Do you think it's normal for someone to break your self-esteem like this?

[Anonymous]

This person was like 'oh back home you were the head' (as in the leader) of the class etc. There was an implication of... unlike now

I said I'm still ahead of people etc.

She was like, 'Yeah you can just think that in your head.'

Not only was she implying I was behind others but also her saying oh you can think that in your head it's like yeah whatever makes you feel better.

I know she's being a bitch. But I'm so used to her being a bitch that I think it's my new normal

Updates

1 mo

It’s my mom

[HollyK21]

“ I know she's being a bitch. But I'm so used to her being a bitch that I think it's my new normal”


You’ve already declared this your new normal, so why complain? If it’s so soul-breaking and degrading, freakin speak up for yourself rather than settling for mistreatment. This is an easy fix, so do something about it.

[Asker]

Because it’s been happening for so long that a part of me thinks she’s rude a part of me is like maybe she’s just telling the truth

That’s the extent of the gaslighting

[HollyK21]

Do you consider this woman your friend? If so, then why on earth can’t you bring this up and have an adult conversation? Because it sounds like you gaslight yourself out of bringing it up, or just don’t have the nerve entirely and I’m really not sure why. Let’s say she’s not your friend, and/or you’ve already talked about this — that conversation was a boundary and it is your duty to uphold it. Otherwise, this is the result, and after so many instances of it happening and no reprimanding from you, how would she know it’s a problem? How’s she to know you even care, or notice? She can’t read your mind and if you want to say it should be common sense, well, sometimes common sense isn’t so common and what’s blatantly inappropriate or disrespectful for one person may not seem that way to the next.

[Asker]

It’s my mom I’ve brought it up enough times

[HollyK21]

Oh, you definitely should consider updating your post with that information, because I think it adds a huge portion of context. Knowing it’s your mom, I think more people would feel completely unsurprised because a lot of parents are notorious for feeling entitled to shitting on their kids, in one way or another. She’s treated you this way your whole life, it’s not going to change and you should get as far away from her as you can. Then consider some therapy to unpack years of trauma that no amount of conversations on this site can tackle.

[Asker]

She’s jealous right?

[HollyK21]

I can really only base my answer to that off the context alone, and given the exchange, I don’t really feel as though it alludes to jealousy. If anything it sounds like she’s giving you a hard time for not being further along in life whereas you were such a scholar in high school. I don’t know what your mom is like, but if she’s been known to have unreasonably high expectations of you, then her words sound like nothing you do is ever good enough. With parents like that, they were probably raised this way and don’t know any better. Either that or they didn’t do well growing up and want the opposite so much for you, yet can’t give you the credit when it’s due. Parents like this are just toxic, exhausting and stuck in their ways.

[Asker]

No I don't think it's that because when I woudl do well in high school she'd try to downplay it say things like 'see it's because you prayed etc.' like she won't give credit where it's due.

Plus there's a lot of comparing me to others - as though somehow others are superior.

If she wasn't my mom I'd punch her to be honest.

Yeah my mom was a terrible student she once told me on her exams when she didn't know what to write her and some of her classmates would write names of famous movies as the answers as a joke to the prof

[HollyK21]

Maybe to fault, I am quite a literal person when I’m giving advice. So when I look at the definition of jealousy, it means: “a complex, often painful emotion that arises when you perceive a threat to a valued relationship or status.” So when I compare that definition to what you describe is going on, I guess I have a hard time seeing it as jealousy vs a parent whose expectations are irrationally high for their kid as a result of their own upbringing. I also perceive her as a woman who wasn’t given much love or affection growing up, probably had strict/harsh parents (or parent singularly, if the other wasn’t that way or she was raised in a single parent household). It could even be the opposite and she wasn’t raised with enough structure so she puts all that onto her kid or kids. I could not say definitely. But what I can say with factuality is that you are never obligated to keep dealing with any person who is more detrimental to your life than positive. Just because your blood does not excuse bad behavior or mistreatment. If you live with your mom, I’d really encourage you to save, move out, and enjoy some independence. If you already live separately, I would still encourage some distance, not even just from her but anyone who won’t respect your boundaries. Like I said, she’s been this way your whole life, is set in her ways and she most likely won’t be changing any of that. You can’t control it. But what you can control is the treatment you accept from others, along with advocating for yourself and teaching others how to treat you. If you were to distance yourself a bit, even mentally in the form of not sharing too much or engaging in conversations with her that you already know will inevitably go downhill, then you will start to see a change.

[HollyK21]

**you’re blood

[Nikki1989]

Another one for the "why the hell was this posted anonymously" file.

[Billlewis]

About 3/4 of everything that happens in the world is the result of jealousy. It sounds like she's jealous of you.

[Asker]

Can I tell you a secret? It’s my mom

[Billlewis]

No surprise there. One of the most jealous people I've ever dealt with was my biological mom.

[Asker]

Did your mom ever try to sabotage you? My mom has done this enough times

[Billlewis]

Oh, absolutely. She kicked me out of the house twice before age 21, the first time to a foster home and the second time my stepmom was granted custody of me. A lot of times, your mom can be one of your worst enemies, and in my experience, this is often due to jealousy, because they're angry that their youth is gone, and they resent you for having yours.

[exitseven]

don't let her get to you. If you are good with yourself then that is all that is important.

[exitseven]

Thanks for the MHO