Guys Can Do Better With Each Other

[ManOnFire]

As men we often say how we’re better with each other than women are, and I think that’s true to an extent. In general guys are easier to talk to and be ourselves without a lot of the other intense baggage women can carry with them, but at the same time there is still some stuff that we do to each other that hurts a lot, even if we don’t admit it. And there’s stuff we should be doing for each other that we’re afraid to or don’t know how.

We need to support each other with what we’re going through

I know this sounds like a feminist broken record, but it is still a big thing to drive home. Nobody cares what guys might be going through or feeling terrible about, even the women who claim they do. People talk a lot about men needing to open up, but deep down they don’t really care, it’s just something they feel they need to say. In reality a lot of people feel like men’s problems are something too big or scary they don’t really want to deal with, while women’s issues are easier for them to look at because they are usually the same emotional scenarios most people are familiar with.

But men themselves don’t want to deal with each other, and they don’t know how to. I think a lot of guys figure no one is ever really there for them so why should they give that kind of support to another guy? Everyone always treated them like they should toughen up or got laughed at because they didn’t know something or didn’t show the same kind of big masculinity that another guy did, so maybe they expect every other guy to be the same way and just deal with it.

I’m the kind of guy people always confide in, tell me what’s going on in their lives, they feel safe or comfortable to tell me their secrets, and I don’t mind. I give them the support they’re looking for. I feel like that’s just the human thing to do. But then often when it’s the reverse and something is going on with me enough to go looking for an ear, guidance, or support, few people give it. The female friends who whine to me about their kids or some bad ex they never got over, are now at a loss for words or advice. Or the guys who can’t shut up about cars or games become uncomfortable with a conversation about something you’re going through. Or I’ll get nothing but just a shrug emoji text, or a one line response like there are other things out there that matter. People feel like a guy needing help is an annoying whiny inconvenience.

But as men we can do better with each other. I’m not saying we all have to be like moms constantly reminding each other that we’re here for you, but just be open to listening or helping a guy if you can.

Varsity boy antics hurt more than help

Sometimes simply going to school or work is hard enough. It can be full of its own problems and stresses, and the last thing a guy needs to deal with is a culture full of immature highschool jocks. Sometimes they create more problems than a young female can. They have to laugh at you because you don’t know something, or made this mistake, or they start teasing you about some girl on the job you like - or you don’t but maybe she’s just simply an interesting person to you, but because you mention her name everyone has to make a thing out of it or assume it means you like her. It’s humiliating, annoying, and even makes you feel self-conscious. We can do without these antics, and they can potentially cause a guy a lot of problems especially at work.

What’s even worse is that if this stuff bothers him, people just tell him to not take it seriously and just say nothing. Meanwhile the hazing goes on and you’re just supposed to laugh it off. Deep down it creates anxiety or even pain for you, and you have no support because everyone is telling you not to make a big deal of it. For whatever reason, guys seem to think it’s perfect bonding to treat each other like shit, laugh, humiliate, and put one another down. They’ve got this messed up locker room philosophy that it’s toughening you up or that it’s just how dudes are supposed to be. I’m not with it.

A few years ago I saw a news report about how construction jobs have high suicide rates, which was surprising. But as the reporter noted, these kinds of jobs are often full of machismo, and that makes a lot of sense. Toxic male dominance, putting each other down, neglecting to help each other, laughing because the new guy got this wrong or doesn't know such and such etc. can make some dudes feel isolated or like their job is a prison. Plus we don’t know whatever else could be going on in their personal lives to pile on the depression. So it probably makes them feel like failures and they just want to end it all.

Even in something like the workplace, let’s try to be more like brothers to each other than locker room jocks ready to measure dicks. You can go to the bar or basketball court for those antics, but when it comes to our livelihood let’s not stress each other out more than necessary.

Putting each other down for being single

The world judges single men way more harshly and negatively than it does single women, and guys contribute to this problem in some ways much worse than women do. All of this poor treatment is why younger guys today are more terrified of being single than they were 15 or 20 years ago. Male singleness has now been stigmatized and people often think it’s unfortunate for a guy to go through. Women want it to be this way and hope guys are hurting, while other guys with a girl are just glad they don’t have to look like the lone guy at the bar.

Women, who often lament their singleness more, will ironically still think something is wrong with a guy who is single too, especially if he has been for some time. Or they even think his singleness is unattractive period. But guys with girlfriends or who are married, or who hook up with a lot of chicks, are worse and will look at a dude negatively for being single as well. They will judge him as not having any game, not knowing how to talk to women, doing something badly in bed, or even thinking it’s about his looks for why he’s single. Knowing little to nothing about his actual life, past, or interactions with women but already thinking they do.

Everyone has their reasons for not being in a relationship at the moment, and they could be ones you never even considered. Because male singleness is treated like a bad stain, men especially should be like brothers supporting single men the most, not acting like chicks with boyfriends who are glad they’re not alone like their girlfriends are.

Lift one another up instead of trying to be the dominant one in the pack

You’ve always got the guys with the big egos who need to be the loudest or most seen people in the room. Or just simply an excessively strong personality. They’ve got their own personal insecurities so they need control to feel important or validated, just like a female. I always say alphas are the weakest males, and they usually are. It’s because either no one ever checked them when they were growing up, or they’ve got insecurities they’re trying to mask. Bring a female into the room and they get even worse, trying to put you or other dudes down in the room to make himself seem cooler or smarter so she will be into him, or becoming the classic simp who just has to be around every time she is.

Men are already the dominant creatures, so what do you need to be like Lucifer for, exalting yourself above all others? Why can’t men be leaders together? Why do our minglings have to be plagued with bloodsport?

Guys can do better

I can’t stand the dudes who like to explain away gender behavior as “evolutionary.” They are part of the problem. Humans go way deeper than all that basic-minded “hunter-gatherer” bullshit. Humans are largely driven by ego, selfishness, arrogance, needing control, and loving what’s bad. They have been from the beginning of time and it is still what’s wrong with our world now. Drawing pictures on cave walls and hunting with wood and stone axes while the women tended to the village do not explain or excuse this.

Men are the ones who mostly run the world, so imagine how much better it could be if we lifted each other up more, gave each other more empathy, created real brotherhoods instead of frat boy groups that isolate the guys they think aren’t worthy. Imagine how much more power they would have in the workplace if dudes weren’t simping for the only girl around just because she’s pretty, and would stop letting these girls get away with things. Imagine how much stronger of a society we would be with healthier values as men.

Maybe it’ll never fully happen, but it can always start with you.

[Shiprex]

The days of men's social clubs and clubs ended and have meant men do not have their "safe" spaces. Feminists demanded those "boys clubs" were toxic (while women's only spaces were empowering) and boys no longer get to see masculinity as worthy unless it's serving others.

[ManOnFire]

Actually men's social clubs were pretty toxic and frat boyish. Those seemed like the only way men could think of bonding with each other or making guys into men, and they hurt more than helped.

[Shiprex]

No they weren't that's feminist excuses. It was where young men hung out with old men and learned how to keep society from crumbling

[RavVid]

I hang out with older men and have learnt a lot from them.

[Shiprex]

@RavVid most men have had positive experiences with mens groups

[AngryCarl3]

Odd that this is in the sexuality section.

[ManOnFire]

Dude, that's just GaG's stupid categorization, even though I put it in Guys Behavior.

[sage2021]

How can you say that you do better with each other, yet helping each other emotionally just isn't part of it?🤷🏼‍♀️

[ManOnFire]

Yes. And I said, "but at the same time there is still some stuff that we do to each other that hurts a lot"

[sage2021]

Thank you for the MHO 🙂🧡

[Anonymous]

Men barely support men

[ManOnFire]

Did you read the Take?

[RavVid]

I agree with you. The pysch's are really a female therapy tool because women like to talk it out. I had occasion to see a psychologist and she made the counseling action oriented for me whereas I know she was talk oriented for a female friend. There are relatively few pyschs that adapt to a male client.

I think what would help a lot of men is being in a team environment. Doesn't really matter in what. Some online game. Paid work. Some hobby. Whatever. Anything where there is a sense of belonging and skills can be developed that gain respect within the group/team.

A problem is that men's spaces have largely been destroyed. There is a men's shed that I would join but to get funding it has to let women in and as soon as there is one woman the dynamics change. I'd like there to be spaces where there are just men's voices.

[ManOnFire]

You are definitely right. Years ago a female friend convinced me to try therapy for all the work stress and pressure I was under in my personal life. I tried it for about a month like she suggested and found that I actually felt worse. The therapist was a woman and didn't seem particularly understanding, not to mention I question how these people become psychs because they're very surface level. Meanwhile that friend of mine kept seeing hers for years and really hasn't gotten better. I think if you're seeing a therapist for that long then you really haven't grown and learned to work through your own problems.

"but to get funding it has to let women in and as soon as there is one woman the dynamics change."
- Yes this seems to be such a major problem. I'm all for diversity and mixed groups, but it always seems to be when a female enters - and if she's attractive - the guys completely lose their focus and all want her.

[832loverboy73]

That frat bro crap hurts men, and is much of the reason women tend to outlive us by at least eight years.

[Jessie__a_]

True

[Riverasilva23]

Yeah