Why do people say you have to let the girl find you, let her come to you, that you should stop looking for one?

Also, when people say other phrases or quotes like "You just have to let it happen naturally" "Good things come to those who wait" "If you want a boyfriend/girlfriend, or a relationship, it's better if you let them come to you", etc. All other quotes and phrases similar to those that give those messages. For me, in my opinion, those quotes, phrases, and advice work more for girls than they do for guys. The reason why I think those quotes and phrases go more for girls is because when it comes to romance, dating, and relationships, the guy, or just the man, has to be the one who takes the initiative, pursues the girl, makes all the moves to start a date and a relationship with the girl, asking her for her number, and asking her out. The girl just has to approve of the date or relationship.

So it's like romance, dating, relationships, and love, all come to girls, while us guys have to make it happen, we have to initiate everything in the beginning. The girl has the option of approving it or denying it. Because the girl is the one who does the rejecting, and guys are the ones that receive rejecting. C'mon, everyone obviously knows, both guys and girls, especially you girls, like you always want the guy to take the initiative, make the first move, start the conversation, start the talking and seeing each other thing, and starting the dating/relationship. Overall, the guy has to chase, pursue the girl, etc. Girls do not chase guys.

I am not saying I am traditional or old-fashioned, heck, I wish it was both ways, I wish girls took the initiative and asked guys out as much as guys do, but that is something that will not change anytime soon.

So anyway, why do people say that it's better to find love when you stop looking even if you are a guy? That it is better to stop looking for a date or relationship, and let her find you? C'mon, even if a guy is very calm, relaxed, not desperate, not trying too hard or looking too hard to get a girlfriend or relationship, he is very comfortable with himself, very confident, not insecure, which are all the great qualities that girls like in a guy, the guy will not get a date or girlfriend just by chilling back and relaxing, a girl will not just approach a guy, take the initiative, ask him out, or fall into his lap, etc. Us guys have to make it happen.

Or am I not interpreting those quotes, advice, and phrases the right way? do I have the wrong viewpoint of it? Well I am 21 and I have never had a girlfriend, always been single, still a virgin, I am not single by choice though.
I really would like to have a girlfriend right now, I wish I could have one as soon as possible, because I don't want to still be single when I am 30 or 40. But I don't if I am looking too hard, being desperate, or just not enough?
How do I know if I am obsessed, thinking about it too much, desperate, looking and trying too hard? Which obviously turns girls off, how do I know if I am that way? If I am, how can I undo it?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Don't overanalyze things, I for one pick men who are easy-going... and you are right some of those sayings are really outdated! When I was reading those I was thinking about the 1940's where a boy asks a girl to split a Coke and talk to the soda jerk.

    This is the main part that people get wrong: dating follows a law of "don't ask, don't get." If you don't ask a girl out, you won't get her to date you. Dating is risk taking, I hate to say it shy fellas, but it really is. Take it from me, I ask men out a lot because I realize that you should never let a good thing slip through your fingers.

    Get out there and ask some hot chicks out!

    • So seriously you have taken the initiative before?

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    • Its easy, after you have been talking to her for a while and she looks interested just flip open your cell phone and say "Hey I'm ready to get out of here, we can keep this conversation going later, whats's your number." You don't seem clingy or despirate, and you literally told her that you liked sitting with her.

    • A girl asking a guy for his number has never happend to me and probably never will, obviously because you girls expect and want the guy to initiate everything in the beginning. Also why are girls that have boyfriends already, more receptive and more talkative in conversations, like when I approach one and talk to them, they engage me in the conversation, they reciprocate, I hate it because it makes me think they are interested in me, eventhough they will not break up with their boyfriend for me.

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What Girls Said 0

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What Guys Said 2

  • 10% of all the men get 90% of all the women :D

    And why's that?

    Because the other 90% of men are to caught up in all these fairy tales theories, no balls and a passive lifestyle that leads them nowhere so they eventually just "put up" with a girl who's not their first choice.

    So don't take advice from those losers that date ugly women because they can't get anything better.

    Check out link to get some real stuff going on lol.

    • Are you sure that is accurate? One thing that I heard is that if a woman is ugly, she is even more screwed than an ugly guy when it comes to dating and sex. I heard that men don't have to be born good looking, they can work their way up. But if a woman is not born cute and pretty, unattractive, no matter how great her personality is, how nice and sweet she is, she will not be sought after much. Do you think that is true?

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    • Btw, Funny that you take so much interest in observing human behaviour, although you still have a lot of questions on your mind.

      I'd like to invite you to www.paragonproject.com/forums where you'll learn so much more about this stuff. My username there is the same as here. Make sure to sign up and send me a pm if you did :D


    • Yeah, women are just takers, they just have to approve of it or deny it, that's all for them. They don't even bother to go looking for what they want, they always want what they want to come to them.

  • You're thinking way, way, way too much. We've all got caught up in thinking too much about dating, because there's so much contradictory advice.

    But here's my suggestion to save your sanity:

    If you like a girl, ask her out. Show interest. But don't ask her out more than twice -- if she's interested, she'll make time for you. If she gives you too much grief, DO NOT try to "outplay" her, because you'll make yourself crazy. So if she jerks you around, simply move on.

    There are tons of great women out there, and there's no need to date one who makes you jump through an endless series of hoops. Remember: talk is cheap, but behavior is gold. Pay LESS attention to her words, and MORE attention to her behavior.

    So if she's a little playful and coy -- but she's ALSO seeing you and making time for you -- her behavior says she's interested. But if it's nothing but games, maybes, and I-don't-knows, cut your loses and move on.

    Good luck.

    • Yeah but how can I tell if she is just being friendly but not interested? Because just because a girl smiles and says Hi to you, giggles when a guy is around, is receptive to you, gives eye contact, does not mean the girl is interested in the guy sexually or dating wise. I often misinterpret those signs, I have very hard time reading a girls non-verbal hints.

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    • You can't tell their intentions, except by asking 'em out. That's why I vote for asking 'em out ASAP, you learn their intention very quickly and save yourself lots of worrying.

      Sometimes they lead guys on deliberately, but other times we can read into simple friendliness. So try to not take it personally.

    • Another thing I know is that you are supposed to get to know a girl a bit, like to get know her and start off like a friend, get to know her on a friend basis, my problem is how long should a guy have been talking to a girl, like how many conversations, how many days, weeks or months should a guy be getting to know a girl before he finallys asks her out on a date, or to hang out. How do I know when it is the right time to ask a girl out?

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