Shy girls anxiety inversely proprotional to how much they like a guy?

[Anonymous]

I know that shy girls can be anxious in general but it seems like the better I do with them the more anxious they become like they get happy but then all of a sudden they become self conscious and second guess things and want to hit the eject button. Is it true for shy girls then that the more you like a guy or the smoother he is the more anxious you'll get?

There are 2 different shy girls that I'm sure like me, they blush, hold super long eye contact, lick their teeth, lean against me- when they are comfortable -but when we bump into each other unexpectedly they get real anxious and try to avoid letting me notice them. In both cases I call to them to wait up and they do. They seem happy but anxious when they stop for me. It's sometimes so intense that it almost rubs off on me and I have to stay extra cool to keep myself from second guessing. The last girl I was with was like this but at least since she had preferred to chat on messenger I could more easily avoid the awkward moments.

I get the sense that their anxiety might be that I'm being too charming not that I'm doing anything wrong. I understand why this is conceptually but I'd like to know from women that do this what is going through your mind when you get flighty and run. How can I calm you in person without you thinking I'm friend zoning you or that I'm giving up the chase?

Updates

+1 y

I meant directly "proportional."

[Anonymous]

I know what you mean by "running away", I think the best you can do is try to talk about something they could talk about without having to think (so that they have the time to realize what's happening and calm down while talking about weather/school/sports...). What goes into their mind is that they run into a situation they weren't prepared for in that moment, they need time to calm down. When you see that they calmed down you can make your move, but don't do that too fast or you'll scare them... For example asking them out for a coffee or for something with other people is better then asking them out for a "date" directly. My source is a really shy friend of mine, she kept running away from this attractive guy because she felt he was out of her league, I had to help her a lot ahahahah. Can I ask you a question too? When a guy makes A LOT of physical contact with a girl (like touching arm,knee or taking her hands into his) he BARELY knows (a friend of friends he just met) is it a sign that he is interested? Is he flirting or just being friendly? Thanks and good luck with the shy girls! ;)

[Asker]

A lot of touching is definite attraction unless he's a player or you give off unconfident cues making yourself seem low risk. Be observant and self-aware. Since I get approached as well I have a system of rating my state in any given situation/day. If I'm in the zone that's 10/10 so if a girl approaches me then it's because she's impressed and she's willing to risk rejection from a guy with social proof to get to know him. If I'm filling yuck and a girl approaches me then I know somethings wrong

[Asker]

Yes we've had those kinds of conversations. I gaze at her affectionately and talk with her and then there's the next class. I'm patient and I will keep at it until we get to the point where I can take her on the non-date-date.

[Opinion Owner]

Mmm it was a night out with lots of people so of course I was friendly with everybody (even people I didn't know well), this may have made me look "low-risk"? From what I know he isn't a player at all, he is kind of nerdy,so my being outgoing may have encouraged him, I hope he didn't do that just because in that social situation I couldn't harshly reject him even if I wanted! By the way another tip: it's possible that the first time you ask her to go grab a coffee she refuses because she feelsi

[Opinion Owner]

*feels overwhelmed. She will later feel REALLY STUPID for refusing,so just give her a little time to recover and ask her another day,this time she will be more prepared. She looks really smart from what you say about her,I really root for you two!

[Asker]

Play hard to get slightly if he's nerdy. I'm old fashioned about courting. It's the womans show. It becomes his show when he sweeps you off your feet. Probe for anxiety. If he gives you subtle anxiousness sig(hiding a grin, tapping foot, slight lip biting, rubbing his face or the back of his neck) these are the best signals then he really likes you. I'm quick with any girl regardless of popularit,y status, dress, looks but when I like a girl my flirting skills go way down because I get anxious.

[Asker]

I saw her outside of class once and I was like Oh snap that's her so I instantly spoke to her. She instantly responded with no hesitation so I think she staged herself nearly when I thought about it afterward. Once we were talking I was like man I can't think of anything witty but we were already talking so I asked her a juicy question and actively listened. So being smitten should make a guy a little clumsy physically and a little slow on the up.

[Asker]

Thanks I will try the gentle treatment you can recommend. I hope she has a friend like you on her end who will back her up into taking the chance.

[cotsia]

In all honesty shy girls always think they deserve shit, not even a good looking guy who might show interest in them. I am shy as well and I am not just avoiding good looking guys, I don't dare to look at them. Its just so hard for me to grow to like someone who I may think is out of my league.

Its like something is too good to be true. Girls who are shy always have in the back of their heads that average guys are good. They are not risky and they won't hurt them. But truth is that this comes along with the person who tries to approach them.

Overall, shy girls don't wanna keep their hopes up and that's why they might feel anxious towards you. Its because people nawadays judge books by their covers, that's all.

[Asker]

I was shy once. Actually I had some avoidance issues from past trauma that I've since worked out. I can say I made the same mistake about average non-shy girls. I dated some girls with meh personalities and average looks thinking that's what I deserved and at least they wouldn't hurt me but I was wrong. Since they were so insecure I was expendable. Any validation would do. One had the nerve to accept gifts from her ex and tell me about them like "he must think I'm really nice don't you think?"

[Asker]

And yes I feel what you're saying completely. It sucks. Even with my confidence much improved I don't have a good read on who's out of my league and not and I underestimate my own social value and charisma. Posh valley girls defer to me and stick their tongues out at me in class and I'm still like "does she like me?" Girls come up to me in the hallway to give me their number and I still can't fully internalize the fact that I've come out of my shell and people see me in a better light now.

[Asker]

I'm a poet and there's a reason Shakespeare was famous for tragedies. There is something deep and humanistic about being in a melancholic state and accepting it as your reality. Bc of this I think my and shy girls perception has been enhanced.

I'm unafraid to talk to cold popular girls because I might get a look of intrigue or a mental undressing but when I lock eyes with the shy girl I really like, in her dewy eyes I see someone that is peering into my soul. It is at once both joyous and terrifying

[cotsia]

I am impressed by how beautifully you express yourself but you pretty much answered your own question since you have been there before to know how it really feels.

I think that its because you've been in that position of being shy and anxious about someone who you might like.. that is also why you are more interested in approaching thesd kind of girls.

[Asker]

You're a sweetheart. Thanks for the insight.

[523206720]

It might also be an indication of a broken heart or past psychological trauma. I know that sometimes my anxiety reflects emotional abuse that I had when I was younger. I hope I recover before I age to the point where people don't want to marry me anymore.

[Asker]

Yes I thought this is possible. She's tall- 5 11 and lanky so maybe it goes back to grade school, catholic school. Also she seems really passionate about chemistry, we're both in a graduate level class and that's not a typical interest for a woman. So maybe these are all factors.

[Asker]

There is always hope and when you come out on top you will have more emotional depth, breadth and resilience than those that had it easier.

In my own path I've found Jungian/Gestalt/existential/humanistic approaches to pain the most useful to stop judging myself and allow myself to let go and evolve.