Why did he stop talking to me all of a sudden? Avoiding me?

[Anonymous]

So this guy friend of mine has been avoiding me lately. I honestly have no clue as to why. We use to be really close, text every day and throughout the day, joked and teased each other when we saw each other at our local hang out spot.. now its all gone and it's extremely awkward since we both go hang out there alone. I catch him looking and glancing at me, ESPECIALLY if I'm talking to another person. He down right stares if it happens to be a guy. Most of the time he'll quickly look away. I have tried to talk to him as he is leaving but he will literally scurry to his car and drive off immediately. I'm too awkward to approach him because I don't want to come off weird. I'm giving him space but I miss him so much. What do you think? Is it too weird to text him that I miss him and his humor? Will that scare him? Think I'm too much? I don't understand what is wrong.

Updates

+1 y

What are some NON SCARY things to text him? He's already freaked out, I don't want to make it even worse!

[147703]

It sounds like he probably likes you as more than a friend.. It hurts him to see you with other guys. And he's probably not sure how to handle it, he's probably hoping by distancing himself a bit will let him get his feelings under control. You shouldn't feel weird about approaching him, and could definitely say that you feel like you haven't talked much recently and would like to change that, but be aware thats probably whats going on. Think about what you feel for him, and think very carefully about how you would respond if he tells you so. I wouldn't flat out ask him about it, but just be prepared in case he brings it up. Good luck!

[Asker]

The problem is that he avoids me at all costs! He's not even speaking to me!! I was on the phone outside and thought I could use it as an excuse to get off the phone and go talk to him. He took off... He even drove way around so that he wouldn't drive past me. There's 2 exits to the parking lot, the easy one which I was standing next to, the other way way down on the other side. Guess which one he drove so awkwardly around to go to even though he was parked right by the one I was at? It's so stupid and silly :(

[147703]

Oh yikes.. he's got it bad :S I'd contact him ASAP. Either call him or text him and ask him whats going on? Would you know how to react if he said he was into you?

[Asker]

Got it bad? If I asked... he'll just ignore the text.

[147703]

I mean it sounds like he's really into you. I don't know what to suggest. You could text him saying you understand that he wants space right now for whatever reason, but you miss him and you'd like to talk whenever he's ready. That puts yourself out there, and let him know you haven't forgotten about him, but also isn't too pushy.. Just see what happens?

[Asker]

That's not too bad. I'm just so worried that no matter what I do or say that he's going to think I'm needy or that I'm going to freak him out and scare him off even more. I swear, I've had plenty of time to think this over. One night we were having a fun amazing night laughing hysterically, the next day he just gave me the cold shoulder, wouldn't speak to me, wouldn't return my text, moved away from me. I'm not pushy so I stopped trying immediately. Now, after a few weeks, he just stares at me from afar. I've tried really hard to make sure I was still enjoying myself. When I laugh w others, he frowns, looks miserable, and just stares.

[Asker]

So you still think that with all this avoidance, to not even SIT by me, that he has feelings for me? Ugh it feels so horrible to sit there in silence.

[147703]

Wow this has been going on for weeks? I'd definitely put yourself out there again. He may feel like he's crossed the point of no return, so it will put you in a vulnerable position but it doesn't sound like it would put you in any worse of a spot then you're in now with him :( You won't know unless you try. I don't think it will be clingy or needy, he has to understand that he never explained himself and that you'll be upset and confused. So at the very least he'll be expecting you to try to see whats wrong. Just tell him you're still here for him and you hope that whatever's going on can be resolved soon because you miss hanging out with him. Hopefully he'll respond and just tell you whats wrong at least.

[147703]

I mean I can't say 100% but from what you've explained it sounds like it gets worse when you're with other guys, and you were talking a lot and then it just stopped. It sounds like he might have or had feelings. I don't know. That's my only guess.

[Asker]

Yes, we text all the time. Morning, noon, and night. We were constantly silly with each other, always having a good time. I text him like I would any other day and he didn't respond. Again, not being pushy, I didn't send another text as I was going to wait until I saw him that night at our hang out place. I went in and he was as cold as ice. I thought, ok... maybe he'll be ok after a week. Nope...2 weeks? nope...4 weeks later... he finally cracked but he was FIGHTING it. We were talking with a friend and he broke down and smiled and laughed at something I said. He didn't seem happy that he did. Two nights later, he went right back to avoiding me. Now another week has passed and now he can't stop glancing and staring at me. Non stop. Yet this STUPID parking lot maneuver. I feel like he thinks I'm a stalker or that he hates me.

[147703]

He does not hate you. If he smiled and laughed and then looked upset, it's probably because it's hurting him. If he hated you, you wouldn't see him at all, not even with other people. He's just not sure what to do. You need to think about how you feel towards him and whether you could see him as more than just a friend or not.

[Asker]

And for the record, I never talked with other guys. He'd glare at any other guy that tried to approach me and I always gave him 100% of my attention. It wasn't until this painful silent treatment that I decided to test whether he gave a crap if I enjoyed myself much less talked to or allowed to be approached by other guys. The last few days... when he leaves, I try and say bye to him. He frowns or mopes when he leaves, won't stop or look me in the eye. He just looks to the side or down. I was shocked as the other night he choked out a "see ya" when I wished him well and to enjoy the 4th. He then quickly sprinted out the door, into his car and sped off. Sigh...

[Asker]

Oh goodness that's not hard at all. I've known him for almost 5 years. I love him more than anything. He is everything to me. The person I go to. I just worry that this is just all me and that he doesn't like me. I just wish that if he didn't, that he wouldn't have text me so much. His behavior DID start to change recently,... just before we stopped talking. And he had never acted like this before either... I wonder...

[Asker]

And what do you mean... it's hurting him? I just figured that he decided that he was going to keep me at a distance and was mad at himself for letting his guard down.

[147703]

Yeah no when I meant the other guys I was referring to after you started talking and mentioned he was watching you. I think it sounds like he's starting to finally cave a little and get over whats stopping him from talking to you. How did it change before he stopped talking to you? He could have been mad at himself, but if he is into you I'd imagine if he smiled and laughed at something you said, it might have reminded him that he cares for you and stung a little.

[147703]

I think you really need to make yourself extremely vulnerable to him. There is a chance he will not respond the way you want him to, but at this point I think it might be your only option.. you could wait and see but the longer it goes on its hard to say what kind of permanent damage it will have on your friendship or more.

[Asker]

So how do I make myself vulnerable? Tell him something like "hey... I know you're the last person that you want to hear from but for what it's worth... I miss you. I miss your crazy sense of humor."

[147703]

Exactly :) something that just shows him you're still trying, you could even tell him you don't want to give up on him. Whatever you feel comfortable saying, but I'd say something to open lines of communication so that he knows it's an option for him to talk to you and that you're going to listen to what he has to say. You could ask him about whats going on or you could wait and see if he responds first.

[Asker]

Ugh... this makes my stomach hurt. I'm just devastated. And last night... I was enjoying myself there as best as I could, really laughing and being silly. At one point I had the entire room (a good 10 people) laughing at something I was doing and saying... him? He just sat there rigid, motionless, almost looking pissed. Refusing to partake in the fun... that shook me up. It just felt like he was upset that I was happy. Is it possible that he was feeling down and doesn't like the fact that I look all happy and dandy without him? I was just trying to give him what he wanted, space. Am I suppose to just sit there and sulk? I was just trying to be normal.

[147703]

I'd say it's really likely that he thinks you've moved on from him and are doing just fine without him. That's why it's really important to be clear in your text that you're hurting without him. It needs to really genuine and honest. I know you don't want to scare him or come off to strong, but it needs to be a bold move. You're not doing anything wrong by trying to be normal with your friends, but he's probably just feeling really vulnerable and insecure and not taking things well.

[Asker]

So then what exactly do I say?

[147703]

It sounds like you probably know him better than anyone, I hope I can give some insight, but ultimately you'll probably know what he wants to hear right now, more than anyone. :)

[Asker]

I honestly don't. Everything I think of, I cringe thinking that he'll just ignore me or hate me more.

[147703]

Sorry! Fell asleep. :P But, If it were me, I'd probably tell him that I miss him, I don't know what went wrong but I want to talk it through, or just move past it and have him back in my life. Tell him he doesn't need to respond right away, but you're here whenever he decides too, hopefully sooner rather than later because you miss him. Tell him you're hurting. Be very honest with him, as he has no other way of knowing whats going through your head. I know you don't want to scare him, but this could be one of few times you'll be able to plead your case so it's good to put it all on the table. There is a chance he won't respond. But you have to risk it, it sounds like he's worth it. You were close friends for 5 years, if he has any sort of heart, he'll see what he is doing is hurting you and speak up. It's craziness to expect him to think you'll just leave him alone and not ask questions after such an abrupt silent treatment. He may be thinking you're more okay than you are. Be honest!

[Asker]

I've been trying to get the nerve to talk to him! I feel so down and freaked out about it!

[147703]

It's an extremely nerve-wracking situation so you have every reason to feel that way. There is a possibility of him not responding the way you want, or not responding at all, but, I don't think it will put you in a worse place then you are in right now, and the upside is soo worth it! Just my thought :)

[147703]

I'd send him a long text, just so he can read whenever he wants, and you won't know if he's read it or not :P cause that could be torture.

[Asker]

I mean... I'm still sitting here baffled because I feel like he hates me, avoids me, doesn't want to know me ad everyonr is saying the opposite!

[Asker]

well... I messaged him and he didn't reply...

[Anonymous]

He wants you but he doesn't know how to approach it. Instead he thinks like "oh what if I ignore her maybe she'll notice me?" Tbh go talk to him but I bet you he likes you! :)

[Asker]

He won't talk to me though. He's so damn silent and awkward.

[HappyToBeAlive]

Man ohhhh man. The guy probably realized he feels something for you but doesn't know how to express it. Every guys is a little scared when it comes to telling a girl how you feel. This guy must have an intensely amplified version of that fear. Just tackle him and talk to him

[Asker]

So that fear turn into his avoidance?

[HappyToBeAlive]

Exactly. I've been and still am in that guys position. I swear. If you really want him back then just say "i want you back". You won't sound weird, its exactly what he wants to hear. he's probably lying somewhere in beb thinking about you right now. Dont worry.

[Asker]

I think about him all the time. :( Also, in the past, when I DID ask him to hang out, he'd just avoid answering. He would just ignore the text or question. It's all so confusing.

[HappyToBeAlive]

I dont know i guess. Want me to talk to him? Lmfaoo. Just wait a little more. Something has to be going on in his brain. Maybe he got a girlfriend she told him he couldnt hang with you or maybe someone died in his family. Guys are weird i know.

[Asker]

I know for a fact that there isn't another girl.

[HappyToBeAlive]

If he's acting that way then you're right. My guess is as good as yours. All i know is that i become one weird mother fucker when im talking to a girl i like im the opposite of smooth. Well i hope your man returns to you. I must go to bed. Good night 😄

[Asker]

Lol thanks gor making me laugh. I needed that!

[djp53916]

At any time during this time you were talking, were you dating? Having sex? A couple? If not, did he ever ask you out?

[Asker]

No to all of your questions.

[djp53916]

I figured no to all of my questions (except maybe the asking you out one) was the answer.

He wants to be with you, and is too shy or insecure to ask you out. Seeing you respond and socialize with other men bothers him, because he wants to be with you, and he's watching those men "succeed" where he has "failed."

A guy who feels he isn't going to "get the girl" isn't going to just stick around and watch you demonstrate happiness with other guys (even innocent happiness), because it bothers him too much he cannot be that man bringing you that happiness.

He's cutting you off, because seeing you happy without him is worse in his head that not seeing you at all.

[Asker]

I would do anything to be with him. How can I POSSIBLY get to him if he won't let me in? I can't even get close to him!! 4 weeks ago I went in to our hang out spot and sat directly next to him in HOPES that he would break the ice. He squirmed, he figited, he was antsy to the point that someone asked him why he was so squirrelly. He jumped up and said he was moving to the other side of the room. And like that, he stabbed me in the heart, completely and utterly confused because I genuinely and most absolutely do NOT know what I did!

[djp53916]

Try to contact him, and offer to meet him somewhere you know he likes to go, but NOT this usual spot.

If he shows up, you will need to be far more direct about what you want with him than you'd normally have to be with a man. Tell him how much you want to be with him. Once he has calmed down, let him know that what he did was confusing and frustrating to you. Let him know you aren't mad at him, but it was confusing.

[Asker]

Ugh... that all sounds frightening. Yes, to me... but more so to him. I know he won't meet me anywhere else.. he is FAR too chicken. I thought I hated confrontation, he would rather swim in a pool of sharks than deal with confrontation!

[djp53916]

I know. Just make it sound exactly like what you're hoping for it to be. It's not confrontational when it's an invitation to hang out and have fun. Or if you need his help with something. Don't bring up how you "need" or even "want" to talk to him. Just make it more about the hanging out and having fun thing.

Something like this for example...

"Hey Joe. I was looking to go shoot some pool later this week, and I wanted someone to play with. You busy Saturday afternoon?" Another one "Hey Joe. I was looking to get a birthday present for my cousin Tom. Can you join me and help me pick something out? He got similar interests as you do." Hell, even "Hi there, Joe. I need a hand this weekend. I wanted to rearrange a few pieces of furniture, and I can't do it myself. I'll treat you to lunch/dinner afterwards. Can you lend a hand?" Then it sounds like you could use his help, or you want to do something with him. Work it into your talking that you want to be with him.

Good Luck. :)

[Asker]

I'm curious though... how could you tell thqt we had done nothing? For the record, the last couple of years, I've asked him out or even to merely hang out and he said no or avoided answering so I stopped trying and haven't tried for a long time.

[djp53916]

I can't explain how I knew that you guys hadn't done anything, but it just kind of came out in your words, that's all.

[Asker]

I'm so scared. It's just very hard to conceive the idea that he likes me.

[djp53916]

I hear ya. Just give it a try, and see what happens. Or if you two have a mutual friend (preferably a girl who you personally really trust), send her in on your behalf. Have her speak to him just enough to make the point you want to speak to him. Have her let him know you are very into him. Maybe if he hears it from someone else (especially a woman), he'll finally either admit he's crazy about you, too, or he will finally confess why he won't let himself be with you.

At least if this happens, you get an answer.

[Asker]

I finally broke down and messaged him late. He yet again, got up and scurried away when I go to the place. He first made eye contact with me abd looked like he saw a ghost. I said hi but he quickly looked down and back to his phone. I text basically stating that I hate that we don't talk, that I missed him and just want to get past whatever it is that this weirdness is.

[djp53916]

I'm sorry. He sounds pretty conflicted with his feelings about you. Unless/until he figures out his weirdness around you, you may be stuck with this from him. If you can handle it, and don't feel like seeing what else is available to you, giving him a bit to try to get his head straight may be a decent idea. If you can't handle it (and most people couldn't), it may be time to look at other dating options, and hope that someday he can get past this, so he can have a normal relationship with someone.

Just let him know you do care, and you're there to talk.

[Asker]

Yes... I did tell him I wanted to get past this... I mean... is it too darn scary to tell someone you miss them? That's the only heavy duty thing I said really.

[djp53916]

Personally, I don't think it's all that scary to say that, especially if you two were on friendly terms before all this set in.

The more information you share about this guy, the more puzzling he seems. Something with him is just misfiring so badly.

If you get some free time today, maybe try to sit and think if there's anything going on in his life that's negative you can think of. Cousin in a bad accident? Dying grandma? Problems at work? Anything. Granted, if he won't hardly talk to you, this is hard, but maybe he made mention of something. Ask a mutual friend if they know about something if you can't think of anything that might be going on.

If you're still drawing blanks, maybe just look back and see if you can think of anything you said or did that seemed innocent to you, but could possibly have offended him. No need to drive yourself nuts trying to think of something, but maybe something will pop into your head.

[djp53916]

If after all that you can't come up with anything, maybe you can send a mutual friend in to do some recon for you. Have her or him kinda make it known you're interested in him, and also worried about him. Maybe he'll open up to that friend what his deal is.

If that don't get you answers, then I guess the next time you see him, just put it out there exactly. No hints, no innuendo, and no subtlety. Be honest, direct, and hope for the best. You may have to be as direct as to say "I really like you, and I really want to start dating you." If you're too shy or old fashioned to ask him out, you may have to just suck it up and do this anyways. Because if you're at this point, you've got nothing to lose. You're too into him to keep a "just friends" relationship going long-term, so go for it.

And if it don't work out? You've probably lost him as a friend for now, but that may be for the best, too.

[Asker]

I've thought about it over and over. Every little step... I believe in accountability. Trust me, one day we were playing song, lsughing etc. Tge next day he was withdraw n and wouldn't speak to me. That's why it complete ly blew me away that I walked in a few timws and he was telling (nice) stories about me. As far as I know, nothing bad going on. But yes... it's now been a while since he's spoken to me.
What I mean as scary is that telling someone that uou miss them very much. That IF he doesn't value himself to think it's possible that someone cares for him... something like this would and could overwhelm him more.

[djp53916]

It's certainly possible. Maybe recruiting a mutual friend to talk to him may be the way to go.

[Asker]

We don't have a good mutual friend. I sent the message last night and he hasn't replied. I didn't think that he would but I wanted him to. :( Just sad why he just all of a sudden shut me out.

[Asker]

Oh and to be clear... I text him AFTER he scurried off. I was so miserable that he did that so I felt it best to tell him. I clearly said that I hate that we don't talk. And yet... nothing. What the heck did I do to him for him to ignore me like this? I use to text with him every day! He acts so normal with everyone else and it kills me!

[djp53916]

This does make it hard. I feel bad for you.

I guess for now, for some reason, he needs some space from you, and I think for now it is best for you to give him that space. I know that's hard to do, and I know that this is hurting you, but what is contacting him without reply doing to you? That's hurting you as well.

I suppose if you just have to try texting him again (I wouldn't, but I understand if you feel that need to), just send him a short message that tells him "I do care about you, and when you're ready to talk, you know how to reach me." Nothing more you can do after that, except hope for the best.

[Asker]

I WANT to text him that and am kicking myself for not writing it last night. I think it's best not to text anymore for a while.

[Asker]

I asked a friend (that does not know him but knows of him) what they thought. They said they think he has strong feelings but doesn't want to feel them. That he hopes to keep me away so that he doesn't have to feel them. That maybe they'll stop. Who knows what is going on in his head but I don't know why he is punishing me.

[djp53916]

I mean no offense, but he is really a complicated person.

If I was friends with a woman, and this was the way our friendship was going, and I was interested in more with her, and she was this conflicted about being with me (I want to, but I don't want to feel this), I don't think I could stand this for very long.

He isn't married, is he?

[Asker]

No, divorced. No gf or anything like that. He's had very bad relationships in the past but it's been years since he's been with anyone. I have sat here thinking, was it all in my head? I mean we both would initiate texts, they weren't one sided. The only thing I could think of that was different before we stopped talking is that he got scared that I was mad at him. He reached out to me and apologized, saying he was going to try harder. I've known him a few years and he has NEVER done this when we have argued. In fact, this silent treatment for a few days would be how it would go and no one would apologize when it was over. We'd just pretend like nothing had happened. So, needless to say, I was surprised he reached out to be and said what he did at the time. This was 2 weeks before he stopped talking to me.

[djp53916]

Yeah, this is just really weird. I'd just let him be for now then, and maybe he'll get over whatever it is that bothers him involving you.

I know you would really like an answer, but you're going to have accept the fact that you may never get an answer.

[Asker]

may I add/"follow" you? You have been such a great support. I'd be nice to get your opinion on things from time to time.

[djp53916]

Of course. :)

[Asker]

Thanks... I just followed you. I have a few "my" in my name

[Realistic07]

he likes you as more than a friend but is to nervous to ask you out just like you are to him.

[Asker]

So a guy would just up and leave and stop talking to a girl, stop texting her and completely and totally avoid her if he liked her?

[TheFlyingPenguin]

If I think she is unobtainable and I have deep feelings for her, then yeah, I'll react the same way this guy has reacted because I need to get over you and move on and I can't do this by being around you and seeing you constantly.

[Asker]

How is it remotely possible to change his mind if I can't even get next to him? I can't even approach him?

[Realistic07]

by strait up walking up to him and telling him. hell he's bin your friend for a while im pruity sure you know where he is. so go and make it happen.

[Realistic07]

or you can just strait up text him your feelings but in person is always better.

[Asker]

I text him tonight... no response yet but it's understandable if he is sleeping.

[Realistic07]

Texting is such a non personal way to do things but at least you made a move that's more than can be said for many people.

[Asker]

Well, it was the only thing left. I told him that I hated that we didn't talk and missed him and I really wanted him to know that. I didn't hear anything back. Now what? Does that confirm that he hates me or something? Will think about it? I'm so hurt and frustrated. How can you enjoy yourself with someone one night and the very next day treat her as if you don't know her and she repulses you?

[Realistic07]

honestly i have no idea. i'm going threw something similar myself right now. I have learned that all you can do is put your feelings on the table and hope that they get picked up by the one you care about. If they don't then at least you were strong enough to try. The hard part is moving on but time typically finds us a way to do that and then in one moment brings us the thing or person we need in our lives so that way we can be free from the past.

[Asker]

So weird... even after ignoring me I went in to the place. A few guys started talking with me and he full on popped his head up, turned amd watched!! Yet he ignored my text? I don't get it. He watched, facing us and all for the rest of the night! !

[Realistic07]

well then go and walk up to him stop sending text and do it in person. when people are put fae to face to deal with the issues that they have then and only then do the real answers to the questions begin to unfold themselves. In this society we have forgotten much about the importance of interacting with people in person rather than threw a phone call or text message. when you talk to someone face to face and see how they act and the answers they give for yourself you get the answers you want. So stop texting and be upfront about it go and speak to him in person the next time you see him. It doesn't mater when or where the next time you see him go up to him and talk to him ask what it is you want to ask and say what you want to say.

[frogger78]

Don't text or call.. do it in person... and ask him straightforward what's in ur mind... betting around the bush maybe too time consuming and he may think your trying to "play" games.

[Asker]

He avoids me though. Even eye contact. Sigh

[Anonymous]

Jesus this dude has got it bad, I bet his heart is being torn to shreds as I type this.

[Asker]

I really don't understand. I mean it. I don't get why he would throw me away, avoid me, pretend that I'm not in the room. Please elaborate.

[Opinion Owner]

Because he feels like he cannot have you as anything more than a friend and is now trying to move on.

[Asker]

Is there anyway to make him change his mind?

[Opinion Owner]

Unless you like him and go out on a limb to confess your interest in being more than friends (if you do like him that way) then no there isn't.

[Asker]

I have no clue as to what to do and how to do it. Again, is it or would it be weird to text him and tell him I miss him and his crazy sense of humor? That whatever it is that I've done to him, I'm sorry?

[Opinion Owner]

I wouldn't apologize as you've done nothing wrong, but if you don't like him as more than a friend then you need to give him his space.

[Asker]

I adore him more than anything. I'm baffled that he can't seem to tell.

[Opinion Owner]

Because he's a guy and naturally he's a bit of an idiot who cannot read subtle signs. I think you should confess your feelings for him and see where it goes.

[Asker]

After his overwhelming attempt to avoid me last night... I'm a bit frightened to. I can't stop thinking about it. I mean he practically jumped in the bushes so that he couldn't come near me. And to drive allllll the way down when he was right by the exit I was standing next to JUST so that he could avoid possibly being stopped (I admit, I did that to him about 3 years ago) was a bit numbing.

[Opinion Owner]

If you want something you just have to bite the bullet and go after it.

[Asker]

well... I tried texting him. If you think he likes me so much... why do you think he didn't reply when I told him that I hated not speaking and missed him very much?

[Opinion Owner]

I have no idea, he might have been busy?