Advice if a guy keeps flip-flopping?

[Anonymous]

A guy ALWAYS makes a big gesture, showing his kindness by doing me a favor, but mid-way he backs out, then finally decides to meet his initial obligation.

I would understand if he had just said "No, I can't" from the beginning. I'm just not certain what to make of all his flip-flopping.

For example, after a month-long agreement, he did another one of these last-minute flip-flops; I had to pop around to his office last week, unannounced, to ask him what was going on; he was really sweet, a little defensive, but when his excuse flopped, he explained what a big deal it would be for him to do this thing for me and agreed to work on the task. He had it completed perfectly by that afternoon.

What in the world is up with this guy?

[islands7]

Wow can you paint this with a bigger brush and even less detail to cover up exactly what this situation was all about? It's so out of focus holistically - on purpose, granted - I'm afraid all you'll get in "answers" are ones that appear to be on your side, even bashing him. Here's my guess, although not with the benefit of detailed foundation of facts.

1. Gesture made = he would LOVE to do this for you and see your life happier because of his contribution. He is showing love or something close to it.

2. Life begins to make his gesture appear to grow from "getting you a pet canary from the shop down the street" to "getting you an elephant from India".

3. It becomes evident that his balking over this is going to turn the gesture from heaven into a gesture from hell, you will not be smiling but instead frowning = oops!

4. He then gains the extra resolve required to GetRdone, although the result has lost some luster by being dragged through the balk, questioning & resolve stages.

Maybe next time a promise comes your way, you say

a. so long as it doesn't cause you any inconvenience at all, in fact just surprise me when something nice happens

b. thank you, dear and I'll return the favor (if it ever comes through)

[Asker]

Sorry, it's really a confusing time for me. It most likely shows in the way the question was posted. I really just want the group's advice; it doesn't matter if I get opposing views. :-)

First, thanks for your answer; I appreciate that you numbered the parts. I have a few follow-up questions:

(1) you really think so?

(2) so you think he made a big deal out of it to make sure I noticed it was special, "for me"?

(3) yes, exactly, but if he's trying to be nice, why'd he do that?

(4) ==>

[Asker]

(4) so why would he agree in the first place?

a. I've tried this already. He smiles, looks at his shoes and says, "Okay." and the next time I ask about something he hops right to saying "Yes." and the cycle continues...

b. I always thank him and even offer help when I can. It hasn't changed the cycle at all.

[islands7]

(2) so you think he made a big deal out of it to make sure I noticed it was special, "for me"?

Nooo, I think his life becomes very complicated, then this promise begins to look to him like a marthon, instead of the initial walk a block to get it done ... it is THIS that makes him balk

[islands7]

(4) I'm beginning to think that many times HE doesn't make the gesture until after YOU suggest specifically what he might do to help you out. I'm reading that you get him to agree to something you need/want instead of my first reading that suggested he thought up a gesture that would help with no "agreement"

[islands7]

As an agreement you thought up, he wants to be THE man to provide it with no initial thoughts to the consequences to come ... when these arrive, he balks but has still successfully blocked any other man from providing it - one of the goals tanget to making you happier. That's the WHY. As for you dreaming up things for him to agree to do, I don't see a future in this. Those things that require an agreement, then followup "spurs" need to go to someone else, sadly.

[Asker]

Yes, I totally see (2). I've actually asked him not to do things beyond what's reasonable for him, I really have, but the first chance he gets, he's there to help me. Yes, sometimes I do ask for help, but only if it's something that's specific to his area of expertise, as opposed to mine. What's frustrating is that If I try to go to different people for assistance, they refer me to him; he's always there, waiting, with a smile. I'm not "dreaming" anything up. He volunteers himself or others do...

[Asker]

Actually, I think I have shown him (2) in response to the kind things he has done for me. I thank him by bringing him food and stuff.

[Asker]

And how would I "get him" to agree with anything at all? If there's something he can't do (because he hasn't the time, the inclination, etc.), I'm certainly not pushing him to go do it. He just has to say "No, I can't." Simple! I'm always so grateful to him afterward, even if he drags the favor out, but I'd still think of him as a good person if he didn't always step in to help from the getgo... I just wish to understand his motivation.

[islands7]

Can you put a finer point on a) the type of favors you need & b) the expertise he holds? I might be able to guess the rest of this mystery.

[Asker]

Sure. Mind if I friend you, though? I don't want to plaster the nitty gritty details here on the public board.

On a funny note, I saw him today. He came outside to let everyone within earshot hear him announce that he was doing me this big favor -- one I hadn't asked for at all, for something I have pretty much under control...

[islands7]

OK friend ... give me a clue what your handle's first letter is because my SOP is to reject or ask WHY? to these requests due to spammers.

You threw me a softball! He's obviously getting a public ego boost that he is in demand for favors from someone that looks like you if they don't know you or ... is considered local royalty like you if everyone knows who you are.

[Asker]

Lol. Sure thing. I tend to have the same reflex (in terms of spammers).

You may be right about the ego thing...

[pj411985]

Isn't flip-flopping a cousin to playing game, a guy plays hard to get and confused the heck out of you?

[Anonymous]

if he keeps flip flopping, he's not worth your time.

[Anonymous]

he's stringing you along