended up dying of cancer. We are responsible for how others end up because of our Reckless decisions and choices. People complain about the responsibility, but they don't want to be responsible for the actions. That's why I tell people, if you can't handle it you better stay out of it. Because it's not going to be anybody else's fault but yours.

[btbc92]

No. I know for myself because of a lot of them wanted to understand they would just try. I had this talk with people throughout my entire life, and all I received was mockery and bullying. You got to remember that people in general in this world do not give a damn about you. Whether you are alive or dead you'll just be another statistic and they'll just move on with their lives as if you never existed. That's why irregardless to what they think and feel, you had to stay true to yourself and treat others the same way how you desire to be treated. Because there is a lot of darkness and evil in this world. Others show that they care and love you through the actions not just by their words. I had dealt with a lot of trails in my life, and received a big wake-up call be it from family, friends, people that I've encountered throughout my life. People that I thought I can trust I could not trust anymore. Family that I thought that really love and care about me, shown and proven that they have changed to the point that even I cannot be around them. A lot of us have to see what time who's going to be in your corner, and who isn't. Let's just say that I had a lot of growing up to do. And many of those hardships, be it through abuse both emotionally and physically I had to learn to stand up on my own two feet. By connecting my heart with others, allows me to not only heal, but allows me to also heal others. You can't help people who do not wish to be helped. And you cannot change people, who do not already want and seek change by their own free will. So it is Gravely unfair to call people damaged, because many of these damaged people also seek to be healed. But not everybody is equipped to handle the job.

[btbc92]

We have a lot of sensitive Souls out here. Unique Souls easily cracked with just one touch of doubt and pain. Just because they are rare, it doesn't mean we take advantage of them. People who easily judge such individuals do not understand such pain, until they themselves experienced that same pain and is stuck in that hole when nobody wants to look in and see what's in it. Some people sadly have to go through it, so they won't continue abusing life and people as if it's a game.

[TAstro73]

Look, I do honestly really appreciate your feedback. Though there is a lot I could reply to here, I'll keep it short. At no point was I trying to use damaged as a derogatory word in any sense. It was simply a descriptor to describe my situation.

Frankly, I may be misreading parts of your post, but there seemed to be lots of hostility towards me in your reply. To which I leave you with the comment. I have been faithful and loving in all the relationships I was referencing in my post. At no point, even do this day do I look down on, or pity the women I was with. Like I said in my post... I wish them all the best. And I would still be there to support them if they ever came to me for help.

But to clear the air, with regards to people I may have been referencing in my post. One girl cheated on me with one of my best friends, and left me with the dog we had gotten together, because she wanted nothing to do with me or him, then went to date the friend she cheated on me with. She cheated on him a year later. The second girl, decided to literally disappear, and moved to an Islamic country because she liked the role of women there (I don't have contact with her for obvious reasons). And the third, decided she wanted to be submissive to me in a poly relationship, and I didn't want to degrade her to the degree she asked me to (she cheated too).

So considering you label "men that leave" as weak, and rope me in the same category, it may not be the most justified considering you don't know my situation, and you don't know me.

To your "You are not willing to show them different or better than other men have did for them." I personally beg to differ. People can hurt people regardless of what sex or gender they may be. It's not just men, it's not just women. Both can commit wrongs. I frankly noticed in your post, this became less about helping understand my situation better, and just became a tangent against hurtful men. To which I agree. People should be better to one another.

[TAstro73]

@Logical_Idolist I really appreciate you standing up for me while I was away from my computer. Thank You for your input and contribution on my thread!

All the best!

[btbc92]

Asker, the point here is this. You don't call people damaged. At all. Damaged people are ones in mental hospitals taking shots, pills, and psycho teraphy. These chicks hear are because you have issues where you feel like you need to fix them until they shown they can't be fixed. I am not being hostile to you, but warning with using words out of term. The problem is you lack awareness and yes you are weak, that's why one cheated on you with a so-called best friend. You attracted screwed up girls. Not damaged. I'm referring to men in this situation because number one, it is you men that are called to be head over us, and it's supposed to lead women. It is not the other way around with a woman has to do a man's job. Which is probably another reason why you had ended up with one that ended up in the Islamic country because that says a lot. As much as I don't agree with what they did to you, the point is you pick these women. So it says a lot what is happening with you not with them. They are just flat-out crazy.

[btbc92]

You made them out to be like they're good but it's very clear that they would never good in the first place. You need to stop putting them on a pedestal. This is why you're not being respected.

[TAstro73]

I think that at this point we are getting into unnecessary semantics in our use of the word damaged vs. broken here.

But regardless, thank you for your opinion.

[J2ohhhhh]

I studied what you shared here. With this girl I've been talking for months without any success. We meet tomorrow. Thanks so much for helping to understand how damaged girl works. As Hugo said "pretty girls ain't become nuns"

[Sweetascandy1990]

You said, "I went through my own boat-load of Satan shit in life." Maybe explore more of that with a therapist if you see it becoming a negative pattern or codependency. I'm like you, but I attract and attracted to bad boys and I realized the pattern. I'm really damaged, but trying to heal.

This is what I responded to a GAG user: He asked why women are attracted to bad boys:

Women and men desire what they can't have. It becomes a challenge. In general confidence is attractive in both men and women. Bad boys have this confidence or mask of confidence they portray to the world. Women with low self-esteem who don't know their worth might rely on someone like this to feel validated due to bad men being sweet talkers and using manipulative tactics for sex or other favors in return. Highly empathetic women desire these men to rescue them and try to help them be better men. Women who had bad father figures or trauma attract bad boys... you are attracted to what you are familiar.

I've learned the hard way... to stay away lol 😊 I need a man not a boy in general with good character qualities.

[TAstro73]

HAHA thank you for your response. It was very insightful. I luckily enough had committed to therapy in the past when I really needed it, it's how I dealt with the "Satan shit" :P.

I don't believe I'm at a point where I'd consider myself damaged still, but there are definitely scars from shit that happened in the past.

Again, thank you very much for your response!

[Sweetascandy1990]

You're welcome! That's good then and I'm glad you got therapy. Those scars have made you a stronger and empathetic person. Girls probably sense that and feel safe around you. It sounds like in your case it is not an unhealthy pattern. Best wishes buddy <3

[spuitkaas]

Most people in their 20s go through 'something'. It's a difficult and constantly changing age, so it's hard to find someone nit damaged.
Also, maybe these girls feel comfortable sharing their thoughts with you so they look more damaged, but are just normal girls with struggles in life.
Other than that, maybe you're also a person that likes to soothe people that are distressed. You like to be their comfort shield. I know a guy just like that and he also always attracts damaged girls. Attraction comes from both sides, so these girls might be more attracted to a person like that.

[TAstro73]

Thanks for the answer!

I definitely could agree with the idea that I have a tendency to act as a "comfort shield." I was raised in a family that valued being able to provide stability to the family, and I notice that I echo that value in my own relationships. Very insightful submission!

[bamesjond0069]

Because any woman who isn't embracing biological realities is damaged. So pretty much any woman you meet is going to be fucked up to some degree. The only girls who I've met who aren't screwed up are girls who are not forced into excessive jobs or careers and who are virgins. Tbh if a girl has an ex she had sex with she will have emotional issues to some degree. Everyone knows a womans virginity is important but not everyone wants to admit it. Imagine how fucked up as a man you would feel if you worked hard your whole life and saved and invested and made lots of money and one day poof its gone. Trust me you would have lots of unresolved anger and depression. Unlike men women start off with something valuable and they throw it away usually and then instead of embracing reality they further try to pretend its ok by compensating by having careers and degrees and stuff. No shit every girl you meet is damaged.

[The1Guy]

Simply like attracts like. Do you think "damaged" mught apply to you as well? Not as a derogatory term, obviously.

You are attracted to qualities, that you yourself have and relationships that you are used to.

Try to grow beond what is "damaged". It's easier together, harder and maybe impossible alone.

How? By seeing only the good qualities in your partner and enhancing them as though through a magnifying glass, so much, that the bad qualities become invisible by comparison. Ask her to play this game with you.

You will be surprised how fast you can fix all that "damage".

Then you'll reveal more damage. More qualitative damage, than before. Then do the same.

[ClothoZero]

It’s probably because it gives you a chance to make yourself feel like her “savior” of sorts. People, especially men, like to feel like they are the cause of a benevolent change in a person, and it’s great that you want to help. However, you need to be very careful; if you date a depressed person and they remain depressed throughout the relationship, that’s to be expected. Even if the person hasn’t undergone any specific trauma, you cannot totally get rid of it no matter how close you try to get to them and you should NOT blame yourself or them for that. That said, it is still perfectly ok and encouraged to offer support.

[TAstro73]

I personally don't subscribe to the idea that I'm holding some form of "Savior" or "Jesus" complex when I approach a relationship with these partners/ potential partners. But I do agree with the idea that I enjoy being able to grow with my partner.

Further, I appreciate and agree with what you had to say about dating depressed people who remain depressed throughout the relationship. It's not healthy for either party to continue down that path if neither of us is growing in the relationship.

Thank you for your response!

[ClothoZero]

Oh, I don’t mean savior in the religious sense. I mean it literally, like you are saving her from sadness.

[kdizzleforizzle91]

I go through the same thing you do every time I date someone new. Because most of the issues they’ve dealt with were through no fault of their own, I try to be patient and understanding, and hope to be able to support and help them work through it. But unfortunately, there are times when someone who has emotional or other baggage crosses the line and just becomes a straight up asshole. My problem is not noticing the difference early enough. But I do always get out of the situation once I figure it out. I just wish I was better at it.

[realquickq2ask]

I think it would be wrong to ignore that every human being is "damaged" in one way or another. No matter who you are, in some area of their life, each person has deep, personal wounds that they have yet to heal from, or scars reminding them and often keeping them hurt. Of course there is a difference in levels of how much someone is hurting, but I think it's a natural human instinct to go towards someone whose pain, although on the surface might seem much greater than your own, actually matches the possibly subconscious pain you feel as well. I've had problems going for incredibly messed up people, and it took me so long to realize how similar our sufferings were just because they manifested in our lives and personalities in different ways. I always think it's a reality check about myself when I go for people who turn out very tormented. It makes me take time to reevaluate myself.

[derd001]

It’s probably something about your personality that attracts them. You’re probably very patient, understanding, and really nice. You probably give off a comfortable atmosphere. You might be on their same wave length in a sense. Maybe they feel you can handle all the baggage they bring to the table when others in the past couldn’t. Honestly man, I have the same issue except it’s guys. And they come with soooo much baggage. But that’s off topic. Or, maybe it’s just the type of girls in your “scene” that you attract. That probably sounds strange, but it really could be a reason.

[SarahVanRensburg]

Spot on.

[DamnCurtis]

A large number of people are so called “damaged”
We all have our problems and will open up about them once we feel comfortable.

I wouldn’t worry about it. Considering how self reflective you are it’s unlikely that you’re some weirdo white knight creeper preying on the vulnerability of damaged girls.

[TAstro73]

I fully agree with what you wrote. It resonated a lot with me.

Thank you very much for your input.

[hhues]

I personally whole-heartedly believe that the people who add the most value to the world are people who have gone through bad things and learned from them. Yes, this makes them damaged, but it also makes them unique and more well-versed in life.

Damaged people have things to share and teach, and I think they're generally more interesting.

[AlienParasite]

Because depression is the sickness of 21st century and therefore related issues like burn-out, anxiety, stress and low self-esteem are very common to happen to a great part of population. Then, is not that you like or find attractive girls with those issues, is more like most people have those issues, so it's easier to find someone "damaged" than someone with zero issues.

[Xx420xxDANKOxx420xX]

Because hardships creates real bois/girls, supposing they have the abilty to learn from it (exeptions are those who get mindcontrolled and trapped before they learn the right tools). Depression, anxiety, and all such bad emotions can in the end teach the best life lessons, which obviously makes the person better. Lots of quotes will agree with me on my last statement.

[SugarLeaf]

Actually, at least in my circle of friends, it's pretty commom to find girls like this. Maybe it's about our genneration. I can't be sure, but they gennerally have something in commom in their personalities, and it cativates us. I'm saying us because I also got involved with a girl like this. And of course we can't help but want their hapiness and try to help them. at least for me, I don't know

[mornings98]

Maybe because you like that side of their personality where you get to "dig deeper" because you're the type of person to value someone's deepest emotions

[TAstro73]

I really appreciate this answer, and I think there is definitely truth to it. Thank you for your response.

[mornings98]

I'm just like you in this sense. I'm also attracted to someone who's somewhat "damaged" because I want to know about the littlest of details about them that they would otherwise never share. Basically I just wanna grow with them and help them too

[Yunnie]

Maybe you have a strong personality so when it comes to your partner, you're attracted to a weaker person so you can help out. You can be the one being with them and talking it through it.

[TAstro73]

Maybe, but usually, I'm attracted to them for the strengths I see in them, not the weaknesses. Though, I do admit... having had to overcome a lot of my own weakness in life, I do value being able to provide support to my partner and help them through the rough times.

[ellenkoning]

Being "damaged" gives certain traits (good and bad) like being humble, self a ware and not taking everything for granted, i can see why you might be atracted to this

[Ductile]

My guess is your attracted to certain traits that are a result of certain experiences. Maybe theyre the coping mechanisms, I dont know you hadn't given enough detail

But the truth is, everyone has gone through shit to get to where they are, its the way we go through it that matters

[Syrian_survivor]

I'm the same, I just do as much as I can to help people, men and women alike, and what's a better chance of doing that than a woman opening her heart to me and trusting me to help her with every problem she faces and every hardship she stumbles upon?
Even if she ends the relationship, I'd still be proud that I was able to affect a person as much as I could, even if it hurts me, so yeah xD

[winterfox10]

It could be that you like the challenge. Not every guy who likes to be there for women is trying to save them.

[TAstro73]

I never perceived it as a "liking the challenge" thing in the past if I'm being honest. More just that I don't quit on partners when they are going through a hard time, or if they have some baggage (IMO, we all have some baggage).

I do agree with you that not all guys who want to be there for their partner are trying to save them. You got me thinking though, maybe there is an aspect to it that wants to show them that not all guys are shit, or will use you, or treat you like crap. And there is a part of me that might believe in growing with the partner in a way that shows them they are worth so much more than what they have received in the past.

One thing I do know, is that guys/girls can be outright dicks to those they are in a relationship with, which causes too much unnecessary damage moving forward.

[winterfox10]

Supporting your partner is just being a good boyfriend/girlfriend. I know that the main reason my girlfriend and I are together is because she simply realized one day that I am one of the only people (maybe even the only person) in her life, who hasn't been trying to sabotage her or take advantage of her.

I don't consider what I am doing with her as trying to save her. I am with her because she has shown me a piece of my soul that I never knew was there.

[TAstro73]

I really appreciate and respect that response! Thank you! As I feel very much the same way about the person that I am currently seeing.

[winterfox10]

Good! I"m glad to hear that you're in the same boat as I am!

[mlgjamz]

You gravitate towards people that understand you and vice versa.

[TAstro73]

I could definitely agree with this viewpoint. I gravitate towards people that can relate to some degree to certain past experiences.

Old quote I like: "When you get on with someone you meet for the first time like you just became best friends playing in kindergarten, it's because your demons know one another so well"

[Rissa95]

I think what you're not seeing here is that every single person is somehow damaged. Noone gets spared in this life. No man or woman.

[DDpsy]

The problem is not if and even how damaged they are because everyone is "damaged" to an extent. The problem when they let their issues interfere with their behavior towards you which is a their choice. When they intentionally burden, manipulate and shame you with their "issues". When they don't give a shit about you and would never give the same courtesy in regard with your issues...
So just don't let your protector instinct be used as a means to get you fucked over.

[Izumiblu]

I don't know, like its pretty loose to say people are damaged when you are only referring to people that talk about anxiety, low self esteem or depression. That could be just about anyone one at any given moment.

[iamcece]

all i can say is, keep being that support system but don’t forget yourself either ❤️