So it's like romance, dating, relationships, and love, all come to girls, while us guys have to make it happen, we have to initiate everything in the beginning. The girl has the option of approving it or denying it. Because the girl is the one who does the rejecting, and guys are the ones that receive rejecting. C'mon, everyone obviously knows, both guys and girls, especially you girls, like you always want the guy to take the initiative, make the first move, start the conversation, start the talking and seeing each other thing, and starting the dating/relationship. Overall, the guy has to chase, pursue the girl, etc. Girls do not chase guys.
I am not saying I am traditional or old-fashioned, heck, I wish it was both ways, I wish girls took the initiative and asked guys out as much as guys do, but that is something that will not change anytime soon.
So anyway, why do people say that it's better to find love when you stop looking even if you are a guy? That it is better to stop looking for a date or relationship, and let her find you? C'mon, even if a guy is very calm, relaxed, not desperate, not trying too hard or looking too hard to get a girlfriend or relationship, he is very comfortable with himself, very confident, not insecure, which are all the great qualities that girls like in a guy, the guy will not get a date or girlfriend just by chilling back and relaxing, a girl will not just approach a guy, take the initiative, ask him out, or fall into his lap, etc. Us guys have to make it happen.
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You're thinking way, way, way too much. We've all got caught up in thinking too much about dating, because there's so much contradictory advice.
But here's my suggestion to save your sanity:
If you like a girl, ask her out. Show interest. But don't ask her out more than twice -- if she's interested, she'll make time for you. If she gives you too much grief, DO NOT try to "outplay" her, because you'll make yourself crazy. So if she jerks you around, simply move on.
There are tons of great women out there, and there's no need to date one who makes you jump through an endless series of hoops. Remember: talk is cheap, but behavior is gold. Pay LESS attention to her words, and MORE attention to her behavior.
So if she's a little playful and coy -- but she's ALSO seeing you and making time for you -- her behavior says she's interested. But if it's nothing but games, maybes, and I-don't-knows, cut your loses and move on.
Yeah but how can I tell if she is just being friendly but not interested? Because just because a girl smiles and says Hi to you, giggles when a guy is around, is receptive to you, gives eye contact, does not mean the girl is interested in the guy sexually or dating wise. I often misinterpret those signs, I have very hard time reading a girls non-verbal hints.
If you want to know if she's interested & available, ask her out ASAP. Don't worry about getting to know her. Don't worry about reading hints. Don't worry about looking like a player. Simply ask her out.
If she says yes, great! But remember that girls sometimes say "yes" when they mean "No," "maybe," or "if nothing else comes along." This is why you ask her out only twice: if she's interested, she WILL make time. Asking her out only 2 times puts you in control of your life.
If you're looking for a sure thing before you ask ... there are NO sure things.
But take control of your life. Ask her out twice. If she doesn't make time for you, move on to the next girl.
This method has saved me innumerable hours of wondering and what-ifs.
Thanks for that advice, I am starting to think it's better for guys to get dating advice from their own gender, meaning other guys. Not so much girls because a lot of times, girls don't mean what they say. For example, when girls say they want a sweet, kind, innocent, nice guy, they never have those kind of guys.
In general, I suggest you avoid giving too much credence to *anything* a woman says ... the classic "nice guy vs. jerk" dilemma is a good example.
AI suggest you avoid giving anything a woman says too much credence because tend to believe that their emotions justify decisions. So if she's flirting and says "yes" to a date, she 100% means it when she says "yes." But the next morning, her emotions have changed and she believes that excuses a change of opinion.
Also, there is no right number of times if a guy gets rejected or the girl is unavailable, because that has happend to me too many times, whenever I have asked girls out, they were either taken already, or not interested. I forgot how many times that has happend to me, but is there a certain number or limit if the keeps getting rejected? Is it all a numbers game?
I vote 2 times. Ask her out 2 times. If she's not able or willing to make time for you after you twice express interest, she's not (that) into you, and it's time to move on and find a girl who *is* more interested.
Don't invest too much time in a losing game. Sometimes the girls don't want to say "no" and hurt your feelings ... but other times she enjoys half-a-dozen guys competing for her attention. Whichever, it's a foolish to chase someone who doesn't make time for you.
Dating *is* a numbers game ... but it's about the number of different girls you meet & ask out.
I learned the hard way that getting fixated on one girl is self-torture. Asking her out ASAP (within a few days or hours of meeting her) saved me lots of fretting. If she's interested, great! But if now, I quickly move on to a different girl.
When it comes to dating, the scales are definitely weighted against us for putting in effort... however, our one saving grace is that we can pick and choose where we put our effort and we don't have to focus it in one place and drive ourselves nuts over it. Hard lesson to learn, but if you're not getting out what you put into a situation then its time to move on. Regardless of how beautiful she is. Sure, she can find someone else easily... but don't forget that you can land another hottie too.
Thanks, that makes sense, understandable, also the part I mean about the number of times of getting rejected, I mean getting rejected by different girls all the time, not from the same girl, because if a girl is not interested in me, like she never answers her phone, texts me back, etc. I will forget about her, those are easy hints to read.
Romeo Is Dead was correct.
I think another key to the numbers game is to modify your approach -- if you're asking out all the girls the same way and they're all saying no, the problem might be your approach. Just for fun, try being arrogant with one girl, goofy with the next, etc. eventually, you'll hit on a method that uses your strengths.
it gets discouraging, I know, but remember to devote energy to your non-dating goals so you're not too wrapped up in the rejections.
Yeah, I will admit I am very over-analytical about my approach, what I say or talk about, how my body language is, etc. I often worry a lot that I might have accidentally bothered, creeped her out, or turned her off in some way, I worry what she will think or what she currently thinks of me. Another problem, after I approach a girl and talk to her, and ask her out and get rejected, I often wonder if it was the way I approached and talked, played my cards? Or if she was not interested at all.
Because I am always being just myself when it comes to approaching and talking to girls, I never make up stories or pretend that I am someone else. So are you saying for every different girl I approach and talk to, I have to use a different approach and use different words, ask different questions, differently for every girl? Even if I don't know I am doing it right or wrong?
Because people say that getting rejected and the more you talk and approach girls, will become a learning experience, you will get better, but the problem I am over-analytical about is when you learn how to approach and what to say, and how not to approach and what not to say, because if a girl is not interested and rejects a guy, it could be because of the way the guy played his cards, approached and talked ,or the guy did not do anything wrong at all, just the girl was not interested at all.
When I say to vary your approach, I mean to emphasize different aspects of your personality.
Don't put on an act. But tap into your own traits -- we all have a funny side, a goofy side, a smooth side, a serious side, a cocky arrogant side. Don't practice only with girls you want to date -- practice with everyone to get in touch with those genuine parts of yourself.
Try to not worry about what you did "wrong" with Girl A -- because you didn't do anything wrong. You can only be yourself, and she has every right to date whoever she wants.
Instead, try to tap into the part of yourself that you were suppressing with Girl A, and use those traits with Girl B. Because if you're an analytical guy, I suspect you're very aware of the filters you use when interacting with people. So learn to bypass those filters that stop your true self from coming out.
Yeah, so how do I make each rejection a learning experience? how do I know if it was a wrong or good approach?
The filters by what? If I approach a girl and start talking to her, and the conversation feels one-sided, like I am the one asking most of the questions, or all of them, she is not asking me any questions to me back in return, or asking me questions about myself. Does that mean she is not interested or shy?
By learning experience, I mean don't measure success by whether or not you get a date. Measure success by how you feel about how you sold yourself. Because sometimes, I walk away from a girl thinking things like, "I kissed her ass too much," or "I should've made a joke about the big silly handbag of hers."
To me, it's that kind of filtering that's harmful, when you don't let your true self shine.
So the right thing to do is when approaching girls, flirting and talking to them, whether I am interested in dating or just talking for the heck of it, I should just not try to guess their thoughts or try to read their mind? Like when I talk to one, do not expect myself to have a chance right? do not see her as a potential girlfriend? Like don't ever think every girl I talk to will turn out to be my girlfriend? So basically I have to keep talking to girls as much as possible right?
I think you're correct abut not imagining her as your girlfriend, or as a date. Think of her as a person you want to talk to ... think of her as practice.
The smaller your focus, the more likely you are to be genuine.
If your goal is "flirt with her," that's easier to manage than if your goal is "talk to her and impress her so that she wants to date me next weekend and possible get serious if we hit it off and perhaps get exclusive in a few months."
Okay, thanks, enough about the analytical stuff for now. Anyway, how can you tell if a girl is just being friendly? or she actually likes you, is interested? Because there have been girls in which I thought they were interested in me, they engaged me in the conversation, gave me eye contact, and smiled, but when I asked them out, they were taken already. I hate it when girls lead guys on like that.
You can't tell their intentions, except by asking 'em out. That's why I vote for asking 'em out ASAP, you learn their intention very quickly and save yourself lots of worrying.
Sometimes they lead guys on deliberately, but other times we can read into simple friendliness. So try to not take it personally.
Another thing I know is that you are supposed to get to know a girl a bit, like to get know her and start off like a friend, get to know her on a friend basis, my problem is how long should a guy have been talking to a girl, like how many conversations, how many days, weeks or months should a guy be getting to know a girl before he finallys asks her out on a date, or to hang out. How do I know when it is the right time to ask a girl out?