Warped Views of What Makes a Guy A Real Man + A Message of Hope To My Brothers.

[Pharaoh73]

Self Expression

A lot of us guys tend to put ourselves down over certain ways we are supposed to act in order to consider ourselves/be considered by others as "real men". One huge example of this is self expression. We live in a culture that demonizes guys who show emotion, and portray them as being weak and "acting like a girl."

This in itself is wrong because emotion is a trait we all share as a species, not one that is uniquely exhibited from the female gender. It is not right to put ourselves under the burden of being expected to hold everything we feel inside of us.

Self Defeat & Sex

Another example is the self defeatist tone we place ourselves under when it comes to sexual activity, specifically & ESPECIALLY on the matter of virginity. The amount of guys who give themselves and other men shit over the frequency of their sexual activity is stunning, actually.

As guys, we live in a culture that demands us to be getting laid left and right and that if we don't. - we are somehow inferior within the human male species. We are 'weird" if we don't lose our virginity as teenagers/early twenties. Something is "wrong" with us. We are "defected" and "abnormal". We are "losers". We are "undesirable".

Self Confidence

What a lot of guys sometimes fail to recognize is - we make things such as virginity and other sexual related topics a much bigger deal than they actually are. This in turn damages our confidence and belief in ourselves when it comes to interaction with the opposite sex, as well as how we see ourselves in general.

Guys truly fail to see that a good majority of the women around them truly don't care about things like that. Women care mostly about how you make them feel when they are around you, and how comfortable they sense YOU are in YOUR own skin.

What it Means to Be a Real Man

Pardon my phrasing here, but to be very blunt, being a real man isn't about how many warm holes you've stuck your penis into by a certain age. It's about how confident and assertive you feel in your own mind and body, how comfortable you are about WHO you are.

Being a real man means taking responsibility for yourself and accepting your imperfections. Its about embracing the things you like such as your hobbies and other interests, and not being afraid to show people what they are and what you're all about; its about RESPECTING yourself AND other people around you.

Be Yourself

Being yourself is truly the best thing you can do, both to make yourself more attractive to girls and to learn to love yourself. Once true confidence comes to you, many things will fall into place.

Remember being a real man is truly just not thinking twice about being who you really are and refusing to allow societal expectations to tell you how "beta" or "unmanly" it is to not conform or to pursue your desires at your own pace.

[Mesonfielde]

Good article. There is nothing I can disagree with here.

I would like to add for those who might not understand what loving yourself and being confident in yourself means - I tend to use the term "lack of self-doubt". It means that you know that what you are doing is right, and therefore if you know that your behavior is something that is "right" or at least not inherently wrong, don't dislike yourself for it if you don't want to change it, or don't plan on changing it.

[iwrestledamooseonce]

Amazing! From what I've seen, being told to accept yourself for who you are is aimed mostly towards insecure teenage girls. Never have I seen a motivational poster for guys. This article was just that- only better. Cheers!

[VulcanHades]

I would really like to believe this is the "true" definition of a real man because I agree with it. I'm an emotional guy myself and proud of it. I'm nice and honest but not the manipulative kind who expects things in return and blames others when he doesn't get what he wants. And I am happy and comfortable with who I am.

However, I think there's no denying that a majority of women are still more attracted to specific personality traits. For example: most women prefer optimistic guys than realistic guys. Most prefer someone who will treat them equally/poorly than someone who will treat them like a princess. A dominant leader is more attractive than a submissive man. Extroverted men appear more confident and fun to be around with than introverted and shy/socially awkward men. Men who like arguing are more fun/challenging than men who don't. etc.

On top of that, romantic guys are viewed as desperate and dependant (since they idealize love and idealize their SO), nice and emotional guys are immediately considered manipulative and ill intentioned. And even when you are selfless in your actions, it doesn't matter because the girl will always think you have ulterior motives. Honest and transparent guys are viewed as rude, scary and boring. Intellectuals will often be viewed as arrogant and pedant even when they aren't.

So all things considered, I think men generally still need to fit a very specific type of personality. They are forced into a mold of gender roles, then told they just need to be “themselves” and have self-esteem. But I fear the reality is more complex and more unforgiving than that.

I of course hope I'm wrong.

[Pharaoh73]

Why SHOULDN'T women be more attracted to optimistic guys than realistic or negative men? Who wants to be around a man that doesn't send off positive vibes? People in general that are more extroverted and emit positivity are people who LIKE THEMSELVES, and have good self esteem. Most women do prefer someone to treat them equally, because the man that does so isn't putting them on a pedestal. He treats them like a person. Women aren't attracted to men who abuse them/treat them poorly because of the mistreatment itself, but because guys who are "jerks" and "assholes" possess a trait that is itself attractive - confidence. Its a common misconception to think girls just like dudes that are jerks. No body likes jerks. If nice guys were more assertive and didn't put women up on a pedestal they would certainly have more success. And that doesn't require abandoning your own sense of self in order to get girls. It just requires getting a backbone and OWNING who you are.

[Pharaoh73]

And also, someone can still be themselves while still IMPROVING themselves and things about themselves that they don't like/would like to change. But in doing so it should always be for them and for no one else. Once someone improves themselves the influx of confidence that will be gained just through those achievements alone will greatly aid in becoming more attractive. And honestly dude - all of what I just said all goes back to belief in ones self. There is not one personality type that all or most women have to have in a guy. I know an old fashioned romantic friend who has been in a 5 year relationship with his girl, and I know a guy that many would consider a jerk that is friends with benefits with a mutual friend of ours. There is one unifying thing that s important however --its all about what you bring to the table. If you project value from inside, people are gonna see value in you.

[VulcanHades]

But that's my point dude. A romantic guy will of course put his beloved woman on a pedestal because he idealizes love. So a romantic guy cannot possibly be himself since being romantic doesn't really work. A realistic guy cannot "assume" or "own" his realism, he has to pretend to be more optimistic than he really is.

Introversion and extroversion has no correlation with being shy or confident. That's a common misconception. It is only a matter of appearance.

[VulcanHades]

An extrovert can be more shy and less confident than an introvert. But the introvert will always "appear" to be shyer and lacking confidence. So again you can't be yourself if you are introvert, you have to try and become more extroverted even if that's not who you are.

[VulcanHades]

Sorry I didn't see your followup comment. Yeah, I agree with you in the end.

"There is not one personality type that all or most women have to have in a guy."

[Pharaoh73]

Who says romance doesn't work? Haha, how would long term relationships and eventual marriages come about if it never worked or if it held no relevancy? A guy can be all the things you described are attractive to women and have a bit of romance in him. Romance is in fact a crucial aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship between two people, and yes , even in attracting them as well. Most girls don't want guys to fall at their feel and be submissive, but submissiveness doesn't equate to romance. A lotttttt of girls like romance in a guy, trust me.

[Red_Dragon]

Bro you're exactly right. I don't know if it's my past that has made me what I am (I'm sure it plays a role), but I do express my emotions. I'm a relatively quiet guy, but when I do express myself it's usually always how I truly feel. I understand that in society today a man is "weak", a "pussy", if he expresses how he truly feels.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm "feminine" because I express myself, because like for example during sex I do moan. Maybe people would see that as "feminine". All in all we all have feminine and masculine traits. All of us. Males have some feminine traits and females have some masculine traits. Gender doesn't matter.

I am a promiscuous guy, and you know what? I can understand what you mean by culture wanting guys to get laid often. I struggled with that in middle school and HS and that's probably a major reason as to why I'm promiscuous now.

Though in a way (looking at this differently) it's understandable that people think that men should get laid often because it is a natural thing. It's natural for a man to want to "spread his seed". However, we as humans can think. We have a conscious. I think we are better than our nature and nobody should be forced into sexual activity.

The bottom passage of what you said is 100% true.

[Tdieseler]

In the end, it all bottles down to "whats in your wallet" thats the NEW definition of a "Real Man" now. like @Roycaryn said, they want a man who makes them feel safe. safe from being in poverty. money provides, safety, security and stability and women just FLOCK to that, thats why in the end, its down to "whats in your wallet". No offense to all my self-made sisters out there, I'm talking about the mini whores who don't like a man for him, but for the size of his wallet. Only available to the highest bidder.

[rjroy3]

I know this is true in my life growing up. People just assumed I had a lot of sex for years and when some found out I was a virgin they either thought less of me as a man or they were virgins themselves and felt closet to me because of it. When I did lose my virginity to a girl I was close with for years at 19, another girl straight up told me "I'm so glad you finally lost your virginity. I was worried about you for a long time that you never were" even tho I was virgin by choice. Didn't matter, in today's society depending on who you talk to if you're a guy that's not having sex then you're less of a man in some way. Personally that didn't really affect me, but it gave me insight into how some people view sex and manhood.

[TheRavenborne]

This all goes right down to self esteem and sense of self. Why do guys worry so much about being a virgin? It's out of fear of being rejected by women, men, and society as a whole. That fear of rejection, actually stops people from making friends, being themselves, and getting into a romantic relationship. Where does this lack in self esteem come from though? Lack of sense of self. Everyone thinks they absolutely have to fit into some box of what a person is. They see themselves as less than important and try to follow others to get a sense of good feeling from others due to this lack of sense of self.

[aniemist]

All your points are valid I can agree with it. What is sad is that the way society is set up for this pattern that basically goes against every point you have made. I do believe at times the problem is also bigger, in general people both in your own gender and those of the opposite gender dont and or won't try to understand each other. Unfortunately it is very hard to break this cycle because people are uncomfortable with change that ideas of understanding each other could bring, to them it it easier to keep up the status quo.

[srslyly]

Where did you observe these negative attitudes playing out? The men I know who are respected by me and by others I know are men who act rationally, are self-reliant, work hard, and respect others. Did you poll a bunch of fatherless street thugs to find out what our culture thinks of manliness? Did you read literature produced by social Marxists who want to destroy Western Civilization?

Not everything you said here is wrong, especially if it is read as dating advice and not as advice on being a man. What women want from a man has nothing to do with what it means to be a good man.

[RalphBlack]

I would think that culture has gotten less strict about what makes a man masculine and a woman feminine.

Back in our grandparents days a man had to put food on the table while working hard and he would teach his son that crying when he is sad is wimpy.
And a woman and the daughter had to stay home and cook, clean and provide for the family.
I mean, some of the traits should still be there if per se a man wants to be with a woman and a woman wants to be with a man.
They still would need to have the natural things that attract each other which is a man keeping masculinity and a woman keeping her femininity. But this I say for a couple who are straight and pursue what they want as attraction.
So when he says that we are put down and told that we should be, "real men" he has no clue how spoiled we are compared to our great grand parents. Or he does and just needs to be reminded.

[srslyly]

@RalphBlack

I understand that. What I don't understand is where in the absolute fuck did he come up with the idea that emotionally crippled, violent, pussy chasing cads are some sort of paradigm for masculinity. Openly crying and emoting and crying when problems arise is not productive. A man who cries isn't looked down on. A man who is always crying is looked down on because he isn't being rational or getting anything done. Rationality is a masculine virtue. Emotional instability is not.

The same goes for everything else he says. You're right that it lacks any historical perspective, but beyond that, it lacks any perspective of any kind. I think he might not be able to tell when men as a group are being insulted. He seems to have assimilated every insult generally lobbed at men into his view of maleness and masculinity.

[RalphBlack]

I meant that back In the times when are grandparents were our age and had sons of a son cried then the dad would say, "Don't cry son. Be a man!"

[RalphBlack]

He still needs to experience the real world, I guess?

[Bvroon]

I feel you have made some very good points in your article, and I am really on the same page when it comes to defining what it means to be a man today. Unfortunately, there are still many out there who tend to fall into the typical stereotypical ideas on what it means to be a man, and do their best to fulfill their misguided ideas about what it means to be a man. I like you, also feel that sharing the ideas you have in your posting might eventually change the minds of really anybody who is open to the ideas of what being not only a real man means but, as I'm sure you may have already identified, what it means really to be a good person. Great job.

[OHGEE]

PREACH

Us guys can be way too hard on ourselves. Getting laid doesn't make you a man. Finding a great woman to be with makes you a man. Taking care of her and your kids is the kind of thing that makes you a man. Being responsible is what a man is. The list goes on and it doesn't include having sex with countless women even though we live in a society that tells us that's what we should be doing. Even women will call you a whimp, pussy or even accuse you of being gay if you are just looking for the right girl.

[LoveHerInTheStorms]

i completely agree. those stereotyp. have less truth than almost any other stereotypes. i would fall into this category entirely. i could let myself be brought down by insults like weak, gay, limp dick, puny, undesirable, and the like. but i don't care about that bullying. it doesn't make me change my values. im 25 and a virgin. i enjoy cudldling. i connect with people on an emotional level. i like romance. im not afraid to show my emotions. i just keep being me and let their words come full circle. it bites them in the ass every time. i succeed, while they realize nobody respects them anymore. I've been insulted with the term feminine. is it an insult to me? no. its almost always like a compliment to me. take heart from this take guys. don't give into the bullying. it falls on them and they only have themselves to blame for their actions

[JohnnySS]

Self Expression men are are made to feel just like women, but are not as emotional. over emotion by men is probably an indicator of missing development that parents didn't/couldn't give. Self Defeat & Sex people encouraging you to have sex are insecure. nothing manly about insecurity. nothing manly about wasting yourself unless you really want to. your giving the most sacred thing on the planet YOU. how much value do you place on yourself. What it Means to Be a Real Man. Be Yourself. YOU'RE RIGHT.!!

[aficionado]

@Pharaoh73
Excellent and well thought out article! And it does seem to give some hope to all those guys having issues with self esteem.
But unfortunately, it is indeed true that its the jerks and assholes who have a much easier time getting women, com[pared to the others. There's no denying this fact. No matter how much women deny it, that doesn't alter the reality. In fact, the very women who claim that they prefer 'good' guys, fall head over heels for the next asshole who tries to woo them.

[Pharaoh73]

The reason men who are more "jerks" or "assholes" are getting women is not BECAUSE they are jerks and assholes, but because they have traits that "nice guys" don't have - which is assertiveness and confidence. It isn't the fact they are jerks that women find attractive, its the fact that these guys tend to go more for what they want in life, in general. You don't have to be a jerk to get women to like you, you need the confidence and mental strength that many of these guys have. Its possible to have this without being a jerk. No body likes jerks.

[aficionado]

Theoretically, no one should like jerks. I suppose women's brains are hardwired to find jerks 'sexually and physically attractive', and if have to be attracted to sensible, good guys, they have to fight against their natural instincts. Most women are either too lazy to do this, or don't even realize that they're getting attracted to jerks.

I agree that confidence plays huge part. But being a jerk to women has a much higher chances of success than being a confident and good man. Its got something to do with women believing that they can 'change' the jerks to become good only to them, while remaining 'bad' to others.

[Roycaryn]

@aficionado From personal experience, I know I've come across as a prick to people, both male and female, and I also know that there were plenty of girls who were attracted to me because of it. It was a very shallow kind of attraction however, the kind that spreads heartache more than happiness. When I realized this and changed my attitude, sure I got less leering glances from women. But that made my interactions with the few left that did fancy me much more satisfying.

[poet1277]

For me, a Real Man is someone who takes care of OTHERS as well as himself. A Real Man will aid those who need it, even when doing so is a hardship. As I have been raised to believe :"We are here to Protect and Provide for the women and children."

I cannot describe this better, simply because this is a lifelong held belief, not a philosophical theory of mine.

It is NOT about "Getting Laid", it is about personal responsability

[baseball69]

Being yourself is the real answer to being a man.
You don't need to have sex very night with a different girl just because of what y friends say. You have sex when you alone are ready.
I don't plan on having sex until I am married because that is the choice I made myself.

[Blue2]

Truer words have never been said. Someone please make a mytake about what it means to be a women. Lots of women have lost sight of what it means to be a women. When it comes to dating and the women has no self values of what it means about virginity then some of these values of being a man go down the drain and our society burns to shit again.

[PsyNoodles]

I like your opinion here. People forget the inherent issue with genders and gender roles; that regardless of gender there are still issues about how someone of whatever gender should be based on their gender. Being a guy you are basically tortured if you're still a virgin going into high school, so I lost it beforehand and it was NOT good the domino effect that came afterwards, to say the least.

[Blue2]

Yeah, like we must set the new standard for social interaction. You dont need to have sex to be cool nor do you have to be rich and in the loop of all the stupid things going on to have cool friends.

[Yc2K15]

My definition would be in short.
-Someone who believes in himself and has a goal. Wether that goal be holding a steady job or having a family.
-Someone who doesn't beat or dominate women in any way.
-Someone who can raise a happy caring family without anger or trust issues.
-Someone who is faithful to their family and friends, and in bad circumstanced which happen to people everywhere, you do what you have to to protect your family at ANY cost.
thats about it I guess?

[rocelot]

As much as I like the sentiment a discussion about depression concerning men needs to go beyond "I was sad so one day I stopped being sad and started being awesome." A surface layer feel good flavour text isn't going to do much good to those actually facing depression and difficulties of self expression and actualization.

[Ignitethefire]

As much as we want to be courageous about our person, the world also has mixed views about men, our desires and our looks. We as men will have a stigma, and also have to include women as well. We all have views influenced by where we grew up, our faiths, so we will have our preset prejudices for both sexes. I included women in my topic, because its still a big issue in our society in how everything about the sexes is viewed.

[DaddyRollingStone]

Every young man needs a rite of passage, something that he can prove to himself or his community that he is a man. This practice was deemed archaic by women and other men who could never do it themselves. I think this can explain how the confidence of men these last 20 or 30 years has hit the gutter.

What that rite of passage is? I don't know, that's for you to decide or someone to decide for you maybe.

[skykidx1]

Am the type to hold all my feels in till one day i blow up on the first person that fucks with me. But am also kind caring and respectful. the only person i share any of my weakes with is my gf but the first guy that disrespcts me gets only 1 warning then gets knocked out other then that am a nice guy and all my friends come to me for adivce.