Dumpers/Dumpees: Constantly Dreaming about your Ex?

[anythingbut]

Hi all, wondering if any of you have vere had any issues where you are constantly dreaming about your ex?

I've posted on here twice before, but basically I was in a 6-year relationship up until March. My ex girlf ended it out of the blue, and immediately cut me (and our dog) out of her life. Becuase of the fact that she terminated all contact with me right from day one, if feels more like I'm going through a bereavment than a break up - there is more of a sense of loss than there is of anger, frustration etc, because the whole thing hasn't been drawn out as breakups usually are. The whole thing has devastated me - and it's a struggle to get out of bed and go to work. My work has suffered unbelievably actually, but I'm hanging on in there.

I am now week 14 with no contact, and I am doing my best to make progress in getting over this unbelievable sense of loss and loneliness I feel. However, EVERY NIGHT I am having vivid dreams about her - dreams involving things that we did together, dreams involving her being cold towards me, dreams involving her wanting to get back together etc

These dreams have an unbelievable impact on me emotionally, as I always start the day off feeling depressed because of them - it's like I'm going to sleep and spending 8 hours a night thinking about her, and it's undoing all the hard work I am doing during the day trying to move on and concentrate on other things.

Does anyone else have this problem having been dumped/left by their partner? Or, even more interestingly, does this dream thing happen to people who have ended their relationships? ie do you dream constantly about the person you left?

Thanks as always for your responses.

[RedSmartie]

Well yeah dude, you were in a relationship for six years. Breakups always come with emotions and dreams and wanting that person to come back. It's even worse when the relationship was so long term. She probably had her reasons, people don't usually break off long relationships for frivolous things, but even though it was probably justified doesn't mean your feelings aren't.

It's going to be hard to let go and the dreams won't help you move on. You've got to start occupying your mind with other things. Start dating someone else, join some kind of club or social group, take a useless class at the community college, or get into a new television show with a complicated plot that requires a lot of brain power to follow. It sounds a little absurd but even if you just believe that distracting yourself will help, it will. I watched every single Disney animated film after my first relationship ended, and it worked pretty well. After I dropped out of college and I had to wait a semester until I started at the community college in the next term, I watched several hundred episodes of Doctor Who and joined the cast of A Christmas Carol at the community theater. It's all about distraction.

[anythingbut]

Hey Red smartie (great name by the way lol!) thanks for sharing your opinion with me, and you are right on many points. I'm sure she did have her reasons; I think it was around me spending too much time at the gym, and making less of an effort - but she never actually told me this so just suspicions really. Yes I agree, I've tried to occupy myself as best I can otherwise I think I would have lost my mind! Been on a fair few dates in the past 2 months (about 6 or 7 I think) but didn't enjoy :(

[RedSmartie]

That's sad. But you know, it'll take some time to feel comfortable and happy with dating again, especially because you were with her for so long. The longer you're with someone, the more they become a part of you. And when they leave, it's a little hard to re-orient yourself. It's natural.

[sunshine1991]

Hi. I am in college and dating someone I consider to be my best friend. I could not imagine losing him in such an abrupt way, so I feel for you losing someone who was part of your life for 6+ years.

First, I agree with the other ladies who have answered your question that your dreams are reflecting an unresolved issue. And indeed, from your description, I feel the end of your relationship was unresolved because of the way in which she abruptly cut off contact with you without many (if any) reasons why. This would explain why "it feels more like I'm going through a bereavment than a break up - there is more of a sense of loss." Consider, if you will, the sudden death of a loved one. If someone you loved suddenly died, you would feel there were many things left unsaid, left undone, and left unresolved. You would feel a sense of loss as you are feeling now.

I had dreams about my ex when I broke up with him after a brief time dating, but they were never long-lasting.

[anythingbut]

Hey, thanks for your answer - you've hit the nail on the head absolutely. Thanks again.

[Hannah591]

You sound very strong I must say. 6 years of your time spent with someone is a long time for it all to be taken so drastically away from you!

It's understandable that you're having these dreams. You dream what's on your mind and at the moment she is on your mind a lot for obvious reasons. Dwelling on these dreams about her could potentially prolong or worsen your situation so you should try to focus on other things and yourself rather than her and the dreams. If it continues for another month or two, you should look into going to counselling of some sort to help you move on in a healthy way and hopefully stop the dreams which are holding you back.

I've had dreams about ex's before but nothing too vivid, negative or anything from a memory. They're usually pretty rare and I was the dumper in both cases when it comes to my last two relationships. But I still dwell on the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex.

[anythingbut]

Really sorry to read that you found yourself in an abusive relationship in the past - although on the positive side you seem to have moved on to better things :) Thanks for your response. Yes I have tried to be strong and accept my feelings of loss, working on them eveey day. It's just so frustrating having these dreams as psychologically I am waking up thinking that I have been in contact with her, then it's the harsh realisation that I actually haven't - kills me every time. Thanks again.

[Hannah591]

Time heals everything so I think giving it time will help you most :)

[anythingbut]

Thankyou, and I hope you're right!

[Anonymous]

It's happening to me right now and it just sucks so bad. I think it takes time. time heals all wounds. I would say though to just look at them as just dreams. don't take them as visions of the future or anything like that. the reason why your dreaming these things is only because your constantly thinking about her. don't let the dreams itself affect u. you're not alone though. I'm going through the same thing. up to this morning I had a dream about him and the last few nights too. Its not easy. Things will get better. like I said it takes time,it takes time for you to accept that its over, it takes time for your emotions to become stable and it takes time before those dreams stop occurring. all the best to you.

[anythingbut]

hey thanks for your answer, appreciate it. How long has this been happening to you? Have you been broken up a while?

[Opinion Owner]

We broke up month ago. The dreams started happening like a week after the breakup, but honestly now the dreams are starting to be a little vague. like for example, Instead of him being in the dream, the dream will be about my friends and I saying how much we love guys who play soccer (my ex plays soccer) because their so sexy. before I would WAKE UP thinking about him because he was so vivid in the dream..not so much anymore. are you still dreaming about her?

[Bunny212]

I dated a guy for 3 months though we always say each other. I dreamed about him constantly every night for the first 2 weeks then intermittently thereafter. Dreams are a reflection of your thoughts it is your minds mechanism of trying to figure out and fix your problems. eventually it'll go away. 6 years is a lot of time, don't fight the feeling

[anythingbut]

Hey, thankyou for your answer.

[Anonymous]

I "ended" a relationship the other day and I have been having dreams about him on a nightly basis. I don't go to bed thinking about him but I guess it's because he's in my subconscious still.

I really hope you pull yourself together though and move on with your life. If it was so easy for her to cut you out her life like that then she really isn't worth you feeling all hung up on her.

[anythingbut]

hey, thankyou for taking the time to answer

[Opinion Owner]

You're welcome. I hope you'll be over her soon :)

[BlueEarth]

I went through this and sometimes I still have spells where I'll dream of my ex-bf. We were best friends/dated for (on and off) 3 years. We had a lot of history and I think it's okay you still love, so long as you work on not letting it destroy you.

[anythingbut]

thankyou for taking the time to share your thoughts with me

[Anonymous]

I never went through this, but I think it's normal. Maybe you didn't get over her yet, or maybe you want answers to why this happened. Why don't you contact her to nd ask her why she broke up? Don't worry, be strong.

[anythingbut]

Hi thanks for your answer. Contacting her is not an option, as I know it would only end in more pain for me unfortunately. I am definitely not feeling strong enough to hear her voice - like speaking to a different person to the one you know.

[Needhellp]

Omg i just dreamt of my ex i woke up so hurt now im ffeeling so depressed
Do u think the dumper dreams of the dumpee aswell?

[Anonymous]

this has been happening to me for the past few years. At times I feel strongly about him, other times I don't, I'm hoping I will meet someone new and forget about him...

[Opinion Owner]

I answered before I read everything you wrote, you exactly described how I feel, it's a feeling of loss, as if he died, also I have dreams of him wanting me and him being cold to me... before things ended (I actually ended it, out of the blue because I was suffering depression/going crazy) I met up with him when I was really sad, and had panic attacks were I would shake and cry... now I have dreams were I'll relive those times.. I had one just last night..

[Opinion Owner]

I remember crying on his shoulder and saying "idk what it is" like I didn't know why I couldn't love and trust him and just be happy. Now I lie in bed alone and thinking about him, saying that same thing... but those are low times... and the night time brings them on... now I am doing fine, its day time and I can focus on work, but in the moment its like I feel like I want to die and I am extremely depressed, when I cry it reminds me of a dog/wolf howling for its loved one.

[anythingbut]

Hey, thankyou for sharing this with me. I find a lot of what you're interesting because my ex was extremely stressed(completing nursing dissertation) in the run up to this happening - it was almost as if she snapped. As mentioned above, there was no real reason given to me, just that she suddenly felt different. absolutely devastating - we nevere argued and were always the most loving and affectionate of couples. So I notice you've had this for years, have you stayed single since ending it?

[Anonymous]

I don't dream of any of my exes after the break up but I think about them from time to time.

[JamielovesKU]

Nope, that's the past and I never looked back

[anythingbut]

wow wish I was as resilient as you! Thanks

[Prettygurl12]

That has never happened to me. It sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Hell nah. Haven't had one worth dreaming about

[anythingbut]

Thanks, I guess that's both good and bad at the same time!

[Anonymous]

Yes. I dream about the boy who dumped me...