He says he wants to change?

I've been friends with this guy for over a year, and only recently we moved to a serious relationship. We were happy and in love, but recently he started acting cold and distant. Yesterday we had a conversation, and he admitted that he was cold and distant: apparently it always happens to him when he's been in a relationship for "too long" and opens up "too much". He told me that the other times he just stopped talking to the person/broke up, but he really wants to change this time with me. The thing is, what if he doesn't change? I'm trying to help, but I'm very fragile and vulnerable when it comes to feelings, and I don't know if I'll be able to go through this. Have you ever been in such a situation? What do you think I should do? Thanks a lot for the help! xx
Updates:
some feedback please?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Whenever someone says they want to change... then you have to put a time limit on it! Even if it is in your own mind.

    Guys will sometimes use the "I will change card" to prolong the relationship while their intent is really never to change and just keep you around because it is better than being alone.

    So always have in the back of you mind... a grace period window, where you can review whether he has made an effort, or not.

    In addition, you should not have to remind him that he needs to change... your not his mother. If he knows he has to change in order to save the relationship then he will do it willingly.

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What Guys Said 7

  • It sounds as if he has been in a few bad realtionships... he is nervouse and proably scared he is going to either get hurt... when you have been through a lot... you tend to shut down and try to block people out... he want to not do that to you and with you... he wants you more t han anyone befor... help him to be strong by being strong yourself

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  • This issue is beyond your relationship. Therapy can help him cope. Its up to you if you're sticking out for the roller coaster ride. I would say keep your distance. Support him. Re visit the relationship as you see progress.

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  • I've gone through this in my relationship before. It's more of a trust issue and afraid to be hurt. Putting all of your trust into one person is a scary thing to do (especially as a guy). So with time, show him that you care and you'll be there when he falls. The lady in my last relationship did that and it was the best relationship ever! Lasted for three years, so stick it out, eventually he won't feel so nervous about "opening up too much". Once he has full trust in you, it'll be completely worth it.

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  • Just alwaya be honest with him , and believe him , if he says that he's gonna change have faith in him

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  • The man is in the exact same boat, as you. Afraid to get hurt. Good thing is he openly admits it, that's half of the victory. The other half - you need to open up to one another. He says he wants to change things, so let him change. You shouldn't pressure him too much, but then again don't go on auto-pilot either, because that's when deja-vu will happen.

    If I am ever in a situation like this, I would like to be reassured that I can completely confide in her and in return she in me. Trust is not borne of silence, sadly :s I had to learn the hard way, that we need to talk.

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  • People can adapt, but they'll never change

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    • Agree. People can't change they just become more how they really are

    • I've lived in the north my entire life, I wouldn't want to live in the south, as warm as it is

  • He lied...

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What Girls Said 16

  • What does he want to change? The distance and coldness towards his partner?

    It sounds to me like he doesn't understand how to deal with developing feelings and emotions.

    I think he needs some time in his man cave and just welcome him back with open arms when he returns. This is a step-by-step process to getting him to accept what he is feeling and to not run away from it. Time will be your friend in this scenario.

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  • I feel you! I was with this guy and I gave him waaay too many chances and I ended up getting tired and upset.. I know it´s hard to say that you don´t believe he is going to change, and even if he says he does he won´t. But that was my case, every guy is different. But if your stomach tells you that we won´t, then don't. :-) Always trust your own feeling and don't let anybody affect your decision. xx

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  • Yes.. I have been in a similar situation and I gave the person 1 more chance and he let me down. After that, he kept begging me for 2 more years claiming that he wants to marry me. But trust is a fragile thing and so are feelings. If you want you could give him 1 more chance but more chances will make him take yu for granted and you ended up getting hurt.

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  • sounds to me like he is scared of getting hurt. So in order to avoid that, he just shuts down and breaks up befor there is even a chance.
    I think it is a good sign that he was able and willing to talk to you about it and is willing to work on this issue.
    What you can do is just reassure him that your feelings for him a real and that you are scared of getting hurt yourself as well. It is a matter of learning to truly trust your partner and being able to be happy. Just be the great girlfriend he sees you as and if the road gets bumpy, work through it with him and don't drop him right away.
    Remember, honesty and communication offer the simplest solutions to problems before they get too big.

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  • My best friend is in a similar situation, the point is, i think, to talk to each other. Besides it sounds like he 's scared to get hurt , if you love him be supportive and if he loves you, you both will move on.

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  • If you are both honest with each other on how you feel then you may have a chance but you both have to state what you want out of the relationship and what you can't except. Everyone has dealbreakers and if your honest with your self and he is with himself then you have a good foundation. If by chance you find out that this relationship isn't going to work, don't feel to bad. Not every relationship is the one and only. If it goes the other way and the two of you become closer, great! From that point on as long as you are open and talking about how you feel you have a great opportunity to have a fulfilling relationship with someone whom you love

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  • Yes I have been in that situations. I am just like "eh, whatever" and move on. You don't need drama like this in your life honey

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  • Do something together :) like try having a nice time with each other doing something you both like and tell him that its okay to feel vulnerable, that's what makes a person a human being..

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  • I actually went through this exact situation this last month...

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  • he is a thief. all men are..

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    • Why are you generalizing all men to be like one guy you met and that broke your heart (just a wild guess but thats how ALL girls do:)

  • People can't change sorry

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  • tell him to stop acting like a dooshe and tell him to talk to u

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  • I'm dealing with a similar situation guys don't know how to go about expressing self they shut down and basically ignore you. I say go with your gut feeling, female intuition is usually right. Sometimes we try to ignore the warning signs because we want happiness. Try to talk to him get him to share what's on that brain of his. If he still act distant I would sepearate myself from the situation so u don't wand up hurt

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  • He doesn't want to get hurt

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  • he is nervous of getting hurt that why he as been acting cold and distant let him know you love him and won't hurt him surprise him with a romantic date with activities it will remind him that you guys have fun together and love each other

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  • try not to be smothering or over bearing. show him that even though things are getting more intense you'll stay the same person you've always been. he's afraid of getting hurt.

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    • yeah, maybe that's it... he says he feels vulnerable

    • be there for him but don't overdo it and try not to get upset over any little things. hopefully, he'll see he can trust you.

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