So its been two years, you look back and you remember that it was supposed to be over last November, all of it. You think at how much you've tried to convince yourself you are getting better. You think of those classes you took, oh yeah, you got an A in History but you failed Math, sure your family life turned into an absolute clusterfuck around the semesters start, sure you were so depressed that you had a hard time doing anything but that still means you only got one single class closer to a 4 year school and your hopeful Bachelors. Yeah you want to go back to school in The winter semester, you'll have to get the money but there are ways, but are you really getting better like you tell yourself, or are you pretty much the same.
All those times you tried to convince yourself that you were doing better mentally, but are you? I mean you are still alive, you planned on not being alive starting last November. You tell yourself that's progress that you are alive and that is getting better, other people insist that being alive is better for you and then you wonder, Am I really better, I'm still miserable, still lonely, I'm still wondering how my life could possibly improve, You wonder how long could you deal with this, this loneliness, this hopelessness, this self-loathing, could you do it another 24 years, could you even do it another 5 years and you wonder why people insist its better to be alive than to be this way, sure like all depressed people you have good days, but is it all worth it when more often you don't have good days, when the majority of your days are bad ones in the end you don't know. Maybe they are right, that you can't see a future because you are ill, but when not having a future is all you have seen for so long, you wonder, are they really right or simply trying to keep you going, if its the former, why is the person who has this supposed future so unable to see it, and if the latter, what are they trying to keep you going for.
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