I found out my girlfriend lives with her ex of 3 years- and I just now found out?

[Anonymous]

I want some thoughtful advice here. I have been dating a girl for 3 months. She lives with 2 male roommates. I thought nothing of it and thought it was cool, they are friends. She sends me a text earlier this week reading: you know that guy I said I dated 3 years, 4 years ago? He is my best friend, I see him every day, I live with him. He is my roommate. We know we work best as friends and not in a relationship. They work together too.

I didn't respond. And later told her to f*** off the next day over the phone. I was kept in the dark about this the whole time, while even hanging out with the guy. I felt like this should of been disclosed so much earlier. I find it very weird and strange regardless of when she told me but really? I don't think any romantic feelings are there but I can't imagine living with an ex whom I've had sex with. And then claiming them as "my best friend". The text while I was at work was very immature. I had just told her an ex of mine tried to contact me a few days before too.

Should I listen to her? I am curious as to why it was a secret to begin with. Or should I not give her any more chances? I was really into her before this all went down. I want to make things work but don't know if it's even worth it. What would you do if you were really into your current boyfriend/girlfriend and this happened?

Updates

+1 y

I welcome even more comments! I've appreciated those that have commented on this issue very much. I realize maybe I am being a jerk, but also feel I have every right to be.


I guess this is just really complicated. I will be taking a break and letting things cool off before doing anything. I hope she does the same and maybe we can someday come to a resolution on the situation. If not, I will be getting on with my life regardless.

[polejunkie1]

I think she told you because she is really in to you. If she still wanted to be with her ex I'm sure they'd be together. I am still really good friends with some of my ex's and my boyfriend is good friends with some of his. It doesn't bother either of us because when introduced to these people (albeit a few months in to our r'ship) we were up front and honest about it. You never know if it goes well she might move out and move in with you instead :) the worst thing you could do right now is act jealous and immature. If you tell her you find it weird but you trust her and you act cool with it she'll have a LOT of respect for you.

Also, my personal trick when meeting my boyfriends ex's: become really good friends with them: a) you will look really cool and laid back and non- possessive (always a good thing!) b) if they are still friends your partner will value their opinion so by making them like you and gaining their approval you will make your partner like you even more and c) even if they (the other party) wanted to get back with their ex (your gf), they'd feel guilty because you're their bud! :D

Hope this helps!

[Asker]

I think if she would of respected me, she would of told me early on. I would of been more understanding of her situation, and feel less deceived. I was literally the last to know.

[Asker]

I also think you would think differently if you boyfriend saw his ex everyday, worked with him, and lived with him as a roommate. It's much different.

[polejunkie1]

I agree it is different, but as adults we need to deal with things maturely. In a perfect world we would have no ex's and such, but in reality we do. She probably held off from telling you because she was unsure and nervous about your reaction. I would bet she didn't tell you in the beginning because of a fear of losing you right away. I reiterate: being in such close quarters with her ex, if they wanted to be together, I'm certain they would be together by now.There's no feelings there...

[Asker]

I agree with what you are saying and maybe I just need some time to take a step back and see where we are. Communication is vital to me so I'm still unsure of where this places us. I suppose time will tell, if anything. This is just so different than what I'm accustomed to dealing with exes.

[Asker]

I take her relationship with her ex as a clear sign of not letting go. No matter how strong the bond between an ex and I, I think I would just let it go. I'm not that desperate for friends.

[xilixili]

just tell him how you think, and ask not to live with her ex together, not to contact that often, let ehr know you are not happy with it.

if she won't care for your feeling, then leave her.

[bittersweet17]

If I was in that situation I'd break it off and never talk to that person again.

[Asker]

Can you explain why? I agree with you at this point but am still on the fence.

[bittersweet17]

Some of the reasons you mentioned before plus I wouldn't be comfortable with it.. like knowing they're best friends? How does that happen after long relationships? Did anything carry on after that? Especially knowing they LIVE TOGETHER... Work together, heck they might as well be together >< it's just too weird for me to deal with. Also the way she told you about it... And the timing... Why tell you at all if it's not a big deal right? But obviously it is so why did she not tell you fromthestart

[Asker]

Yeah you make great points and have hit on everything I am feeling. It's just so bizarre. Friendships end the moment a relationship begins. And I agree they might as well just be together.

[bittersweet17]

Trust wouldn't even make it into this issue for me, it's too uniquely out there, flat out not comfortable. Why are her barriers like that? I would say more, elaborate, but I need to sleep. :x

[Asker]

Yeah say more after you get some sleep. This is helpful.

[bittersweet17]

Why does it take a couple 3 years to work out they'd be better as just friends? To me that sounds ridiculous. That would tell me she is holding onto his company, or his, hers. It sounds like if you were to continue dating he'd be this tag along thing. I just wonder, how does a 3 year, meaningful relationship 'end' into a friendship? Someone help me out because I don't get it. 2 weeks I can understand. I don't carry on relationships with exs out of respect and clarity to my prospective boyfriend amongst

[bittersweet17]

other things. I don't see why she needs to hang around him, they'd be so involved doing all those activities together.. the world is big and she doesn't live in a small town, you don't need to hang around for convenience sake.

[bittersweet17]

If you bring up something this could possibly prove to be a big issue, YOU DON'T TEXT IT. Especially to someone at WORK who can't always reply or get their head around it, its not a good choice of environment. If she has something like that that she kept from you till now, she should be WILLING to go about it in such a way that ALLOWS COMMUNICATION.

[Asker]

I want to ask her these things. And maybe I will someday. You are absolutely right. I don't understand the thumbs down you received. I just really don't get it either. It's honestly hard to comprehend. I literally don't know how. If there is a good reason for it, I'd definitely like to hear it.

I really hope I can hear her side of the story someday, because it is a mystery.

[Asker]

Finally, someone that gets it. Yes the text pissed me off more than anything to be honest. I was at work and literally could not focus and was floored. Luckily I have awesome coworkers to discuss this with, but it's like "you really just did that?" I lost a lot of respect for her when she pulled that. I think anything but a text or an email would of been better. Face to face would of been best and least cowardly. I just can't believe her.

[bittersweet17]

I think it's hard for people to realize there are logical healthy reasons to move on from relationships without lingering. So when I give my opinion based on that, I always get thumbed down lol.. I usually leave out explanations because they jump at that more. It's refreshing to have seen your responses to this situation. Seriously, good on you for having such a good way of dealing with it, your manner is unique and proper. :)

[Asker]

This was healthy to hear. People seem to enjoy criticizing my choice to tell her "to f*** off", but I feel involuntary reactions are natural to have in this position. I feel like I was justified in doing so. If that makes me "immature" so be it. Of course I feel bad about it, but would I apologize? No way in hell.

[TylerKaye]

I think it's not worth your time to speculate. What you need to do is ask her to clarify her feelings for you. Maybe it is better if you search yourself to see if you love (or even like) her enough to keep going for her. Don't give up. Don't doubt. Man up!

However, unfortunately if she is playing this little game with you, and you find out that your not winning. Try to win. If not, it's okay, she's got her own thing going on. The best way to get at her is NOT to (let her know) that you've moved on. Live life perfectly normal. Play some videogames, they are the magic anwser to both stress and heartache/heartbreak. (Just don't get addicted to Angry Birds, Fruit Ninja or any of the Mario Karts or Legend of Zeldas) Go to work trying to feel different.

Again, ask her. This will bother you for months if you don't. Then again, if you feel you should let her keep her secrets (or if she keeps them anyway) as the Jack Nichelson Joker from Batman 1989 would say, "it's time to retire!" So go "dance with the devil in the pale moonlight" and have yourself some good times, too.

[Asker]

I'm just going to let things cool off. I don't know how I feel at this point.

[Belgie]

It was a secret for exactly the reason you demonstrated... some guys are d***s and will explode at inconvenient info because they can't handle it like a responsible adult.

She waited until she knew you weren't just a casual date, and before you guys got WAY serious. 3 months. That's a perfectly acceptable time to lay out a bombshell, to see if the relationship is actually going somewhere or not.

As it turns out, you revealed yourself to her as a guy who is *not* going to be in her life.

Frankly, I'd be amazed if she would take you back, so I don't see why you're even wondering if you should be giving her another chance.

[Asker]

I disagree. A text was not the way to tell me.

[Belgie]

Right. You'd have preferred to blow up in her face, and make a scene.

How very macho of you.

[Asker]

I have a right to be angry. She lied to me instead of being open and honest. I have been with her.

[Asker]

I wouldn't of made a scene. That is horrible communication on her part- a text. Really? Are we in middle school?

[cbirnell]

I agree hole heartedly with this response. And a text was probably the best way to tell you, considering you probably would've tried to elicit some emotional response in person. I could see you trying to make her feel guilty, and cry just so you could feel better. The definition of trust is allowing yourself in a vulnerable position, knowing someone will react sensibly and not take advantage. Like he said, she brought this up within a perfectly acceptable timeframe, and YOU betrayed her trust.

[Asker]

She betrayed my trust. She was not honest. Let's get that straight. She told me she was JUST friends with her roommates, implying no past relationship status. I was completely shocked when reading the message. When I was at work too!

[Belgie]

Saying you are just friends with someone doesn't mean they are not your ex.

It means that you have no current intimate relationship with them. You are *just* friends. And that's all it means.

You read more into it than was said. You made assumptions. You called her a liar. You told her to f*** off.

In every way, you acted like a child.

I'm sure she can't wait to take you back...

[Asker]

It's not right to keep something like that secret. 3 years is a pretty big deal to date someone. I think if the shoe was on the other foot you'd react similarly.

[cbirnell]

Disclosing information only at the appropriate time is not dishonesty. If you can't understand that, then you are not not mature enough to be with a girl like her. Would you tell someone on a first date you were a recovering addict? No. Does a recovery addict deserve all the joys of a great relationship? Yes. Right now, you feel deceived. You're emotional. I can tell you're pissed off. Don't project those feeling onto her, making this her fault, because its not. Can't deal with it? Leave.

[Asker]

This is definitely different than the example you mentioned. She LIVES with him, he is her best friend. I am not jealous and like him as a friend myself. It's just weird. I don't know why she has to live with him and see him every day. I just find it disrespectful more than any jealousy I have.

[cbirnell]

Both represent things you would worry would be detrimental to an early relationship. Which is where the timing comes into play. If you can't accept the situation and feel secure trusting her, then be a person of integrity, accept your own limitations, and leave the relationship without throwing tantrums. You're so desperate to rationalize fault against the emotions you're obviously not in control of.

[Asker]

I appreciate your opinions.

I think it is detrimental early in a relationship from my stand point because of how she treated the situation. Not the other way around. Sure she might of been scared of how I'd react but it's really not an excuse. I'm sure I would of been confused, but not as much as I am now if she would of been more upfront sooner.

[Asker]

@: Anonymous User, you sir are a d***. You obviously have no idea what you're talking about.

[Belgie]

No sir, you're just an ignorant kid.

When you can't even conceive of the possibility that someone else wouldn't react that way you did, that says more about your limited outlook than anything else.

[Asker]

I can tell you haven't had many relationships, but that's OK. You think disagreeing with something you're partner does as "childish" really speaks volumes about you.

Keep being a doormat.

[serious_miss419]

Something like this is things you find out before even meeting a person; how they parent, if they’re fully raising their kid (s), roommate situation or live solo, alcoholic or not, debt or has a job, buys their own groceries or gets take out all the time..
They may be small details to some people but for others it’s very important

[Anonymous]

The secrecy to me is a red flag… she’s not an idiot, she knows that’s a unique living situation and is definitely something that should be disclosed. Three months? That’s so odd. Also the way she told you was also odd? I can’t see how she can explain her way out of this one. I personally would be ready to leave.

[DaveJord]

Yup, that would make me uncomfortable. I read articles on this, and bottom line is that for most guys it's not cool. Doesn't matter how she feels about it, if you are uncomfortable with it then you have every right to be uncomfortable about it.

[Iron_Man]

You can hear her out and see if she’s worth and Genuine about keeping her as a dating partner

[KrakenAttackin]

Ha! She is not your girlfriend bruh, you are the side dude.

[BigDog1989]

Yikes

[In_Trance]

dump her