Why do I constantly need male attention? How do I fix this?

[Anonymous]

Background:

Always picked on growing up - called ugly, fat, stupid, etc.

Very bad/abusive relationship with my Dad

Ended up becoming very overweight

Boys never liked me

Now:

I ended up completely transforming...I lost tons of weight and am now quite skinny. I grew out my hair,grew up, and blossomed...basically I one day woke up and it's like I was hot.

Guys were constantly hitting on me/asking me out, I started dating a model...girls acted jealous and catty...I was thrown into a completely different reality.

All of this was so different than what I experienced growing up and I think I became addicted to it. Now I'm obsessed with looking better and getting even more male attention.

Even if I see a guy I'm not attracted to at all...I'll go out of my way to put myself near him so he'll check me out.

It's like I'm feeding this ridiculous ego! I know it's out of control, but it's like I'm making up for all this lost time.

I worry that all this is just a sign of deep rooted problems.

What's your assessment? I need help? I don't want to NEED this.

[animalwithin]

Alright listen closely. I grew up in an abusive household and was also picked on. My abuse consisted of being called ugly an worthless and everythig else you can think of by a mentally ill older sibling for all of my teenage years, 13-19. Throughout high school, I played sports, had a 4.0 GPA, was dating the older girl, yet I was miserable. I felt like the only thing that could make me happy was love, attention, and approval from other people, especially women. I was popular, but miserable because I HATED myself. All those years of being called ugly and worthless had sunk in and that's all I could see myself as.

College came around. I joined a lot of programs on campus and next thing you know, I have people telling me I'm good looking and that there's a bunch of girls who like me. I didn't believe them. Fast forward a few months of that and I start to believe they really do see something in me. I started dating, got involved with a lot of girls that guys would label as 10s, yet I was still miserable. We'd date, I'd enjoy the attention, then we'd split up and I instantly statte looking fo another 10 to start giving me attention. Things would always end bad between me and those girls but I didn't care, I was miserable without the attention.

It took me YEARS to tear down my old self an build up who I am today, YEARS to realize I'm not ugly an worthless like I had been told for 8 years of my life. More importantly, I realized I had dated several women in the past couple of years that most guys would kill for, yet I was miserable. All those women taught me things about myself that I never knew until I looked back, for example like a woman can't be the soul supplier of happiness in my life, as nothin can. Same with money for other people.

Music has and always been my drug so that helped me get through the years, great friends as well, but therapy is most important. YES YOU NEED THERAPY AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. We all need therapy, I don't care how "normal" one is. It's incredibly powerful to talk to someone who's much older and is equipped with the tools necessary to help. Your abusive past is a typical-needs-therapy case. Basing your happiness on getting attention and approval from others leads to a miserable, frustrating, exhaustive road. I hope that helped, feel free to ask more if you have questions and don't hesitate to shoot me a message if you sant to talk.

[Asker]

Thanks so much for your helpful response. I feel exactly like you described. I guess after writing this out I kind of realized that I guess I subconsciously believe that maybe if I hear people compliment me enough I might start to believe it...or it might be true. I know that ultimately I need to find my self confidence within...Its just a matter of figuring out how to do that. Thanks again! I'm glad you've worked out your issues. Hopefully I can get mine sorted also. = )

[animalwithin]

You're welcome! I hope it all works out for you and like I said, seeing a therapist is perfectly okay and it helps. Its a journey you'll have to take to restore your inner confidence, and it won't be short and easy but it helps to have great people in your life.

[Ben79]

I know a couple girls that lost a ton of weight and just went crazy living the life they couldn't have in school. I sort of did that myself. I lost 50 lbs, got some confidence, and started making up for lost time sexually. No harm has come from it, so I have no regrets. Sex is fun, and now I don't feel so bad for missing out in high school. I've just been living it while my friends are married. I guess we're even.

I don't feel the same sort of need that you do. Most likely they are deep rooted issues, but they are normal deep seeded issues for someone like yourself. I think you are the type of person that could definitely be helped by a therapist simply because of how common your issues are.

[oOsweet~o~nessOo]

Something tells me your using male attention as a means to take power over men because your father took power from you - also, your trying to force yourself to really believe that you are indeed attractive and desirable, as parts of you may still be in disbelief due to the teasing / insecurity you faced growing up?

My best friend was like this; her dad was constantly on her, controlling her, and she was fat and got teased when she was younger. She told me this same stuff one day, how much she likes male attention and needs men to pay attention to her.

When they don't she feels ugly and insecure, and miserable. Could see her on days when she had a boyfriend or guys who liked her, she was full of life and so happy, and then days when she didn't, she felt fat and ugly.

This is just my two cents though...

[Asker]

That's exactly what I needed. It's like I understand that the things I mentioned were the main components of the problem, but I wanted someone to kind of fill out the psychology behind it. Thanks. I'm trying to get into therapy, but it's kind of out of my budget at the moment.

[oOsweet~o~nessOo]

No prob, psychology is my major lol :P

I think it could help to begin by forgiving your father completely of what he's done to you - to heal that old wound, and really forgive him, don't just say it, but let all your anger / sadness go. For good.

As for the insecurity, you have to understand that the reality of your beauty now is as is. Your not the fat, sad, teased girl anymore. You've blossomed into a beautiful woman who's got her life to live now.

So live girl :)

[AmberChick]

You probably didn't learn long ago like some attractive girls do that they need humility. You don't use your attractiveness to hurt others. It's like a moral thing, so try to be more humble if you can. If you see a cute guy don't go over to him. Just relax and enjoy yourself and guys will come to you on their own time. Don't make it such a priority. Gl

[boomokgirl]

Well, often times we ask advice because we are seeking confirmation of what we already know. To some degree, we all need help. So if you feel like going to a councilor, it can't hurt. Some of it is just part of being a girl, we all want to get noticed, especially when we feel we look good. Overall, itsyour decision.

[nbc5023]

you need to see a shrink badly, you have had a very painful youth and it affects you in a very negative way now

[Anonymous]

The feeling of rejection from the past.

[Anonymous]

How does your boyfriend feel about it?

[Asker]

The need for male attention he doesn't know about. Like I don't act on my needs because I love him and besides that... I'm incredibly insecure and shy...despite the fact I know I am attractive. So I could never approach these guys...I just need to know that they noticed me or find me attractive.

Beyond that ...he just kind of feeds my ego by complimenting me all the time.

[Opinion Owner]

So it seems like, he's not really your boyfriend, he's your ego boost. Not cool in my book

[Asker]

I can't say that he doesn't feed my ego...he does, but at the same time there's so much more to the relationship than just that. That's just one piece.

[Opinion Owner]

Then why do you feel the need for more male attention. It's stupid

#stupidpeopledoingstupidthings

[Asker]

Calling me stupid was super helpful. Thanks!

[Opinion Owner]

Can't help but call the truth, that's what the site is for!